thekid55 Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 (edited) Just wanted to get an opinion from the LS gang if this is a phase or a trend with my ex-girlfriend. We dated for 2.5 years and are seniors in college. We broke up seven weeks ago. It was a mutual split at the time because the relationship was starting to drag. We fell into the same routine, we started to have a lot of petty fights, and spent basically all of our free time together. After a few days though, I realized that I didn't want to lose her and just wanted to take more space. She didn't want that. Our relationship was great for a long time though. She confided in me a lot. I became her emotional rock, the person she'd always run to whenever she had a problem. She completely trusted me. Our families got along very well and she always told me that she'd want to marry me one day. Personally, I have it all together. I know what I want in life and what I want from life. I'm stable and secure. Just some background. After she totally screwed up her freshman year (finished with a 2.0 GPA, partied and hooked up a lot), she got her act together over the last two years when we dated. She broke away from the party phase and really started to think about what she wanted from life. She landed some really nice jobs and her grades began to soar. She was focused on starting her life and always told me that she saw herself with me long-term. Her family absolutely loved me and knew often times called us 'The Power Couple'. Her grandma told us that we were getting married in the near future. Well, since we've broken up, she has basically created a new life. She has new friends, has reverted back to the partying scene again (not hooking up with anyone though), and there's no rebound in the picture. She'll go out from Wednesday-Saturday when she never really did in the past. She likes going out, but she's not a heavy drinker. She has sporadically contacted me, but I've kept it brief after breaking down a few times after the breakup. She makes excuses to contact me. She lost her babysitting job and has confided in a friend that always envied our relationship. (This friend has never had a relationship for longer than a week). Basically, she has changed from a girl who has committed to working her tail off to get ahead in life (she's going to have monster debt when she graduates). She comes from a broken family and does have 'issues', suffice to say. I heard tonight that she was really rude to one of our mutual friends, a girl who was her first friend here at college. I don't think she wants any reminders from the past surfacing while she does what she does. Just wanted to know whether you think her behavior is a phase that she's going through because she's a senior or is it a scary trend for the future? I know that she cares about me and it's just hard to watch her go through whatever this is. Edited November 18, 2010 by thekid55
Author thekid55 Posted November 19, 2010 Author Posted November 19, 2010 Anyone wanna take a crack at this one?
iamawesome Posted November 19, 2010 Posted November 19, 2010 I personally think this is a phase, simply because that lifestyle is unsustainable. It's like a rebound lite, her way of coping and staying busy. The glamor of partying will wear off, just like a rebound. So here's my guess. Shes not ready to commit and probably has confidence issues. She wanted to "break the routine" and the only way to do that is to push the relationship to the next level, or to break it off. She probably hasn't came to terms with the person she has become versus the person she used to be. Mentally, she may not picture herself as "that person", so she indulges in past behaviors. Almost like relapsing. You are probably so steady and secure that you cast a big shadow and she may feel like shes constantly trying to meet your expectations, or play catch-up. Right now she's taking a break, re-examining what she wants and gaining her confidence back. Stick to NC, she has more growing to do. This is not a girl who knows what she wants out of life. She is having doubts. Let her be and don't wait around. My ex is doing the same thing. Sometimes they come back sometimes they don't...bottom line is she needs to get it out of her system.
Author thekid55 Posted November 19, 2010 Author Posted November 19, 2010 I personally think this is a phase, simply because that lifestyle is unsustainable. It's like a rebound lite, her way of coping and staying busy. The glamor of partying will wear off, just like a rebound. So here's my guess. Shes not ready to commit and probably has confidence issues. She wanted to "break the routine" and the only way to do that is to push the relationship to the next level, or to break it off. She probably hasn't came to terms with the person she has become versus the person she used to be. Mentally, she may not picture herself as "that person", so she indulges in past behaviors. Almost like relapsing. You are probably so steady and secure that you cast a big shadow and she may feel like shes constantly trying to meet your expectations, or play catch-up. Right now she's taking a break, re-examining what she wants and gaining her confidence back. Stick to NC, she has more growing to do. This is not a girl who knows what she wants out of life. She is having doubts. Let her be and don't wait around. My ex is doing the same thing. Sometimes they come back sometimes they don't...bottom line is she needs to get it out of her system. Yeah I'd agree with this assessment. This is basically what I'm leaning towards. Of course, you can never exactly know what someone is thinking. Both of us really needed a break from this relationship too. We became way too consumed with each other. We didn't really have that great of life outside of each other, which is unhealthy. There was a lot of love in our relationship and time is always on your side in situations like this. I've been in NC for about a week now.
Author thekid55 Posted November 19, 2010 Author Posted November 19, 2010 Well, I really miss my girl and this really sucks. I want to make things right, but NC is really my only option at this point. It's just terrible how someone can go from needing you to pretty much writing you off.. There's no rebound or anything, but I just miss my best friend a lot.
Tincup Posted November 19, 2010 Posted November 19, 2010 I remember when I was dating my now ex wife (many years ago). We dated all through college as a long distance relationship. Now my ex had a very dominant personality, and was an extrovert big time. Her last year in college she went through a heavy party period. It was almost life a mid life crisis (only she was 21). She lost weight, exercised, changed appearance, got new friends, the whole thing. We made it through that period and I proposed to her a couple years later. It was only at that time that she told me she hooked up with another guy during that period. I think for her it was a matter of she was about to "grow up" when she graduated and she didn't want to. I will add that she had the real mid life crisis 20 years later almost to the day. she started exercising, losing weight, new clothes, new friends...and yes, the affair.
iamawesome Posted November 19, 2010 Posted November 19, 2010 Just because she did it once, doesn't mean she will do it again, but I think Tincup does have a point. The bigger picture is understanding how someone deals with their problems and emotions. If she's not good with handling her emotions, you're going to have much bigger problems down the road and you'd be better off finding a better match for yourself. As for missing her. Just hit the gym. Love and exercise create the same chemicals in the brain. Those chemicals being endorphins. Exercise will also burn cortisol, the chemical responsible for stress. Get a good work out and let time do it's thing .
Author thekid55 Posted November 20, 2010 Author Posted November 20, 2010 My ex has also lost weight, gotten some new clothes, and a new set of friends. She has been going out, but not as often I think she is. I don't think she hooks up with other guys. I know that she's not in a relationship or dating. I do wonder if she thinks the same thing about me. Her and I never had issues with cheating or lying. Everything was always pretty much cut and dry. If either of us cheated, the other was finished. We've both been cheated on before and we know how it feels. I too, envisioned myself proposing to her in the next few years. She feels like the person I'm supposed to be with. However, there's nothing I can do to make her feel that way. I can only do things to push her away. And yes, I have been exercising. I've been in the gym. I try to run at least four times per week in between work and classes. The exercise is a big boost for how I feel about things and my overall confidence. I want things to become resolved, but I haven't heard from her. Yes, I've made my share of mistakes, but people do dumb things when they love another person. My real question is, she always rushed to my side whenever she needed support, love, etc. Now, I get nothing. Even when she's upset, nothing. Why the change?
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