Guess I'm not the only girl he met online!red flags or stupid mistakes on his part?

[samadams]

Hey I need serious advice on how to get over the fact that my bf of a year & a half lied to me about a one night stand he had, which I asked him about specifically.

The one night stand happened before we were dating, but while he was chatting me up/flirting with me. So it's not like he cheated- BUT he stayed in touch w/ the girl for a long time after it happened,& it overlapped into the time that we started dating.

I knew something was going on between them b/c of the flirty & borderline inappropriate comments she would leave all over his fb. I used to ask him who she was & he'd always say no one/just a friend. But he'd write flirty stuff back to her & yeah it would bother me cuz he was telling me I was the only girl he was interested in though his actions said otherwise.

I should add that he met her on myspace, went to the city she lived in for literally 2 days to "go to a concert" (is what he told me)& ended up screwing her.

I knew him back then,& we liked each other back then, so I'd always jokingly ask if they ended up hooking up & he always told me no, he's not that kind of guy, etc

We have been dating for a year & a half & he only admitted it about 2 months ago (& he was wasted when he told me).

Ofcourse I was pissed because he lied straight to my face when I asked specifically about it/her. It also really bothers me that-when I found out-he told me he was ashamed of it & that he wanted to forget all about her, yet he kept in contact w/ her until around may of last year...

The thought of him w/ someone else gets under my skin but more than that, the fact that he lied about something obvious totally pisses me off, even almost 2 months after finding out.

Btw- you might say that, aren't there guys I've been w/ in my past that I regret? Well no, because I lost my virginity to my current bf.

What do you make of the situation? I try not to think about it but I can't help it sometimes..

Also there was another shady situation w/ another girl who used to write him flirty stuff as well a girl he actually knew from home) & when I asked him who she was, he said she was a "psycho" who had a crush on him forever. I went into his inbox on fb & saw that he was writing her messages asking how her boobs looked/how they were feeling after she got a boob job,& proceeded to ask for topless pics! He also asked her when they were gonna meet up to have sex (or something along those lines, I forgot exactly what). This happened 6 months into our relationship (so I hate to bring it up since it was a little over a year ago, but still).

I've talked to him about both these situations, he's apologized over & over.

He moved from the UK to be with me (we also met online). He moved from his family & friends to be with me & has always been a great, sweet bf so thats why I'm still with him... but what do you think of these situations? (mainly the one about the girl he had sex w/, kept it from me& stayed in touch w/ her?) thanks a lot!!

Edited November 19, 2010 by samadams

[creighton0123]

The first story about the one-night stand girl reads like a white flag. Sure, he hooked up with her while you were in the pre-relationship phase. Yes, he lied about it. What you need to ask yourself is why he lied. Did he want to hide the truth from you because he didn't want to get into a fight or did he hide the truth from you because he was legitimately ashamed of his behavior?

 

The second story seems like an outright failure at monogamy on both sides:

 

1. He was having seductive/sexual conversations with another person while in a relationship with you. He apologized and apologized. Forgive and forget or don't is your choice.

2. You signed onto his facebook and read his private messages. All in all, some couples have an open-door policy when it comes to communications they have with others. You seemed to sneak it, which suggests you don't have a zero-privacy policy.

 

The red flag is raised not in the fact that he did the former and you did the latter, but that he was able to do the former and you thought you had to do the latter.

 

It comes down to trust and communication. Can you see yourself trusting him enough to be faithful and monogamous to you? Are you able to communicate well enough with him on the serious discussion of absolute monogamy?

 

Take care of yourself. Always use protection. He may be able to remain faithful, but if he can't, you don't want anything that will stick around after he's gone.

[GrietJa]

I met my ex-husband on the internet. And yes ex-husband. People aren't always who they seem. On the other hand I meet a lot of nice people on the internet too. My boyfriend now lives 7000 kms away from me. Do I trust him? Yes I do. Am I worried it goes wrong again? Oh yeah. So we take it real slow now. And luckily he respects this. To be honest I'm prepared it goes wrong again. I won't ever be real sure until I shall be at his side. qtl { position: absolute; border: 1px solid #cccccc; -moz-border-radius: 5px; opacity: 0.2; line-height: 100%; z-index: 999; direction: ltr; } qtl:hover,qtl.open { opacity: 1; } qtl,qtlbar { height: 22px; } qtlbar { display: block; width: 100%; background-color: #cccccc; cursor: move; } qtlbar img { border: 0; padding: 3px; height: 16px; width: 16px; cursor: pointer; } qtlbar img:hover { background-color: #aaaaff; } qtl>iframe { border: 0; height: 0; width: 0; } qtl.open { height: auto; } qtl.open>iframe { height: 200px; width: 300px; }

[Phoenix01]

I'v read your story and you don't have to listen to actually anyone, but if he was my boyfriend I'd leave him. I mean seriously the worst thing is what he wrote to that girl. As my boyfriend says trust IS the most important thing in a relationship. Make the decision which will make you happy.

