would this be a turn-off or even a red flag to you?

[is_this_thing_on]

I started talking to a guy from a dating site last night. He seems like a genuinely nice guy as well as attractive so after a few very brief e-mails I gave him my number so we could text. We were just chatting and then all of a sudden he got rather serious. This is how the conversation unfolded:

 

Him: So do you have any guys in your line of vision right now?

Me: Uh, no, I'm alone in my bedroom.

Him: Haha

Him: I more meant are you interested in anyone

Me: Oh! Wow, I feel like a dork

Me: No, I'm not seeing anyone at the moment

Him: lol

Him: Are you looking or no?

Me: I guess I'm never really looking or not looking, I like to just let things happen

Me: It's more organic that way

Him: lol

Him: I know what you mean, I like to let things happen too but not like wait 5 months and then see if something happens

Me: Well I think it takes a lot less than 5 months to know if there's chemistry, if that's what you mean

Him: Right

Him: Just want to be on the same page

Him: I'm happy to let things happen but I am trying to find someone long term

Me: I completely understand

Him: Just don't want to waste my time

Me: I just like to take time to get to know someone

Me: That's all I meant

Him: Me too

Him: But just get to know me right? Not like me and 3 other guys

Me: ...

Me: Well I have gone on dates recently, if that's what you're asking

Me: But nothing ongoing

Him: So you are getting to know other guys

Me: Well I haven't gone past one or two dates with anyone recently

Him: Just trying to figure out so we don't waste each others time, just so if you're not looking for the same things maybe a date wouldn't be right

Me: Well I'm not comfortable agreeing to exclusivity with someone I've never met

Me: So maybe you're right

Him: right about what?

Me: Not going on a date

Him:

Me: Maybe we are just different but to be honest I would never ask a guy I've never even met if he's talking to other girls, that's none of my business

Me: That's like third or fourth date material (to me)

Him: You are completely 100% right I'm sorry

Him: That was inappropriate let's rewind

Him: I'm gonna try to be more laid back like you lol

Him: Are you available this Saturday?

Me: Yes

Him: Okay I'd like to take you to dinner

Me: Okay, sounds good

Him: Okay I'll get back with you to figure out a time

Him: Goodnight ******

Me: Goodnight

 

I was really caught off guard by this...the e-mails we exchanged were very brief and mostly "how are you" and things like that then all of a sudden he's asking me if I'm seeing other guys? Does this rub you the wrong way?

 

He's very attractive so I'm surprised that he seems somewhat insecure. It could be because I'm 23 and I've typically dated men my age to 5 or so years older, while this guy is actually a year younger than me.

 

Do you see this as indicative of future jealousy or controlling tendencies? I'm going back and forth on whether to cancel the date.

[someotherguy]

Stop over analyzing everything and just go on the date, you haven't even met the guy in person yet.

 

People can be dorks and walk right into unintended conversations, I do it all the time.

 

And frankly, when I was dating, I came right out and asked about their other dates, asked them to tell me their worst date, etc. It's just conversation, and finding out how they talk about people when those people aren't around is actually a pretty good way to find out what kind of person they are. If they slag all their other dates, put them down, and call them names, is that someone you want to be spending time with?

 

Don't train him to be afraid to talk to you.

[kiss_andmakeup]

I can understand why you're turned off; insecurity is always a turn off, in a man or in a woman. But I defiinitely don't think it's a red flag. He was probably just being awkward. No harm in going on the date...you'll get a much better idea of who he is after meeting him in person.

[Cee]

Might be because he's been burned on online dating. A lot of women (and men) and talking to and dating multiple people. I guess he was worried that you and him had different purposes on the site.

 

By the way, I thought you handled the discussion well and his comments that he was being "inappropriate" and "let's rewind" was a good sign.

 

Have fun on your date.

[sanskrit]

Agree totally that his line of questioning was too forward and inappropriate at this stage, but as someone else said, it was via text, and people make tons of mistakes there. See the "Do women want relationships or just FWB" thread for -why- he asked what he did.

 

On the date, if he goes in this direction again, he's probably not a good prospect without strong redeeming characteristics. Just like women who are trying to fit strangers into an agenda too fast, men who do this tend to be manipulative and high maintenance, but this comes second hand to me from female friends, not direct experience.

 

There are people out there who don't or won't date multiple people at once, up to you if you could match with someone like this if that describes him.

[is_this_thing_on]

Thanks for the input guys. I guess I was just caught off guard. Here's this young, intelligent, very attractive guy and I guess I didn't expect him to have those concerns so early.

 

I just worry because while I am open to something long term, I don't want to go on one date with him and then have him think we are "in a relationship," I've had guys get that way before and it is not fun.

