Woggle Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 I am finally at a place in my life where I can accept that some women are trustworthy. I can let my guard down without feeling like a doormat and that I am letting women walk all over me. It was not easy but I am starting to find a balance between the old me and the post divorce me. That being said would I be here if I did not say the hell with women after my divorce? To me what that phase did for me was undo all the self hatred that had been beaten into me from a young age. I excelled at my job which has come full circle since I am working for my old boss again and I gained a strength I never knew I had. I pretty much rebuilt my house to the point where it has tripled in value. I also learned to never be a doormat for a woman ever again. If a woman ever were to betray me or mistreat me in any way I will walk. I put self respect above all. I am not saying it is good to generalize an entire gender but was this phase something that had to happen for me to become a stronger person?
TaraMaiden Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 Given your situation, I would say, perhaps not necessary, but definitely understandable. Different people deal with different circumstances in different ways. you dealt with yours in a way which protected you. Sometimes, the self-protective measures we use, are not our 'best friends'. But they're all we've got. How do you feel, with this new-found acknowledgement?
Author Woggle Posted November 18, 2010 Author Posted November 18, 2010 I feel great. I destroyed and rebuilt myself.
xpaperxcutx Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 In answer to your question, I really don't know. When I first joined LS, I was already familiar with your " slandering" posts. But I also have seen little changes in them recently that spoke more objective views than personal bias. For that, I say kudos. Let's hope you continue to heal.
Eeyore79 Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 It's natural to feel angry for a while after something bad happens. I went through a very long phase of being unable to have a loving relationship, because someone had broken my heart and made me incapable of loving anyone else. Eventually I found myself, gained some self respect and learned not to be a doormat for bad men, and I was finally able to be in a loving relationship with a decent man. I don't know if my phase of being unable to love and trust men was necessary for me to become a stronger person. I think I needed to change from being a doormat into being a self respecting person, and it took me that amount of time to change myself and to heal after being hurt. It took the longest time for me to actually realise what the problem was - I was blaming the bad men who mistreated me, when really it was (at least partly) my fault for allowing it to happen and not having enough self respect to walk away. Now I have enough self esteem to realise that I deserve better, and I will walk away if someone doesn't treat me decently.
D-Lish Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 Given your history, it's understandable. I don't think you ever would have chosen a woman like your ex-wife to marry had you been raised by a healthy female role model. As upset as I would get by some of the generalizations you've made, it really made sense after you talked about your mother and what kind of woman she is. Given how you were raised, coupled with your experiences with your first wife- I think you've done a wonderous job working through this. Most people would never have the insight or the fortitude to strip down and rebuild the way you have. I think it's something to be extremely proud of.
kiss_andmakeup Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 I don't have much insight to offer, but I'm happy for you Woggle. :]
Author Woggle Posted November 18, 2010 Author Posted November 18, 2010 Given your history, it's understandable. I don't think you ever would have chosen a woman like your ex-wife to marry had you been raised by a healthy female role model. As upset as I would get by some of the generalizations you've made, it really made sense after you talked about your mother and what kind of woman she is. Given how you were raised, coupled with your experiences with your first wife- I think you've done a wonderous job working through this. Most people would never have the insight or the fortitude to strip down and rebuild the way you have. I think it's something to be extremely proud of. Thank you. I hate when people make generalizations about men so I realize that I sound just as bad when I make generalizations the other way. I just don't see any other way I could have ended up at this point though.
D-Lish Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 Thank you. I hate when people make generalizations about men so I realize that I sound just as bad when I make generalizations the other way. I just don't see any other way I could have ended up at this point though. Well, I've been there done that too Woggle. I had a marriage that went bad, and I have had a long road to recovery. I also had supportive and wonderful parents growing up- something you didn't have. You've come a hell of a lot farther than I have with more odds against you. You've been through hell and back and you're developing into a better person because of it. So many people don't. You should be super proud of yourself.
