A more "honest" but scary place

[carrie999]

I'll try to keep this somewhat brief. I've been posting here since my affair started, and I've learned so much from both responses to my own posts (which now sound incredibly naive) and from others. I really appreciate the honesty here, and I need it now as much as ever.

 

Short story is, I realized the fantasy of telling our SO's about the A was a rash approach. We can't just run off together. I couldn't imagine treating them that way...this is bad enough, and will hurt enough once we figure out how (or if?) to tell them. And despite this affair (which I learned on this forum was a "split-self" that describes us both), we are very rational and pragmatic people, and that playing out the fantasy would crush everyone around us and every relationship we ever had...this one included.

 

I realized that this could only have a future if we decided to end our own relationships, take time apart from each other in the process, and (hopefully) still want to make "us" work. In a difficult conversation last week, I made him question what he wants, what is wrong with his relationship, why he's with me, etc...and encouraged him to just think without making any decisions.

 

I haven't sought counseling, but I have this forum as an outlet to be open and honest, and to force myself to consider where I stand. I'm his closest friend (flame that if you will, but I AM the only one who he talks to openly), so he told me every thought he had as he figured it out. He came to the same conclusion I did, but it was a harrowing week, emotionally.

 

So we agreed that the only way this might have a real future is if we step back a bit and see if we can figure out what's actually wrong with our respective relationships. We're not ready for NC, but if our relationships are going to end, they need to end on their own accord. This may not be completely possible without NC, but it sounds like the most reasonable solution for now. This won't be a short-term process, and we don't want to lose each other entirely. Distance will allow us to miss eachother terribly or decide we don't need eachother that badly...and will allow us figure out if we can find fulfillment in our current relationships.

 

Or will it? This is where we arrived, after days of analyzing and hyperventilating and losing sleep and not being able to eat...and then finally just forcing ourselves to relax and sleep on it, not talking for a few days, and coming back to it. We both came to the same conclusion. That doesn't mean either of us is right, but does it sound reasonable?

 

I'm sure we're right together, and so is he...but we can't realistically act on that now. I know that. So is this an approach that isn't completely nuts?

[woinlove]

If I understand correctly, you are suggesting you each pull back a bit from each other, but remain in contact, and each figure out what is wrong with your marriage/relationship with your SO, with the hope (??) that you might decide there really is something wrong with your marriage/relationship and, consequently, end your other relationships and begin a life together. Is that correct? I put in the (??) because I'm reading between the lines that is your hope. Or do you hope to be able to fix your other relationships? I do recall, when you first posted, you thought your relationship with your SO didn't need any fixing and was just right as it was.

 

The reason I ask what your hope or want is, is because it will largely determine the outcome.

 

I think by far the kindest action to your SO at this point is to tell him the truth. I cringe, for him, at the thought that you think it might be possible to either end or repair your relationship with him by simply interacting less with your lover and spending time analyzing your relationship, while keeping your SO in the dark.

 

Try to imagine being in the position of your SO. Then, treat him as you would like to be treated if the situation were reversed.

[phillyfan]

I'll try to keep this somewhat brief. I've been posting here since my affair started, and I've learned so much from both responses to my own posts (which now sound incredibly naive) and from others. I really appreciate the honesty here, and I need it now as much as ever.

 

Short story is, I realized the fantasy of telling our SO's about the A was a rash approach. We can't just run off together. I couldn't imagine treating them that way...this is bad enough, and will hurt enough once we figure out how (or if?) to tell them. And despite this affair (which I learned on this forum was a "split-self" that describes us both), we are very rational and pragmatic people, and that playing out the fantasy would crush everyone around us and every relationship we ever had...this one included.

 

I realized that this could only have a future if we decided to end our own relationships, take time apart from each other in the process, and (hopefully) still want to make "us" work. In a difficult conversation last week, I made him question what he wants, what is wrong with his relationship, why he's with me, etc...and encouraged him to just think without making any decisions.

 

I haven't sought counseling, but I have this forum as an outlet to be open and honest, and to force myself to consider where I stand. I'm his closest friend (flame that if you will, but I AM the only one who he talks to openly), so he told me every thought he had as he figured it out. He came to the same conclusion I did, but it was a harrowing week, emotionally.

