Palm Posted November 19, 2010 Posted November 19, 2010 Hey guys, this is my first post on here. I just need some help, and some advice. Here is some background information: 18, F, I broke up with my boyfriend of a year and a half, three weeks ago. He was my whole world, and I was the same to him. I loved him more than ANYTHING, I cannot stress this enough, he was the reason for me to wake up in the morning, he was perfect. And I know he felt the exact same way. This boy and I fit together like puzzle pieces. We were utterly convinced that we were going to get married. And I still love him, and I still want to be with him. The complications arose at the beginning of the relationship - I was restless. I have always been scared of commitment and even though I knew he was "the one," every month or so I would begin to distance myself, and cause fights, because I thought I was too young, and we would be going to different colleges soon, and frankly I thought he had just never met a chill girl before (he has a tendency to go for the super popular, bitchy, mind-game playing girl - I am not like that, and I used to think he thought I was the ONLY girl in the world not like that) and needed to go out and experience more before settling down with me. And I wanted to do the same. He was a pretty jealous guy, I lost all contact with guy friends because it made him uncomfortable. Now, before I get "abusive relationship" call outs, I CHOSE to make him my whole life. He never asked me to drop my boys, I chose to do so because I saw it made him uncomfortable and caused problems in our relationship. So I stopped having any interactions with other people besides a few close girlfriends in my life. And I am an incredibly social person, so I lost a part of myself. A big part. I've always been the type of girl who encourages their boyfriend to hang out with other people and even flirt with other people. I think that by harmless flirting, you take positive energy from those situations (the knowledge that you are still desirable, etc) and bring it back to benefit your relationship. It seems backwards, but I truly believe that if someone is going to cheat on you, there is nothing you can do to prevent it. And I trusted him completely - neither he nor I would ever EVER do that. So I kept telling him I wanted him to have a life outside of me, hoping he would relax a little which would allow me to do the same, but he hates people. He would have been totally content if he never saw another person but me for the rest of his life. I... could not do that. I lost track of everything but him. I stopped writing, drawing, playing piano and guitar... and he stopped caring about other things as well. We both did, spending all of our spare time together and never with other people. He doesn't believe it, but he changed from the guy I first started dating. But I am the only one who really noticed and cared. And maybe it is my fault, I am 18, I do not know how to balance a very serious relationship and my own life, but especially a serious relationship with him made it difficult to do so. Finally (three weeks ago), I realized how far down that road I had come. I knew I had to make a change. And I had sort of brought it up before, we tried "breaks," but they lasted maybe two days. We were completely addicted to each other, I couldn't stay away from him if I tried. I knew it had to be drastic. So I told him to come over and I broke up with him, right then and there, no bull****. Told him what I could manage to remember/state clearly about my reasoning, in that emotional state. Asked him to not contact me. Changed my facebook status right away, so that people would see and I couldn't change my mind like I knew I would have otherwise. So now here we are, both of us trying to deal with the repercussions of the end of a relationship that we both still feel we should be in. We've talked a few times, he thinks I have G.I.G.S. which may be true, I don't know. I told him I wanted to try to be friends in a year or so, and I still stand by the fact that I am going to marry him, that there is no one else out there for me. But I just was not ready for the level of commitment that we had. He's sort of stuck on this idea that I want to be with other guys, but that isn't even half of the reason I broke up with him. And no matter how many times I explain, he doesn't seem to get it and when angry reverts back to that reasoning. Yes, that is part of it I guess. I do want to have the freedom to date around a little bit. I also want him to do the same. I really, truly do. The fact that he might find someone he likes more and never take me back is a risk that I am taking, a risk that is mine to take. And the title of this post is his most recent facebook update. Over the past three weeks, I have been miserable. But I have been trying to keep busy, I've gone to a few parties, flirted around a little, met some guys. Nothing (in my eyes) very serious at all. Nothing I should be apologetic for. He seems to be taking it as the ultimate betrayal. He's a very good looking guy, I know he has gone to some parties and he has been around other girls and he could be doing the same thing as me but he tells me he just doesn't feel like it. And he tries to talk to me about how much I am hurting him when he reads flirty comments on my facebook from other guys (which, as I said before, in my opinion are absolutely meaningless - he has a tendency to read into those kinds of things) and I just have to tell him things like, "I'm sorry, we can talk and joke around but I can't be here for you for this sort of thing." And then I have to tell him I have to go, I can't talk to him anymore, he needs to deal with this kind of stuff himself, and I feel like an utter bitch. I think being this kind of mean is the only way to ever make him face reality though. He seems to think I am not suffering just as much. In reality, I am just not showing my pain to him, because that would be so horribly mean. But its really hard. Am I doing the right thing here? Or am I in the wrong? No contact isn't working, we talk occasionally, which I am not too upset about - sometimes we both need it. But when its not light conversation, its absolutely awful. And it always ends with him telling me how hard of a time he is having and me telling him that I have to go and I can't help him. I've been on his end of the bargain (though in my case, the guy who dumped me didn't give a **** about me and was the worst human being possible about everything) and I know how he feels and its killing me. Well, if anyone actually reads this, they will be my hero. Thanks in advance, guys. I'm just a girl trying to make sense of things without hurting the person I love most in this world.
dreamingoftigers Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 You would need to explain to him that you are hurting too but the only way you think that you both could heal from this is to have no contact. Tell him that you will no longer be taking calls from him and that he needs to respect that.
