The pain is too intense to bear..

[BruisedHeart]

Monday was d-day for me. I had been close friends with my MM for close to 10 years. We had seen each other through many ups and downs in our own marriages. We started a relationship almost 4 years ago. We were always friends at the core, but we were also passionate in our love for each other. We both got married very young and both of us had only slept with our spouses and that lent to the curiosity of being with someone else. We felt safe taking that step with each other to see what it was like to be with someone else. It made us even closer. Along the way, I've learned that my MM had a porn addiction. His wife would catch him time and time again and kick him out of the bedroom and sometimes out of the house. She took away his iphone when she saw random pics on it, she put security devices and filters on his computer at work so that he couldn't go to questionable websites. She also made him give her the password to his work computer so that she could dial into his email from home to see if he had anything questionable there too. He owns a successful business btw.

 

The last year of our relationship started to change. His teenage daughter secretly got on FB and had said things that got her reported to her school. MM's wife made him get on FB and become her FB friend so he could supervise what she was saying. That's where things changed. All of a sudden he stopped calling very often and didn't want to see me as often. I got suspicious and when I did an online search, I saw that he had created a second FB page that his wife must not have known about. I didn't know about it either. He had lots of beautiful women on there that he did business with and went to high school and college with. He said/did some other things that made me believe he was putting his toes in the water with other women. I broke it off with him. After 6 weeks of NC, he came back begging and said it was all in my head, etc, etc. Well, on Monday, his wife dialed into his email while she knew he was on his lunch break. She saw and email exchange between us. I happened to be complaining about something work-related and it was completely platonic. I never said i love you or even hinted in my email that we were more than friends. He on the other hand was telling me how much he loved me, yada yada. She saw it, and he left work abruptly. A few hours later, he left a message on my cell from his work phone not to email anything that says anything more than friendship. The next morning, I got an email from the wife. She said that she and MM were up all night discussing our affair and that he had been having sex with other women as well. Then she said, 'you didn't think you were the only one, did you?'. Then told me to get re-checked for STDs. I wasn't shocked at the part about the other women since it just confirmed my suspicions, but it didn't hurt any less. Basically, she told me to not contact MM or she would show up on my doorstep with MM and discuss the situation with my family. I actually think she was being kind considering the many possible scenarios.

 

Anyway, I want this to be done in my heart. Why in the world am I sad and missing this stupid jerk? That's not normal, and I'm completely mad at myself for hindering my healing by even feeling sad. What is wrong with me?

[Owl]

Have you considered using this 'situation' as an opportunity to tell your H about the affair, and either end the unsatisfactory marriage or renew it into one that you'll be fulfilled in?

 

Working to rescue your marriage will absolutely take a lot of your attention and focus off of MM and back into your marriage/family/husband.

[BruisedHeart]

Yes, I have considered telling him. I'm afraid though. I don't want to hurt my kids. I grew up in a single-parent home, then my mom remarried an physically abusive man. I don't want my kids to have a stepmom that may not be nice to them. I also love my husband and don't want to see the hurt on his face. We do need marriage counseling. We only have sex once or twice a year. I gained weight after having our children and ever since then, he doesn't want to be with me. I'm still attractive and take very good care of my appearance. I think that because I'm not 120lbs anymore, he's not interested. A few months ago when we had sex, he just couldn't get excited and then he said that he was going to have to pretend he was with someone else in order to finish. I think he thought that it would motivate me to get back down to 120lbs. MM was absolutely crazy for me. Feelings can't lie. The way he made love to me was the way my husband did when we met when I was a teenager. I know that MM loved me and thought I was the most beautiful thing in the world. It wasn't just his words, it was his actions. They didn't lie. I don't know what to do. I've accepted that me and hubby just won't be intimate the rest of our lives. I'm only 41, but this has been going on since my late 20's. I am serious when I say that. It seems hopeless and I feel stuck.

[BB07]

Along the way, I've learned that my MM had a porn addiction.

 

Yuck.........and that makes him a prize??

