northern_sky Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 I don't expect to garner much empathy from most of the people on this board given how unsupportive and harsh posts have been recently, but it hurts that he didn't tell me. I now know for certain he is moving in a few weeks (not from him). Really, if you feel the need to drop a snarky comment, I ask that you have exercise some self restraint and respect my feelings. I do think it's insensitive for him not to tell me despite that our relationship isn't serious. Despite what people on this board say, I believe that our physical connection wasn't at the forefront of why he wanted to be around me. He simply enjoyed my company. He never pushed the physical stuff (if anything I did a lot more), and was often happy to refrain from it. We have long, intense conversations, and share the same taste and interests. He's told me that he really values my opinions. He's volunteered to help me with my artistic projects, and has given me a lot of advice when we're not together. He's also invited me many times to do things spontaneously in a group with him and his friends. My point is while I'm not his girlfriend, I'm also not a booty call. I am his friend (and he has told me he considers me his several times). I think given all that, given the number of relationship defining talks we had, and given that he knows I have feelings for him, it's insensitive for him not to let me know that he's moving in a few weeks. I'm not demonizing him as some people on this board have suggested. I actually think he's a good guy. If I didn't -- if I thought he was just using me or didn't value me for more than physical -- I wouldn't have continued to see him. I'm just hurt and surprised that he never told me when he has had ample opportunity to (he was at my house two nights ago). And yet I see him telling some acquaintance on facebook. Btw, there's no doubt left about it. He explicitly told this person he was moving in a few weeks. I'm not going to ask him. I'll wait for him to tell me, but I wouldn't be surprised if he waits till the very last minute -- like a few days before, and says, "yeah, btw, I'm moving on Monday."
Author northern_sky Posted November 18, 2010 Author Posted November 18, 2010 What's more is instead of telling me directly, he writes it on his facebook wall in response to a comment an acquaintance makes. Not so that it's a status update that I would definitely see, but something he knows I might see. It's like he didn't have the balls to tell me directly. I don't know what the term would be for this since it's not passive aggression, but it's a similar avoidance of confrontation. passive expression? Eh, I might have been wrong about him being decent. Not that I think he's "bad," but this seems rather selfish. I think he avoided telling me when I asked where this was going, because he wanted to continue seeing me and knew it would be totally over if he told me.
GooseChaser Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 I assume he is moving far away? Just because he is moving doesn't mean that he doesn't see the relationship as serious, though. Maybe that would be a good thing to talk to him about, though. Ignoring for a moment that he hasn't told you (you already know), if he was interested in pursuing a long-distance relationship with you, would you consider it?
OceanGirl Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 I read your last 2 threads and I think people are being way harsh. Just because you two don't have a conventionally defined relationship - it doesn't absolve him from acting with any decency towards you. I definitely do think that he should have told you. Given what I know about him and having read some e-mails that you have shared, this doesn't seem to line up with who he is. I always thought that he seems like one of the good guys and was being sincere in everything he says. So yeah, this is definitely weird. It even makes me wonder if it's 100% true. Like, is he moving there long term or just going for a specific, short term? Does he plan to travel back and forth and still spend some consistent time in your city? Seriously, given the amount of torment this is causing you, I would just ask him. Not in an accusatory way, just matter of fact - say that you saw some comments on FB and ask him when he is moving to NYC. No matter what people here tell you, given what I know about your relationship, it's definitely not unreasonable of you to ask him this.
Author northern_sky Posted November 18, 2010 Author Posted November 18, 2010 I assume he is moving far away? Just because he is moving doesn't mean that he doesn't see the relationship as serious, though. Maybe that would be a good thing to talk to him about, though. Ignoring for a moment that he hasn't told you (you already know), if he was interested in pursuing a long-distance relationship with you, would you consider it? Yeah, I should have included some back story (I assumed most people had been following my threads). He has told me that right now he doesn't want a serious relationship with anyone (he just got burned from the end of a relationship), although he sees the potential for something more serious between us down the line. So we are only "dating" in a casual relationship at the moment. He is moving to NY which is three hours away from where I now live. I plan on moving to NY over the summer, or maybe a bit sooner. Given that we're not serious now, I doubt he'd want a long distance thing with me when he moves, which means we are probably over. I wish he had just let me know awhile back when we had our relationship discussion. At that point I agreed to keep seeing him casually (because I enjoy his company and wanted to leave the door a crack open), but I probably would have cut things off entirely had I known he'd be moving so soon.
