Desperate for an outside perspective

[scared_girl]

I have posted on other websites looking for help, so if you have already seen my story I'm sorry, I am just desperate for help.

 

Long story short my husband has a sleep disorder that caused him to rape me. He was asleep during the act, and he did stop when he woke up. To me the event is rape, to him he was just having a dream about sex that got out of hand. He also acts out other dreams and typically just tears down the blinds and screams at what he thinks are home invaders. He has also been known to grab guns while he is asleep, so he can clear the house. I knew nothing about this problem until we were already married.

 

His denial of my experience and refusal to talk about what happened caused me even more pain and I ended up in an EA. I knew that what I was doing was wrong, but I needed to feel good about myself and I didn't care if I hurt my husband because he had already hurt me. The EA developed and we ended up making out. My husband found out pretty quickly and forced me to end the relationship. I was not ready to, so I kept in contact with the OM. The OM wants to be with me, but doesn't want to start a relationship built on lies. He tried to cut things off so I could figure things out and decide which path I want to take, but I wouldn't let him go. (Not that this excuses my behavior by any means, but before the rape I was not happy in the marriage. My H was never around and expected me to stay home by myself all the time because he quote "likes it better when I am home because that way I am always waiting for him to return.")

 

My H ended up going to the OM's work to meet him. He brought a friend who is a social worker to make sure things stayed calm. During this meeting the OM agreed to cut off contact with me to either a) give my husband a chance to save the marriage or b) give me time to sort things out and fix myself before we could have an honest chance to build a relationship.

 

That happened last week. I am happy that my husband did that because I was not strong enough to cut off communication, but I am still devastated about what happened and I am really struggling to figure out whether or not my feelings for both men are part of the fog or if they are real. I haven't felt love for my husband since the rape, which occured before the affair started. I'm sure that is a normal reaction to what happened and I made the rip between us bigger by running to another man.

 

Right now I am just trying to grieve the loss of the OM from my daily life, but I still hold out hope that we will be together again. My H really wants to work things out, but I feel like I would never feel safe with him again. He is getting help, but the medication he is on is not 100% effective and that is what I need it to be. I want to have children (thank God we don't have any) and I refuse to put them in a home with someone who could hurt them without knowing what is happening. I've told him this countless times and he always freaks out and tells me that I am a horrible person for not sticking with him. I agree that I am a horrible person because of my actions, but I still feel like I shouldn't have to sacrafice having children because of this.

 

Right now we are in this limbo phase because I told him that I would wait to make a decision until we get the results from his sleep study. During this time I am constantly thinking about the OM. The sad part is that my H and I have not been living together for a few weeks (for my safety) and I don't miss him at all. I'm sure some of it is the fog, but I'm also sure some of it is because of the rape.

 

How do I get through the next few weeks and how do I know when the fog has lifted? What if I really don't love my husband anymore because of what happened to me?

 

I know my situation is really messed up, but any outside perspective would be greatly appreciated.

[plowguy1]

My heart goes out to you, You asked for an outside perspective so I'll give you mine. I hope it's not too harsh. I think maybe your husband can be helped, and maybe you could have gotten past what happened to you and maybe you couldn't, but You brought in a 3rd party with no visible baggage, who's new and exciting, who listens with a sympathetic ear, and who basically has no negatives. your husband is toast, be gentle with him, and thank God you don't have kids

[chuzzbug]

I can only imagine that what you experienced that night with your husband was terrifying. It's not something that anyone would be expected to get over quickly.

 

In your position, however, and despite the trauma, I would try to keep my mind clear enough to repeat the fact that this was not a premeditated action, nor a conscious action. If indeed he was sleeping, he had no idea what he was doing.

 

You say that he stopped when he woke up. Probably it was just as traumatizing to him as to you, though in a different way. I certainly don't mean to downplay the effect this has had on you.

 

His reaction to not want to acknowledge how this affected you was a serious transgression on his part. It may be that without a frank and open discussion, sharing of pain, considering the possibility that this may happen again, this wound will never heal.

 

Having an affair exacerbated the issue and made the wound even less likely to heal.

 

I suspect that there are other issues at work here, given how this situation has spiralled into a much more complicated problem. Are you communicating? Do you have a relationship based on mutual respect and care?

 

Practically, my advice would be that you can either have the OM or your H, not both. To think about OM while with H is cruel and vengeful and constitutes a conscious action (unlike your H's original act).

 

Yes, you were a victim of the original act. Seek resolution, healing and move forward. Don't use it as an excuse to lash out.

[scared_girl]

plowguy1,

 

Trust me there is no way you can be too harsh. I've been beating myself up for weeks. I know that I messed up big time and I am trying to make things right.

 

chuzzbug,

 

Trying to remember that he was sleeping is the hardest part. It is really hard to go through the pain of being raped when there was no intent and there is no one to blame. I honestly wish that some random crazy person would have done this to me, that way I could have someone to blame and be able to press charges. Also, if it was someone else I don't think that it would hurt as much. Having the person who you are supposed to trust the most do that to you is devastating to say the least. My counselor says that it typically takes years for someone to recover from being raped by a loved one.

 

He apologized to me this week for not acknowledging how this affected me. He said that after it happened he went into denial and thought that if he didn't say anything about it that the issue would go away. He didn't want to believe that he did that to me, so he pretended like nothing happened.

 

I know that the affair made things worse. I don't know what came over me. I don't want to have both men, I know it is one or the other. I'm trying not to think about the OM, but everything reminds me about him. It has only been a week and a half with no communication between us, so my thoughts of him will most likely fade given more time. My feelings for him are really strong and I'm trying to figure out if that is due to the circumstances or if they are real.

 

My H and I are communicating. We are not fighting or anything, but it is very strained. He really wants to make things work and is pushing me to go back to the way things were and I am not comfortable with that. When I look at him all I see is the monster who raped me. I am really uneasy around him and I am trying to only see him in public.

 

A long time ago our relationship was based on mutual respect and care. The last few years have been very rocky for me, but perfect for him (except for the last few months).