How do you actually make a move on a woman?

[luvnpain]

^^Well I see you did not answer my question before the part of my post that you quoted and that may shine light on the situation.

 

You say you don't get why a girl that knows you like her would come to your place and expect it to be friendly, but in her mind if you expressed that you like her and she reacted by telling you she didn't feel the same (just wanna be friends, not looking to date, want to focus on school, etc) then it's understood that nothings there. So you inviting her over with no "date talk" just communicates that you accepted her POV and is cool with being friends.

 

If that's how the situation is, then yes, it would be crappy of you to pounce on her next time she comes over for games. It could come off like a set up, since you built trust by not doing anything sexual toward her before, and yes she would have reason to be annoyed. Again, this is ONLY if she has already let you know before that she was not looking for anything other than friendship with you. If its that girl you posted about before then that girl has been pretty clear with you and you cannot face the issue. I hope its an new girl so you have a shot here.

[OceanGirl]

Somedude,

 

Have you ever kissed a girl?

 

It seems like you have some sort of mental block. Making a physical move is the easiest thing in the world, once you remove that block.

[somedude81]

You are a wise one luvnpain, correctly filling in all the details I left out

 

but in her mind if you expressed that you like her and she reacted by telling you she didn't feel the same (just wanna be friends, not looking to date, want to focus on school, etc) then it's understood that nothings there.

Nothing is understood, she's just assuming. And assumptions are dangerous things.

 

The logical process would be, "X asked me out, I rejected X but he still likes me. He may try to do something if I let him. I should be careful of what situations I put myself in " Not. "X asked me out, I rejected X. X understands that I said no and he will never try to do anything. It's perfectly fine to be alone with X because nothing will happen.

 

The later thought is just naive.

So you inviting her over with no "date talk" just communicates that you accepted her POV and is cool with being friends.

Before I invited her to my place, we were trying to brainstorm on things to do together. The video games was a last minute thought.

 

If that's how the situation is, then yes, it would be crappy of you to pounce on her next time she comes over for games. It could come off like a set up, since you built trust by not doing anything sexual toward her before, and yes she would have reason to be annoyed.

It is a set up.

 

The only reason I didn't try anything sexual was because I was nervous and didn't know what to do. Hence why I made this thread.

 

My goal for the next hangout out is to subtly make a move. I need to get a reaction from her, then we can have a serious talk.

 

Honestly I need one of two things to happen. Either she accepts my advances, or she completely shuts me down and breaks all contact with me.

 

I know that if I don't put in some serious effort in trying to make it happen, I will regret not trying for a VERY long time. I need to make sure that I never had a chance, that there were no maybes or what if.

[somedude81]

Somedude,

 

Have you ever kissed a girl?

 

It seems like you have some sort of mental block. Making a physical move is the easiest thing in the world, once you remove that block.

Great question and point.

 

I'm 29. I have only ever kissed one girl and that was back when I was 23. She was very forward in more ways than one, and made it very clear that she wanted me to kiss her. Heck before we had our first date we talked on the phone and she told me, "I think we're going to have our first kiss tomorrow."

 

So back then, it was a no risk situation. Now it's been many years since then and I do have mental blocks. Kissing is very intimate to me, and I also don't like being rejected, especially by people I care about.

[sweetjasmine]

Nothing is understood, she's just assuming. And assumptions are dangerous things.

 

And you seem to be assuming that she realizes you're still interested and that she's open to you making a move because she went to your apartment to hang out.

 

The logical process would be, "X asked me out, I rejected X but he still likes me. He may try to do something if I let him. I should be careful of what situations I put myself in " Not. "X asked me out, I rejected X. X understands that I said no and he will never try to do anything. It's perfectly fine to be alone with X because nothing will happen.

 

The later thought is just naive.

 

Eh, not necessarily. I've been in situations where X understood that I said no but we remained friends and spent time together alone as friends. In fact, one of my closest male friends was one of those X's.

 

So it's possible that she's thinking that, regardless of whether we agree on whether it's naive.

 

I know that if I don't put in some serious effort in trying to make it happen, I will regret not trying for a VERY long time. I need to make sure that I never had a chance, that there were no maybes or what if.

 

Why not ask her to dinner instead of "setting her up"? The set-up strikes me as pretty disingenuous, if she thinks you just want to be friends.

[phineas]

She's only 21 so the mentality is obviously different.

 

Yeah. no help there. sorry.

 

How do you tell them?

:eek:

 

I ask them out & use the word "date" somewhere in there.

 

I'll also compliment them when I see them & say "wow, you look hot" (this is only on women I'v known & talked to before a date"

 

I don't know what's creepier. That you rubbed your dogs ass. Or that you thought it was toned

 

She a black lab hound mix. Good runner.

[luvnpain]

Alright OP, I see where you are coming from, but I completely agree with sweetjasmine's response. I get that you need to know if it will go somewhere or not, but not with the setup.

 

I think if you already talked about another games hangout, then follow through and do that. When that time is winding down, just ask her out for dinner then. It still gives you an indication of her interest and gives you a way to have a conversation about it if you want to do that, but is less confrontational if she isn't interested and doesn't make you look bad.