 

The last year of our relationship started to change. His teenage daughter secretly got on FB and had said things that got her reported to her school. MM's wife made him get on FB and become her FB friend so he could supervise what she was saying. That's where things changed. All of a sudden he stopped calling very often and didn't want to see me as often. I got suspicious and when I did an online search, I saw that he had created a second FB page that his wife must not have known about. I didn't know about it either. He had lots of beautiful women on there that he did business with and went to high school and college with. He said/did some other things that made me believe he was putting his toes in the water with other women. I broke it off with him. After 6 weeks of NC, he came back begging and said it was all in my head, etc, etc. Well, on Monday, his wife dialed into his email while she knew he was on his lunch break. She saw and email exchange between us. I happened to be complaining about something work-related and it was completely platonic. I never said i love you or even hinted in my email that we were more than friends. He on the other hand was telling me how much he loved me, yada yada. She saw it, and he left work abruptly. A few hours later, he left a message on my cell from his work phone not to email anything that says anything more than friendship. The next morning, I got an email from the wife. She said that she and MM were up all night discussing our affair and that he had been having sex with other women as well. Then she said, 'you didn't think you were the only one, did you?'. Then told me to get re-checked for STDs. I wasn't shocked at the part about the other women since it just confirmed my suspicions, but it didn't hurt any less. Basically, she told me to not contact MM or she would show up on my doorstep with MM and discuss the situation with my family. I actually think she was being kind considering the many possible scenarios.

 

So do you believe the wife and that mm has been with other women? Sounds to me like this man has a porn addiction coupled with sex addiction and/or serial cheating.

 

Yes I would say the bw is being kind. If I were you I'd add it my list of big reasons to stay away from mm. He really doesn't sound like a prize. Read your post from an outsiders view and isn't it likely that you've be saying..........geez what does she see in him.

Anyway, I want this to be done in my heart. Why in the world am I sad and missing this stupid jerk? That's not normal, and I'm completely mad at myself for hindering my healing by even feeling sad. What is wrong with me?

 

It's OK to feel sad, grieve it and move on........then you need to address the issues that got you into an affair with what sounds like a deeply troubled man. If your marriage is unhappy then either fix it or leave it. Then if you want, find a decent man, one who is not attached and doesn't have "addictions". You deserve better than that, don't you?

[Owl]

It's OK to feel sad, grieve it and move on........then you need to address the issues that got you into an affair with what sounds like a deeply troubled man. If your marriage is unhappy then either fix it or leave it. Then if you want, find a decent man, one who is not attached and doesn't have "addictions". You deserve better than that, don't you?

 

Agree with this, 100%!

[jennie-jennie]

Yes, I have considered telling him. I'm afraid though. I don't want to hurt my kids. I grew up in a single-parent home, then my mom remarried an physically abusive man. I don't want my kids to have a stepmom that may not be nice to them. I also love my husband and don't want to see the hurt on his face. We do need marriage counseling. We only have sex once or twice a year. I gained weight after having our children and ever since then, he doesn't want to be with me. I'm still attractive and take very good care of my appearance. I think that because I'm not 120lbs anymore, he's not interested. A few months ago when we had sex, he just couldn't get excited and then he said that he was going to have to pretend he was with someone else in order to finish. I think he thought that it would motivate me to get back down to 120lbs. MM was absolutely crazy for me. Feelings can't lie. The way he made love to me was the way my husband did when we met when I was a teenager. I know that MM loved me and thought I was the most beautiful thing in the world. It wasn't just his words, it was his actions. They didn't lie. I don't know what to do. I've accepted that me and hubby just won't be intimate the rest of our lives. I'm only 41, but this has been going on since my late 20's. I am serious when I say that. It seems hopeless and I feel stuck.

 

This is awful! Totally emotionally abusive! You need to get a divorce.

 

I too have had a relationship with a man who denied me sex. It does a real number on your self esteem. There are other men out there who will know to appreciate you. You are way too young to consider not having a sex life for the rest of your life.

 

(((BruisedHeart)))

[BruisedHeart]

This is awful! Totally emotionally abusive! You need to get a divorce.

 

I too have had a relationship with a man who denied me sex. It does a real number on your self esteem. There are other men out there who will know to appreciate you. You are way too young to consider not having a sex life for the rest of your life.

 

(((BruisedHeart)))

 

 

This is why I feel stuck. MM gave me more physical love and adoration than I've had in my whole life. I see him as a good man who struggles with his own demons. Sometimes I take it personally, but other times I understand that it is something within him and probably has nothing to do with his love for me. He has told me in the past that the porn addiction even interfered with his work at the office because he would surf porn there too.

