Tom81 Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 Need some advice...and yes it's friendzone related, sorry another post about it. I'm pretty sure I'm friendzoned...but let's see what everyone thinks. A couple months ago this new girl started working at where I work and we hit it off. In case this is important, I'm 29 and she's 23. We chat all the time, have lunch together, text all the time (probably too much). We've hung out with others from work at happy hours and a couple parties...so much so people already I know are whispering and question what the deal is between the two of us. We've gone out alone together (not explicitly a date but as hanging out) to a few hockey games, dinner a couple times, and a few other occasions. Of course I haven't kissed her or told her how I feel or I wouldn't be making this post. Other things like her body language and other things would suggest she likes me...and the couple friends at work that I've told I like her say yes she's into you...make a move. We work directly with each other and I'm afraid of the awkwardness that would happen if she said no. So I haven't really said anything about how I feel...never been great at taking that next step. Because with all of the hot signals I also get a lot of cold signals from this girl which also says...hey you're just a friend. So am I too far along and in the dreaded friendship zone? I'm thinking yes and I've missed my chance with this girl. It just sucks because I still talk to her all the time and I'm super attracted to her and I really like her. Because it might be easier if I could, let's just say if I could just separate from everything and put distance between her and I, but work together all the time prevents that...so any advice or tips. Thanks!
welikeincrowds Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 Don't worry about where you are now. Concern yourself with your next step. Do you know if she's seeing anyone?
USMCHokie Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 This is a situation I was kind of in a couple years ago...but I knew she had a boyfriend at the time who lived in another state...so I essentially became her "gay friend"...we'd hang out alone together, go to dinner, get drinks in town, etc...I never made a move and was fine just rocking the friend zone...I heart the friend zone... But as welike said, you should definitely find out if she's single. You've already been on "dates" already, and it's fairly obvious that she's comfortable and has fun with you... Have you ever just tried kissing her during/after a "date"...?
Author Tom81 Posted November 18, 2010 Author Posted November 18, 2010 I like how you use "date" in parentheses...because that's what they are, haha. I know for sure she is single...but from what another friend told me who inquired about her past relationships, he said she might be hung up on a guy though (not sure about this one though). But yeah she's not seeing anyone now. No I haven't gone in for a kiss. I mean we flirt a lot and there is playful punching and other light touching. Body language is positive...just not good at capitalizing I guess.
welikeincrowds Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 I know for sure she is single... Is that because you asked her, or just found out? It might be worth it to you to ask her directly, as a segue toward asking her out on a ~rEaL DaTe~. Look, you're gonna need some balls sooner or later. Either you're direct about your intentions and you ask her to go out on a date, or you take her out to drinks or something, under the same pretenses as you have had all along, and sneak in a kiss. I think you should go with the former approach -- because either way you will be risking rejection, but with the former I feel you will have less risk of miscommunication -- but I think those are your only options if you want to move this forward.
sanskrit Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 (edited) It's never too late to get your answer, stop worrying here and commit to getting physical with her. If she wonders why the fast change, tell her someone had been slipping saltpeter in your food and it dulled your sex drive, but you found the culprit and are fine now. Should be good for a laugh. The biggest thing you have to overcome in this type of situation is "big dealitude" letting your halfway tentative behavior send out signals that crossing the line with her is a "big deal." That's where many of these friendzone situations culminate. It's just your hand on her waist, you leaning into her, you kissing her, most natural thing in the world. Lead with attitude, if she thinks you think it's a big deal, it will become one for her, if not, you will quickly find out if she finds you physically attractive. If not, good for you, you needn't waste time "dating" someone who isn't into you. If she is attracted, she will respond favorably, again good for you. There is no mystery, nor much you can do to sway things either way, just get it out there without talking about it and let the chips fall. Also don't worry about "the right moment," that creates "big dealitude." Tell her she is driving you crazy in that outfit and tell her to "give you some sugar" as you grin and put your face close enough where she doesn't have to lean in too much. If she pulls some "eww I thought we were just friends" BS, just say "my mistake" with a smile, nothing more, and never pout or act like you are put off, and move onto the next. If she is attracted, -she- will come around very quickly after that bad reaction and initiate with signals or out and out jumping you. If not, well you have your answer. And next time, always make it completely clear that your interest in a woman is sexual before starting up with her and investing lots of time. Good luck. Edited November 18, 2010 by sanskrit
Surrealist Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 I had an ongoing flirting situation going on with a work colleague who was here where I work who was a 22 years old, now 23 years, and has moved temporarily to live and work in London. You're not from London by any chance are you with a cute brunette from Australia being the girl in concern lol?
