A Tragic Story about a Girl and a Boy

[youaretheone]

This is a long story so below is just a summary of it. I can't evaluate my behaviours with this girl objectively and I am afraid I might be pedestaling her. I would like to hear your opinions and advice on how things look like with this girl and how I should proceed next time I come across her. Thank you!

 

- Meet this girl at a party, take her number.

- See her at another party. Can't talk too much because it's crowded. At the end of the night, as we are going downstairs, some drunk guys throw glass bottles down the stairs and she is under them. I pull her from the hand and escape her. Then we hug. (Yeah, very romantic. )

- Ask her out at the end of the night and she says "yes".

- Can't meet because she goes away for 2 weeks. Attraction is high. She wants to see me.

- First Mistake: She invites me to a party and I accept it. A party with lots of friends around is never a good idea for a first date. It is almost impossible to get to know other person besides being physical. It is also needy and clingy if you try to stick with her and talk to her all night long.

- At the end of the night she tells me "I'm not a girl you can take home." meaning I am interested in her for sex. I respond "Do I look like a guy who wants to do that?" and she says "I don't know." I tell her it is impossible to get to know her in a group setting like that. She does not respond and says "I'll see you next week.".

- After that night, everything starts going downhill. Attraction is cracking.

- Second Mistake: Ask her out for a second time, she is still willing but before that, there is a birthday party of a common friend so we meet up at the party again without an one-on-one date.

- Cut physical contact after things she said about "taking her home". Tried to play it cool. Flirted and conversed with her as well as talking to other people at the party. Did not forget to stop by her once in every 10 minutes to chat with her but she was cold and it affected my enthusiasm.

- Everytime I go away and talk to other people, she looks disappointed. She becomes distant as I become more distant and it's like a chain reaction.

- She leaves without saying goodbye at the end of the party.

- I send her a one last message on Facebook to clarify myself and see where it leads. It basically explains once again how unfortunate it was for us to see each other at parties, not in an individual meeting where we would be able to get to know each other better. How things might have been different and why I still want to give us a chance because I want to know her better in person and it is impossible in a party setting. Why she might have guessed that I am only interested in sex but my point was different. Told her to let me know if she still wants to give it a chance, otherwise, I totally understand and will move on.

- Sent it yesterday and still waiting for a reply.

[Lakeside_runner]

There is just too much drama...

[youaretheone]

There is just too much drama...

 

I already knew that one. Anything new?

[JohnnyBlaze]

...and how I should proceed next time I come across her.

It depends. If she contacts you in the next day or two, then base it on how she responds. If she responds eager to date you (not in a group setting), congrats! Have fun! If she's looking for another group setting or doesn't sound eager, I'd personally recommend you take a pass.

 

If she doesn't reply, move on. Don't bother emailing, FB'ing or calling her. She already knows where you stand. It is now up to her to decide if she wants to proceed. If she does, she does. If she doesn't, sorry.

 

I may be wrong, but that's how I'd proceed.

[welikeincrowds]

Yep, agree. Your cards are out. You didn't do anything particularly wrong, so don't beat yourself up. Hopefully she responds favorably. She probably will. What's a date?

 

Ideally you would have wanted not to solve this with a last-stand treatise but by simply calling her and asking her out on a real date. And only if she waffled at that point would I have advised presenting your case to the jury.

[Lakeside_runner]

I already knew that one. Anything new?

 

What I meant is - if you know there is too much drama and you don't enjoy it then why would you want to continue this?

 

You didn't do anything wrong. Your actions were appropriate and there is nothing wrong with your attitude. From your description, she's acting like a drama queen. What are you looking for? A LTR? Are you attracted to her looks or her personality?

[D-Lish]

She sounds like a real drama queen!

I'm not so sure I'd be wanting to even see her again!

[LittleTiger]

Slightly different take on this - couldn't it be the OP who's creating all the drama? This is his version of the events remember.

 

Op, if you like her, pick up the phone and ask her out on a one to one date. If she says yes, set up a date - time, place, just the two of you. If she follows through take it from there.

 

It is just possible that she thought that last party was your date, and yet there you were acting like it wasn't. No wonder she went cold on you and left without saying goodbye.

 

I think this is just a huge misunderstanding on both sides. Pick up the phone and talk to her or you'll never know.

[youaretheone]

What I meant is - if you know there is too much drama and you don't enjoy it then why would you want to continue this?

 

You didn't do anything wrong. Your actions were appropriate and there is nothing wrong with your attitude. From your description, she's acting like a drama queen. What are you looking for? A LTR? Are you attracted to her looks or her personality?

