SoMovinOn Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 Mother of my MOW was taken to the hospital by ambulance last night. I've known her since I was a teen. I'd like to visit her, but that would create problems, so I won't. MOW is not doing well. She worried. She feels alone. Her H is not the supportive type. She's feeling it more now than usual. I want to be there for her - a hug when she needs it, a shoulder to cry on... someone to be there at the hospital with her to help her decipher what the doctors are saying... but I can't. The hospital is 2.5 hours away. She had to drive up there alone this morning, sit there alone with her mom. Deal with the doctors alone. She wanted me to take her there, be there with her, but agreed it wouldn't be very smart. It would raise questions. I did the next best thing. I drove my car - stayed where she could see me. Then I spent the day near the hospital. We met away from the hospital for lunch. I made her eat something, even though she didn't want to, then just sat in the car, held her, and didn't say anything. We met for a little bit when she left the hospital, then, again I drove behind her, where she could see I was there. When we got to our exit, we stopped an had a cigarette and spend a few more minutes together, then both went home alone. My W and her H were at work... so there was sat, alone in our houses. She wanted me there, I wanted to be there for her, but we couldn't. Not that this arrangement is ever anywhere near ideal, but, more than usual, this really sucks.
january2010 Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 Link to your latest thread: Judgements based on guesses
half_ofa_heart Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 So very sorry to hear about that! I know exactly where you are coming from as my father was taken to the hospital by ambulance the day after Xmas. My MM wanted to take some time off and be there for me but I told him not to and that I would see him when I could but that talking me thru the tears was good enough for now. You are doing the best you can considering the situation and if she WANTS more, then she has to DO more. I know I should listen to my own advice but, We (meaning you too) can only control our own actions and cannot control others (your MOW and my MM). Kudos to you for being there for her.
NoIDidn't Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 Why can't you be there for her mother when you've known her since you were a teen? Or is it that you weren't all that close to her mom to really use that as a good reason to go 2.5 hours out of the way to see her in the hospital? Probably does suck, though. Would her mom think something odd of you showing up to visit her in the hospital?
pureinheart Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 Link to your latest thread: Judgements based on guesses What is your point?
pureinheart Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 Hi SMO...wow, I am so very sorry..if you don't mind, my prayers and thoughts are with all of you at this minute...I don't know what else to say to encourage you. That was the hardest part for exDM, although also worked out for him too as he was not good at stuff pertaining to being there for another like this. He tried, but was not good at it at all...he made things worse for me (it was really weird, like he was trying to make things worse). Soooo, I am so glad you are there for her, trust me, it means a lot... Is there a chance her mom will not make it? ((((((((hugs))))))))
datura_noir Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 What is your point? The point is that, supposedly, both of their spouses know of the affair. Yet here he is saying that they can't be out in the open. Conflicting statements. Both spouses probably suspect, but are being gaslit to oblivion. And still being blamed internally for "not knowing better"
NoIDidn't Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 The point is that, supposedly, both of their spouses know of the affair. Yet here he is saying that they can't be out in the open. Conflicting statements. Both spouses probably suspect, but are being gaslit to oblivion. And still being blamed internally for "not knowing better" And this is a pretty good point considering in the OP its noted that both spouses were "at work". So this was all done behind their backs. If I was leaving my marriage and my spouse knew I had a BF, there would be no reason for me to hide anything from them. It might hurt them to hear of me supporting the BF through a family situation, but there is no reason to hide it if you really are leaving and moving on.
starlight102 Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 The point is that, supposedly, both of their spouses know of the affair. Yet here he is saying that they can't be out in the open. Conflicting statements. Both spouses probably suspect, but are being gaslit to oblivion. And still being blamed internally for "not knowing better" He said in his previous post that his wife knew, but her husband did not.
Author SoMovinOn Posted January 5, 2011 Author Posted January 5, 2011 Link to your latest thread: Excellent point. Wait... what was your point?
half_ofa_heart Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 The point is that, supposedly, both of their spouses know of the affair. Yet here he is saying that they can't be out in the open. Conflicting statements. Both spouses probably suspect, but are being gaslit to oblivion. And still being blamed internally for "not knowing better" Not trying to "snarky" if that's even the right term but I clicked on that link and didn't see where he said that. Perhaps it was said in another post but I didn't see it in that one.
Author SoMovinOn Posted January 5, 2011 Author Posted January 5, 2011 Is there a chance her mom will not make it? ((((((((hugs)))))))) She's still in the hospital. It goes either way, depending on the day. Certainly, she's not going to ever just go home and live on her own again.
Author SoMovinOn Posted January 5, 2011 Author Posted January 5, 2011 Probably does suck' date=' though. Would her mom think something odd of you showing up to visit her in the hospital?[/quote'] No telling what her mom would think. I haven't seen her in years. Her mind doesn't work right all the time, so she might not have a clue who I was if I were to show up. The problem with me showing up to see her would be that it would most likely get back to MOW's H, which would require some explaining... not horrendous, but...
