iheartcookies Posted November 19, 2010 Posted November 19, 2010 I need some insight, some help, some guidance…anything. I don’t know how I should feel or handle this. I feel so numb inside. Let’s call him Tom. Tom and I have been together for 2 ½ years. We’re both 20-years-old and go to different universities around 1 ½ hours away. I live at home and he dorms at his college. Now, we managed to maintain this long distance relationship because he came back on weekends and we were committed enough to make it work. Over time, I felt him drifting away as he became more involved with his university as a whole and I was stuck at home with my commuter university. He got more friends, he partied more, and he was living the college life. His visits became every other weekend and we just continued to drift apart. He broke up with me last summer the moment he went on his study abroad trip to China for 2 months. I was heartbroken and devastated. I never knew someone who told me he loved me could break up with me so suddenly. He told me he needed to explore and grow because he didn’t miss me as much as he should’ve in China and he wanted to get his full experience on his study abroad trip. I tried to move on, but in the back of my mind he was always there because I loved him despite the fact that he broke my heart. The moment he came back from his trip he came back to me and apologized. He said he made the biggest mistake and that he wanted to be with only me. He promised to be committed and that he realized I was the only girl he wanted to be with. He needed the time apart to realize he needed me. Stupidly, I took him back because I was blinded with love despite the fact that my friends told me what he did was unforgivable and that I deserved better. We were back together for the past 3 months until recently he told me that he ended up kissing some girl at a party and that he loved me but he doesn’t want to be with me right now. He says he so involved with so many school organizations, studying really hard, and he doesn’t want to end up hurting me by making mistakes with other girls when he’s partying. He says he feels distant because we barely see each other once a month and that for some reason he cannot commit himself. This contradicts everything he promised me when he came back from China. I didn’t talk to him for the past two weeks because I was so hurt and confused. He contacts me today telling me that he needs to talk to me. He says that he’s not really “moving on”, he just wants to have fun…but he loves me and I’m his best friend and he doesn’t want to lose me. He says that he can’t and won’t forget about me and that he wants to end up with me in the future but he cannot guarantee anything because life is constantly changing. He says that he wants us to grow up as individuals and if we end up with each other it will happen. He says that he can see me with him again and that he loves me, but for some reason right now he can’t commit. He still wants to talk and hang out with me. He says he misses me. He says he doesn't want to lose me. I want to be with him still. Is that stupid? Even though I’m hurting right now because I would commit to him in a heartbeat but he won’t…What do I do? How should I deal with this? He describes us as, “Two people who love each other regardless but are willing to let each other go for the sake of growing up as individuals” …I want him, guys, and it hurts so much because I want only him. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so depressed and unsure of myself.
Palm Posted November 19, 2010 Posted November 19, 2010 God... this is awful. I'm so sorry. And I'm a girl doing practically the same thing to a guy I love very much, right now. Isn't that messed up? But as far as advice goes, I can only offer what I see from my point of view, which may line up at least slightly with is. And this is going to suck. But he wants what he wants and he can't be blamed for that, although he is at fault for stringing you along with all the talk of missing you and trying to stay in contact with you. He wants to have his cake and eat it too at this point, he wants to have you whom he loves and knows and is comfortable with, and he wants to be able to go out and have a good time. It is wrong of him to have an on/off thing with you, he should have ended it and stuck to no contact. Unfortunately, he is being weak in that sense and now it is up to you to be strong and do what is best for you, even if it doesn't feel like its any good for you at all. You need to stop talking to him, you need to look at this as a permanent break up and forget all the crap he is feeding you about trying again in the future. While I am exaggerating, it might not be crap at all, you need to look at it as crap and completely disregard it. Get over him, or try to. Keep busy, make new friends at your commuter college (I commute too and live 45 minutes away from my college, its not impossible, trust me!) and hang out with them. Flirt with other guys. Make yourself feel better. Advance as a person WITHOUT him. Pick up an instrument, focus on school, etc. Eventually, your pain WILL go away and you will begin to feel like your own person again. And after a long time, once you can see a bright future without him in it, then MAYBE life will indeed bring you back together again. At that point you will be smarter, you will be more confident, you will know what you want much more clearly. And then you can take it from there. Right now, (I realize how much easier said than done this is) you have to forget about him and become your own person.
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