sarebellum Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 Hi all: I just discovered your community after a rough few weeks, and reading through things has really helped. However, I have been unable to find a situation similar to mine, so I'm hoping you can provide me some advice. My boyfriend and I were together for 6 months, and everything was going GREAT! We hung out a few times a week and on the weekends, enjoyed doing the same things (both going places and "doing" things, and also just cooking together/doing nothing together). He would return my "I miss you"'s and "I can't wait to see you"'s, but he'd also initiate them plenty on his own. The Monday before we broke up was officially 6 months--he's the one who woke up and said "happy 6 months" first, that Wednesday, he impromptu asked me to go watch his little brother's football game (I met his dad and brother for the first time), and on Thursday when we went out to dinner for his birthday, he was making jokes about being less sarcastic when he would meet my parents for the first time at the end of this month. On Saturday we were supposed to go to dinner with his whole family for his birthday (I had already met his dad, brother, uncle, and cousin; the only people who would be there that I hadn't met yet were his sister and stepmom). When I texted him around noon to make sure he was up and it was a good time for me to come over, he replied that we needed to talk. When I immediately called him, he told me things just weren't working out and it felt forced. I went over on Sunday to talk it over in person and try and make sense of what happened (and to get all my stuff--MOST depressing thing in the world), and he didn't really have an answer for me (I know it's not that he was hiding it--I believe he honestly is confused). All he could say was that it wasn't working out, we aren't compatible, and that if I wasn't the most caring and genuine person he'd met, we probably would've ended 2 months earlier. I saw NO signs of this coming--it's not like he was pulling back and therefore this move was expected. He was all in....until he wasn't ( We even had plans to go see his grampa 3 weeks later (his idea), and he was going to come meet my extended family for a day over Christmas (again, his idea). He was making plans to go snowboarding with my brother in January, and really, it just doesn't make any sense. The only thing I could get to is that 1) he feels he's not good enough (his expression/nonverbal response when I asked him this let me know that I hit a nerve), and I'm thinking that introducing me to his family all together caused him to freak out at the thought of things getting serious. When I prompted him to figure out what's causing him to think we're incompatible and not working out, he said that he enjoys spending time together, likes it when I'm around, etc. I asked him if he felt forced to do things he didn't want to do (no), say things he didn't mean/didn't want to say (no), or if we were spending too much time together and he wished I wasn't there (no). So my questions to those of you who may have experience with something like this: 1)what do you think is the real reason behind him breaking up with me? Is this just him pushing me away, which is my gut feeling, or is there something I'm missing? 2) What can I do? I want a relationship with him, but I also need him to work out whatever issues are causing this behavior, because I need him to be able to communicate with me if we are to be together again. Upon my asking, he said that he didn't think we'd get back together but that he wouldn't rule anything out, and that he still wanted me in his life and wants to be friends. He didn't ask for space, but I told him I'd give it to him, but this is THE hardest thing I've done. I want him to know I'm still here for him, but I also told him that he needs to figure out what's motivating his feelings and that I hope he comes around and realizes that he wants, needs, and deserves me and the love I have to give him. He hasn't contacted me either, and even though I want to several times throughout the day, I hold myself back out of respect for him. But how long do I have to do this? Can I reach out just to let him know I'm thinking of him? This broken heart would really appreciate any advice--thank you so much in advance!
