The Break Is Coming Back Around.

[Gwendolyn]

I had known my husband for around four years online before we suddenly had feelings and I up and moved down to South Carolina from Indiana when I was 20 to be with him. I didn't tell my parents, I just moved. I realize how foolish this was now but I was 20 and at the time, an alcoholic. Regardless of that, this man was wonderful. He's one of those dependable guys, a hard worker and literally did everything for me. He rented us a home at first, then bought one two years later. Three years into the relationship, we decided to marry. A year after our marriage, I had many medical issues that, even though I don't see how, could have contributed to my displeasure in the relationship. A little over after a year of being married, I told him I was unhappy and moved back home.

 

 

Shortly after this, I met someone else online. He lives in England (ha!). A few months after leaving my husband, I began to 'date' the other guy. It's been two years now and we have met 4-5 times for at least a month each time. This new guy wants to marry me, he is completely head over heels for me. He wants me to move to England with him. All of this has been something I haven't wanted to do since the last time I took a leap like that, it ended in disaster.

 

Now here's the kicker. Recently, my husband finally added me to facebook. We had been sticking to e-mail over the past two years and only when something needed to be discussed. I completely destroyed him, I know that. Now he is an alcoholic, he lost the house due to this problem a year ago and I know he's not happy. He's talking about moving to LA to run away from all of his problems. I know it's only been about a week since he added me, but we have been talking like normal people do. There has been no business, no bickering and I find myself thinking about him a lot and what I left behind. I'm wary of how to approach this because I'm scared of hurting the new guy. He has made plans to come back in the next couple of months and I feel like I owe that to him. Neither know of what I'm going through.

 

There are a few reasons why I left my husband and all of them were selfish. I was young, felt trapped, felt like I hadn't lived my life and was already stuck in a marriage routine. I was going crazy. I've told everyone, and meant it, that if we would have happened just a few years later that it really would have worked, I know it. But I've shattered his heart. I don't deserve either of these guys because I'm extremely spontaneous when it comes to matters of the heart. Having the "So long as I'm happy, screw everyone else" mentality. I'm an extremely prideful person and find that hard to drop no matter how much I know I should.

 

I want to tell my husband all the petty reasons why I left him. I've already hinted to him that my love is permanent for him, although I don't know if that was the right move. It felt right. He probably didn't get it, he's one of those guys afterall. I know I need to wait around and see if these feelings go and the old ones come back for the guy in England. But what if I miss my chance? My husband tells me almost every time he messaged me before, and his first message on facebook that 'Regardless of what you think of me, I still think about you all the time'. I'm not even sure what question I want to ask, what advice I want. I'm torn between what I still feel for my husband after two years of separation (no, we haven't divorced... he's asked but I keep putting it off) and the guilt I'm going to have with the guy in England if I bring this up, if I end it with him and regret it later. What would you do?

 

I'm a psychological mess, always have been. I would be a shrinks dream. Perhaps I need to see one. ^.^

[wicar1]

For two years you are seperated. You are dating a new guy, almost gone far enough to marry him. So if your husband is asking for a divorce why dont you give him?? I think you are being selfish. Why dont you let him go? You are playing with the lives of two guys here.

 

First you need to know what you really want, before you take any major decisions and risks. Otherwise your gonna ruin your life and the lives of others who love you. It's not fair on both the guys.

 

I think first you should leave both of them. Try to solve your personality problems and then start dating.

 

but why do I see this post in the infidelity section??

[Gwendolyn]

For two years you are seperated. You are dating a new guy, almost gone far enough to marry him. So if your husband is asking for a divorce why dont you give him?? I think you are being selfish. Why dont you let him go? You are playing with the lives of two guys here.

 

First you need to know what you really want, before you take any major decisions and risks. Otherwise your gonna ruin your life and the lives of others who love you. It's not fair on both the guys.

 

I think first you should leave both of them. Try to solve your personality problems and then start dating.

 

but why do I see this post in the infidelity section??

