What's up with all this exclusivity thing?

[thatsonlyme]

Ok, maybe it's a stupid question, maybe I'm just getting old and rusty, but I just don't understand why people "date around".

For me, it has always been "exclusive" from day one, unless it was just a random hook up and I was absolutely sure that I had no intentions to get serious with someone.

Maybe I'm just interpreting word "dating" all wrong, but for me, the first kiss seals the deal and I would not date anyone else afterward. That's my way of showing respect to a person I'm with and my willingness to give new relationship a chance.

For instance, when I met my previous ex, I had two girls I was hooking up with in the same time, just for fun. I left both of them the very moment I realized that new girl has a potential of being more than just a hook up.

I'd been in serious relationships for 9 years and I assume lots of things have changed in dating world. someone please explain this to me

[maravilla]

Honestly I don't understand what you're asking/saying. Because first you say that as soon as you have a first kiss w/ someone you're dating, you are exclusive with them. Then next you say that you were randomly hooking up w/ two women and you dumped them both as soon as you met another woman. Those two different things don't jive!! So I guess I can't answer your question but I will try to answer it anyway.

 

I would not consider myself exclusive to a guy that I went on a couple dates w/ and had a first kiss or even several kisses with. In fact I wouldn't consider myself exclusive until we'd had 'the talk' and both agreed we wanted to be in a committed relationship.

[Eeyore79]

Where do you live? In my experience, multi-dating seems to be more of an American thing; it's much less common in Europe.

 

I don't know how old you are, but I'm 31 and I feel the same as you - I like to give a new relationship a chance, so I only date one person at a time. I certainly wouldn't want to be kissing or sleeping with more than one person at the same time - yuck!

[xpaperxcutx]

Honestly I don't understand what you're asking/saying. Because first you say that as soon as you have a first kiss w/ someone you're dating, you are exclusive with them. Then next you say that you were randomly hooking up w/ two women and you dumped them both as soon as you met another woman. Those two different things don't jive!! So I guess I can't answer your question but I will try to answer it anyway.

 

I would not consider myself exclusive to a guy that I went on a couple dates w/ and had a first kiss or even several kisses with. In fact I wouldn't consider myself exclusive until we'd had 'the talk' and both agreed we wanted to be in a committed relationship.

 

This.

 

Exclusivity only occurs when both parties agree to being in a relationship. There shouldn't be a double standard where you're allowed to " hook up" with other people while others cannot.

[thatsonlyme]

Where do you live? In my experience, multi-dating seems to be more of an American thing; it's much less common in Europe.

 

I don't know how old you are, but I'm 31 and I feel the same as you - I like to give a new relationship a chance, so I only date one person at a time. I certainly wouldn't want to be kissing or sleeping with more than one person at the same time - yuck!

 

I'm 31 and I'm European but live in US now, I guess it's just a cultural difference

 

@maravilla, I'm saying that I can usually tell right away whether I'm interested in someone or not. with random hook ups I have no expectations of a relationship, hence no need for exclusivity talk. If a person is not just a random hook up, she's automatically exclusive for me.

 

I just don't like the idea of being with someone for few weeks/months while simultaneously testing waters to see if there's someone better out there.

 

@xpaperxcutx, I'm against double standards, but it appears to me that I'm about to get f**d because when I meet someone I like I'm going to stick with my standards, while for all I know she could be going out banging other dudes in the meantime. If there is 5% chance of getting serious with someone (which I can tell right away) I simply have no need to date around.

[xpaperxcutx]

I'm 31 and I'm European but live in US now, I guess it's just a cultural difference

 

@maravilla, I'm saying that I can usually tell right away whether I'm interested in someone or not. with random hook ups I have no expectations of a relationship, hence no need for exclusivity talk. If a person is not just a random hook up, she's automatically exclusive for me.

 

I just don't like the idea of being with someone for few weeks/months while simultaneously testing waters to see if there's someone better out there.

 

@xpaperxcutx, I'm against double standards, but it appears to me that I'm about to get f**d because when I meet someone I like I'm going to stick with my standards, while for all I know she could be going out banging other dudes in the meantime. If there is 5% chance of getting serious with someone (which I can tell right away) I simply have no need to date around.

 

Then you have the talk with them. If you don't tell them you want to date exclusively, why would you expect them to date only you? You would only then be operating on assumptions. Speak your mind about it. If she doesn't agree, then you walk away.

 

And the double standard I was referring to was your hookup. If you don't want a girl to sleep with other people and date you, you should not sleep with other people and date her.