[flickster42490]

^^^^completely agree with above.

 

When he lied to you about something so significant, that's a big no-no in any relationship. Also, I feel like he was essentially cheating on the other girl when he was chatting you up, so you should know what kind of guy he is when it comes to loyalty and fidelity...so I say leave him and find a less promiscuous guy!

[Peppermint11]

It sounds to me that he is immature and not ready for the type of serious relationship that you want. Have you two set clear boundaries about what is appropriate and inappropriate in your relationship? If so, and he still is ignoring them I sounds to me that it is time to move on. Also, can you trust him or do you think you will you be able to trust him in the future? If not, I would end the relationship now. Once trust is lost it is very hard to get it back. Best of luck!

[OrdealByFire]

This is selfish of me but I don't want to create a thread for a simple question, I'm sorry...

 

If someone lies about using a random website, should that be cause for concern...? Even if the two of you still talk almost non-stop? I've found my girlfriend randomly using a chat website on more than one occasion. I tell her that if she uses it to just tell me, but she never does.

 

Gut tells me, "She's cheating, you idiot." Then in another way I figure she's just meeting friends.

 

As far as your story goes, he sounds like a typical guy. I wouldn't stay with a girl if she did that to me, but that's just my opinion.

[samadams]

Hey thanks everyone for your advice & help. Just an update, I'm still pretty angry about all of this even though it has been around 3 months since I initially found out about his one night stand & the fact that he lied about it. Is it time for me to just get over it or do i have a right to still be pissed?

Some days I feel as though I'm more angry about it now than I was the night I found out. We have been doing OK but whenever we go out for a fee drinks, it comes up & we argue a lot.

I also feel like I wanna have a one night stand myself just so I won't feel as though I missed out on anything if that makes sense. I mean I'm not saying if we broke up I would all of a sudden become promiscuous but I feel as though it's not fair that he's had his fun,& I have only been with him.

Any advice? Thanks

[TMichaels]

I also feel like I wanna have a one night stand myself just so I won't feel as though I missed out on anything if that makes sense. I mean I'm not saying if we broke up I would all of a sudden become promiscuous but I feel as though it's not fair that he's had his fun,& I have only been with him.

Any advice? Thanks

 

That's a really mature reaction. Is "tit for tat" the way you usually deal with life?

 

 

Best,

TMichaels

[samadams]

No I think you are misunderstanding what I said as a way to get revenge. I'm in no way trying to get revenge or "get back" at him or anything. It is just frustrating to know that I'm a good looking 20 year old girl who had the chance to be with/date/have a fling with etc etc a lot of really funny, nice, good looking guys & never did because I have self-control.

My bf is 7 years older than me, what do you think he was doing at my age? Yeah I get that he has a past, I am annoyed at what he blatantly lied about & how he kept in touch with a one night stand (who he said he was ashamed of) AFTER we started dating. Was my attention not enough?

So now, I kind of feel like being single for a while & "having fun" the way everyone else has, before fully committing to someone. I'm 20 years old & have only been with one guy, & he has hurt me. Can you blame how I feel?

That's all I meant in my last post, it has nothing to do with "tit for tat".

[kittie s.]

No I think you are misunderstanding what I said as a way to get revenge. I'm in no way trying to get revenge or "get back" at him or anything. It is just frustrating to know that I'm a good looking 20 year old girl who had the chance to be with/date/have a fling with etc etc a lot of really funny, nice, good looking guys & never did because I have self-control.

My bf is 7 years older than me, what do you think he was doing at my age? Yeah I get that he has a past, I am annoyed at what he blatantly lied about & how he kept in touch with a one night stand (who he said he was ashamed of) AFTER we started dating. Was my attention not enough?

So now, I kind of feel like being single for a while & "having fun" the way everyone else has, before fully committing to someone. I'm 20 years old & have only been with one guy, & he has hurt me. Can you blame how I feel?

That's all I meant in my last post, it has nothing to do with "tit for tat".

 

Actually it still sounds kind of like "tit for tat" from what you're saying. Or if that isn't the case, you are saying that you want to be single for awhile to see what it is like. If you're having feelings like that, perhaps you shouldn't be in a relationship. People in a solid relationship only want to be with the one person, not curious and wondering what it's like to be with other people. If you stay in your relationship and continue feeling like you should be single, then yes we can blame how you feel. I do hope you find what makes you happy, if it is either staying in the relationship or leaving. Just make yourself happy.