[somedude81]

And you seem to be assuming that she realizes you're still interested and that she's open to you making a move because she went to your apartment to hang out.

Me assuming that she's knows I'm still interested and her being open to me making a move, are two very different things.

 

From the way I interact with her, the constant flirting, teasing and wanting to do stuff with her, it should be obvious that I'm into her. She'd have to actively pretend that I'm not, to not see it.

 

I have no idea if she's open to me making a move. It's a very big risk. If I knew she was open, I would have done so already and not made this thread

 

Eh, not necessarily. I've been in situations where X understood that I said no but we remained friends and spent time together alone as friends. In fact, one of my closest male friends was one of those X's.

 

So it's possible that she's thinking that, regardless of whether we agree on whether it's naive.

Hmm, then I wonder why he stayed friends? Did he just give up?

 

Why not ask her to dinner instead of "setting her up"? The set-up strikes me as pretty disingenuous, if she thinks you just want to be friends.

Going to dinner is expensive and boring.

 

I hope that I have not given her the impression that I just want to be friends. That's one reason why I need to make a physical move ASAP before she starts to really think about me as a friend.

 

My position, what I want from her has not changed. She seems to be slowly but surely opening up to me. Though there is a chance she's starting to think of me more and more as a friend. If that's the case, I hope she doesn't get hurt that much if things do go bad.

 

Another thing, is that the word "date" tends to scare away young women. They think it's something formal and serious and that I want to be their boyfriend etc.

 

I want to present a no pressure, relaxed environment.

Edited November 20, 2010 by somedude81

[phineas]

Cook her dinner.

Do you have a crock pot?

 

check out allrecipie.com

 

look for easy cheesy chicken. put it on rice or noodles.

 

also poppyseed brocoli you can use the broccoli steamers you nuke.

 

easy to make & tastes awesome.

[sweetjasmine]

From the way I interact with her, the constant flirting, teasing and wanting to do stuff with her, it should be obvious that I'm into her. She'd have to actively pretend that I'm not, to not see it.

 

Yeah, maybe. She might have noticed and be shy or she might be oblivious.

 

I have no idea if she's open to me making a move. It's a very big risk. If I knew she was open, I would have done so already and not made this thread

 

Well, yeah, but I just mean that if you ask her on a date, it'll clarify things a bit for both of you, and you'll be taking less of a risk when you make a move.

 

Hmm, then I wonder why he stayed friends? Did he just give up?

 

If by "give up" you mean moved on, then, yeah, this particular friend gave up. He didn't stick around in hopes I would change my mind. He respected my feelings and stuck around because he wanted to be friends with me anyway. I'm glad it worked out that way. We're both in happy relationships.

 

Going to dinner is expensive and boring.

 

Okay, then think of something that isn't expensive and boring. My point is that it might be better for you to ask her out on a date so that you're both on the same page about what's going on.

 

Just think about what carhill wrote regarding your apartment being your "territory." He's spot-on about that.

[somedude81]

Thanks for the idea. Cooking dinner is much cheaper than going out. I should probably plan another activity to go along with it.

[Cracker Jack]

Yeah, the cooking idea sounds pretty awesome. I think if you decide to go with that plan, it'll definitely show her that you're into her, without you having to ask her directly.

 

Is there any way you could do this over the weekend? Or is next Tue your only chance?

[carhill]

Dude, seriously, cooking at home is 'much cheaper than going out'?

 

The last lady I dated, on our last date (we had been dating about a month) had dinner with me at my favorite Chinese place and the dinner for both of us was under ten bucks, plus my generous tip. You can eat cheap and well and still have a good time. The cheap meal wasn't the reason we stopped dating, as she often ate at the same place too with her co-workers at lunch and loved their food. We just weren't compatible.

 

IMO, cooking for a 'date' at home is reserved for well into the process, where food becomes an expression of love (my Italian friends always say food is love) or, at least, strong 'like', and a glass of wine and two people cooking in the kitchen turns into, well, something else.

 

Anyway, if you want to try the cooking at home 'date', I guess you're going to. I did the same thing decades ago when I was your age. Maybe you'll succeed where I failed. Good luck

[somedude81]

Bah, I lost half my post. Lost track of tabs

 

She's 30 min away on the weekend. Lots of hassle, picking her up and driving her back home.

If by "give up" you mean moved on, then, yeah, this particular friend gave up. He didn't stick around in hopes I would change my mind. He respected my feelings and stuck around because he wanted to be friends with me anyway. I'm glad it worked out that way. We're both in happy relationships.

I'd move on if I could, I don't exactly have options. I actually got over her already and dated somebody else over the summer. Then she shoes up again in one of my classes and all the old feelings returned with a vengeance.

 

Also, I don't want to be her friend. It's too painful for me to be around her and then say goodbye, when I can't have her. I'll never be able to move on if she's still in my life.

 

 

Okay, then think of something that isn't expensive and boring. My point is that it might be better for you to ask her out on a date so that you're both on the same page about what's going on.

I don't want to use the word date. I explained why in my previous post.