 

Yep, I am looking for a LTR. I like her looks. Aside, she took care of her drunk friend after the first party and took her home, which was another plus for me. Since we didn't have a chance to talk about deep topics, I do not know too much about her personality but the way she stands and talks makes me want spend more time with her.

 

Slightly different take on this - couldn't it be the OP who's creating all the drama? This is his version of the events remember.

 

Op, if you like her, pick up the phone and ask her out on a one to one date. If she says yes, set up a date - time, place, just the two of you. If she follows through take it from there.

 

It is just possible that she thought that last party was your date, and yet there you were acting like it wasn't. No wonder she went cold on you and left without saying goodbye.

 

I think this is just a huge misunderstanding on both sides. Pick up the phone and talk to her or you'll never know.

 

I wrote her the Facebook message because I thought things might be getting out of control because of a misunderstanding on both sides as you have said. I do not want to lose the opportunity of a LTR with this girl just because of a dumb misunderstanding.

 

I also thought about asking her one more time but there was also a chance that she might not pick up the phone after all that has happened on the party so I wanted to make my intentions clear in a way that is guaranteed to reach her. I wrote it as a last stand because I did not want to look like a desperate guy without any other options, which is truly not the case now. It was a message in which I wanted her to see what's happening from my side, if you want to rephrase it.

 

I already asked her 3 times without having a real "date". Don't you think that it is too much? I am not sure but wouldn't it seem too pushy to call her again after I wrote that message, as if I am trying to get a decision out of her asap?

 

And one more question to the dear posters here: Do you agree with me on the opinion that a party is not really a good place to get to know someone you are interested in when you have lots of distractions around? Is it only me who does not like it that way or is there way to do it I do not know about?

 

Putting myself into her shoes, I would not want a guy sticking around me in a party where the main purpose is to have fun and socialize. It's just not a place to concentrate on one person to see if you are compatible or not.

Edited November 19, 2010 by youaretheone

[LittleTiger]

The way I see it, you've asked her out several times and she's said yes, but you haven't actually been on a date yet. She's probably wondering what you're playing at.

 

Unless she thought the party was a date in which case she'll be thinking you're messing her about.

 

Yes, parties are terrible places to get to know someone unless you want to sit in a corner whispering sweet nothings and obviously that's not what parties are supposed to be about.

 

You've got nothing to lose by ringing her up and telling her straight. Say you want to take her out, one to one, and get to know her better.

 

If she says no, at least you'll know where you stand. If she says yes, arrange a date, time and place, on the spot. So far, it's all been too 'wishy washy'. Firm up some plans and follow through.

[youaretheone]

The way I see it, you've asked her out several times and she's said yes, but you haven't actually been on a date yet. She's probably wondering what you're playing at.

 

Unless she thought the party was a date in which case she'll be thinking you're messing her about.

 

Yes, parties are terrible places to get to know someone unless you want to sit in a corner whispering sweet nothings and obviously that's not what parties are supposed to be about.

 

You've got nothing to lose by ringing her up and telling her straight. Say you want to take her out, one to one, and get to know her better.

 

If she says no, at least you'll know where you stand. If she says yes, arrange a date, time and place, on the spot. So far, it's all been too 'wishy washy'. Firm up some plans and follow through.

 

Ok, I really understand what you are saying but if I called her again before she read the message, wouldn't the message lose all of its purpose?

 

I wrote the message acting on the assumption that she has given upon me because of this misunderstanding. If she sees me calling before reading the message, wouldn't she say "Oh come on, not you again.". That's what I would do if I were her.

[D-Jam]

I'd walk.

 

I've experienced women similar to this in the past. I find it funny how she can't go on a date with you because of a two-week vacation or something, but she's always making time for parties and such.

 

I remember my first and only experience with a single mom. She lived at home, had wealthy parents to take care of her, but also help her out while she pursued a degree. She seemed very into me, but never seem to have time to date with school and her son and all.

 

NOW...the point that I was turned off was when she had actual time, she would immediately get with her girl friends and hit the clubs. Plus I notice how friends can come over and hang all the time, but I really am not invited.

 

Your girl might like you, but she doesn't like you enough to give up her social life for you. I've seen many women who think like this, where partying with the friends is waaaaay more important than a boyfriend or anything. Often times too these women really are hot for another guy they can't have, so they're looking for a substitute...yet can't get excited by any other choice because they still want the one guy.

