My best friend...

[koala25]

Dear members, I'm new to this forum and I really need your help. I'd really appreciate advice on how to deal with this relationship.

 

We met in grad school when we were both married and became best friends. We developed feelings for each other that went beyond friendship, although nothing happened while we were in school. He ended up hurting me a lot and lying to me, which resulted in me saying "Have a nice life" right after graduation. We didn't speak for almost two years until we reconnected last winter. He was already divorced and was having a hard time looking for a job. I visited him and we ended up sleeping together and started a relationship. To make a long story short, he hurt me and I broke up with him, but we decided to remain friends. It was my birthday the following week and he "forgot". When he called I really gave him a piece of my mind and told him not to come visit me for Thanksgiving (he already has a ticket). We exchanged e-mails, and he asked me to write about my feelings and experiences in our relationships and said he'd do the same. Below is the e-mail I sent him yesterday and his reply. He is supposed to come this Saturday, but I don't know know if he is coming or not and what to do with this relationship. Please read my letter to him to understand how complicated the relationship. Here it is:

 

Colin,

 

You asked me to write about my feelings and experiences in our friendship in a constructive way. I tried to do it several times, but following the rules of "constructive communication" it just didn't convey the way I really feel. So, I decided to just sit down and write how I feel inside without analyzing and filtering my thoughts. I wanted to be completely open and honest with you, instead of beating around the bush trying to make it more digestible.

I do realize however, that after reading all this you might become angry and defensive and there is a good chance I will never hear from you again. I said to myself "This might be the end of our friendship and I have to be ready for that.” Whatever the outcome, I take full responsibility for the consequences of writing such a letter. I don't want to be hurt anymore, so I decided to tell the other person how I really feel, which is not easy to do, but also I imagine not easy to read and accept.

 

I feel the way I do because I let my guard down and let you into my life. I'm angry, hurt and blame myself for being so naive and trusting. I should have known better when I decided to get back in touch, like it wasn’t devastating enough the first time I said goodbye. Shortly after we reconnected I witnessed the same type of behavior from you that I saw when we were at Thunderbird, only it was a thousand times more painful being treated this way, because the nature of our relationship had changed. I wanted to see if you'd really changed. I figured it might have been your marriage to Ling and everything that was going on in that relationship that made you behave the way you did - unappreciative, neglectful, uncaring. Well, it turns out that's your basic nature. Hiding under the mask of "the nice guy" is an utterly selfish person. I feel used and discarded.

In my world, when you love someone, you learn what's important to them and try to meet their needs. You care not because you have to, but simply because it feels right and it feels good. When you love someone, you are on their side and will not do something that you know will hurt their feelings. I could not believe that the person who said he loved me and wanted to be with me for the rest of his life, who said "I want to stick together through thick and thin", who made love to me and got me pregnant, acted with such indifference when it came the time to be part of the decision and did not make any effort to be with me during that devastating time. Where was he? He was at the wedding of the very person whom he had said he despised, drinking, parting, and having a hell of a time. The person I'd thought would be there for me had abandoned me. How do you go on living? How do you ever trust somebody again? Being left alone to work on a project a week before the due date, because the person who'd asked you to form a group together finally came out and said that they had been on another group, pales in comparison to the type of pain I endured recently.

 

I am a logical and practical person. When in love and facing obstacles I seek constructive solutions and work on overcoming those obstacles. Even if you are not immediately successful, what counts is trying and actually doing something. I couldn't understand why someone who said he loved me and wanted to be together was not spending at least a few hours a day looking for a job in my city and when offered a list of companies he could apply to didn’t do it. What added to the confusion was the person telling me that he was looking forward to going through the list and that he really wanted to be with me … same thing for two months. When someone says "Thanks for your help, but I'm not interested in these companies", there's no confusion. When a person says "Thank you so much! This is great! I'll finish my applications by... and then...” you can't understand what's going on. Could it be that the guy just wants to be in a very convenient position of having all the benefits of a relationship, without actually being in one? Maybe the person just wants to **** you, travel with you, and hear all the compliments that boost his ego, without committing to anything? I feel used, abused, lied to. When you meet a typical *******, you know what to expect and what the rules of the game are. Not many real *******s would throw around the kind of words I heard from you -”I want to be with you forever", “Now I know what it feels like to really love someone “, “I want to have a real family with you", "be there for each other"... How, just how evil or sick does a guy have to be to use such words just to get sex? Can this possibly be true???

