4+ months into break-up, need direction going foward

[PrideAndJoy]

Hi guys,

 

Here is my story, any advice is much appreciated. Obviously im posting here because my girlfriend broke up with me, or should I say left me. After almost 3 years with my girlfriend, in what I thought was an great relationship (lots of happiness, good experiences, lived together almost the whole time we were dating, no fighting etc...) I came home from work one day to find out she had moved all her stuff out and took our dog that we had raised from a puppy together. Almost immediately after I found out that she was dating someone who she worked with. I was pretty upset by all this, especially because it was so unexpected. All things considered I think I handled it pretty well, but still prob came off a little needy/weak. After a few weeks of trying to convince her that we should be together still, I gave up and went no contact with her. Ever since I went no contact she would text me like clock-work every week and half and ask how I was doing or say other random things, like the dogs doing ok, or that I could come see the dog any time. Sometimes I would respond, sometimes not. I was still going through stages of strength/weakness and I made it known to her that I wasnt over her but I was going to be doing my own thing, dating other people, and moving on with my life. Fast Foward a few months to current time. She has broken up with the guy she dated right after me. Now she is going out to nightclubs and bars excessively (just turned 21). Having been around 4 months since we have broken up, my emotions are in much better control and I have improved my life in a number of ways (job, in great shape..etc) I have also slept with another girl a few times since the breakup, but I still have my ex on my mind. A big part of me wants to never talk to her again for how she treated me, but another part of me wants to forgive her because I hold a special place in my heart for her (We have known each other for over 5 years now). She has also recently tried to friend request me on Facebook, and I havent accepted, which she has complained about a few times now. Since the break up she has came over and hung out at my house two times, one time we spent the night together, nothing sexual happened, but she did get into her thong and we cuddled. She says she broke up with me because her feelings changed. She also says she couldnt see her self having sex with me or even kissing me at this point. One of the times we hung out though, she was saying she felt alot of sexual tension between us and she was basically turned on. This past week she invited me to lunch and to take our dog to a dog park. She has also invited me out to meet her at a bar/club. I feel like very slowly things are moving forward, but it could all be in my head. My question for you guys is:

 

1.) Why is she maintaining this contact with me if she had lost enough feelings for me to screw me over the way she did. (I NEVER initiate contact, its always her).

 

2.) How should I play this out if I do want to keep the option open for us to get back together in the future (keep going with the no-contact/put more effort in).

 

I know I have more questions but cant think of them at the moment. Any thoughts/advice/input is awesome guys!

Edited November 18, 2010 by PrideAndJoy

[SimonSerenade]

Hi guys,

 

Here is my story, any advice is much appreciated. Obviously im posting here because my girlfriend broke up with me, or should I say left me. After almost 3 years with my girlfriend, in what I thought was an great relationship (lots of happiness, good experiences, lived together almost the whole time we were dating, no fighting etc...) I came home from work one day to find out she had moved all her stuff out and took our dog that we had raised from a puppy together. Almost immediately after I found out that she was dating someone who she worked with. I was pretty upset by all this, especially because it was so unexpected. All things considered I think I handled it pretty well, but still prob came off a little needy/weak. After a few weeks of trying to convince her that we should be together still, I gave up and went no contact with her. Ever since I went no contact she would text me like clock-work every week and half and ask how I was doing or say other random things, like the dogs doing ok, or that I could come see the dog any time. Sometimes I would respond, sometimes not. I was still going through stages of strength/weakness and I made it known to her that I wasnt over her but I was going to be doing my own thing, dating other people, and moving on with my life. Fast Foward a few months to current time. She has broken up with the guy she dated right after me. Now she is going out to nightclubs and bars excessively (just turned 21). Having been around 4 months since we have broken up, my emotions are in much better control and I have improved my life in a number of ways (job, in great shape..etc) I have also slept with another girl a few times since the breakup, but I still have my ex on my mind. A big part of me wants to never talk to her again for how she treated me, but another part of me wants to forgive her because I hold a special place in my heart for her (We have known each other for over 5 years now). She has also recently tried to friend request me on Facebook, and I havent accepted, which she has complained about a few times now. Since the break up she has came over and hung out at my house two times, one time we spent the night together, nothing sexual happened, but she did get into her thong and we cuddled. She says she broke up with me because her feelings changed. She also says she couldnt see her self having sex with me or even kissing me at this point. One of the times we hung out though, she was saying she felt alot of sexual tension between us and she was basically turned on. This past week she invited me to lunch and to take our dog to a dog park. She has also invited me out to meet her at a bar/club. I feel like very slowly things are moving forward, but it could all be in my head. My question for you guys is:

 

1.) Why is she maintaining this contact with me if she had lost enough feelings for me to screw me over the way she did. (I NEVER initiate contact, its always her).

