Either he tells her, or I will

[blinded_27]

Okay. I'm debating on this right now.

 

Some of you may have skimmed through my story here.

 

Story summed up, his wife (whom he was supposedly separated from) and I had a nice long chat after he messed up and I went over to his place one night to surprise him... hahahah SURPRISE. He says he's in love with both of us, blah blah blah, and he says he wants to make things work with her.

 

FINE. We go NC for about 3 days. Of course he contacts me. Says he misses me and loves me and still doesn't know what he wants to do.

 

BLAH. Fine. Stupidly, I'm still so in love with him, so I agree to be friends. Which isn't working out because we're still hooking up each time we're together.

 

Here is the problem, even though his wife is now fully moved out, she just moved into a new place this weekend and he is moving into his own place at the end of the month, SHE still thinks they're trying to work things out while staying separated for a while. He sees her a few times a week. She thinks I'm completely out of his life. Little does she know he comes to see me all the time and he texts me all day long.

 

I know it sounds awful, I know I need to walk away and let them sort it out, but he says he wants to be alone for a while to figure out what he wants to do. UGH. I'm prepared for the flames to come at me from some readers here.... but many of you also know how hard this is.

 

So my dilemma is that I really feel he should tell her that he's still confused about whether he wants to be with me or her. I feel that because her and I have already talked about the affair, and now that she thinks it's over and everything is roses again, that she needs to know the truth about what's happening again. This isn't meant to be malicious in any way, I do feel for her, but I thought about what I would want if I was in her shoes, and I would DEFINITELY want to know if I was being lied to again by my husband who is still in love with someone else.

 

Good idea? Bad idea? I really want to give him the choice tonight.... I'm sure this will not end well.... oyeeee...

[maravilla]

Okay. First of all, when it comes to YOU, I don't think this is a good idea because it keeps you embroiled in his drama. Look, he had a chance to choose you as his first-place and only-place woman, and he didn't. So why do you still want him? Kick him to the curb and move on!

 

Next, I understand about thinking she should know her husband is 'in love with someone else.' BUT. I'm sorry but I disagree that he loves both of you. I don't think that what he feels for you is real love. Yeah he has strong emotions to you but it's almost like an addition or craving the excitement and drama.

 

So, if you are really concerned with her and how she is feeling and what she deserves... if you walk away, he will likely stay with her, the one he promised to be with forever, and she can choose whether to keep him or not. She already knows he had an affair with you. I'm sure she has some idea it's still been ongoing. If she wants to stay with him, then likely she just wants him to stop seeing you. That's how my xMM's wife was, at least as portrayed by my MM and also just knowing the status of what was going on with them. She wanted him to stop seeing me and said there was no chance of them working on things while he was still communicating with me (and she was right). I, like you, started to empathize with her and feel guilty and wonder what I would want done if the shoes was on the other foot. That was part of the reason I walked, because if he didn't make the absolute choice to get divorced and be with me, then I was allowing him to have his cake and eat it too, and it also wasn't fair to her. I think that if they are undecided they should stay married and figure out whatever it is in their marriage that makes them want to leave, or stay, independent of the third party. Otherwise you have two women pulling on MM to get him to go with each of them, and that's not going to solve anything.

 

So if you really do care about the wife knowing he's still seeing you, just step out of the picture, and then the wife won't have anything to worry about.

 

I do understand how you feel - for me the issue is more about revenge, and/or about making him own up to what he has done to both of us. I do think of telling him this same thing, you tell her or I will, because she deserves to know and you deserve to PAY, darn it! But then I think, well, that just shows I still care about him, and it keeps me stuck on him, when really I want to move totally on. I'm sure his wife knows he's a liar - I figured that out in a few months and she's had to be married to him forever. And, like in your case, xMM's wife knows about me, so she knows there has been an affair and clearly has reason to suspect an affair's ongoing. Think about it this way - if you do this you may be confirming for the wife that the affair is over! I imagine my xMM telling his wife, I never see her or talk to her, and she's like, yeah right, I can't trust you. For me that is better punishment against him than me calling her up and being like, well the affair's over but I just think you should know how long exactly it went on for!

 

Hope I'm making sense, and helping. I really would suggest just focusing on yourself and not xMM or his wife. They have enough problems and you don't want to be dragged back into them or make them worse. Good luck.

[Mimolicious]

What you seem to fail to realize is that you ARE in her shoes. You speak with a sense of assurance and status, that I actually find weird and funny at the same time. It's boderline arrogant that you can say "Little does she know". This can be said to you too! Little do YOU know. Why do you feel like you are getting the whole truth from him? Last time you comfronted his W, you also looked like a fool because you discovered that he had lied to you too.

 

 

You keep on saying "I need to stay out of it", "I need to this, that" but you do none of it, totally the contrary. Do you get a joy ride out of this?

 

This story flip-flops a lot too. Now his W got an apt and all. Wasnt she just at his place searching on the net for one like few days ago? I wonder...

[greengoddess]

What you seem to fail to realize is that you ARE in her shoes. You speak with a sense of assurance and status, that I actually find weird and funny at the same time. It's boderline arrogant that you can say "Little does she know". This can be said to you too! Little do YOU know. Why do you feel like you are getting the whole truth from him? Last time you comfronted his W, you also looked like a fool because you discovered that he had lied to you too.

 

 

You keep on saying "I need to stay out of it", "I need to this, that" but you do none of it, totally the contrary. Do you get a joy ride out of this?