 

It's a little hard to think of an activity that she will enjoy that won't cost a lot of money. That's basically why we ended up going to my house to play video games. There is a game center in town that she might enjoy, so that can be an alternative.

Just think about what carhill wrote regarding your apartment being your "territory." He's spot-on about that.

Damn right it's my territory.

 

False pretenses, I'm not sure about that. I want to show her that I'm interested, without freaking her out. So I can't come on to strong, or too weak.

Edited November 20, 2010 by somedude81

[somedude81]

Anyway, if you want to try the cooking at home 'date', I guess you're going to. I did the same thing decades ago when I was your age. Maybe you'll succeed where I failed. Good luck

I never said I would do the cook at home thing. I just acknowledged that it was a good idea.

 

I'd probably order pizza or get take out to eat while we watch a movie.

[Art_Critic]

How do you actually make a move on a woman?

 

Light footsteps and Duct Tape

[carhill]

I never said I would do the cook at home thing. I just acknowledged that it was a good idea.

 

I'd probably order pizza or get take out to eat while we watch a movie.

LOL, at your age that *is* cooking. The important thing is to *have fun*. Heck, share food, have a food fight, get messy. Rev up her emotions. Own the moment.

 

The absolute worst thing that can happen is she'll shut you down cold. If that's the answer, *accept it*. Don't compromise your attraction. The longer you drag this out, the more attached you'll get and the more this whole thing will hurt if it doesn't go your way.

 

Time for action. Let's go

[somedude81]

Exactly!

 

Many people reading this thread don't understand that. I can't keep dragging this out.

 

Either she accepts or shuts me down cold. There will be a change.

------------

 

This thread has gone a bit off-topic as all I really wanted were tips on how to make a move.

 

I'm still looking for those and would appreciate anything.

Edited November 20, 2010 by somedude81

[carhill]

I just suggested a very good one. Eating can be a very sensual shared activity. You'll find that most of my posts are on-topic

[Confusedalways]

How come you haven't responded to feelin frisky's idea? That's a perfect way to break the ice, for sure.

[somedude81]

How come you haven't responded to feelin frisky's idea? That's a perfect way to break the ice, for sure.

It doesn't seem natural.

 

I can imagine me doing that, and she'll just look at me funny.

 

Breaking the ice, isn't really the issue. I've already touched her hands a few times, I just having tried holding them yet.

[luvnpain]

Well, its not really off-topic because the stuff you were being questioned about was relevant. You are pretending not to know where you stand with this girl, when she has been clear. You wrote in another thread:

 

So after class today I asked her what she was doing this weekend. She said she was going to the museum for her art project, I said "cool, go with me." Then she asked if I was asking her out, before I could answer she said, "remember, I told you that I don't want to date anybody." I told her that's what you said 6 months ago. I said something that I'm not looking for anything serious and that we could go really slow but she just said that she doesn't want to date "not anybody."

 

This is clear communication on her part. She told you this about a month ago, AND approx 6 months prior according to what you wrote. Also sheds some light on why you don't want to use the word "date".You are not being forthright, and if you are gonna ask for advice, you should at least not skew the situation to get favorable responses. So, since it is clear that you don't want to hear this, I am asking the guys that have been responding: Would you keep pursuing after a woman has told you this on more than one occasion?

[Cracker Jack]

Wut?

 

I'm pretty sure the girl he's talking about is not the same as the above girl.

 

To answer the question: I wouldn't pursue a woman who didn't feel the same as me. It's just wasted energy.

[luvnpain]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t249317/

 

Read the first post of the thread. Same expression of not understanding why she'd hangout knowing he liked her.

 

Earlier in the thread he said she showed up in a class again and feelings resurfaced.

 

Not wanting to use dating language. (And yes a young woman doesn't mind being asked on a date if she's actually interested)

 

Same age as referred to in other thread.

 

Hey, if all of this is coincidence then OP can say it, but I asked and he didn't acknowledge that part of my post. He's being direct and thorough in answering everything else so that's why I think its the same girl.

[somedude81]

Well, its not really off-topic because the stuff you were being questioned about was relevant.

No, the questions are irrelevant.

 

In general I've always had trouble trying to make moves on women. I'd say that I have had several opportunities with different girls over the years and have not had anything come of them because I was too scared or I simply didn't know what to do.

 

A little over a year ago when I had roommates, one of them had a birthday party. I brought a girl over. We were both drinking and yet I didn't even try to kiss her. That night was the best opportunity I ever had to sleep with her and I still kick myself because I didn't even try. A few days later she ended up hooking up with some other dude. We eventually had a semi-related fight and I haven't spoken to her since.

 

One thing I know, is that I will be in this situation again. If I fail, at least I know that I tried.

 

It's all risk vs. reward. The potential pay off is very high. The worst that could happen is that we stop talking. Which isn't even that bad because the semester is over in the middle of December. Even if I didn't try, I would stop talking to her because we would no longer be in the same class. Since we aren't friends, there's a chance that we simply stop communicating.

 

Long story short, failing has the same outcome as me not trying. I'd just feel better about it.

 

Getting back to my OP, the purpose of this thread is not to specifically talk about my relationship with one girl.

Edited November 20, 2010 by somedude81