 

No, no. I don't want to re-marry. He knows this. My husband only asked me if I was ready to go through with a divorce and I was honest with him. No, I don't have the money to pay for a lawyer. He wasn't pushing it and still isn't. Neither of us are. I don't believe either of us are ready for the rest of the leap to end it.

 

I'm willing to take all of this slow. It's been nearly six months since I've seen the boyfriend and he's coming in a month or so. All of these mixed feelings could quite possibly be because of the separation.

 

You see this in the infidelity section because, technically, I'm having an affair on my husband, love.

[wicar1]

No, no. I don't want to re-marry. He knows this. My husband only asked me if I was ready to go through with a divorce and I was honest with him. No, I don't have the money to pay for a lawyer. He wasn't pushing it and still isn't. Neither of us are. I don't believe either of us are ready for the rest of the leap to end it.

 

I'm willing to take all of this slow. It's been nearly six months since I've seen the boyfriend and he's coming in a month or so. All of these mixed feelings could quite possibly be because of the separation.

 

You see this in the infidelity section because, technically, I'm having an affair on my husband, love.

 

lol.. I get it. Does your husband know you have a bf?

[Gwendolyn]

lol.. I get it. Does your husband know you have a bf?

 

Although I've never told him, I'm sure it's obvious. Especially with the huge "In a relationship with..." plastered on my FB page.

[Darth Vader]

Although I've never told him, I'm sure it's obvious. Especially with the huge "In a relationship with..." plastered on my FB page.

 

 

Why don't you spill it to your husband, and stop stringing hubby along, keeping him on the back burner in case this OM doesn't work out. Let your hubby go to live his own life. Obviously you've hurt him enough, don't drag him through the mud.

[wicar1]

Although I've never told him, I'm sure it's obvious. Especially with the huge "In a relationship with..." plastered on my FB page.

 

You need to keep your self away from both guys and need to think what you really want. You will cause pain to your partners if you just go here and there. You will lose respect and would eventually become a cheater.

 

You better find counseling or should try talking to your family abput this. I am sure it would help you.

 

Good luck

[Gwendolyn]

My family has always been the reason I'm in the emotional state I'm always in, lol! I doubt talking to them about it will help.

 

 

However, in the past hour I have decided to seek help. Although I can't afford it, I'm sure there are options available to me. I've told my England boyfriend this and explained the reasons, although I left out the husband situation because I don't feel the need to bring it up right now. He agrees that we are a couple in name only right now, I've been spiraling downward for a while now... almost a year. I'm thinking that the husband just happened to re-enter my life at the worst possible moment, throwing me into a 'whatif' stage of mind, thinking that things might be better with him than they are now. I will be contacting my insurance provider tomorrow to see if they cover these sorts of things and if not, I'll find someplace that does 'stale payment' where they'll charge me what I can afford. England guy and I both agree that we need to work on us, so that's what I'm going to focus on right now.

 

The husband is in all means dropped except for the legally binding papers. He has had others and so have I. I think that once I get through this with help, I'll feel better about everything and be ready to go to the next step.

[Gwendolyn]

Why don't you spill it to your husband, and stop stringing hubby along, keeping him on the back burner in case this OM doesn't work out. Let your hubby go to live his own life. Obviously you've hurt him enough, don't drag him through the mud.

 

I don't think I'm stringing him along. I went to get my things in SC last December and haven't talked to him since until the other day when he added me to FB and sent *me* a message. If I were him, I'd get the point. He has too much going on in his own life right now and I don't really think bringing one more thing in like the divorce will help him. I will do it in due time, but we both need to work things out about ourselves first.

[Owl]

Gwen, in your original post you said "I'm torn between what I still feel for my husband after two years of separation (no, we haven't divorced... he's asked but I keep putting it off) and the guilt I'm going to have with the guy in England if I bring this up, if I end it with him and regret it later."

 

What is it that you DO feel for your husband?

 

Do you still feel "married"? Do you still consider yourself "in a relationship" with your H?