Author Woggle Posted November 18, 2010 Author Posted November 18, 2010 Well, I've been there done that too Woggle. I had a marriage that went bad, and I have had a long road to recovery. I also had supportive and wonderful parents growing up- something you didn't have. You've come a hell of a lot farther than I have with more odds against you. You've been through hell and back and you're developing into a better person because of it. So many people don't. You should be super proud of yourself. Thank you. I appreciate that. Going through all that drama just makes me appreciate what I have even more now. Some boring pleasantness is actually a welcome change.
D-Lish Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 Thank you. I appreciate that. Going through all that drama just makes me appreciate what I have even more now. Some boring pleasantness is actually a welcome change. Well you actually struck a nerve with me the other day when you said you were happy I was giving a good guy a chance, and you didn't think I had it in me! Your comment kicked me in the ass. If you can find loving feelings again, after having your heart ripped out as a little boy- I can too. You made me realize that my issues were insignificant given what you went through with your mom. It's probably ironic, but a mysogyinist dude kicked me in the ass enough to give a good dude a chance.
Author Woggle Posted November 18, 2010 Author Posted November 18, 2010 I am happy I can help. If I can trust somebody of the opposite sex after being cheated on, having false rape and abuse accusations thrown at me in court and being shot at then you can also let down the wall.
zengirl Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 I am finally at a place in my life where I can accept that some women are trustworthy. I can let my guard down without feeling like a doormat and that I am letting women walk all over me. It was not easy but I am starting to find a balance between the old me and the post divorce me. That being said would I be here if I did not say the hell with women after my divorce? To me what that phase did for me was undo all the self hatred that had been beaten into me from a young age. I excelled at my job which has come full circle since I am working for my old boss again and I gained a strength I never knew I had. I pretty much rebuilt my house to the point where it has tripled in value. I also learned to never be a doormat for a woman ever again. If a woman ever were to betray me or mistreat me in any way I will walk. I put self respect above all. I am not saying it is good to generalize an entire gender but was this phase something that had to happen for me to become a stronger person? Necessary? I'm not sure I'd go with that. An understandable path? Of course. I'm glad that you're happier now, Woggle. All that bitterness really hurts the person who's bitter more than anyone else, so it's good to let it go and realize you can trust, especially since you have a good wife now from everything you've said. When dealing with any human beings, it is good to put dignity and self-respect (not pride, as pride is terrible) in the forefront; no one who really cares for you will put your dignity in any danger (pride is a different story; people will quite accidentally upset pride all day long). That's completely healthy and not bitterness----just good sense.
TaraMaiden Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 Thank you. I appreciate that. Going through all that drama just makes me appreciate what I have even more now. Some boring pleasantness is actually a welcome change. Could you clarify as to why you would consider pleasantness 'boring'...? I merely ask......
denise_xo Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 I feel great. I destroyed and rebuilt myself. Great to hear - I'm happy for you, Woggle.
GorillaTheater Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 Could you clarify as to why you would consider pleasantness 'boring'...? I merely ask...... I can answer for myself, if not for Woggle: a person can go through such periods of trauma/drama that "boring" is no longer an epithet, but rather a nice alternative.
sumdude Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 (edited) Could you clarify as to why you would consider pleasantness 'boring'...? I merely ask...... Hmmm. speaking for myself I tend to be attracted to drama queens. Kinda the inverse of a woman who is too often attracted to 'bad boys' who treat them poorly. They're exciting and rarely boring but not always the best mates. Even more ironic is the woman I've sorta been pining for since she broke up with me is a semi drama queen who's been getting put through the wringer now by a 'bad boy'. Guess I wasn't exciting enough to feed her need for drama. Life is too funny if you look at it the right way. Wogs, good for you. I know that my path may not have been quite as intense as yours but I felt and thought a lot of the same things to a lesser degree. Edited November 18, 2010 by sumdude
Author Woggle Posted November 18, 2010 Author Posted November 18, 2010 Some people consider peace and contentment to be boring while I love it. I have fun but life is very peaceful right now.
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