 

Also, in my last LTR my boyfriend was very jealous of everything, even guys I talked to at school or my professors. He was never abusive or controlling but he lacked self-esteem and so I am on the lookout for tell tale signs of that.

[is_this_thing_on]

Agree totally that his line of questioning was too forward and inappropriate at this stage, but as someone else said, it was via text, and people make tons of mistakes there. See the "Do women want relationships or just FWB" thread for -why- he asked what he did.

 

On the date, if he goes in this direction again, he's probably not a good prospect without strong redeeming characteristics. Just like women who are trying to fit strangers into an agenda too fast, men who do this tend to be manipulative and high maintenance, but this comes second hand to me from female friends, not direct experience.

 

There are people out there who don't or won't date multiple people at once, up to you if you could match with someone like this if that describes him.

 

This was very helpful, thank you.

[is_this_thing_on]

Oh, another weird thing he did when we were texting: we were having a pretty fluid conversation (this was before the text I quoted in my first post) and then all of a sudden he disappeared for about 30 minutes. Now since texting is pretty informal it really didn't bother me so I decided to go do some laundry. I returned to my phone 20 minutes later and he had finally texted me back, and then sent a couple "where are you?" and "hello?" type texts when I didn't respond right away (since I was downstairs in the laundry room). WTH, you can disappear for half an hour but I leave for 20 min and you freak out? Hmmm...

 

Still, I will reserve judgement until after the date.

[Green]

I started talking to a guy from a dating site last night. He seems like a genuinely nice guy as well as attractive so after a few very brief e-mails I gave him my number so we could text. We were just chatting and then all of a sudden he got rather serious. This is how the conversation unfolded:

 

Him: So do you have any guys in your line of vision right now?

Me: Uh, no, I'm alone in my bedroom.

Him: Haha

Him: I more meant are you interested in anyone

Me: Oh! Wow, I feel like a dork

Me: No, I'm not seeing anyone at the moment

Him: lol

Him: Are you looking or no?

Me: I guess I'm never really looking or not looking, I like to just let things happen

Me: It's more organic that way

Him: lol

Him: I know what you mean, I like to let things happen too but not like wait 5 months and then see if something happens

Me: Well I think it takes a lot less than 5 months to know if there's chemistry, if that's what you mean

Him: Right

Him: Just want to be on the same page

Him: I'm happy to let things happen but I am trying to find someone long term

Me: I completely understand

Him: Just don't want to waste my time

Me: I just like to take time to get to know someone

Me: That's all I meant

Him: Me too

Him: But just get to know me right? Not like me and 3 other guys

Me: ...

Me: Well I have gone on dates recently, if that's what you're asking

Me: But nothing ongoing

Him: So you are getting to know other guys

Me: Well I haven't gone past one or two dates with anyone recently

Him: Just trying to figure out so we don't waste each others time, just so if you're not looking for the same things maybe a date wouldn't be right

Me: Well I'm not comfortable agreeing to exclusivity with someone I've never met

Me: So maybe you're right

Him: right about what?

Me: Not going on a date

Him:

Me: Maybe we are just different but to be honest I would never ask a guy I've never even met if he's talking to other girls, that's none of my business

Me: That's like third or fourth date material (to me)

Him: You are completely 100% right I'm sorry

Him: That was inappropriate let's rewind

Him: I'm gonna try to be more laid back like you lol

Him: Are you available this Saturday?

Me: Yes

Him: Okay I'd like to take you to dinner

Me: Okay, sounds good

Him: Okay I'll get back with you to figure out a time

Him: Goodnight ******

Me: Goodnight

 

I was really caught off guard by this...the e-mails we exchanged were very brief and mostly "how are you" and things like that then all of a sudden he's asking me if I'm seeing other guys? Does this rub you the wrong way?

 

He's very attractive so I'm surprised that he seems somewhat insecure. It could be because I'm 23 and I've typically dated men my age to 5 or so years older, while this guy is actually a year younger than me.

 

Do you see this as indicative of future jealousy or controlling tendencies? I'm going back and forth on whether to cancel the date.

 

Translation: I'M INSECURE AND NOT AFRAID TO SHOW THAT INSECURITY IN THE FORM OF WONDERING IF YOU ARE GOING TO REJECT ME.

 

Seriously I don't ask if a girl is seeing other guys I tell her "I don't want you seeing other guys lets just make this you and me while we figure this out" I wouldn't say something like that thought till after the first date if things went good and I liked her.

 

But you agreed to go out with him so you obviously still find urself attractive despit his loserness. Dating younger guys is a bad idea but it may work out.

