finally resolved to leave Bum of man who treated wife like dirt after surgery

[whirlygig]

I posted here over a year ago about marriage troubles i was in the muddle of. Well, since then we've tried marriage counseling (dh quit) and i am currently in individual counseling to figure out how to untangle this mess, among other things.

 

But... just one week ago I had an accident. And, amazing how an accident/abrupt change in one's circumstances can shead a new light on intractable situations or difficult decisions. Well, to make a long story short, I had a fall 7 days ago, and needed stitches on my chin and mouth and surgery to fix my broken jaw. Ouch,... and now mouth is wired shut for month.

 

Well, 48 hours post-surgery my "husband" of 18 years was in a funk because, as he claims, I was "verbally abusing him". (actually, I had asked him if he was mad at me about anything due to his foul mood and told him that his demeanor upsets the kids and me sometimes... to him that was an excuse to pull out the verbal abuse big guns and use them against me). Yes, I am taking a narcotic pain medicine, quite necessary with the pain I was in literally 48 hours after surgery and having screws implanted in my broken jaw. (I fell as a ladder gave away under me while CLEANING the GUTTERS that he had said he'd do, but left to me in a funk that day. Long story)

 

So he accused ME of verbal abuse and used that tidbit as ammunition toay, "you just don't know when to shut up, even with your jaw wired shut"! And when I burst into uncontrollable tears at that, he said, "POh gee and now you are crying to try to make me feel guilty!".

 

And 30 minutes later, when he came back upstairs, I asked him how much wine he had had to drink, he came back with, " that is some question for you to be asking me considering the way you've been swilling on that codeine bottle" !!!

 

I kid you not. And this is the man who earlier that day had been so solicitous and helpful, bringing me slushies, water, asking how I was feeling,... And so the next day he again "sweetly" asked if I needed anything, so I replied, "an apology".

 

His response-a quick return to the cold man, "ONly if you apologize first!!".

 

And I knew after these incidents, that no matter what he had or hadn't done before, and no matter how "nice" he can be, that I will be leaving him very soon. This is simply unforgiveable to me, and so unacceptabl ein a person I would call my husband or even "family".

 

-- So, wondering , have others had such decisive moments that crystallize a decision that may have been hard to make before? Has anyone gotten such horrendous treatment before? I am so freaking appalled by this man. I will never be able to look at him the same way again.

[whirlygig]

i had meant to add-- a heads up that I am well on the mend. ! All going very well according to Doc at appt today. I am also feeling a lot better and in much less pain.

[2.50 a gallon]

Yes a lightbulb event

 

Everything is your fault.

 

In a loving relationship he is supposed to be your best friend. At this point in time, I don't think that he is even a friend.

 

Go with you gut

[You Go Girl]

OP--if he is a regular drinker, do yourself a favor and sign up at soberrecovery.com.

You may want to get yourself into alanon too. Consider it seriously. Although not all drinkers are abusive, yours is.

 

Hope you are enjoying all those strawberry and chocolate shakes! Now if I could only find an excuse to partake in them...

Making light of your situation because humor can be the most healing thing in the world sometimes.

You'll get through this. Read, read some more, and then read some more. Knowledge is empowering, and it will empower YOU.

[You Go Girl]

Just read your backstory...

He's a selfish serial cheater. He has taken advantage of your gullible nature time and time again.

Your suspicion thread and the gaslighting...

I hope you did open your eyes and realize that he is a serial cheater.

You want to know how to prove it?

You don't even need a keylogger.

The lack of honesty, openness, and intimacy.

People think they need concrete proof when it is right in front of their face psychologically.

[goingstrong]

YGG,

 

I would still wait until you've recovered a bit to make a final decision...even though he does sound like a real tool. A stressful event like brings out the best and worst in us.

[whirlygig]

Thanks for your notes back!

 

Yes, I just don't know why I have kept holding out for positive changes. After all these years I ought to know that hubby won't be changing.

 

(( Reading back I realize I almost made it sound as though I were some druggie needing meds. To be clear, I am not that kind of person at all but have needed strong meds since my surgery 9 days ago. Weaning off them now as the pain lessens, and that is going well. The last thing I want is any sort of chemical dependency- being fit and healthy is my lifestyle. And, the husband is not an alcoholic but does get mean when he drinks at times. Of course he can become cruel while totally sober, too, but wine in his system brings out that inner rage that has nothing to do with me at all. His childhood was lousy, but not my fault! ))

 

Having clarified that... Well this post-surgery is continuing about like before on the husband front. He is cool and distant but helpful in some ways, especially when it boosts his ego. While my mother was here (for 3 days earlier this week) he was an angel for the most part, bringing home delicious foods and stuff from the restaurant, and desserts for my Mom. But he had an "episide" even right in front of her.

 

I have basically stopped asking him to do things for me while I'm recovering. But yesterday I showed him a specific recipe and asked if he could fix it for me at work (he is a chef). He said yes... but then left without the recipe. AND came home saying he was too busy and didn't have time to make it. Baloney!!! The head chef makes time if he wants to, especially for a hurting wife at home.

 

This was yet another lesson to me. DO NOT ASK or EXPECT ANYTHING from this man, becuase he will not come through if *I* want something... Everything has to be on his terms, right down to making a silly soup!

 

I will be leaving him as soon as possible after I recover. And thank goodness for his obviousness lately, just don't think he can make things more clear for me.

 

And yet, he just started individual counseling two weeks ago after I said it was counseling or a divorce. This will not change my mind at this point, I am done being hurt by this cruel person.

 

I am still amazed by my resolve though. It WAS the hurtful words he said not 48 hours after my surgery that did it, too. Just not acceptable from one's dearly beloved to be treated like that. I am quite sure that no reassessing after I heal a bit more will change my mind, but the advice from "goingstrong" is very well taken!! Thing is, I've been seriously deliberating leaving him for a good year now, it is not just a reaction to one incident...