 

As dumb as it may sound, I still loved my hubby even though I fell in love with another man. MM filled the void that hubby wasn't filling. I know that the affair was because of me and what I needed to make me feel whole. Hubby is just a plain good guy and wonderful father. We've been through a lot together in life. We met in the military and served together during war. He cheated on me twice when we dated, but I married him anyway. I got married when I was 20. I don't think he's cheated on me since we've been married, but there have been times of suspicion, but maybe that's just because I have a hard time believing that a handsome man in his forties is perfectly fine with only having sex once or twice a year. We didn't have sex on our 20th or 21st wedding anniversaries, or on either of our birthdays. It makes me sad. It also makes me feel selfish that the lack of emotional connection and intimacy is the reason I allowed myself to be intimate with another man. It seems like a selfish reason, but I can honestly say that MM brought back my self esteem and self confidence. Until recently of course when I knew in my heart that he was seeing other women. It wouldn't do me any good to leave my husband for another man. I don't believe that any one man can meet all my needs for the rest of my life, so why bother looking for someone new. I like my life at home right now. It's just the lack of emotional and physical connection with my husband that is missing. We have great talks and laugh together. I enjoy his company. I don't know what to think about my life any more. I only know that I'm missing MM, even after all that he's done to me. Ridiculous, but true.

[BruisedHeart]

Btw, his wife isn't into the porn/swinging/threesome thing. She is very religious and frowns on anything but the missionary position and she doesn't like to give or receive oral sex, eventhough MM has asked her. She withholds sex when she wants to punish him, which is another reason he turned to porn. She doesn't show her emotions. According to MM, she is like an ice queen and is verbally abusive to their teenage daughter. The daughter has Aspergers. The wife holds inner anger at MM because they had to do in-vitro for her to get pregnant and they couldn't get pregnant again a second time, even with in-vitro. She told MM that he wasn't a whole man because of it. She's also angry that their daughter has the Aspergers and has social and anger issues. She's the prideful type that wants everyone to think their family is the perfect suburban family, but behind closed doors, she resents MM and their daughter. It's a sad situation there too. Every person has their own issues and stories at home though. It's no excuse for an affair, but it is part of the reason for it.

[jennie-jennie]

It seems like you have a clear perception of what is going on in both your own home and your MM's. Life is not easy for any of us. There are always issues we have to deal with and ways we try do it.

 

Your MM obviously did fill a void in your life. I guess now you will have to see if you can live without that void filled. (Although many times the MM come back sooner or later after Dday.)

 

There are posters on the Marriage and Life Partnership forum here on LS who deal with having a partner who rarely wants sex. Perhaps you could find some support there, although I can't help but feel that the comment your husband made about needing to pretend you were someone else would just be the limit for me.

[lkjh]

time to tell your husband what has been going on

[whichwayisup]

You owe your husband the truth. Better for you to come clean now before MM's wife has a change of heart and decides to fill him in.

 

About your kids, not wanting to hurt them, well, you put yourself in that situation, the potiental to hurt them, as well as your husband..Wish you had thought of them before having the affair. Sorry to be harsh but so many use the kids line so they won't have to face any consquences or deal with any kind of fallout after choosing to have an affair.

 

Do not contact MM or his wife. That is over and done with, best to focus on yourself, get some therapy and work with your husband to fix the marriage.

[blinded_27]

This is why I feel stuck. MM gave me more physical love and adoration than I've had in my whole life. I see him as a good man who struggles with his own demons. Sometimes I take it personally, but other times I understand that it is something within him and probably has nothing to do with his love for me.

 

aww That is really sad....

 

I know how that feels... this is the reason I got so attached to my xMM. I was dating a guy for 6 years and we split up last spring because we had no physical connection anymore. We loved each other very much but there was just no passion. We kept the relationship going like this for 3 years, and I finally mustered up the courage to walk away from him. We remain friends to this day, but I moved to a new city where I met xMM... who made me feel like a goddess, and gave me more love and attention than my ex boyfriend ever did.

 

So I understand it's hard to let go of someone that makes you feel so good about yourself, and I also understand how hard it is to let go of someone you love so much, but makes you feel so low on yourself....

 

You and your husband should really try some counseling...at least give it a shot... if it doesn't work, it doesn't work. And there are plenty of other men out there who will be able to give you the same kind of love and affection your MM was able to give you.