[sanskrit]

He sounds like he may be kind of a text noob, or just a dating noob, or has issues. Go by how he acts face to face, it's the only way to know for sure.

 

If you want to play a practical joke, get a male friend of yours to go where your date is, walk by and say, "Hey, is-this-thing-on, fancy seeing you here! we still on for Saturday night?"

[Eeyore79]

The situation you described wouldn't really worry me. A lot of people are just messing about on dating sites, and he just wants to be sure that you're serious about finding a proper relationship with one special person, and not messing about with several different guys at the same time. Personally I like to get to know one person at a time, and make up my mind about them before I move on to someone else. Multi-dating isn't really my thing, and I wouldn't be happy with a guy doing it while he was getting to know me. Maybe this guy feels the same way?

 

It sounds like he may be a little insecure, but that sort of thing doesn't really bother me; in fact I'd probably find it endearing. Beautiful and intelligent people can be insecure too, you know - just because he seems great doesn't mean he isn't insecure. In fact, sometimes beautiful people can be more insecure than anyone else, because people treat them as just a pretty face with nothing else to offer, so they don't have confidence in themselves as a person.

[Confusedalways]

I'd be a little turned off but give him the benefit of the doubt... some guys (and girls) just suck at online dating.

 

I was talking to this guy once-- but he was kind of the same way. All question-y and asking about relationships. Not my cup of tea.

[Banega100]

i feel alot better about my dating skills when i read this post...

[Arasae]

"where are you?" and "hello?" type texts when I didn't respond right away

That is a red flag to me. Not only was he sounding insecure before (ew), but that right there screams *NEEDY*. The only men to ever do that to me were the ones who constantly needed my attention, wanted to spend every freaking moment with me, and would get suspicious/jealous whenever I'd (rarely) go out with my friends. So.. be careful. He might be cloyingly clingy.

[NoLongerSad]

He sounds normal enough to me.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I started talking to a guy from a dating site last night. He seems like a genuinely nice guy as well as attractive so after a few very brief e-mails I gave him my number so we could text. We were just chatting and then all of a sudden he got rather serious. This is how the conversation unfolded:

 

Him: So do you have any guys in your line of vision right now?

Me: Uh, no, I'm alone in my bedroom.

Him: Haha

Him: I more meant are you interested in anyone

Me: Oh! Wow, I feel like a dork

Me: No, I'm not seeing anyone at the moment

Him: lol

Him: Are you looking or no?

Me: I guess I'm never really looking or not looking, I like to just let things happen

Me: It's more organic that way

Him: lol

Him: I know what you mean, I like to let things happen too but not like wait 5 months and then see if something happens

Me: Well I think it takes a lot less than 5 months to know if there's chemistry, if that's what you mean

Him: Right

Him: Just want to be on the same page

Him: I'm happy to let things happen but I am trying to find someone long term

Me: I completely understand

Him: Just don't want to waste my time

Me: I just like to take time to get to know someone

Me: That's all I meant

Him: Me too

Him: But just get to know me right? Not like me and 3 other guys

Me: ...

Me: Well I have gone on dates recently, if that's what you're asking

Me: But nothing ongoing

Him: So you are getting to know other guys

Me: Well I haven't gone past one or two dates with anyone recently

Him: Just trying to figure out so we don't waste each others time, just so if you're not looking for the same things maybe a date wouldn't be right

Me: Well I'm not comfortable agreeing to exclusivity with someone I've never met

Me: So maybe you're right

Him: right about what?

Me: Not going on a date

Him:

Me: Maybe we are just different but to be honest I would never ask a guy I've never even met if he's talking to other girls, that's none of my business

Me: That's like third or fourth date material (to me)

Him: You are completely 100% right I'm sorry

Him: That was inappropriate let's rewind

Him: I'm gonna try to be more laid back like you lol

Him: Are you available this Saturday?

Me: Yes

Him: Okay I'd like to take you to dinner

Me: Okay, sounds good

Him: Okay I'll get back with you to figure out a time

Him: Goodnight ******

Me: Goodnight

 

I was really caught off guard by this...the e-mails we exchanged were very brief and mostly "how are you" and things like that then all of a sudden he's asking me if I'm seeing other guys? Does this rub you the wrong way?

 

He's very attractive so I'm surprised that he seems somewhat insecure. It could be because I'm 23 and I've typically dated men my age to 5 or so years older, while this guy is actually a year younger than me.

 

Do you see this as indicative of future jealousy or controlling tendencies? I'm going back and forth on whether to cancel the date.

 

 

Just toss this clown back to the sea.