 

Or do you feel that you're already divorced, you just don't have the paperwork in hand?

 

Personally, I don't know how you'd START a real, full-blown relationship with the guy from England without resolving the marriage issue first.

 

Does your guy in England know about your H, and your current marital status?

 

Why not clear the air with both men, make sure that they're both very much aware of your current status, intentions, etc...? And THEN see where you decide to go from here?

[East7]

Often, women who get marry young (around 20-22)like you, haven't have enough relationship to built an emotional maturity. Most of the people need "to live their life" until they feel ready to settle definitely and marry with someone (around 27-30).

 

It seems like marriage was a way for you to escape your family rather than a real desire to commit with someone. What you bring first about your ex-Husband is that he is "dependable", probably because you were searching for a provider (to rely on) rather than pure love towards him and his personality. It sounds like he has loved you more than you have loved him back.

 

Now you are torn because you work according to emotional swings, you may feel intense feelings for someone, you "follow your heart" but you have not enough vision to judge a relationship in the long run.

 

You say :I find myself thinking about him (H) a lot and what I left behind. I'm wary of how to approach this because I'm scared of hurting the new guy. He has made plans to come back in the next couple of months and I feel like I owe that to him. Neither know of what I'm going through.

 

Your nostalgia for your husband is related to your need for security and comfort not because you love him deeply and you realize it now. If you go back to him, ask yourself if you are ready to accept the "boring part" of a marriage", If not, don't give him false hopes. If you go back, probably nothing will change than what it was before.

 

Whether you feel torn or not, keep in mind that you have no right to play with peoples life, you have to decide and stick with it.

 

I don't think going back to your husband will make you happy, feeling secure yes, happy not. On the other hand you don't know much about the new guy, what when the routine will be with him ?

 

So my suggestion would be either build a R with the new guy and take it SLOWLY, no marriage and strong commitments, OR leave them both and enjoy your life, meet new people until you FEEL THE NEED to settle with someone when you feel confident with yourself and secure with him.

Edited November 18, 2010 by East7

[Gwendolyn]

Gwen, in your original post you said "I'm torn between what I still feel for my husband after two years of separation (no, we haven't divorced... he's asked but I keep putting it off) and the guilt I'm going to have with the guy in England if I bring this up, if I end it with him and regret it later."

 

What is it that you DO feel for your husband?

 

Do you still feel "married"? Do you still consider yourself "in a relationship" with your H?

 

Or do you feel that you're already divorced, you just don't have the paperwork in hand?

 

Personally, I don't know how you'd START a real, full-blown relationship with the guy from England without resolving the marriage issue first.

 

Does your guy in England know about your H, and your current marital status?

 

Why not clear the air with both men, make sure that they're both very much aware of your current status, intentions, etc...? And THEN see where you decide to go from here?

 

I don't feel married or in a love type of relationship with him, no. The only thing that binds us in marriage is the paperwork alone. I hated him so much when I left and for a long time afterwards, but now I do believe that comes from my young age (24 at the time) and feeling of being trapped. - And yes, England guy knows everything except for the most recent events.

 

Although I think clearing the air would make *me* feel better, if I'm wrong, I don't want to give the H false hopes if he still loves me and it turns out that I'm just crazy again. Which is why I will be seeking professional help to deal with my emotions tomorrow. The boyfriend in England knows that I'm off and everything else, I was honest with him earlier. I just failed to mention the newly arriving feelings towards my Ex H returning. >.>

 

Do you think it would be better to end it with the boyfriend from England and try to avoid both of them as much as possible until I see a counselor? Or should I stick it out with the boyfriend in England while getting this help. We both agreed that we are only a couple in name alone and agreed that when he comes here next month, that we need to work it or leave it. I reckon he deserves to know face to face rather than on the phone or computer.

[Gwendolyn]

Often, women who get marry young (around 20-22)like you, haven't have enough relationship to built an emotional maturity. Most of the people need "to live their life" until they feel ready to settle definitely and marry with someone (around 27-30).