 

So we agreed that the only way this might have a real future is if we step back a bit and see if we can figure out what's actually wrong with our respective relationships. We're not ready for NC, but if our relationships are going to end, they need to end on their own accord. This may not be completely possible without NC, but it sounds like the most reasonable solution for now. This won't be a short-term process, and we don't want to lose each other entirely. Distance will allow us to miss eachother terribly or decide we don't need eachother that badly...and will allow us figure out if we can find fulfillment in our current relationships.

 

Or will it? This is where we arrived, after days of analyzing and hyperventilating and losing sleep and not being able to eat...and then finally just forcing ourselves to relax and sleep on it, not talking for a few days, and coming back to it. We both came to the same conclusion. That doesn't mean either of us is right, but does it sound reasonable?

 

I'm sure we're right together, and so is he...but we can't realistically act on that now. I know that. So is this an approach that isn't completely nuts?

 

U need to take responsibility an just get a grip on yourself. Yea u cheated, it happens, now the guilt is really drivin u crazy, that happens too. The world wont end, people make mistakes we all make mistakes.

 

Best thing u can do now, step up and admit u did wrong, tell ur man, else u are disrespectin him completely. And girl, seriously split self, wtf is that? Man up, u did wrong, dont find some pseudopsych theory to try to excuse yourself, man up and take responsiblity. I'm sure u do good lovely things in other areas of ur life, dont undermine a good strong character u have by takin the easy route and findin stupid excuses for what u did.

[TVguy]

Hi Carrie

 

Your story reminded me very much of my own situation. I would love to chat to you more about things. My affair with OMW lasted 3 years and just ended this week. What you said was where we were on more than one ocassion. I was willing to leave my marriage for most of our affair and it was her that had doubts about leaving. Let me know if you would be interested.

[U2RockZz]

seems to be a jackpot for your current partner.....but some how i can't seem to figure out reasons behind your act of benevolence.... show me one place where your current partner can decide what he wants in his life .....

 

 

first you are not married to your SO...you do not have any children together...and most of all you don't love him(don't preach me...in love/love BS)....so what's the reason for staying with him apart from expanding your territory of fake love nest

[carrie999]

If I understand correctly, you are suggesting you each pull back a bit from each other, but remain in contact, and each figure out what is wrong with your marriage/relationship with your SO, with the hope (??) that you might decide there really is something wrong with your marriage/relationship and, consequently, end your other relationships and begin a life together. Is that correct? I put in the (??) because I'm reading between the lines that is your hope. Or do you hope to be able to fix your other relationships? I do recall, when you first posted, you thought your relationship with your SO didn't need any fixing and was just right as it was.

 

The reason I ask what your hope or want is, is because it will largely determine the outcome.

 

I think by far the kindest action to your SO at this point is to tell him the truth. I cringe, for him, at the thought that you think it might be possible to either end or repair your relationship with him by simply interacting less with your lover and spending time analyzing your relationship, while keeping your SO in the dark.

 

Try to imagine being in the position of your SO. Then, treat him as you would like to be treated if the situation were reversed.

 

You're absolutely right. The hope I have for me and MM is definitely a (??) and remains such. I don't know what my hope is. Whether or not I figure this out with MM, I need to figure out honestly what I want, independent of him, because it's not completely clear. It's clouded by emotions that I need to sort out, and the same for MM.

 

It is completely unfair to him, and part of me wants to end it for that reason...he doesn't deserve to be in limbo, even more so without understanding that my head and heart are not totally in it. I'm trying to work that out without considering MM's relationship, since the point is that they ARE separate, and my relationship should succeed or fail depending on me and us, not me and MM.

 

I keep putting myself in his shoes. Part of me wants to end this with him because I know I don't deserve him right now. I know I am (generally) a good person, but I feel as appropriately low about myself as is appropriate for my situation. I think about the line from the movie Spanglish (if you've seen it) where the mother says to her daughter something like: "But lately, your low self-esteem is just good common sense." Not throwing my own pity party, just understanding that he deserves better and trying to figure out a complicated situation without rushing into any final decisions...

 

Thank you for your input :-)

[carrie999]

U need to take responsibility an just get a grip on yourself. Yea u cheated, it happens, now the guilt is really drivin u crazy, that happens too. The world wont end, people make mistakes we all make mistakes.

 

Best thing u can do now, step up and admit u did wrong, tell ur man, else u are disrespectin him completely. And girl, seriously split self, wtf is that? Man up, u did wrong, dont find some pseudopsych theory to try to excuse yourself, man up and take responsiblity. I'm sure u do good lovely things in other areas of ur life, dont undermine a good strong character u have by takin the easy route and findin stupid excuses for what u did.

