Feeling insecure about my relationship

[Eeyore79]

My bf is 27 and I'm 31. He's attractive, smart, decent, kind, and has never done anything to make me feel insecure, but I still feel extremely stressed about our relationship.

 

I look young for my age, and he looks kind of old for his age; when we met he thought I was about 23, and I thought he was in his early 30s. We only found out each other's real ages when we started dating, and he said it doesn't bother him, but he admitted that usually he's only interested in girls who are younger than him.

 

The last girl he dated was 21, which makes me feel incredibly insecure because I'm a decade older. That girl obviously had years to go through the whole process of extended dating, a long engagement, being married for a few years and then having kids - realistically I'm on a much shorter timescale, which I imagine is unappealing. Most men seem to date younger women, and I keep wondering why he wants to be with me when he could be with a significantly younger woman instead - a woman whose biological clock isn't ticking quite so loudly, and who is way behind me in the ageing process and will therefore stay attractive for longer.

 

I should note that he's very shy and tends to suffer from low self esteem; while he has dated other women in the past, he hasn't had a proper relationship which has lasted more than a couple of weeks (our relationship has lasted for several months so far). The 21yo girl in question dated him a couple of times because her friends insisted he was a nice guy and she should give him a chance, but she dumped him after two dates because she didn't fancy him. So I guess I shouldn't feel insecure about someone who didn't want him anyway (especially since he said he found her very immature) but I still do.

 

He tells me that he loves me, and I say it back, but in my heart I'm already assuming that the relationship won't last. I feel like he'll eventually realise that he can do better, and will trade me in for a younger model (in case you hadn't realised, I suffer from low self esteem too). Plus I sort of feel it's unlikely that he'll settle down with the first girl who he's had a serious relationship with. My friends keep telling me that he'll want to hang onto me because we get on so well, and also because he's shy and hasn't had any luck with women until he met me. I'm not so sure - I think he can do better than me, and that eventually he'll realise that.

 

The whole thing just makes me feel very insecure and stressed, and I've even considered backing off from the relationship, though I love him to death - sort of like rejecting him before he can reject me. I realise that would be a very silly thing to do when I'm crazy about him, but I'm just really struggling with my own low self esteem and worrying about being hurt when he inevitably leaves me as everyone else has done

[denise_xo]

It sounds like you're potentially making up a lot of problems that may only or mainly exist in your head. Why don't you just tell him what you're thinking and take it from there? If it's mainly in your head, that talk will probably make a lot of these issues go away. Sharing insecurities in a relationship can feel scary, but it's an essential element of making an LTR work, IMO. If these issues are not only in your head, you might as well find out sooner rather than later and then the two of you can discuss together what it actually means for your relationship. But from how you are describing it here, you are attributing it all to your own thinking and not to something specific that he has said or done?... Four year's difference really isn't that much, and as you both get older that difference will just feel smaller or become insignificant, I would think.

[Eeyore79]

I'm fully aware that these problems are founded mainly on my own insecurity and abandonment issues. My bf tells me he loves me, says how beautiful I am and how lucky he is, and has even said that the age gap isn't an issue and he often forgets about it because I look so young. But I still feel like I'm not good enough for him, not talented enough (he's very talented), not young enough (he could easily date someone 5-10 years younger than me), not smart enough (he has excellent qualifications), not beautiful enough (even though he thinks I'm gorgeous), etc.

 

Next to him I feel old, dirty, worthless and broken. I look at other women who are younger, smarter and more talented, and feel like that's the sort of woman he deserves to be with. I feel like I'm just filling a gap in his life until someone better comes along - he's never made me feel that way, that's just how I feel when I compare the two of us and see how he deserves so much better than me. It's stressing me out and making me unhappy because I doubt the future of our relationship

[denise_xo]

I'm fully aware that these problems are founded mainly on my own insecurity and abandonment issues. My bf tells me he loves me, says how beautiful I am and how lucky he is, and has even said that the age gap isn't an issue and he often forgets about it because I look so young. But I still feel like I'm not good enough for him, not talented enough (he's very talented), not young enough (he could easily date someone 5-10 years younger than me), not smart enough (he has excellent qualifications), not beautiful enough (even though he thinks I'm gorgeous), etc.

 

Next to him I feel old, dirty, worthless and broken. I look at other women who are younger, smarter and more talented, and feel like that's the sort of woman he deserves to be with. I feel like I'm just filling a gap in his life until someone better comes along - he's never made me feel that way, that's just how I feel when I compare the two of us and see how he deserves so much better than me. It's stressing me out and making me unhappy because I doubt the future of our relationship

 

Oh sweetheart that's terrible. Remember the guy has chosen to be with you. No one is forcing him. Maybe he could easily date someone fiver years younger, but he isn't. He's dating YOU

 

So, if you know you have insecurity and abandonment issues, have you done anything specific to address them? Sorry if you've posted about this before, in which case I haven't read it...

[Eeyore79]

I know he's chosen to be with me, but sometimes in my more neurotic moments I feel like he's only with me because younger women rejected him. He's very shy and hasn't had much success with dating; women tend to either turn him down flat or dump him after a couple of dates. I'm the only one who's ever really fallen for him and wanted a LTR with him, so I worry that he's only with me because nobody else wanted him, and that he won't stick around once he gets his confidence up. He's always been loving and kind, and has never behaved like he won't stick around; I realise this is purely my insecurity talking

 

I haven't done anything to address my insecurity and abandonment issues. I had a therapist a couple of years ago, whose only advice was to "let it go"; rather than working through my issues she thought the best approach was for me to just put it out of my mind, so I stopped seeing her because she didn't help me at all. I don't really have the money right now to start seeing a therapist again, and I'm not really sure how to begin addressing these issues.