Author SoMovinOn Posted January 5, 2011 Author Posted January 5, 2011 The point is that, supposedly, both of their spouses know of the affair. Yet here he is saying that they can't be out in the open. Conflicting statements. Both spouses probably suspect, but are being gaslit to oblivion. And still being blamed internally for "not knowing better" Actually, her H knows nothing of our A. I am sure I never would have said otherwise. Perhaps you are confused because I have spent time hanging out with MOW & her H? ... he knows she and I are friends. He knows we had a relationship in the past. He has no idea we have one now, other than being friends.
datura_noir Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Actually, her H knows nothing of our A. I am sure I never would have said otherwise. Perhaps you are confused because I have spent time hanging out with MOW & her H? ... he knows she and I are friends. He knows we had a relationship in the past. He has no idea we have one now, other than being friends. hence the term "gaslighting" "we are just friends", "nothing is going on, why are you so suspicious?" She seems determined to keep her status quo
Author SoMovinOn Posted January 5, 2011 Author Posted January 5, 2011 And also, your username completely conflicts with your situation. What are you "so moving on" from? You seem in limbo, actually. SoMovinOn from my marriage. The original reason I came here. Please don't keep yourself and two people in limbo. It only adds to the pain. Do what you think, not feel, is right. I am doing what is most right for the current situation. It would be more "right" for my wife & I to physically split and get divorced, but it's not financially feasible at the moment, so, we stay together, she dates, I date, and, if we're both at home at the same time, we get along fine. She's doing what she needs to do for herself (counseling, getting a job, getting things together for when she moves out...). It's not ideal, but it is the best we can do right now. It would certainly be more "right" for mOW and I to not be having an A. It is a selfish choice. It's the most "right" for us right now. It would be better if she got a divorce. She's not ready for that. It's going to be a tough move for her because he will not likely handle it well. For all I know, maybe she'll never get a divorce. Maybe she'll decide to end the affair and stay with him. Don't know. I'm fine with whatever she decides. I love her enough to go away if that's what she wants. We could wait. Something could happen in the interim, one of us could die or something, and we'd miss each other again. I screwed this up a long time ago. I lost her for 30+ years. However selfish it is, however wrong it is... I'll take every minute I can get with her right now.
pureinheart Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 She's still in the hospital. It goes either way, depending on the day. Certainly, she's not going to ever just go home and live on her own again. I am so very sorry...please give her a hug for me...once again I am so sorry, my heart goes out to you guys...
Author SoMovinOn Posted January 5, 2011 Author Posted January 5, 2011 And this is a pretty good point considering in the OP its noted that both spouses were "at work". So this was all done behind their backs. Actually, my point was that she went home alone (because her spouse was still at work), and I went home alone (because my spouse was at work), and we sat alone, rather than being where we wanted to be - with each other. The fact that my W has a job has nothing to do with whether or not she knows I am dating. If I was leaving my marriage and my spouse knew I had a BF, there would be no reason for me to hide anything from them. It might hurt them to hear of me supporting the BF through a family situation, but there is no reason to hide it if you really are leaving and moving on. My W and I talk about who we are dating and what's going on in our lives all the time. I've always been fine with it, as I have every hope she meets someone wonderful, who loves her madly and cares for her and makes her happy. ... and I hope he lives alone in a nice house and she moves in with him. Soon. W did, however, admit to having some jealousy issues early on. She did a couple of dumb things. She got better, and I tell her less.
Author SoMovinOn Posted January 5, 2011 Author Posted January 5, 2011 hence the term "gaslighting" "we are just friends", "nothing is going on, why are you so suspicious?" She seems determined to keep her status quo Uh huh. So... you're trying to make the point that A's are generally deceitful and bad?
Ms. Red Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 What is your point? Excellent point. Wait... what was your point? He/she is doing this all over the forum. IDK, maybe they think they get some special kudos for a high post count or something? They only joined a month ago and have over 600 posts all ready. They have more posts than I do and I've been here 4 years. It's strange behavior to me. OP, I hope there is a good outcome with her mother or as close to one as possible. Also, don't you just love the way people post things as fact about your relationship based on guesses and poor reading comprehension?
NoIDidn't Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 Actually, my point was that she went home alone (because her spouse was still at work), and I went home alone (because my spouse was at work), and we sat alone, rather than being where we wanted to be - with each other. The fact that my W has a job has nothing to do with whether or not she knows I am dating. My W and I talk about who we are dating and what's going on in our lives all the time. I've always been fine with it, as I have every hope she meets someone wonderful, who loves her madly and cares for her and makes her happy. ... and I hope he lives alone in a nice house and she moves in with him. Soon. W did, however, admit to having some jealousy issues early on. She did a couple of dumb things. She got better, and I tell her less. Thanks. I saw the part where it was said that your W knew, but her H didn't. I left the computer for a moment and hadn't yet responded. That makes perfect sense as to not wanting to cause problems for her by seeing her mom now. I hope her mother recovers quickly.
pureinheart Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 He/she is doing this all over the forum. IDK, maybe they think they get some special kudos for a high post count or something? They only joined a month ago and have over 600 posts all ready. They have more posts than I do and I've been here 4 years. It's strange behavior to me. OP, I hope there is a good outcome with her mother or as close to one as possible. Also, don't you just love the way people post things as fact about your relationship based on guesses and poor reading comprehension? Thanks MR....that makes plenty of sense...doesn't it SMO...
Author SoMovinOn Posted January 5, 2011 Author Posted January 5, 2011 Also, don't you just love the way people post things as fact about your relationship based on guesses and poor reading comprehension? LOL! ... I hadn't noticed
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