OceanGirl Posted November 19, 2010 Posted November 19, 2010 Bump Does anyone else feel that she should just ask him?
Citizen Erased Posted November 19, 2010 Posted November 19, 2010 If it were me I'd stop contacting him. But I agree with OG, just bring it up that you saw him mention it to someone else. Cut out the angsty waiting game and cut to the chase.
D-Lish Posted November 19, 2010 Posted November 19, 2010 I'd flat out ask him. It's obviously not a secret if he's posted it on his wall on facebook! He has to know you are going to see that!
Star Gazer Posted November 19, 2010 Posted November 19, 2010 Does anyone else feel that she should just ask him? Of course she should. If they really are friends, it should be discussed.
Alma Mobley Posted November 19, 2010 Posted November 19, 2010 If he were truly just one of her friends, he would have told her by now. I don't think it matters in the long run whether she chooses to ask him or waits for him to tell her.
CLS63AMG Posted November 19, 2010 Posted November 19, 2010 I don't expect to garner much empathy from most of the people on this board given how unsupportive and harsh posts have been recently, but it hurts that he didn't tell me. I now know for certain he is moving in a few weeks (not from him). Really, if you feel the need to drop a snarky comment, I ask that you have exercise some self restraint and respect my feelings. I do think it's insensitive for him not to tell me despite that our relationship isn't serious. Despite what people on this board say, I believe that our physical connection wasn't at the forefront of why he wanted to be around me. He simply enjoyed my company. He never pushed the physical stuff (if anything I did a lot more), and was often happy to refrain from it. We have long, intense conversations, and share the same taste and interests. He's told me that he really values my opinions. He's volunteered to help me with my artistic projects, and has given me a lot of advice when we're not together. He's also invited me many times to do things spontaneously in a group with him and his friends. My point is while I'm not his girlfriend, I'm also not a booty call. I am his friend (and he has told me he considers me his several times). I think given all that, given the number of relationship defining talks we had, and given that he knows I have feelings for him, it's insensitive for him not to let me know that he's moving in a few weeks. I'm not demonizing him as some people on this board have suggested. I actually think he's a good guy. If I didn't -- if I thought he was just using me or didn't value me for more than physical -- I wouldn't have continued to see him. I'm just hurt and surprised that he never told me when he has had ample opportunity to (he was at my house two nights ago). And yet I see him telling some acquaintance on facebook. Btw, there's no doubt left about it. He explicitly told this person he was moving in a few weeks. I'm not going to ask him. I'll wait for him to tell me, but I wouldn't be surprised if he waits till the very last minute -- like a few days before, and says, "yeah, btw, I'm moving on Monday." What if he's just moving across town?
xpaperxcutx Posted November 19, 2010 Posted November 19, 2010 To be honest, I'm more worried about how you feel after you confront him.
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 19, 2010 Posted November 19, 2010 Shadow, I am not snarky or "against" you. I just think that ALL OF US need to look at ourselves in ALL the situations where we find ourselves, especially if we'd like to avoid similar ones going forward. I never intend to defend any guy (or girl, for that matter) who has done something that hurts one who cares about them, but I will consistently try to encourage a person to look at themselves and all the stuff they did to get into the place where they are now. That's why I almost never buy into the "he's a douche" stuff, even though that might be what's perceived as "supportive." I think that is enabling. Sure, a real friend would share with another friend that he or she is moving. This guy did not. If you are real friends, I would think the normal thing to do would be to call him and say "you are moving?!?!? why didn't you tell me? Bad friend!" And if he really IS a bad friend - unfriend him. I mean IRL, not just on fb.
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 19, 2010 Posted November 19, 2010 Do you think he may be avoiding telling you BECAUSE he knows you have "feelings" and he might be afraid of your reaction? Not to defend avoidant behavior on his part, but it could be uncomfortable for him.
tigressA Posted November 19, 2010 Posted November 19, 2010 Do you think he may be avoiding telling you BECAUSE he knows you have "feelings" and he might be afraid of your reaction? Not to defend avoidant behavior on his part, but it could be uncomfortable for him. This is what I'm thinking. It does seem likely.
alexlakeman Posted November 19, 2010 Posted November 19, 2010 Sorry to hear that, just have to deal with it. Just confront him, what d h.ll, u're not going to loose any more than what ur loosing already. Gd luck
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