 

Also if you're constantly being plagued with thoughts that any girl can just sleep around, you obviously have trust issues and shouldn't date at all.

Edited November 18, 2010 by xpaperxcutx

[Sarah1977]

I'm saying that I can usually tell right away whether I'm interested in someone or not.

 

 

serious with someone (which I can tell right away) I simply have no need to date around.

 

 

Don't expect everyone's brain to work like yours works. For example, I CANNOT usually tell right away if I want to be exclusive with someone.

[thatsonlyme]

I just don't understand why would somebody sleep with someone else if they had any interest in you. basically, if I date someone and that person dates somebody else in the same time, I will automatically consider it just a hook up without any possibility for future relationship. The same goes both ways.

 

that's why I mentioned my past experience, when I met the girl I wanted to give a chance, I ended it with two other girls who never had a chance really. Even if it didn't work out with that girl it wouldn't make any difference for me.

 

casual dating is OK with me, but it will never lead to anything more. However, when I meet a person who is interesting enough to be considered for anything more than just a hook up, I don't need any back up options.

 

I don't think I'm having trust issues, it's just that I can tell after first date if I only want to bang her or pursue something more.

 

So, since the rest of the world and I are obviously not on the same page, what do you recommend, how should I explain the girl I'm interested in my point of view.

 

I know that serious relationship takes time and effort to build but I don't like to look at it like car shopping, where you go to the dealership and test drive 10 cars in one day before you make a decision. I look at it more like eating out at a fine restaurant, where you savor you 7 course meal and then if you don't like the meal or overall service you decide to go to the other restaurant next time. you don't bring your McRib sandwich to the same restaurant to compare!

 

I hope I made myself more clear now

[thatsonlyme]

Don't expect everyone's brain to work like yours works. For example, I CANNOT usually tell right away if I want to be exclusive with someone.

 

I can't tell for sure either, but the world is not going to end if wait until I find out.

[xpaperxcutx]

I just don't understand why would somebody sleep with someone else if they had any interest in you. basically, if I date someone and that person dates somebody else in the same time, I will automatically consider it just a hook up without any possibility for future relationship. The same goes both ways.

 

that's why I mentioned my past experience, when I met the girl I wanted to give a chance, I ended it with two other girls who never had a chance really. Even if it didn't work out with that girl it wouldn't make any difference for me.

 

casual dating is OK with me, but it will never lead to anything more. However, when I meet a person who is interesting enough to be considered for anything more than just a hook up, I don't need any back up options.

 

I don't think I'm having trust issues, it's just that I can tell after first date if I only want to bang her or pursue something more.

 

So, since the rest of the world and I are obviously not on the same page, what do you recommend, how should I explain the girl I'm interested in my point of view.

 

I know that serious relationship takes time and effort to build but I don't like to look at it like car shopping, where you go to the dealership and test drive 10 cars in one day before you make a decision. I look at it more like eating out at a fine restaurant, where you savor you 7 course meal and then if you don't like the meal or overall service you decide to go to the other restaurant next time. you don't bring your McRib sandwich to the same restaurant to compare!

 

I hope I made myself more clear now

 

 

That's why you have to weed people out. I have never met anyone who would want exclusivity on the first date, tha's just jumping the gun. All you can do is speak your mind that you're not interested in " multi-dating". Once you have that out, they can either do the same, or you let them go.

 

How is that hard to figure out?

 

No one can be on the same exact page until you found equal ground.

[Eeyore79]

I'm 31 and I'm European but live in US now, I guess it's just a cultural difference

Yep, definitely a cultural difference.

 

Then you have the talk with them. If you don't tell them you want to date exclusively, why would you expect them to date only you?

In Europe, it's fairly normal to assume that if someone asks you out they're not currently dating anyone else. Most people would be annoyed to discover that the person they're dating is already seeing someone, and it would probably be considered a dumping offence.

 

I guess you can think of it like this: people approach dating in the same way as food, so while the Europeans savour one course at a time and finish it before moving on to the next one, Americans grab food like they're at a buffet table and pile it all on the same plate

 

OP, I would recommend that you stick to what you feel comfortable with. If you want exclusivity, ask for it, explaining it as a cultural thing if necessary. A girl who isn't prepared to offer what you need isn't right for you anyway.

[xpaperxcutx]

Yep, definitely a cultural difference.