 

2.) How should I play this out if I do want to keep the option open for us to get back together in the future (keep going with the no-contact/put more effort in).

 

I know I have more questions but cant think of them at the moment. Any thoughts/advice/input is awesome guys!

 

 

This probably isn't the answer your looking for right now but its the straight up answer I think you need in the long run, She really hurt you and she's been with somebody else and yet she's treating you like she can just come and go as she so pleases, If she wants you back I'd make her do the running otherwise you'll just feel worthless and always wonder why she didn't quite try hard enough, Personally I'd draw the line at getting back with somebody who would get with somebody else after me cause lets face it... True love is the type of love you share with one person and the moment you leave and trade it in for someone else, It pretty much becomes worthless.

 

Everybody makes mistakes though and if you feel she's learned from the mistake and you knew in your heart that she wouldn't do this again and know in your heart that she loves you then go for it and be as open and honest as possible cause lets face it, You've gone this far without her in your life, You should let her know your not afraid to do it again if she keeps messing you about, Stick to the person you are and keep in there.

[SeriousBob12]

Girls have this knack and tendency to long for friends after a relationship. I rarely see it in guys, but it's almost always a given with girls. Where as we don't see the point, it's a huge part for them.

 

Through my experiences it's a confusing notion and you have to play it very careful. I have seen, experienced, and read on here of how things quickly change once the title of "friends" has been established....in most cases they just throw you to the curb and treat you as if you don't exist, almost like they accomplished what they set out for.

 

Personally I'd tell this girl to screw off. I can't imagine how hard it must have been to come home and find her gone, let alone find out she was with another dude. As much as you want to forgive her, I don't think it's in your best interests or she deserves it. Three years is a long time, and don't look down on yourself for not being entirely over her.

 

If you feel you need to meet-up with her then so be it, but have your guard up and expect the worst. It sounds like she's just being a typical female and determined to make sure that you two are "friends." I'm willing to bet it all stems from her being in the obvious wrong of how she handled things and wants to redeem herself in the situation...That sounds far too noble though, she isn't doing it for your forgiveness she's doing it so she doesn't look so bad. Your feelings are second....if that.

 

Maybe I missed it, but I don't recall you saying that she apologized for her actions. That right there has got to be a hint. If you were important to her and she truly cared about your feelings she would have recognized the damage and pain she caused you when she upped and left. Sure people make mistakes, but she would have at least stepped up to the plate and admitted wrong, and be doing anything to make it obvious she feels bad. Instead, from what you've told me I don't get that vibe at all.

 

For the love of god DO NOT GO OUT WITH HER TO A CLUB! You're almost asking for an awful night. In almost all cases, this turns out awful. You go out expecting a night of dancing and getting close, only to be watching on the sidelines as she experiences it with other guys....now if you pick up a hotter girl at the club then all the power to you.

Edited November 19, 2010 by SeriousBob12

[PrideAndJoy]

Maybe I missed it, but I don't recall you saying that she apologized for her actions. That right there has got to be a hint. If you were important to her and she truly cared about your feelings she would have recognized the damage and pain she caused you when she upped and left. Sure people make mistakes, but she would have at least stepped up to the plate and admitted wrong, and be doing anything to make it obvious she feels bad. Instead, from what you've told me I don't get that vibe at all.

 

Your right she really hasn't apologized and that has made it somewhat harder. I would love for her to tell me shes sorry for what shes done and that it was a mistake, but no such luck. In fact she has told me she feels she handled the situation well, and tried to make it as easy as possible on me. She claims she thought it would have been harder for me to be there while she was moving her things out of my house. I always respond that she did it in the way that made it easiest for her not me.