Am4Real Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 (edited) This broken heart would really appreciate any advice--thank you so much in advance! Dear SAREBELLUM, No one here will ever really know what is or was going on in your EX boyfriend’s head, we can only speculate and the speculation will drive you crazy as each and every suggestions may be plausible only to have you play out each one in your head until you’re turning in circles. Here is what you should do right now. Leave him alone. Do not contact him or bother with him in any way. I know this is asking much of you and all you want to do is call him right now and perhaps talk some sense into him. However whatever caused this unexpected behavior is likely bothering him as well, perhaps something as radical as meeting someone else or an old EX has reentered his life, etcetera Again, this is all speculation. By you staying clear of him, first and foremost you will begin the often referenced regiment of NO CONTACT. You can read much about in this forum and learn of the benefits along with actions designed to heal one’s self. Besides, it is possible your EX has something going on that given a little time may have him come around and want to talk it through with you. I would not count on this happening but the best chances are promoted when the DUMPER is left alone to miss the DUMPEE. Again, don’t bet on it and begin working on yourself first. One thing to consider…If you were both that into each other and he “was all the way in” as you mention and, there was truly not a sign of any undoing then his weird actions might be a sign of a character defect that will come to haunt you later in the relationship. I personally feel uneasy about a partner who would rather run than make an issue known and then return later to talk about the issue after imposing hurt and confusion. Something for you to think about. Keep us posted. Am4Real Edited November 18, 2010 by Am4Real
Ajax Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 Dear SAREBELLUM, No one here will ever really know what is or was going on in your EX boyfriend’s head, we can only speculate and the speculation will drive you crazy as each and every suggestions may be plausible only to have you play out each one in your head until you’re turning in circles. Exactly right. My ex broke up with me out of the blue about three months ago with the reason that she needed to "figure herself out." To me that was an ambiguous reason, and I didn't know what to believe since just a week before she'd been telling me how in love with me she was. For two months after the breakup I tried to find a reason for what might have happened. I made myself physically sick over it. i didn't eat or sleep and even now I still have trouble concentrating on things I need to do. Ultimately though with the help of mutual friends to talk to and Loveshack to guide me, I realized that I had done nothing to prompt her to leave. I had treated her as well as anyone could have. Whatever her reason for leaving was, i'm never going to know. Your ex clearly has issues that he needs to work out. And while you are willing to stand by him while he does this, he's decided that he needs to be alone. Maybe he's right, maybe he's wrong, but it was his decision to make. I know it hurts. And because there are so many unanswered questions it leaves you wondering if you could have done anything different, or if he'll be back. Take it from someone who's been there, these thought will only torture you. Do whatever you have to to start moving on with your life. You're not betraying him by letting go and moving forward. There will be ups and downs and it might get worse before it gets better, but it will get better.
Author sarebellum Posted November 18, 2010 Author Posted November 18, 2010 Thank you both for the advice. I know that I didn't do anything wrong, so this isn't a matter of beating myself up over that, and while I know I will never know the actual reasons behind the breakup (especially since he's not in touch with them, himself), it's just my analytical nature to try and figure it out. Things have slowly been getting better--definitely trying to let go of feeling the need to be in control, because I know that there's nothing I could do differently--these are his issues that he needs to deal with. I'm not advocating crazy-miserable-take-me-back-I-can't-live-without-you type of harassing contact, I was thinking more of just a "thinking of you and hope you're doing well" check-in in a few months. I appreciate your advice and support!
kaycstamper Posted November 20, 2010 Posted November 20, 2010 sarebellum, You've been given some good advice here, I concur. My fiance broke up with me out of the sky blue, totally blindsided me, never saw it coming. I, like you, hadn't done anything wrong, he always said he had a good time with me, he'd introduced me to everyone as his fiance, we'd been engaged for a year, then all of a sudden, whammo! I concluded that whatever his issues are, they are his. I've speculated until the cows come home, but still don't know what happened and as he won't tell me, I'll never know. All I know is, it wasn't me. It's him. They are his issues to deal with, it's his life to figure out. I have to concentrate on me now. I'm doing my best to heal, to figure out how to move on. It's really tough, but we have no choice. We have to take them seriously, we can't hang around and wait, they don't want that and it wouldn't be healthy for us. Apparently they aren't relationship material. You've already spoken with him, I'd let it go now...if it's to be, enough time has to take place for you to pull back and begin to heal emotionally, and for him to mature and figure out what it is he wants, and for him to make the move, and for him to let you know what happened and why so you can deal with it together, and then and only then will you be in a position to decide if you even want him back after all of this. I'd think long and hard first though because there's alot of others on here that will attest to having taking their partner back, only to get dumped again. It's too painful to be someone's yo-yo.
Author sarebellum Posted November 22, 2010 Author Posted November 22, 2010 Thanks for sharing your experience/perspective, kaycstamper. I've definitely come to the conclusion that the issues are his and know that if we are to have any chance together in the future, he needs to figure out 1) what issues caused this behavior, 2) what he is doing to resolve these issues, and 3) how he is going to let me in so that this doesn't happen again. It's just hard to see someone that you love hurting in this way that not only hurts you but hurts themselves even more. Getting stronger by the day--and I really appreciate the perspectives/feedback that you all have shared. Thank you!
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