 

Feel better *hug*

Edited November 18, 2010 by blinded_27

[BB07]

Btw, his wife isn't into the porn/swinging/threesome thing. She is very religious and frowns on anything but the missionary position and she doesn't like to give or receive oral sex, eventhough MM has asked her. She withholds sex when she wants to punish him, which is another reason he turned to porn. She doesn't show her emotions. According to MM, she is like an ice queen and is verbally abusive to their teenage daughter. The daughter has Aspergers. The wife holds inner anger at MM because they had to do in-vitro for her to get pregnant and they couldn't get pregnant again a second time, even with in-vitro. She told MM that he wasn't a whole man because of it. She's also angry that their daughter has the Aspergers and has social and anger issues. She's the prideful type that wants everyone to think their family is the perfect suburban family, but behind closed doors, she resents MM and their daughter. It's a sad situation there too. Every person has their own issues and stories at home though. It's no excuse for an affair, but it is part of the reason for it.

 

 

You need to keep in mind that was mm tells you about his wife and his marriage might not be the way it really is. They often times exaggerate or outright lie in order to justify the affair to themselves and you.

It sure as hell wasn't the way it really was with my xmm and I got that from the wife herself and I'm not the only OW who has found out that there was little of any truth in what he told me. Spend some time reading the threads here, it's a rude awakening. Add to the mix that your mm is an addict so the chance of a lot of lies are highly likely. It's a learned response with addicts, a way to cope and cover up.

[fooled once]

It's OK to feel sad, grieve it and move on........then you need to address the issues that got you into an affair with what sounds like a deeply troubled man. If your marriage is unhappy then either fix it or leave it. Then if you want, find a decent man, one who is not attached and doesn't have "addictions". You deserve better than that, don't you?

 

Agree

 

This is why I feel stuck. MM gave me more physical love and adoration than I've had in my whole life. I see him as a good man who struggles with his own demons. Sometimes I take it personally, but other times I understand that it is something within him and probably has nothing to do with his love for me. He has told me in the past that the porn addiction even interfered with his work at the office because he would surf porn there too.

 

As dumb as it may sound, I still loved my hubby even though I fell in love with another man. MM filled the void that hubby wasn't filling. I know that the affair was because of me and what I needed to make me feel whole. Hubby is just a plain good guy and wonderful father. We've been through a lot together in life. We met in the military and served together during war. He cheated on me twice when we dated, but I married him anyway. I got married when I was 20. I don't think he's cheated on me since we've been married, but there have been times of suspicion, but maybe that's just because I have a hard time believing that a handsome man in his forties is perfectly fine with only having sex once or twice a year. We didn't have sex on our 20th or 21st wedding anniversaries, or on either of our birthdays. It makes me sad. It also makes me feel selfish that the lack of emotional connection and intimacy is the reason I allowed myself to be intimate with another man. It seems like a selfish reason, but I can honestly say that MM brought back my self esteem and self confidence. Until recently of course when I knew in my heart that he was seeing other women. It wouldn't do me any good to leave my husband for another man. I don't believe that any one man can meet all my needs for the rest of my life, so why bother looking for someone new. I like my life at home right now. It's just the lack of emotional and physical connection with my husband that is missing. We have great talks and laugh together. I enjoy his company. I don't know what to think about my life any more. I only know that I'm missing MM, even after all that he's done to me. Ridiculous, but true.

 

Have you ever asked your H why he doesn't want sex with you? Have you ever wondered if maybe he knew you were screwing around on him and didn't want to get an STD?

 

So because your mother married a less than decent step father, you are willing to forgo giving your husband his freedom because he might marry a woman who isn't as in awe of your kids as you guys are? That is a slap to those of us who ARE step parents. I am a step parent and I can tell you I have never been abusive or cruel to my step kids. Even when they have stolen from me, brought drugs into my house, been kicked out of school and done some pretty nasty things to me (and their father), I have backed away and let things calm down. Today, 12 years later, I am extremely close to my step daughter (who is now an adult) and think of her as the daughter I didn't have to give birth too

 

Your H deserves better. Your cheating on him and betraying him is not how you treat someone you "love" You are comfortable with him. You now know you can easily cheat on him without him knowing. Him not having regular sex with you isn't abusive - or at least it isn't any more abusive than YOU cheating on him with someone else -- and that someone else sleeping around on you opened you up to even MORE STD's.

 

Be very lucky his wife doesn't phone your husband and give him an earful.