 

He "doesn't want to waste time"

 

(he probably wants to determine whether you're bangable on the first date, and if not, then he's {wasting time} )

 

 

The major flaw is the absolute haste with which he hopes to meet you so soon.

[SunsetRed]

I'd be completely turned off and even if I went on the date, my guard would be up and I'd be unable to look at him objectively.

 

Your experience is exactly why I hate online dating. It feel unnatural for strangers to be getting too familar with me or to be expecting exclusivity with someone they've never met.

 

This guy sounds weird and needy and as if he's just looking for someone, anyone to fill a void in his life. It could be you, or the next girl he meets on the site. He doesn't care about getting to know you, otherwise he'd be willing to get to know you without placing demands on you.

This guy sounds like a big waste of YOUR time.

[Left in a Lurch]

I don't get when honesty became a red flag all the time.

It's like if people don't play like they are super-confident, always self-assured, experts with the ladies, and God's gift it's a red flag. Everybody is insecure so why pretend like you are not unless you are a player?

 

This guy obviously has experienced dating someone and spending money and went through getting mixed signals to find out he was a back up plan.

He was being honest and saying he doesn't want to go out with someone that might be on the verge of getting involved or spending time on someone that is actually unavailable, which is a waste of time and money and can be heartbreaking and run you through the ringer.He basically told her he does not like multi-daters, that shouldn't be a red flag he should get points for being honest about his intentions and what he expects.

 

I mean the OP is on here posting their entire private texts to get other people's opinions which screams she is not confident when it comes to determining who she should date or reading men. That's totally ok but I bet she doesn't tell him she posted on here, which is an act. She isn't confident in selecting dates either but he is the only one being honest.

[SunsetRed]

So, did you go on your date? Let us know what happened with this guy.

 

I'm expecting him to be more persistently and unhealthily needy. With online dating, your first meet and your first date are on the same day.

No one in real life situations would ever act needy or inquire if a person is dating others on a first meet. The first meet in any situation should be about seeing if there is spark and chemistry and if there is something about that person that makes you want to know them more.

 

Well, I'm just curious to see what happened.

[SomewhatExperienced]

He's likely got some security issues, but you know what? Most people do! I used to feel the same way that guy did about seeing other people at the same time, but I've grown out of it and relaxed. I agree that he shouldn't have been so forward so early, but chalk it up to lack of experience on his part.

 

But just remember, despite may of these insecurities this guy might be a really great guy and you two might hit it off. Go out with him and see where it goes. If he continues to be really heavy all the time, cut him loose. He's got to learn anyway.

[Els]

I think he's just naive and a little socially inept, really. It's not such a huuuuuuuuuuuge deal...

[youaretheone]

I think you should give him the benefit of the doubt. It does not look so bad and what if you are missing a great opportunity by evaluating him from a single question? If he keeps acting like that on the date, you have at least tried. Nothing to lose.

[D-Jam]

I think if I were a woman, the first thought would be wondering if being in a RL with him means he would be constantly wondering if I would cheat and even getting into insecure outbursts if I talk to a man or am close to a man.

 

I've had male friends who complain to me about the women they're dating, and how they have guy friends or work with a bunch of single good looking guys. I'll usually reply "Um...she's got access to all those men, but she picked you. What does that say?"

 

Now I've actually been "burned" in the sense many of these guys worry about. Went with a girl who was hot and cold for a bit, then dumped me for her best guy friend. I still won't use this as a means to not trust women I date. It's pointless. I'd rather get burned and know who a person is rather than sit there every day wondering if I'll get betrayed.

 

It's up to you if you want to date him, but I can't blame you for being turned off. Guys need to accept how the world is and stop hoping things will change. The ones who have are the ones who come into dating with no expectations and aren't pushing for things to progress too quickly.

 

I know with my girlfriend, I didn't come in trying to make a RL happen. I just went with no expectations and didn't push for anything. She tells me now that she was worried back then that I didn't like her, but I simply stated the truth that I was tired of being burned and thus I was going to sti back and see if she was a normal woman, or just another flake/basketcase. I more or less decided to see if she was in this for the long haul, or would she have a moment of insecurity one night and decide she must break up with me for reasons beyond me. I wanted to see if she really wanted me or if I was just "convenient".

 

Thankfully things worked out for the better.

 

But I still tell guys to stop going in with expectations and thus the insecurity doesn't come in. Go on dates with women under the idea that at any given second she will flip out or flake out and never talk to you again. It sounds cynical, but it keeps your emotions and mind stable...and thus you don't rush things or set yourself up to get hurt. It also helps you stay clear so when the girl is a flake or problem child...you can walk away easily and not try to "make it work".