 

I don't care what women want to chime in and say "I don't have to and I won't give up any aspect of my life for a man!" Good for you, but don't complain then when you're the one who's alone and all your friends are out on dates and/or married.

 

When you date, you have to give up things...plain and simple. You give up the amount of times you see your friends, and other factors of your life to fit someone in there. If you're a workaholic, then you have to give up some work time for dating time. If you have a massive social life, then you have to say "no" on some nights to the friends and be with the person you're dating.

 

If you're not willing to give up time for this person, then don't date...and don't accept dates or show interest in other people.

 

I know the moment I see a girl is "too busy" for a boyfriend or unwilling to make time for me, I move on. I don't care if she's royally interested and even all over me at a party. I move on. You want to date me, then date me...don't look for a guy who can take off and put back on the shelf.

 

You asked her out several times, she's said yes, but she can't commit to hard plans and/or give up the friends for a night for you...move on.

 

 

 

I'll still never forget one woman whom I went on a date with, and during dinner she was texting friends, and even wanted things to end at 9 so she could hit the bars with her friends. I simply ended things there and called it a night.

[LittleTiger]

Ok, I really understand what you are saying but if I called her again before she read the message, wouldn't the message lose all of its purpose?

 

I wrote the message acting on the assumption that she has given upon me because of this misunderstanding. If she sees me calling before reading the message, wouldn't she say "Oh come on, not you again.". That's what I would do if I were her.

 

How do you know she hasn't read the message?

 

Personally, though, I don't think it matters whether she's read the message or not. You can only deal with the facts that you know and with what you want to achieve at this point.

 

My understanding is that you want to take her on a one to one date - just the two of you. Honestly, if I was her, and if I really liked you, and you rang me and said 'hey, I'm really sorry about all this confusion and stuff, lets start again - how about a proper date?', I would probably say 'sure why not'.

[LittleTiger]

I've experienced women similar to this in the past. I find it funny how she can't go on a date with you because of a two-week vacation or something, but she's always making time for parties and such..

 

You seem to be assuming that she's refusing to go on a one to one date, but that's not the impression I get from the OP.

 

She said she was interested but they never actually fixed a specific date/time/place. Instead they've just been going to the same parties. I'm not sure if anybody's to blame for where they're at right now. I'd say probably 50/50. I think she's probably waiting for him to ask her on a proper date.

 

I could have it all wrong but that's how I see this situation. There's not much to lose here anyway, even if she says no.

[youaretheone]

D-Jam, thanks for the long and sincere advice but I think LittleTiger is right at this point. It was more of being unable to meet on a proper date because of the both sides, rather than the will of one person. First party is a consequence of me being out of town for 4 days and wanting to see her before that. That's why she invited me to the party, which was on the day before I was leaving. Second party is a consequence of having a common friend's bday and we could not meet before that because both of our course schedules did not match.

 

How do you know she hasn't read the message?

 

Personally, though, I don't think it matters whether she's read the message or not. You can only deal with the facts that you know and with what you want to achieve at this point.

 

My understanding is that you want to take her on a one to one date - just the two of you. Honestly, if I was her, and if I really liked you, and you rang me and said 'hey, I'm really sorry about all this confusion and stuff, lets start again - how about a proper date?', I would probably say 'sure why not'.

 

I know it because she is moving to a new apartment within these two days and she won't have internet for a few days.

 

Yes, I really want to take her to a one to one date. That's what I have been trying to do for two weeks. I was really cool with it and ready to move on when I was writing that Facebook message but now, desperation is taking over me again. I really do not want to let it go. It's maybe too much pedestaling but even though I have met 2 new girls who are potential dates in the last few days, this girl is always in my mind. I am not sure why.

 

Oh damn, LittleTiger, I do not know why but your advice looks very logical and irresistable to take. I think I will give it one more shot tomorrow by calling her and then erase all the suspense. That will be my final answer.

 

Should I explain to her what I wrote on that message once more if she didn't read it or just mention it, make a short summary and then say that I want to start things from scratch?

[LittleTiger]

Oh damn, LittleTiger, I do not know why but your advice looks very logical and irresistable to take. I think I will give it one more shot tomorrow by calling her and then erase all the suspense. That will be my final answer.

 

Should I explain to her what I wrote on that message once more if she didn't read it or just mention it, make a short summary and then say that I want to start things from scratch?

 

My advice looks logical because it is logical.

 

I really don't understand all the over-analysing that goes on in this forum most of the time. To me it's simple. Look at the facts, decide what you want to achieve (based on the current situation), take the most appropriate course of action and always be yourself (no games).