 

You're right. I've made mistakes, and we all do. The second point you made about the split-self affair is not a rationalization but instead trying to understand WHY I'm here and MM is here. This certainly doesn't excuse our behavior...just trying to make sense of a situation that doesn't. At first, it felt so unique and so real, but hearing about the "split-self affair" here made me realize that whether or not it applies completely to us, we're not unique and delusions and fantasies aside, we're in the same huge mess that others are in an affair.

 

In that sense, it's the opposite of making excuses...it's coming to terms with the idea that the problem is with US (me & MM) as individuals, and not the people we're involved with. The next step is moving toward some form of resolution.

[carrie999]

Hi Carrie

 

Your story reminded me very much of my own situation. I would love to chat to you more about things. My affair with OMW lasted 3 years and just ended this week. What you said was where we were on more than one ocassion. I was willing to leave my marriage for most of our affair and it was her that had doubts about leaving. Let me know if you would be interested.

 

TVGuy, I'd love to talk to you. I haven't figured out how to send personal messages here, but you're free to contact me if you know how.

[carrie999]

seems to be a jackpot for your current partner.....but some how i can't seem to figure out reasons behind your act of benevolence.... show me one place where your current partner can decide what he wants in his life .....

 

 

first you are not married to your SO...you do not have any children together...and most of all you don't love him(don't preach me...in love/love BS)....so what's the reason for staying with him apart from expanding your territory of fake love nest

 

Yes, it sounds awful and condescending. It's complex, and I love him dearly, but it's easy to roll your eyes at that, all things considered. I'm behaving poorly, treating him poorly, and he deserves better. We don't have kids (neither do MM & his wife), but we have enough of a history and life (family, etc.) together that it's worth slowing/stopping this relationship with MM to gain some perspective about who we are individually, our relationships, and what's going on with us that is driving this relatively short-lived affair. Even if me & MM end up alone, and whether or not fessing up is the right thing for them, or wherever this leads...we need to step back and think/feel honestly. We need to tread carefully, and approach this the best way possible.

 

Putting myself in his shoes (as woinlove suggested, and I really try to do regularly), there is no positive outcome...unless he was in my shoes and chose to stay with me and cut all ties with OW, and I was never any the wiser...and it was a one-time thing. That is the ONLY instance I can imagine in which truth might hurt me more. If he came to his senses and decided he was just scared and really wanted ME, I might be better off never knowing about his short-lived affair.

 

If not, I'd NEED to know. And in that case, how he ripped off the blinders would be crucial. It would never be easy, but I'd appreciate it if he could step back from his OP, analyze HIS problem, and then explain it to me. I'd be crushed, but at least (if only years down the line) appreciate that he understood it was HIS problem, and not one with me.

 

This is what I'm trying to do now. First, figure out if we're just not compatible in a way I didn't see but allowed me to end up here...and second, figure out what's wrong with me that allowed me to end up here, regardless of whether or not we're compatible. I know this is wrong. So in the likelihood that I have to end things, I want to make sure he doesn't blame himself, and understands why and how I screwed up...and doesn't wonder what's wrong with him. Truth is, there's nothing wrong with him, only with us or me, and I think that if I end it, the least I can do is provide some explanation for my poor choices that doesn't give him room to blame himself.

[Spark1111]

Yes, it sounds awful and condescending. It's complex, and I love him dearly, but it's easy to roll your eyes at that, all things considered. I'm behaving poorly, treating him poorly, and he deserves better. We don't have kids (neither do MM & his wife), but we have enough of a history and life (family, etc.) together that it's worth slowing/stopping this relationship with MM to gain some perspective about who we are individually, our relationships, and what's going on with us that is driving this relatively short-lived affair. Even if me & MM end up alone, and whether or not fessing up is the right thing for them, or wherever this leads...we need to step back and think/feel honestly. We need to tread carefully, and approach this the best way possible.

 

Putting myself in his shoes (as woinlove suggested, and I really try to do regularly), there is no positive outcome...unless he was in my shoes and chose to stay with me and cut all ties with OW, and I was never any the wiser...and it was a one-time thing. That is the ONLY instance I can imagine in which truth might hurt me more. If he came to his senses and decided he was just scared and really wanted ME, I might be better off never knowing about his short-lived affair.