Xero8780 Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 this is identical to my situation...but I am the guy haha
TaraMaiden Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 I fail to understand why this has to be an "All or Nothing" situation. Have you guys never heard of communication and compromise? There is such a thing as making a joint effort to have "me" time, and while relationships are about commitment and equal responsibility, they do not mean living in each other's pockets. you can still be in a steady, serious and committed relationship - AND lead individual interesting lives too. The best relationships thrive on the two partners being independent, not co-dependent. I watched a documentary last night on Rolf Harris. he's interesting talented, funny and versatile. His wife (and this was the first time I'd ever seen her) is an artist and creative talent in her own right. You really should read "Marriage" by Kahil Gibran. It describes exactly what a good relationship consists of. But to be sure - if this is something you feel unable to fulfil and achieve with your guy then yes, precisely as d.o.t has said - you need to go completely No Contact, if you ever harbour any hope of recovery moving on and friendship.
eonline Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Communication will help you, just be honest to him
Akumark Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 (edited) You want to be a good girl? Then stop contacting him right away. He is clearly in love with you. You are moving on but he can't, for now. If you don't let him go soon he will, I don't know one guy who can hurt himself like that forever and still want to be friends. After a good period of NC, maybe you guys will become friends again or more, but that is irrelevant at the moment. Edited January 5, 2011 by Akumark
Keridan Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 I agree with the posters who say go NC. It sucks. It's hard. You care about him and want him to help him through this. That's all normal, but it's not healthy. As long as you come to each other for support, you are still linked and can't redefine your relationships with each other or other people. You tried working on compromises and that didn't work out for you. You tried to be supportive and just feel worse. Read up a little on no contact here on LS. There are some very intelligent and informative posts and even guides on the subject. There is a real reason for it that is not cruel or mean to the person you lost. Especially when you are so young and have been so completely intertwined. By the way, I think you made the toughest, but right, decision in breaking up. He may not have pushed you away from important things in your life, but the relationship did. That's not healthy, especially when you are so young. There is too much life to be experienced. You should be enjoying time with your friends constantly, working on your art and music, etc. These experiences are vital. I'm sorry you are going through this and I wish you the best! Really do read up on NC, you will see it isn't mean.
Akumark Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 I agree with the posters who say go NC. It sucks. It's hard. You care about him and want him to help him through this. That's all normal, but it's not healthy. As long as you come to each other for support, you are still linked and can't redefine your relationships with each other or other people. You tried working on compromises and that didn't work out for you. You tried to be supportive and just feel worse. Read up a little on no contact here on LS. There are some very intelligent and informative posts and even guides on the subject. There is a real reason for it that is not cruel or mean to the person you lost. Especially when you are so young and have been so completely intertwined. By the way, I think you made the toughest, but right, decision in breaking up. He may not have pushed you away from important things in your life, but the relationship did. That's not healthy, especially when you are so young. There is too much life to be experienced. You should be enjoying time with your friends constantly, working on your art and music, etc. These experiences are vital. I'm sorry you are going through this and I wish you the best! Really do read up on NC, you will see it isn't mean. Yes, exactly! I do not judge you in any ways, it's a good thing you listened to yourself and decided to go on with your life to try new experiences. You will learn a lot, mostly from the bad! Better do it now than later.
Byren Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 Heh, it'd seem that I'm in a similar boat to your ex. A month ago my ex and I broke up because of future goals being on different time frames, and whilst breaking up she told me that 'it'd be good to maybe get back together again someday after we've experienced life some more and are both ready' I've had to pretty much force NC on her because she keeps coming round to spend time with mutual friends that we lived with together. My friends understand and are willing to go out of their ways to meet up with her elsewhere, which is nice of them But yeah, full NC is the way to go - it was working brilliantly until she broke it, I just had to explain that every time she comes back it's like she's picking at a partially healed wound and it just sets me right back. Maybe your guy will have a similar breakthrough and ask you to do the same as I did.
SimonSerenade Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 Your not going to like my reply, If you were to ask me personally I'd say your an idiot, You clearly love this guy and he clearly loves you, your overthinking things that really don't need a second thought, Maybe he's a little insecure about you with other guys but big woop, just shows how much he loves you to feel that way and be open about it with you and how much he respects you for never asking you to stop talking to those guys and like you say, You had one of the worst human beings possible but seems like thats your type so get used to more people like that cause thats all your trading in your one true love for. I was once as stupid and young as you, Had it all with great people and because other people were out there having a good time and being single, I thought I wanted that too and felt I was missing out big time but right now theres nothing I wouldn't give in the world to feel loved and cherished again. The only advice I can give you is either find it in yourself to balance love and commitment and a individual life or leave him be and go no contact, block and delete him of facebook etc cause this pain your putting him through right now aint fair on him and after finishing him for such selfish reasons you really don't even deserve him to be your friend let alone anything else. Amazing how more and more people these days only see one solution to a problem in a relationship and thats always ending it, People are idiots.
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