 

 

In Europe, it's fairly normal to assume that if someone asks you out they're not currently dating anyone else. Most people would be annoyed to discover that the person they're dating is already seeing someone, and it would probably be considered a dumping offence.

 

I guess you can think of it like this: people approach dating in the same way as food, so while the Europeans savour one course at a time and finish it before moving on to the next one, Americans grab food like they're at a buffet table and pile it all on the same plate

 

OP, I would recommend that you stick to what you feel comfortable with. If you want exclusivity, ask for it, explaining it as a cultural thing if necessary. A girl who isn't prepared to offer what you need isn't right for you anyway.

 

Well chalk it up to cultural differences then.

 

Since I'm from America, this is how I deal with things- I make it clear to whomever it is I'm dating what I want. I don't just make assumptions that a person will want a relationship, that's just setting myself up for expectations. I lay everything out on the table so there won't be any chances for game playing. I expect full honesty from the other party. If he's being wishy-washy, I walk away. I certainly don't dwell on being cheated on, because I will have walked away too early to allow it.

[thatsonlyme]

Thanks for replies guys.

 

I guess I'll just have to go out and experience it myself, I haven't had a date in 9 years, so I'm probably just over thinking. Just reading about all this made me feel like nobody wants relationships anymore.

 

I guess I could use same casual dating for now anyway, but ultimately I am looking for somebody who can give me more than just sex. Yeah, believe it or not, there are guys like that out there

[welikeincrowds]

Just reading about all this made me feel like nobody wants relationships anymore.

 

Yeah, be careful about that. LS has been pretty insistent on this topic lately, to say the least. Plenty of people want relationships, and most people who multi-date aren't doing it to **** multiple people, but because they feel it will help them make clearer judgments about the people they're seeing.

 

The best general advice is to assume that they are dating others until you have the talk, and to solely focus instead on what you want.

[Eclypse]

Maybe the cultural thing is true. I live in Australia but I'm from eastern Europe originally. I'd be pretty upset if I asked a girl on a date and she was already seeing other guys and didn't mention it. And if she did then I'd drop dating with her. It would just feel weird knowing those lips were touching some other guy last night.

 

Same with me too. Not all dates work out but I'm definitely not going to be dating several people simultaneously.

[maravilla]

Argh you guys just need to talk about what you want, b/c no one is a mind reader. I certainly wouldn't be mad if I went on a date or two with a guy and found out he is dating other girls. I mean, I'm not his girlfriend yet, I have no expectation of exclusivity until we agree on it.

 

Weird.

[thatsonlyme]

Argh you guys just need to talk about what you want, b/c no one is a mind reader. I certainly wouldn't be mad if I went on a date or two with a guy and found out he is dating other girls. I mean, I'm not his girlfriend yet, I have no expectation of exclusivity until we agree on it.

 

Weird.

 

So when do you become his girlfriend? I mean if I bring up this exclusivity talk on a second date I'll appear clingy or desperate. for some women it's 2 weeks, for some it's 3 months, so if I don't do it by certain date she'd think I'm not interested, if I do it too early again it's not good...

 

the same thing applies to proposal/marriage. I had girls asking me how long I've been in a relationship (with my ex) and I'd say "4 years", they would ask me then "and you still didn't pop the question!?". I mean I talked about it to my ex and we agreed we'd get married when we're ready, but we lived together and shared everything just like married couples do. Honestly marriage is just a formality for me and most guys I know, if woman wants it, she should say it!

[AverageJoe]

Ok, maybe it's a stupid question, maybe I'm just getting old and rusty, but I just don't understand why people "date around".

 

I can give you bit of insight as to why some people just date around. In my case it is a lifestyle choice. First and foremost, when I ask a girl out, I already assume she is seeing other people. Why would she not? My ego just doesnt work that way.

 

For me I am not looking for a relationship or even marriage, I do however look for sex, and dating = sex. Like most warm blooded men (and women) out there we all enjoy sex.

I always have a few plates spinning of beautiful women who enjoy lifes simple pleasures without the expectation of a future binding legal document. Oh yes, they are out there. It takes time, some skill, and at times incredible insight. While I am at it I would like to dispel a myth I have read here on these forums. Women who enjoy casual sex are low quality women. This simply isnt true. Epic fail.

 

Now I dont always want to have sex with these women. Sometimes they can be a valued travel partner, they may want to go to a ballgame with me, or sometimes just relax and hang out together with a bottle of wine. Guys like cool chics.