 

If not, I'd NEED to know. And in that case, how he ripped off the blinders would be crucial. It would never be easy, but I'd appreciate it if he could step back from his OP, analyze HIS problem, and then explain it to me. I'd be crushed, but at least (if only years down the line) appreciate that he understood it was HIS problem, and not one with me.

 

This is what I'm trying to do now. First, figure out if we're just not compatible in a way I didn't see but allowed me to end up here...and second, figure out what's wrong with me that allowed me to end up here, regardless of whether or not we're compatible. I know this is wrong. So in the likelihood that I have to end things, I want to make sure he doesn't blame himself, and understands why and how I screwed up...and doesn't wonder what's wrong with him. Truth is, there's nothing wrong with him, only with us or me, and I think that if I end it, the least I can do is provide some explanation for my poor choices that doesn't give him room to blame himself.

Great point! But HOW do you do this????????????????

 

Do you think it has a snowball's chance in hell if you continue investing more emotionally into your lover than in your spouse?

 

Do you think that gives your spouse a fighting chance to participate in restoring or ressurrecting what is ailing in the marriage if he is not informed of just how dire his life situation is at the moment?

 

Do you truly believe, you alone can figure this out without the influence of your love affair. or your lover and his situation, in a manner that will be logical, equitable or fair to any of you?

 

Do you think this can be done WITHOUT professional counseling to guide you to what is wrong with you or the marriage?

 

Do you believe that once you make a decision with this detached (NOT!) observances of your marital relationship, and if you find it lacking, that you and your lover will than sail into the sunset, happy forever, without discovering the very reason you BOTH had the affair in the first place?

 

How hard do you want to know the truth here? How courageous will you and he be to discover if this is what you want, not just for now when it is fun, new and easy, but the very long haul?

 

Do you think it's possible, fueled by a new romance, that you could possible lack objectivity and logic to accurately assess the state of your true emotions?

 

If it works out, God Bless. But if in five years from now you look back with any regrets, than you did not work hard enough to ensure the right decision was made. Or maybe he will.

 

What then?

[2sunny]

it seems that in order to know how good your marriage(s) COULD be - the truth should be known - to your spouses.

 

how can your H know the M is broken and needs to be fixed if you don't tell him? how can you have honesty within the M if you aren't truthful? how can YOU expect your M to be good when you place SO much energy on your MM?

 

look at how much you wrote about what is happening with your MM - what about what is happening with your H? place the energy there and see if it gets good again.

 

i can tell you this - if your energy is divided = neither man will feel as though they have all of you, your heart and a whole relationship. you are only offering part of the whole = and that is simply not good enough for a healthy, happy relationship.

 

so stop dividing = choose - and make it work. it can't work in your M if you still spend time and mental and emotional energy being invested in your MM. this is why it is important and only fair for your H to understand how emotionally disconnected you have become. that way he may be able to reconnect with you. it can't happen while you still have the distraction and safety net of your MM. if it's your MM that you want - then let your H go. be fair so that he can be free to find a woman that will hive herself completely to him, he deserves that. he thought he married that, this is why it is important to be honest with your H - you are not the woman he THOUGHT he married.

 

statistics show that if you are putting time and energy into the M - then you may get out of your M what you want, by putting the effort into it. have you done marriage counseling?

 

 

ooops, replace the word H with significant other...

Edited November 23, 2010 by 2sunny

[TVguy]

Hi Carrie

 

I am not sure how to do that either....can we exchange private emails somehow?

[carrie999]

Hi Carrie

 

I am not sure how to do that either....can we exchange private emails somehow?

 

Sure...email me at [email protected].

[carrie999]

Spark1111 and 2Sunny, these are my concerns, exactly. I worry about my FH and our relationship. I wonder if I'm being foolish by even entertaining this relationship...in fact, I know I am being foolish by not just choosing one relationship or the other to focus on nurturing. But I haven't made a decision yet. When I make my decision about FH, I hope it will be based upon how well I think we will work together in a marriage. And by then, hopefully I'll decide that MM is or is not worth this to me.

[2sunny]

Spark1111 and 2Sunny, these are my concerns, exactly. I worry about my FH and our relationship. I wonder if I'm being foolish by even entertaining this relationship...in fact, I know I am being foolish by not just choosing one relationship or the other to focus on nurturing. But I haven't made a decision yet. When I make my decision about FH, I hope it will be based upon how well I think we will work together in a marriage. And by then, hopefully I'll decide that MM is or is not worth this to me.

 

this sounds like a whole lot of nothing to me...

 

when nothing changes = nothing changes...