 

It seems like marriage was a way for you to escape your family rather than a real desire to commit with someone. What you bring first about your ex-Husband is that he is "dependable", probably because you were searching for a provider (to rely on) rather than pure love towards him and his personality. It sounds like he has loved you more than you have loved him back.

 

Now you are torn because you work according to emotional swings, you may feel intense feelings for someone, you "follow your heart" but you have not enough vision to judge a relationship in the long run.

 

You say :I find myself thinking about him (H) a lot and what I left behind. I'm wary of how to approach this because I'm scared of hurting the new guy. He has made plans to come back in the next couple of months and I feel like I owe that to him. Neither know of what I'm going through.

 

Your nostalgia for your husband is related to your need for security and comfort not because you love him deeply and you realize it now. If you go back to him, ask yourself if you are ready to accept the "boring part" of a marriage", If not, don't give him false hopes. If you go back, probably nothing will change than what it was before.

 

Whether you feel torn or not, keep in mind that you have no right to play with peoples life, you have to decide and stick with it.

 

I don't think going back to your husband will make you happy, feeling secure yes, happy not. On the other hand you don't know much about the new guy, what when the routine will be with him ?

 

So my suggestion would be either build a R with the new guy and take it SLOWLY, no marriage and strong commitments, OR leave them both and enjoy your life, meet new people until you FEEL THE NEED to settle with someone when you feel confident with yourself and secure with him.

 

 

Oh, yes. I knew I was escaping my family the moment I moved to SC to be with him, and it worked wonderfully. I stopped drinking and became a (almost) responsible adult. To see the kind of connection he has with his own family was awful for me, I didn't realize that until recently as well. I hated seeing how they interacted. Once I got the notion that they weren't pleased with me (kicked the H out before I left) I fled from them as well. Now I'm back living with my mother and it's been hell for two years. All of this could be returning because I'm starting to get that flighty notion once more.

 

I feel better now that I have decided to seek professional help, I don't feel that urge to speak to the H and tell him all of my uncertainties and I don't feel the need to hide them from the new boyfriend, I have already told him everything except the part about the H because I don't know if that is something I can do. He understands and is willing to work with me, even going to pay some of the bills for me if it happens that my insurance doesn't cover it. I don't want to hurt him, but I don't think being with anyone until my own issues are resolved is a good idea...?

[Windsurf66]

"I've already hinted to him that my love is permanent for him"

 

No Gwen, you DO NOT love your husband, and neither do you love your new bf from England. From all your post, I can only see that you love only 1 person, i.e. YOURSELF

 

The only reason u are here, is again for a selfish reason; you want to find out which offers a better deal for you, your husband or your England bf

 

And you are being completely selfish and unfair to your bf. You have hidden the horrible things you had done to your husband, and denied him the chance to make a decision on whether he wants to marry a person like you.

 

If i know of a person who had married her husband to escape from her family, and after using her husband for a few years, decided that she had enough, and left him, but did not divorce him and kept him in a limbo to prevent him from moving on, and now feels flighty again and looking for a new guy/place to escape to, and currently still trying to decide which deal is better, the old shoe or the new shoe.....seriously, you dun stand a f***king chance with me, will drop you in an instance

[KiloOneOne]

This is one of the sickest twisted post's I have read ina long time.

Gwen your selfish, and self obsessed.

You would do better to become a total s%%t for a year or 2, sow your wild oats then think about a real relationship..

 

What you have done to your H is wrong, and then you couldn't move state without getting itchy feet, so why go dating abroad..

 

Seriously stick to 1 night stands for a while, you might learn to value relationships a bit better.

 

Sorry to be harsh, but you need to smart up a bit and not toy with others lives and cake eating..

Edited November 19, 2010 by KiloOneOne

[Gwendolyn]

This is one of the sickest twisted post's I have read ina long time.

Gwen your selfish, and self obsessed.

You would do better to become a total s%%t for a year or 2, sow your wild oats then think about a real relationship..