 

You could mention that you sent the email but don't make a big deal of it. There is a chance she will say no, of course, so be prepared......but if she says yes, the most important thing right now is to get a proper date sorted - day, time and place - and probably as soon as possible.

 

Whatever happens, at least you'll know for sure and you can forget about all the angst that it's being causing you and move on - with or without her.

 

Good luck.

[youaretheone]

She was on Facebook a few minutes before. (Saw her on Facebook chat.) She most probably read my message. No replies.

 

Do you think I should still call? I guess it will be too pushy after this point on. Maybe I should wait for her to come to me if she still wants it.

[dispatch3d]

I assume she was suggesting she doesn't want a one night fling?

 

Ask her out on a date at x place at y time. See if she says yes or no. Somehow you've managed to not do this but gotten a number AND hung out with her at TWO parties. Next time screw the number, it means nothing, get a date then get the number.

[Left in a Lurch]

 

I remember my first and only experience with a single mom. She lived at home, had wealthy parents to take care of her, but also help her out while she pursued a degree. She seemed very into me, but never seem to have time to date with school and her son and all.

 

NOW...the point that I was turned off was when she had actual time, she would immediately get with her girl friends and hit the clubs. Plus I notice how friends can come over and hang all the time, but I really am not invited.

 

Funny, I just went through that same thing twice back to back. Next the excuses will fly and they get lamer every time, but they are coated with "hunny" and "sweetie" so it throws you off.

 

It's very hard to just move on, but otherwise you'll end up spending time chasing this girl and getting "yes I'll go out with you" and she will make it seem like the universe is against you and the timing is always off. She'll make it seem like her having to go to the DMV for 45 minutes on Tuesday somehow makes it impossible to see you over the next 2 years.

 

The thing I would have been turned off at with this girl is when she told you she wasn't a girl you can just take home. I had a girl I was mildly interested in say that same basic thing out of the blue once and I said something like, "Why, are your pants stuffed with unicorns and 100 dollar bills? Because I'm sure I could live without anything you have down there". That struck a nerve with me because I think it's a bad thing when a woman that doesn't know you assumes you are an animal without control.

[youaretheone]

I assume she was suggesting she doesn't want a one night fling?

 

Ask her out on a date at x place at y time. See if she says yes or no. Somehow you've managed to not do this but gotten a number AND hung out with her at TWO parties. Next time screw the number, it means nothing, get a date then get the number.

 

No, actually I did manage to do that but the first time, I was leaving the town and she asked me out to a party she was going to and the second time, we were both busy on the days the other was not so we ended up meeting at the same bday party of a common friend. I asked her out to a proper date like 2-3 times.

 

I guess I have to move on at this point because she read my message and I get no replies. I do not want to chase after her anymore by asking her out. It would be trying so hard and now I feel like it is not really worth it anymore.

 

Lessons learned:

 

1) Never meet a girl at a party as a date or be all over her at the party but still accept the fact that she has the luxury to socialize with other people and prefer ignoring you.

 

2) Honesty never works, at least in the early stages of a potential relationship.

[LittleTiger]

I asked her out to a proper date like 2-3 times.

 

Did you? A proper date means fixing a day, time and place. My understanding was that you hadn't actually got to that stage. From your original post I also got the impression that she gave you her number but you didn't ring her? Correct me if I'm wrong.

 

I guess I have to move on at this point because she read my message and I get no replies. I do not want to chase after her anymore by asking her out. It would be trying so hard and now I feel like it is not really worth it anymore.

 

Lessons learned:

 

1) Never meet a girl at a party as a date or be all over her at the party but still accept the fact that she has the luxury to socialize with other people and prefer ignoring you.

 

2) Honesty never works, at least in the early stages of a potential relationship.

 

Wow, really? How did you come to these conclusions?

 

1) A party as a first date isn't a great idea BUT if it is a date, yes, you stick to the girl like glue - because it's supposed to be a date. Yes, she has the luxury of socialising with other people, just as you do, but my understanding was you were the one ignoring her, not the other way around. You left her to go and socialise at the party (because you thought you should?) so she was hurt and she left. Again, correct me if I'm wrong.

 

2) Correction - honesty is the ONLY thing that works. If you'd both been honest with one another from the start, none of this misunderstanding would have happened.

 

To me, it all appears to have been another example of game playing, second guessing each other and trying to follow non-existent dating 'rules'.

 

IT'S SO SIMPLE.

 

You: Hey, do you fancy going out on a date sometime?

