4 weeks on... and nothing

[Yaz]

Hi all, I'm new.

My fiancee broke it off with me about a month ago - we were together for just over 18 months. We've had no contact apart from arranging shared property and terminating our lease.

I'm finding it hard to believe things will get better.

I didn't choose to end it, but I get all the hurt. I need my best friend more now than ever, and he's the one person I can't talk to. I still cry and cry, and it's been 4 weeks.

When he left, he left things open: "it's important we stay friends... if there is a chance for us... we'll have a coffee in a couple of months... next time we'll take things much, much slower... we'll go for a trip one weekend..."

I let what he said go - I can't hold on to that hope if I am to heal. I am trying to put myself first, take time to grieve and feel better. It is so hard not to call him for support. It is so hard not to ask "Are we still friends? Did you mean what you said?"

I am NC, going on for 3 weeks. I feel worse now than the day he left. My friends have been great. My family has been great. But I just want him. Even though he doesn't want me. He was my one and only and I have to live without him.

I am trying to be rational, and think it all out, justify my actions (to text or not to?) and explain to myself that I am worth something, and that I will feel better soon. I'll have a cry, and just take it a little at a time and don't contact him EVER. I am doing all this, yet I still feel worse every day.

Is there anything I can do, that will stop or dull this aching in me? How long will it take to heal?

[alwayshoping]

Hey yaz.

 

Welcome to LS, okay so here is what I learnt in my break up.

Hope it helps.

 

Keep busy! Super busy. Go to the gym, see friends etc.

This won't make it better. It wont stop you thinking of him.

It will make it alittle easier though.

 

All the advice etc on here didn't help me, or so I thought.

But keeping busy and making myself fitter and busier when in NC helped but speeding up getting over her.

 

70+ days NC and I'm myself again. Yes I miss her but I'm so happy alone, something that didn't seem possible when she left me. Infact if you told me after she left I would be okay 3 months later I would have laughed/cried as I didn't want to get over! But as someone quoted on this website: if they are stupid enough to walk away then be smart enough to let them leave.

 

Nothing will help apart from Other friends etc to talk things through. Try something new, something you have always wanted to do! I took up acting as a hobby!

 

Anyways. I wish I could say stuff to make you feel better. But when your world leaves you, no one can console you. You have to just give it time.

 

Remember that even if he wants you back it won't work. Why? Because you will always resent him for leaving you, maybe getting with someone else etc

 

Your perfect guy will realise the instant he's with you that he will never ever leave you, because your wayyyyyyy too amazing to let go of for even a second.

 

Keep posting on here. It does help.

People maybe harsh with replies sometimes but they will tell you what you need to hear.

Some days will be hard others easier, it's a rollacoster and it's just about riding it out and rediscovering yourself.

 

Good luck lovely x

[chuzzbug]

I feel for you.

 

Things may or may not get better on their own, but it's universally accepted that if you do all the things that 1000s of people in this situation have shown to be effective, things *will* get better. It's within your reach, even though at this moment far away.

 

If you have an urge to contact him, don't and use it as a testament of strength.

 

If you have a really crappy day, consider that you made it through and use it as a sign of strength.

 

If you're with a caring friend or family member, consider what you have instead of what you don't.

 

I know, I know. It all sounds trite. Just do it, don't think about it, and I promise that things will get better.

 

You are strong and will make it through this.

[Yaz]

Thank you for your kind words. It is hard, because he wasn't really sure about anything, and left the door open for my hope.

I've been reading GIG threads and it's made me feel a little better. But I still am crying all over the place, and wondering why I couldn't have met my perfect man AFTER he saw all the grass. Will he come back, or will he have changed too much to be with me?

I know the answer in my heart and mind, and am so depressed that I'll never see him again. That he just threw me away, he won't apologise for the hurt he caused, or even think of me again. I'm nothing to him. It's so hard to accept that such strong feelings are unrequited. But! I am something to me, and I will live my life for myself. I can and will get through this, whether I choose to or not.

So, I have a feeling that I'm getting through it all, but then something will make me think of him and cry. It's like two steps forward, one step back. Tomorrow I'll probably wake up, feel sick, throw up, cry for a couple of hours, listen to some sad music, cry some more and watch that movie "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" for the fiftieth time.

And cry. I cry for missing him, but I cry for myself as well. I deserve better. I am doing my best, for me - and why that makes me cry so hard is just a mystery.

[D-Lish]

You have to grieve, it's just something you have to do in order to find your light at the end of the tunnel. I know you can't even imagine finding that light feeling the way you do now, but it will happen.

 

You do have to participate in your own recovery, that's really important.

 

Everytime I break up with someone, I find a goal to focus on. It's usually slimming down by going to the gym, throwing myself into my professional life.

 

You have to treat this like it's over 100%- so that means enforcing no contact. I had a particularly hard break up with an ex once and he cut off all contact with me. I thought it cruel, but in the end I realized he did me a favour- because not speaking with him or having anything to do with him actually sped up my healing.

 

Trust me when I tell you that you don't want to "be friends" with an ex. My exH and I remained in contact after we broke up, and all that did was keep me stuck. It wasn't until we both cut off our contact that both of us were able to move forward.

 

Keeping in contact only keeps hope alive- and as much as you want to have hope, you have to treat things like there isn't any.

 

Don't waste anymore time pining after someone that has made it clear they aren't as equally invested in you as you are in them.

 

When you wake up tomorrow, instead of spending the morning listening to sad songs and watching movies that exacerbate your pain- go in a different direction.