 

What you have done to your H is wrong, and then you couldn't move state without getting itchy feet, so why go dating abroad..

 

Seriously stick to 1 night stands for a while, you might learn to value relationships a bit better.

 

Sorry to be harsh, but you need to smart up a bit and not toy with others lives and cake eating..

 

 

And this has to be one of the sickest replies I think I've ever read. I'd do good by not taking your advice. Obviously you didn't read any of the other posts made, so have no real interest in helping in the first place. Stop being so hateful, love. It will get you in the end, not me.

[Gwendolyn]

"I've already hinted to him that my love is permanent for him"

 

No Gwen, you DO NOT love your husband, and neither do you love your new bf from England. From all your post, I can only see that you love only 1 person, i.e. YOURSELF

 

The only reason u are here, is again for a selfish reason; you want to find out which offers a better deal for you, your husband or your England bf

 

And you are being completely selfish and unfair to your bf. You have hidden the horrible things you had done to your husband, and denied him the chance to make a decision on whether he wants to marry a person like you.

 

If i know of a person who had married her husband to escape from her family, and after using her husband for a few years, decided that she had enough, and left him, but did not divorce him and kept him in a limbo to prevent him from moving on, and now feels flighty again and looking for a new guy/place to escape to, and currently still trying to decide which deal is better, the old shoe or the new shoe.....seriously, you dun stand a f***king chance with me, will drop you in an instance

 

Ah, you're wrong. I do love the H. I will always love H. Love has many forms.

 

Same to you as well with my previous post, read some replies. Maybe you'd have a better sense of what's going on before jumping into attack mode.

 

A) I haven't hidden anything from the boyfriend about my past. He knows, he was around when I left.

 

B) I'm not preventing the H from leaving. He knows that all he has to do is use some of that well-earned money of his to pay for the whole thing and it will be completely over. We are completely cut of the marriage status minus the paperwork details. He's moved on... 5 times now? So, no. I'm not keeping him in anything. I haven't even spoken to him in almost a year. If he didn't get that hint and stuck around waiting in the wings, that's his own damn problem.

 

C) I'm guessing that if you actually did read all of my posts, you would be more supportive. Your anger is something that needs to be looked into itself.

[KiloOneOne]

And this has to be one of the sickest replies I think I've ever read. I'd do good by not taking your advice. Obviously you didn't read any of the other posts made, so have no real interest in helping in the first place. Stop being so hateful, love. It will get you in the end, not me.

 

Love, BTW im English

I have no hate for you, I have read your post's and as other have pointed out they are contradictory to say the least.

You are confused, and you ha vent lived enough to settle down. So why not enjoy the single life now, stand on your own 2 feet rather than using people like your H and in your own words (Crushing them) and then when your ready settle down.

 

Its advice, not hate. but it seems you need to clear the mists a little which requires tough choices and often harsh words. I stand by my reply to you and as with all advice, you do what feels best for you.

 

Lets be frank my dear, you cant continue in your current situation, how do you expect to find any happiness?

[Gwendolyn]

Love, BTW im English

I have no hate for you, I have read your post's and as other have pointed out they are contradictory to say the least.

You are confused, and you ha vent lived enough to settle down. So why not enjoy the single life now, stand on your own 2 feet rather than using people like your H and in your own words (Crushing them) and then when your ready settle down.

 

Its advice, not hate. but it seems you need to clear the mists a little which requires tough choices and often harsh words. I stand by my reply to you and as with all advice, you do what feels best for you.

 

Lets be frank my dear, you cant continue in your current situation, how do you expect to find any happiness?

 

I reckon that if you actually did read any of the replies, the fact that I'm now starting to seek counseling and that I'm breaking it off completely with both parties until it is underway would have stuck out, eh?

 

No, you're wrong. Harsh words will get you nowhere as they did with me. On the other hand, this post from you deserved more attention and didn't instantly make me feel sorry for you. People looking for help have made the first, largest step. You need to know when to see it and act accordingly.