Her: Yes, thanks I'd love to (or no thanks)

You: Great, when are you free (or ok, well nice to meet you)

Her: I'm free X, Y or Z

You: Ok, how about X at whatever time, whatever place?

Her: Sounds great

You: Here's my number if you need to contact me

Her: Thanks (and maybe she'll give you hers)

 

Less than 60 seconds and it a done deal.

 

She may ring to cancel. If so, try another date and time, if that doesn't work, forget it.

 

She may not turn up. If so, forget it.

 

You can't guarantee that the girl will be straight and honest, but you can, and always should be, 100% honest with her.

 

If you really think giving up on this girl is the right thing to do, then obviously you should give up. With the next girl, do it the easy way.

[youaretheone]

Did I tell you that desperation is taking me over? I should really stop being the guy who takes things so seriously or I will hurt myself.

 

To make things more clear, yes, I called her after I got her number and asked her out on a real date like you mentioned, with exact time, place and day. She could not because she was away for 2 weeks. When she returned, I did it again, but this time, I was leaving soon for a conference and she invited me to a party she was attending. After that party, I asked her out with specific time and place, once more but that time, our schedules did not fit and we had to meet at the bday party.

 

However, these things do not matter anymore. I called her just a few minutes before and she answered. We had a nice conversation and then I asked her out once more if she would fancy going on a "real" date this time and she said "No, because I would rather be friends with you.". Then I asked her if she read my Facebook message and then she said "I saw it on the way home but did not have a chance to read all of it. I will read it and reply to it in the evening when I come home.". I added "It would be nice to read it because I know things were weird between us and I wanted to be honest and wanted you to hear my inner voice.". She said ok and then we said bye.

 

What are the chances that she will change her mind and decides to give it one more shot? So, I guess that's the end of a story...

Edited November 20, 2010 by youaretheone

[LittleTiger]

What are the chances that she will change her mind and decides to give it one more shot? So, I guess that's the end of a story...

 

Unfortunately, you can't guess at what somebody will or won't do in the future. I was friends with my ex husband for 22 years before we got together so never say never!

 

Maybe she only wanted to be friends in the first place and that's why the proper date never happened. If that's the case she should never have said yes and you're better off without a girl like that. You'll never know unless she decides to tell you. That's why honesty is so important. 100% honesty means nobody gets messed about.

 

Did you actually agree on a mutually convenient day, time and place or did you just suggest something and she said she couldn't make it? I think there's a difference - until you've both agreed on the details, you haven't actually made a date.

 

Anyway, it seems you gave it your best shot and it didn't work out. That's life. You've lost nothing and you may even have gained a friend - plus you have a little more experience and you know to do things differently next time.

[youaretheone]

In both of it, we both suggested times but it never fitted our schedules so we decided to meet at a party.

 

I am really happy that I took your advice and called her. It rescued me from the hassle of hurting myself by making assumptions about her.

 

I also thank all the others who tried to provide their sincere opinions.

 

I have just one more question before closing this topic: This evening, the faith or whatever you may call it, brought us together again. This time, she was riding home on her bike and saw me on the road. I was the one saying hey and then she realized me and stopped, then said "hey" enthusiastically. I felt very confident talking to her and it was like I totally moved on because I could talk to her like I do with any of my friends. On the other hand, she looked a bit nervous, never looking at my face when she was talking and a little unsure of what she is gonna say. We walked like 3 minutes together and I was the one asking questions, making jokes and avoiding weird silence. As we were leaving, we kissed like friends do and then she said "It was nice to meet you.", meaning that it was nice to come across me on the way and I wanted to tease her a little about that and said "Oh, it was nice to meet you too, what was your name... Jenny?". She did not get my joke and tried to correct what she said anxiously but I could not hear what she said because I already said goodbye and was walking to my apartment.

 

I was totally cool about seeing her again but I guess she was feeling a bit nervous seeing me after that phone call. What is the best way to act if I see her again, until things settle down? I do not want things to be weird and uncomfortable. Maybe joking with her was a bit unsensitive thing to do at this point. What do you think?

[dispatch3d]

to answer your question, who gives a **** you aren't dating her. If it's awkward too bad for her. Lol. If you can somehow entertain yourself with her awkwardness then cool. Otherwise just ignore.

 

Don't send girls emotionally heavy anything if you aren't in a serious relationship. And if you are in a serious relationship don't send that crap either. I really think you shot yourself in the foot.

 

Date asking seemed decent. From the sounds of it, whenever she said she couldn't make the date but meet me at x party I would have just written her off but been glad I was going to the party.