[GooseChaser]

Do you think it's worth it to try? Do you think that the potential for positive things overshadows the risk of getting hurt? If you do, you could just enjoy the time you do have with him, and with luck you two will be just fine. Just take things as they come, at a natural pace, and don't worry too much!

[Eeyore79]

I really think it's worth trying, or I wouldn't waste my time. I'm just extremely attached to the idea of a positive outcome, and the possibility of a negative outcome terrifies me. I'm so tired of being alone and unloved my whole life, and so happy being with this person; I really don't want to lose him. I have abandonment issues, and I really can't cope with rejection and being alone again; it will utterly break my heart. It doesn't help that my low self esteem constantly whispers in my ear that everyone always leaves me in the end because I'm not good enough

[GooseChaser]

Try to be positive and optimistic about it. Your underlying positive or negative energy can be sensed by others and influence them, especially someone as close as a partner. If you believe he will abandon you, it could become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Always hope for the best!

 

Try to work on your self-esteem and focus on how great you guys are together. Remember that you are a worthy person and that things will work out in the end. If it's meant to be, it will be. If it isn't, you will meet someone else someday who will make you happy, and who you will make happy as well.

[Cracker Jack]

As mentioned, just enjoy your relationship and try to block-out negative thoughts. If he's given you no reason to feel this way, then you're simply creating negative outcomes out of thin air, and simply need to just...um, stop.

 

Doesn't sound like he can do anything to make you stop feeling this way, tho. That's unfortunate. I think if you're constantly feeling miserable and "old and worthless" like you said, then maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship in the first place.

[Tim The Enchanter]

I really think it's worth trying, or I wouldn't waste my time. I'm just extremely attached to the idea of a positive outcome, and the possibility of a negative outcome terrifies me. I'm so tired of being alone and unloved my whole life, and so happy being with this person; I really don't want to lose him. I have abandonment issues, and I really can't cope with rejection and being alone again; it will utterly break my heart. It doesn't help that my low self esteem constantly whispers in my ear that everyone always leaves me in the end because I'm not good enough

 

I think I know what you're feeling as I have similar problems myself. I cope with them by having an internal dialogue and trying to manage my thought patterns. It's similar to the CBT techniques I use to combat my depression.

 

It sounds as if you are having severely negative thought patterns. Have you sought professional help yet? I would strongly recommend it. Talking things through with a trained counsellor can be very therapeutic. I would do that before talking to your boyfriend.

[welikeincrowds]

I'm just dropping in to say that I'd happily date a woman your age, and I'm younger than your boyfriend. I'm intelligent and good-looking, too. I'd do it by choice, because I have good taste.

 

By the way, it's entirely possible that he's insecure about keeping up with you, just as well. This is because the age issue seems to have not been resolved. It may help you to bring it up with him -- "are you absolutely certain that our age difference is not an issue?" It really shouldn't be, by the way, if I didn't already hint at that clearly enough.

[Eeyore79]

I'm just dropping in to say that I'd happily date a woman your age, and I'm younger than your boyfriend. I'm intelligent and good-looking, too.

Thanks It's helpful to know that someone even younger than my bf would consider dating a woman of my age if she was right for him. I guess I just assumed that guys always preferred younger women, because they'll be pretty for longer and are less time-pressured when it comes to things like marriage and kids. I'm still not sure why an attractive intelligent guy such as yourself would choose an older woman if he was able to get an equally good younger woman, but maybe that's just my insecurity showing through.

 

By the way, it's entirely possible that he's insecure about keeping up with you, just as well.

I'm not really sure why he'd be insecure about keeping up with me. It's true that as I'm a little older I have more education than he does, I own a house and he doesn't, I've had a couple more relationships than he has (this is his first proper relationship)... but overall he still seems like a better catch to me since he's younger, more talented, has a better job, etc.

 

I think I know what you're feeling as I have similar problems myself. I cope with them by having an internal dialogue and trying to manage my thought patterns.

I do try to force myself to be reasonable - I know full well that he hasn't done anything to make me feel insecure, has never indicated that he might not want to be with me, has never said anything except how beautiful I am and how lucky he is. I manage my behaviour and keep it normal despite my insecurities, but the negative internal dialogue in my head still keeps running despite me putting a brave face on it. I tried therapy but gave up because it didn't help - being told to just quit thinking about negative things was really not very helpful to me, especially because I couldn't just quit even if I wanted to.

 

I have suffered from depression, and have never been very good at being social or making friends; I've typically felt very lonely and lost. I have a history of being taken advantage of by bad men because they liked my looks and didn't give a rat's ass about me as a person, and I was vulnerable enough to fall for their lies. I'm terrified of feeling that sort of pain and rejection again, and I really don't want to be alone any more, but find it difficult to trust that I won't be because my experience is that everyone (friend or boyfriend) always leaves me in the end.

 

I'm trying to build my self esteem and be positive about my future, but it's really hard when you've consistently received messages about your own worthlessness your whole life. I was bullied at school, used by men who only cared about my looks, dumped by so-called friends, and struggled to find people (either friends or boyfriends) who actually wanted to know me as a person and be close to me. It's difficult for me to believe that a man this nice would actually want to be with me without some ulterior motive

[NoLongerSad]

Maybe your bf just has very good taste.

 

Why hold it against him?