[KiloOneOne]

I reckon that if you actually did read any of the replies, the fact that I'm now starting to seek counseling and that I'm breaking it off completely with both parties until it is underway would have stuck out, eh?

 

No, you're wrong. Harsh words will get you nowhere as they did with me. On the other hand, this post from you deserved more attention and didn't instantly make me feel sorry for you. People looking for help have made the first, largest step. You need to know when to see it and act accordingly.

 

Your seeking help I think that's great. I did read that, and I did read that you want to break it off, but this by no means makes it right. You don't need fixing I feel, you need to live and learn to be on your own.

 

Don't pity me you really dont need any more on your plate, however if you ever sort this out ill tell you my issues and you can wake me up to!! Im seroius. By all means wrap up in cotton wool but you cant escape what you have done and the bad choices you have made. You can however learn from them which from your posts at times seems you haven't.

 

Whatever Gwen, I really do wish you well, I have been there myself and I hope you find whatever it is you are looking for.

[Owl]

WHy haven't you proceeded with a divorce, given what you've described of your feelings for your H?

 

I always recommend finishing one relationship completely before starting another.

 

I would agree...take a 'break" with the guy from England...and in the meantime, file for divorce and make that happen.

 

Once you're divorced, explore your options with whomever you wish.

 

I don't see any confusion in your posts, nor need for counseling.

 

You seem to know who you want, and who you don't want.

 

You've just not taken the steps to make that happen.

[Gwendolyn]

Well, I went around looking for some help half the day today and, of course, no one can help me because I have insurance. Insurances needs a $800 deductable and HA... c'mon... I work for the government and make less than $1000 a month. I've been directed to Family Services which will be later this afternoon. Although I have that sickening feeling that I already know what they're going to say....

 

 

Owl, I don't really know what I want. I'm completely back and forth although after talking it out and banging my head into the wall a half a million times, I don't think I want the H back. I love him... but I'm not *IN* love with him. I'm testy about bringing back our old friendship again, though, because I'm an extremely passionate person and don't want to give him the wrong ideas.

 

The more I think of it, the more I know I need help dealing with relationship. I've realized that I have.. and still do.. get extreme pleasure through manipulation. The fact that I realize how disgusting this is has to be my first step forward into changing that. I just need a little guidance. ^.^ I never realize I'm doing it, but I do. To myself and everyone else. We'll leave details out of this so I don't have a lynch mob from LoveShack hunting me down >.>

 

 

How would you suggest going about a divorce with all of $5 to spend on one? Although I know you can do it yourself, print it off the internet, I've always heard that it can be extremely tricky that way and a sure shot to screwing yourselves over?

[Owl]

Good point...and obviously I don't know the answer to how to divorce with no money...I've never divorced, nor do I have any idea on what the cheapest you can do one is.

 

So start trying to figure out what it WILL take. That's at least moving in the right direction, yes? Look up your state laws for divorce, find out what forms have to be filled out, and call your courthouse to see if you can get them there. Ask the clerk about legal/court fees if you're doing everything yourself.

 

If your H is willing to D as well, then there should be little risk of "screwing yourselves".

 

Or...talk with your H and see if he's truly ok with just leaving things the way that they are...the two of you married on paper, but no other "responsibilities" to each other beyond that. Talk with the other guy, make sure he knows your married, and that he understands EXACTLY what your situation is.

 

Be honest and up front with everyone...and see what happens from there.

 

Given what you've described about manipulation...some good counseling couldn't hurt you either.

 

That's my thoughts...I wish you the best of luck regardless.

[Darth Vader]

I don't think I'm stringing him along. I went to get my things in SC last December and haven't talked to him since until the other day when he added me to FB and sent *me* a message. If I were him, I'd get the point. He has too much going on in his own life right now and I don't really think bringing one more thing in like the divorce will help him. I will do it in due time, but we both need to work things out about ourselves first.

 

 

I see where you're going, but, some people just can't take a hint, you have to flat out tell them!

[Yvelysse]

if it was me,

I'd divorce and go to england.

nuff said.