 

Maybe your H is having issues in the sex area - physical issues. Did you ever talk to him about that or have you been too busy to really care. I mean, why would you care about the lack of sex with him in the last 4 years ... you have been getting it elsewhere. Would you have been able to continue to have weekly sex with him and the MM? Many men are ashamed to admit they are having issues with their equipment. It can be emasculating to him and if he has known you were cheating, he could possibly think it was because of his equipment issues and that is humiliating to him.

 

 

Btw, his wife isn't into the porn/swinging/threesome thing. She is very religious and frowns on anything but the missionary position and she doesn't like to give or receive oral sex, eventhough MM has asked her. She withholds sex when she wants to punish him, which is another reason he turned to porn. She doesn't show her emotions. According to MM, she is like an ice queen and is verbally abusive to their teenage daughter. The daughter has Aspergers. The wife holds inner anger at MM because they had to do in-vitro for her to get pregnant and they couldn't get pregnant again a second time, even with in-vitro. She told MM that he wasn't a whole man because of it. She's also angry that their daughter has the Aspergers and has social and anger issues. She's the prideful type that wants everyone to think their family is the perfect suburban family, but behind closed doors, she resents MM and their daughter. It's a sad situation there too. Every person has their own issues and stories at home though. It's no excuse for an affair, but it is part of the reason for it.

 

I was going to say exactly what is below....

 

You need to keep in mind that was mm tells you about his wife and his marriage might not be the way it really is. They often times exaggerate or outright lie in order to justify the affair to themselves and you.

It sure as hell wasn't the way it really was with my xmm and I got that from the wife herself and I'm not the only OW who has found out that there was little of any truth in what he told me. Spend some time reading the threads here, it's a rude awakening. Add to the mix that your mm is an addict so the chance of a lot of lies are highly likely. It's a learned response with addicts, a way to cope and cover up.

 

I will never understand why women take what the cheating man says as gospel. Of course it is HIS WIFE's fault that he is a cheating pig. It is HER fault that that he uses porn and other women. If everything is HER fault, why does he stay? Ask yourself that - why does he stay with her. Why should she be okay with threesome's? She married HIM - that doesn't equate to an open marriage or inviting others into their bedroom. I can tell you right now, I am NOT into 3 some's. If that is an excuse for a man to turn to porn or get a mistress, shows the caliber of the man.

 

This guy sounds like quite the jerk. his wife should divorce him and take him for everything. She shouldn't have to police him. She should be able to trust him, but obviously she can't. Can you blame her for feeling as she does? Look at you - your thread is titled "the pain is too intense to bear". Can you image HER pain after finding out all this?

 

If this pain is too intense to bear, then get some counseling and let your husband know that the pain of ending your 4 year long affair with a porn addict guy who is married and has several OW has got you too depressed to function. Get some clarity by separating. Give him the option to choose how to live HIS life. Are you going to tell him he needs to get an STD check up? It is only fair --- he should have all the same information as you do because he did NOTHING to deserve being potentially exposed to a disease.

[carrie999]

Both guys are jerks, and until I kept reading, I never would have thought MM actually sounded better than your husband. Forget about marriage counseling...focus on counseling for yourself. Your self esteem has taken a beating. You probably feel guilty about betraying your husband (deservedly so), which is keeping you from feeling the anger you deserved to feel about his behavior and treatment of you.

 

Focus on you, and your kids. Move past these two men, and know that when you're ready, you will find a man who treats you well. The first priority is getting to a healthier place.

[BB07]

I wanted to say that I sounded harsh in my earlier reply (your mm likely lying to you).

It's hard to hear that an it sound harsh and it takes some time to wrap your head around just the possibility, but do look at it as a highly likely probability.

 

I was shocked to find out my xmm lied about just about EVERYTHING, being separated and so many things I don't have time to write a short list down. This was a man who I never dreamed would do such a thing, but in hindsight........I should have known better.

[Carrot2000]

Both guys are jerks, and until I kept reading, I never would have thought MM actually sounded better than your husband. Forget about marriage counseling...focus on counseling for yourself. Your self esteem has taken a beating. You probably feel guilty about betraying your husband (deservedly so), which is keeping you from feeling the anger you deserved to feel about his behavior and treatment of you.

 

Focus on you, and your kids. Move past these two men, and know that when you're ready, you will find a man who treats you well. The first priority is getting to a healthier place.

 

 

I totally agree.