Seamless74 Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 Dude I feel ya.. Ive got the same type thing going on at work with this girl. I mean she has a live in boyfriend that she kinda hot cold with, and this other dude in our training class texts her all the time takes her to lunch (and pays) and also sometimes they go to basketball games and stuff solo.. He also even bought items for her to decorate her desk at work.,. I cant totally figure it out I mean by all outward appearances I think hes still in the friendzone I was at first gonna try and make moves but with her boyfriend and this joker trying to smother her all the time, I think she might be just an attention whore or just this new breed of girl that likes to hang out with platonic guys all the time.. In my opinion bro when its there you shouldnt have any doubt... U know just because she laughs with you hangs out with you flirts alittle honestly doesnt mean squat.. If your still getting cold signals those are the ones id key on... why are you getting any at all if shes so into you u know?? plus man kinda sucks being the dude at work that plays with her all day then she goes home and sucks off another dude all night and you just provide her with validation all day... beware
Author Tom81 Posted November 18, 2010 Author Posted November 18, 2010 So i don't definitely know if she's single, but she's mentioned a couple ex's in conversation. I'm pretty sure she's single though...that's not a concern. I mean one night around halloween I went to her house (she's still at her parents place...saving money) and we carving pumpkins and stuff. Felt really weird like we were already dating but that's for sure what we are not doing. It was kind of awkward...well for me at least. I've met her parents a few times and they were there when we were carving pumpkins. So she's comfortable there...but that could also be friend-ish as well. I also have to think that she knows that I like her...and I think it would be mean for her to keep on hanging out/going on "dates" with me. But she could be one of those girls that likes the attention and stuff. I think I just need help on how to tell her how I feel...as I don't want to stay in this weird limbo place that I'm at right now. Thanks for all of the feedback so far too.
sanskrit Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 I think I just need help on how to tell her how I feel...as I don't want to stay in this weird limbo place that I'm at right now. Thanks for all of the feedback so far too. Take a lesson from Liza Doolittle here. Don't tell her, -show- her. Talk is cheap. Get sparks in motion, when she punches you playfully, or touches you in any way, grab her around the waist and bury your head in her hair, tell her you are doing it as an excuse to smell her hair and laugh. Don't let her go until she relaxes into your arms a bit. IMO, you are going to need to act a bit horny with this one, or rather BE horny and show it. Never be ashamed to show natural, respectful sexual interest.
dispatch3d Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 yeah don't tell her anything. Just go slow and steady, if she stops you then chill. 2 months is a long time. You are getting attached seeing a girl for that long without anything physical. I definitely would have did this at the 1 month stage at the latest, preferably much earlier. If this doesn't work out it is very important you cut contact with her for your own health. Don't remain "just friends" or buy into anything she may attempt to sell you. Hopefully she's not like that.
Eeyore79 Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 Instead of trying to read signals, just tell her you like her and ask her out. Don't be a dick if she says no though. I was in a similar situation once - had a bf, and also a male friend who I hung out with a lot. He was just a friend to me; I didn't think I acted interested, and he knew I had a bf so I figured he knew where he stood. When I split with my bf, my friend asked me out, and I said no. He was crushed cos he'd read my friendship signals wrongly, and he acted like a prick - was really nasty to me and stopped being my friend, which made me feel like the whole time he was just pretending to be my friend cos he wanted to get into my panties. So yeah - tell her how you feel, but be decent about it if she doesn't feel the same.
Author Tom81 Posted November 19, 2010 Author Posted November 19, 2010 Yeah, lately I've been getting the feeling she doesn't like me how I like her. Just pisses me off that she would keep on hanging out with me like that...I mean she has to know I like her. I mean all of the hanging out/"dates" have been initiated by me...she has said, hey you wanna do this or hang out. Probably should have been an indication I guess. I'm going to try to back away some...which might be a little difficult since we work together. I just need to learn to not put myself in this friend zone category. Confidence when it comes to taking the next step is something I really lack and I'm not good at unfortunately
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