 

For 4 years I've been in turmoil, loving you and wanting to be close to you. I've been there for you as a friend and I've been there for you as a lover. My losses are great - 1) nearly destroying my marriage to the person who truly loves and cares about me, who has really been there for me, who's seen the good, the bad and the ugly and has never given up on me; 2) financial implications; 3) emotional suffering...

 

Despite my strong feelings for you, I knew I couldn’t stay in the relationship with someone who cannot give back and who will not be there for me when I need him. Friendship was the second option, as I was scared of loosing you completely. I decided to try it again as friends, but with the understanding that the friendship would be mostly one sided and that I would have to be proactive to keep it alive. I told myself not to have high expectations. However, I did realize shortly that I as a person was of no interest to you and after the breakup you got on with your life without regret, without consideration, while I was trying to figure out how to pick up the pieces. I believe who cares, remembers. It wasn't about my birthday itself - I don't celebrate. It hurts to realize that someone you deeply care about and love has no feelings for you, that you're not important to them, that you're not part of their life. You remember every little detail - what they wore to the movies 3.5 years ago, what food they hate, jokes they told, their mother's birthday, their favorite artist... And they simply don't give a damn about your existence.

 

Sometimes I feel like I'm dead inside, because I can't feel anything. Other times I'm in so much pain, I can't even speak, I can't even cry. I have never experienced this kind of pain before - so great, that I probably wouldn't even notice if someone stubbed me. The physical pain would pale in comparison. I keep asking myself "Could I have missed or misinterpreted something? How could such a thing ever happen? We were so close and I thought we'd always be in each other's lives", but then I look at the facts and the facts only and realize that, yes, this is what has happened to me. It's very hard to face the reality and that's why I kept trying, ignoring the red flags and believing lame excuses. Deep inside I didn't want to know the answer and didn't want to face the truth, and that's why I convinced myself everything was fine, until it became impossible to ignore.

 

For the first time I'm telling you how I feel inside and letting it all out - honestly, from the heart and without trying to make it sound better, more constructive, not as strong, or whatever...

 

I know it will take some time for me to recover regardless of the outcome. In the meantime I must go on somehow and try and stay strong.

 

So, now you know how I feel. Those are my feelings based on my interpretation of the events. If you strongly believe that I misinterpreted your actions or inactions and everything that's happened in our relationship from the beginning, and that I'm totally off base here, please tell me so, but better have a solid explanation. Honestly, I'd be the happiest person in the world to find out that my conclusions are wrong, but I'm afraid it isn't so. On the other hand you might feel that I might be right (at least partially) and see how you could have contributed to this outcome. If you feel this friendship is worth fighting for and your behavior towards me did not reflect your feelings, if you are willing to accept full responsibility for your actions and work on the issues, you should come and have a face-to-face with me to determine how to move forward. Because being a fool that I am, I would be willing to give it another chance if I knew that you cared.

 

Otherwise, it would be pretty easy for you to tell me to **** off and move on.

 

His reply:

 

Nadia,

 

This is the best and most feeling letter I've ever received from you. I can't say enough how grateful I am that you shared your feelings and experiences with me in this letter the way you did. You wrote so much and I need some time to process this and respond. I hope you can continue to be patient for my reply--the end of this weekend at the latest. I just wanted to write you right away to let you know how much I appreciate your letter and let you know that I've read it.

 

 

Sincerely,

Colin

[Palm]

Sounds to me like you didn't need an email from him telling you to wait for an email from him.

[lkjh]

wait are you still married?

[koala25]

My husband knows everything. We decided to stay together for the sake of our daughter and her financial future. I love my husband very much and he is the only person in this world I can really trust and rely on, but I'm not in love with him.

[lkjh]

My husband knows everything. We decided to stay together for the sake of our daughter and her financial future. I love my husband very much and he is the only person in this world I can really trust and rely on, but I'm not in love with him.

 

If that is the case than you have some serious problems and i don't think you know what love or marriage means. Get some help and release your H so he can find someone worth being married to