HopelessinDTW Posted November 19, 2010 Posted November 19, 2010 After all my stbx has put me through the past 6 months (lying, affair, cheating, withholding kids, etc.etc.)...I still repond to her with kindness. She just left for a long vacation oversees (this is after compaining about finanical hardship). Even though it was my time with the kids last evening...I let her spend the few hours before she got on the airplane with the kids. I even invited her to join me to watch our kid at an extra-curricular activity. she came but didn't look at my face. Never once during the past 6 months has she extended any olive branch to me...in fact completely the opposite. I must say it felt GREAT to do exactly opposite of what I should have done. I was more than kind to her, and I think that completely caught her off guard. I feel so good about myself because I looked above all the BS she's been trowing my way, and took the high road. Whereas, she has always been accusatory, and blaming me for everything. I'm letting her act like a teen, while I act like an adult... Not trying to sound self-centered here but my point is I didn't really realize I would feel so good about being kind to someone who as acted in the worst way possible with me. I felt a sort of power over her, and I could tell she felt she had nothing to come back to fight me with. I guess this is where the term "killing with kindness" comes from...
Steadfast Posted November 20, 2010 Posted November 20, 2010 (edited) I'm two years into the practice and I concur with the results. It gets trickier when they start responding tho...when the change of heart comes. The kindness can sometimes mislead the cheater into thinking your love is unconditional...which may be true, but that does not mean you necessarily want them back. More than anything, forgiving and kindness helps healing. This thought came to me once, as I was struggling; if her pain brings me joy, then what will her joy bring me? Man, it is a chore to keep on task. Divorce sucks, but life is what you make it. Good job HopelessinDTW- Edited November 20, 2010 by Steadfast
You Go Girl Posted November 20, 2010 Posted November 20, 2010 This is good only if you sincerely feel this kindness. Otherwise it is reverse-psychology manipulation. So hopefully it was sincere. Good for you.
Author HopelessinDTW Posted November 21, 2010 Author Posted November 21, 2010 This is good only if you sincerely feel this kindness. Otherwise it is reverse-psychology manipulation. So hopefully it was sincere. Good for you. Yes it was...I agree if I had faked it I would be down to ger level. I want nothing more than a healthy relationship between her and the kids, and me and the kids. I cannot have any of the terrible things she has done to me affect the way I deal with the kids. She on the other hand has used the kids as a pawn throughout the divorce. It's quite regrettable that she has done this, but as we all know we can only control ourselves. The biggest lesson learned throughout the divorce process is to be honest with everyone around you, and more importantly with yourself. I have come to grips with the divorce being a new BEGINING, then an END. I hope to better myself by learning from my mistakes, and apply those lessons in my life. When we separated I think she thought I would just whither away, and just wallow in sorrow. If anything, I feel stronger than before both mentally and physically. It feels good to see the light at the end of the tunnel...when at the begining I was so lost.
habs53 Posted November 21, 2010 Posted November 21, 2010 Yes it was...I agree if I had faked it I would be down to ger level. I want nothing more than a healthy relationship between her and the kids, and me and the kids. I cannot have any of the terrible things she has done to me affect the way I deal with the kids. She on the other hand has used the kids as a pawn throughout the divorce. It's quite regrettable that she has done this, but as we all know we can only control ourselves. The biggest lesson learned throughout the divorce process is to be honest with everyone around you, and more importantly with yourself. I have come to grips with the divorce being a new BEGINING, then an END. I hope to better myself by learning from my mistakes, and apply those lessons in my life. When we separated I think she thought I would just whither away, and just wallow in sorrow. If anything, I feel stronger than before both mentally and physically. It feels good to see the light at the end of the tunnel...when at the begining I was so lost. In a way i feel the same as you. I feel i am now the stronger of the 2. I did not whimper when she left and actually believe i am happier than her as well. Im not 100 percent there yet but im doing good.
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