 

In the meantime I get to do anything I want as much as I want, without having to answer to anyone. Ever. I no longer compromise myself or who I am, I dont have to settle for anything. I have more money in my pocket because of it, more free time, and no one questioning my motives. You just dont know how well I sleep at night. Its very liberating.

 

Also if you're constantly being plagued with thoughts that any girl can just sleep around, you obviously have trust issues and shouldn't date at all.

A bit off topic, my aplogies. But I wanted to address this. I think women get an extremely bad rap from some people that may share the lifestyle I do. If women so choose that lifestyle I think the double standard placed on them is deplorable. Its a stigma placed on women by the "social graces" of society. I find it to be completely unbecoming.

[EasyHeart]

Maybe the cultural thing is true. I live in Australia but I'm from eastern Europe originally. I'd be pretty upset if I asked a girl on a date and she was already seeing other guys and didn't mention it. And if she did then I'd drop dating with her. It would just feel weird knowing those lips were touching some other guy last night.

 

Same with me too. Not all dates work out but I'm definitely not going to be dating several people simultaneously.

No, it's not cultural. I'm an American born-and-bred and I feel the same way. I don't know any men in real life who don't.

 

I don't care if a woman goes out with other men when I start dating her, but I do think it's reasonable to assume she's not sleeping with anyone when she agrees to go out with me. If that means I'm oppressing her vagina or being judgmental about her lifestyle, so be it. I just think she should tell me so that I don't waste my time going out with her again.

[Mad Max]

No, it's not cultural. I'm an American born-and-bred and I feel the same way. I don't know any men in real life who don't.

 

I don't care if a woman goes out with other men when I start dating her, but I do think it's reasonable to assume she's not sleeping with anyone when she agrees to go out with me. If that means I'm oppressing her vagina or being judgmental about her lifestyle, so be it. I just think she should tell me so that I don't waste my time going out with her again.

 

 

Agreed. Any self-respecting man is not going to put money into dates when other men get sex for free. Doesn't work that way.

[AverageJoe]

I don't care if a woman goes out with other men when I start dating her, but I do think it's reasonable to assume she's not sleeping with anyone when she agrees to go out with me. If that means I'm oppressing her vagina or being judgmental about her lifestyle, so be it. I just think she should tell me so that I don't waste my time going out with her again.

 

I think it is unreasonable to assume women are not having sex, or they should stop, just because they may have agreed to a date with you. I find that to be a bit naive.

[xpaperxcutx]

A bit off topic, my aplogies. But I wanted to address this. I think women get an extremely bad rap from some people that may share the lifestyle I do. If women so choose that lifestyle I think the double standard placed on them is deplorable. Its a stigma placed on women by the "social graces" of society. I find it to be completely unbecoming.

 

I'm assuming we agree then?

[EasyHeart]

I think it is unreasonable to assume women are not having sex, or they should stop, just because they may have agreed to a date with you. I find that to be a bit naive.

No, it's a matter of respect. If I'm sleeping with someone, I'm not asking anyone else on a date. If I ask a woman if she's seeing anyone, I expect that to include "sleeping with someone".

 

Asking for a date should not require me to hire a lawyer to ascertain a woman's romantic status.

[deebeechrisyo]

I think if your expecting your booty call to be screwing you and only you, that would be unfair for her and very naive of you. However, I agree that if you are looking to date a girl, and she's seeing other guys at the same time, she either drops them or she gets dropped.

 

I think casual dating is nothing more than an FWB relationships. Dating with a purpose on the other hand, you are screening girls for a potential relationship. Do you really want to be in a relationship with a girl who you know sees/screws other guys while you were courting her?

[welikeincrowds]

Agreed. Any self-respecting man is not going to put money into dates when other men get sex for free. Doesn't work that way.

 

I might not disagree with your final conclusion -- that a girl who has a current fwb isn't a girl I'd necessarily like to date -- but I can't agree with how you go there.

 

Don't take it for granted that you see sex as a commodity. It is a very precise way of viewing the date, as a means to ultimately buy sex -- to invest into her sex market, whether that be a financial or emotional investment, or both. From this viewpoint alone, you will begin to color certain actions as negative or unfair, because the viewpoint has enabled you to feel entitled, by nature of what you perceive to be a universal currency, to what are now goods, seemingly in perfect supply.

 

You complete some controversial maxims with that assertion: not just that women's bodies, to you, are bought and sold, conceptually or literally; but that women are interchangeable; and the relationships women have with men are interchangeable with other men.

 

Make no mistake: this is misogyny. No judgments from me, so long as you own it.