 

This story flip-flops a lot too. Now his W got an apt and all. Wasnt she just at his place searching on the net for one like few days ago? I wonder...

 

Yup the wife probably threw his butt out or left his butt and he is making it look like he separated to find himself while he is trying to worm his way back into the wifes heart at the same time as whispering sweet nothings to blinded.

 

Why are you acccepting this? They are seperated so why is it ok to you that he continues seeing her? Why are you allowing him to have both of you? He has no excuses. They separated. He is lying to you in case the wife does not take him back.

[endlessness]

This is just... messed up. Honestly, I think it's time for you to make the healthy choice since he clearly cannot. It's clearly all about winning the final prize, the MM, for you at this point, and that's understandable. So you are hoping that if you contact her, she will back off and end it with him for good. But, even so, you will still be left with a narcissistic liar on your hands. You can't make this decision for him; if there is any chance of anything meaningful transpiring from this A, he has to consciously CHOOSE to be with you; not settle for you as the next best thing because one of the parties is out of the race.

 

I think it's time to recover your dignity from this rubble and walk away.

[Mimolicious]

This is just... messed up. Honestly, I think it's time for you to make the healthy choice since he clearly cannot. It's clearly all about winning the final prize, the MM, for you at this point, and that's understandable. So you are hoping that if you contact her, she will back off and end it with him for good. But, even so, you will still be left with a narcissistic liar on your hands. You can't make this decision for him; if there is any chance of anything meaningful transpiring from this A, he has to consciously CHOOSE to be with you; not settle for you as the next best thing because one of the parties is out of the race.

 

I think it's time to recover your dignity from this rubble and walk away.

 

 

Gotta love it! How someone inserts themselves in your M and tell you to "back off". LMAO! Sorry, I had to really laugh because it happens every 5 minutes, but it is absurd! It'll never end.

[Carrot2000]

I say tell her because MM will get angry, dump you and never speak to you again. This way, you'll finally be out of this mess once and for all.

[D-Lish]

I'm assuming you feel that telling her will remove her form the picture? She's already accepted him back knowing he's a cheater- I doubt this time will be different.

 

This guy keeps going back and forth between you because you both let him. In that sense, both you and his wife are participating as part of the problem.

 

Be a strong woman and just say NO to all of this. Recognize you deserve better and walk away in spite of the pain. He's only getting away with this because he can- both you and his ex wife are making it really easy for him.

[woinlove]

This isn't meant to be malicious in any way, I do feel for her, but I thought about what I would want if I was in her shoes, and I would DEFINITELY want to know if I was being lied to again by my husband who is still in love with someone else.

 

Are you sure that is what you would want? I think most women in her shoes would want you to stop hooking up with their husband.

 

If you are not really interested in what his wife wants, I'd suggest you stop thinking about what she might want, and think about whether you really want to continue being so involved in their marriage, which might survive and which might not, but is sure to be a roller coaster for quite some time.

[whichwayisup]

Do it and regret it. He will hate you for talking to his wife.

 

You love him, then let him go. He is messed up, so forcing him to choose by putting a gun to his head, threatening him is not the way to go. End it and say goodbye. If he truly wants to be with you, he'll do everything possible to end his marriage and be with you once divorced. until then, stay out of his life.

 

He is playing you both, so it seems. you have NO idea what he is telling his wife, so don't assume that they are separated. He could be the one begging her to stay.. Unless you're a fly on their wall, don't assume.

[blinded_27]

Hey guys,

 

Thanks for all the feedback.

 

I ended it tonight. We went out with our group of mutual friends and everything was fine, he came back to my place to grab something and was going to leave but I sat him down and asked him what he thought about his wife knowing about us.

 

He said he would tell her, but I said I didn't believe he would and he got mad at me. (He's on this whole "I'm not going to lie anymore because it always gets me into ****" phase... which I think is still BS but whatever).

 

He says he still wants to be friends but not hook up anymore (yeah right) and at the same time he still gets to see her and hang out with her one on one.

 

So I told him I wouldn't be able to handle that and told him I'm walking away from him, and our friendship.

 

*SIGH* I feel really sad right now... this SUCKS. He's moving in with a mutual friend of ours too at the end of the month, which was with my help... I'm regretting that now. Fahkkkk.

[MorningCoffee]

Hey guys,

 

Thanks for all the feedback.

 

I ended it tonight. We went out with our group of mutual friends and everything was fine, he came back to my place to grab something and was going to leave but I sat him down and asked him what he thought about his wife knowing about us.

 

He said he would tell her, but I said I didn't believe he would and he got mad at me. (He's on this whole "I'm not going to lie anymore because it always gets me into ****" phase... which I think is still BS but whatever).

 

He says he still wants to be friends but not hook up anymore (yeah right) and at the same time he still gets to see her and hang out with her one on one.

 

So I told him I wouldn't be able to handle that and told him I'm walking away from him, and our friendship.

 

*SIGH* I feel really sad right now... this SUCKS. He's moving in with a mutual friend of ours too at the end of the month, which was with my help... I'm regretting that now. Fahkkkk.

 

Good for YOU! 'cause no matter how this all plays out, you have stood up for YOU and said what is and what is not acceptable.

 

So now, it is a question of holding firm to those boundaries, on behalf of yourself and nobody else.

 

Best wishes.

[endlessness]

Of course you're sad - you just ended a significant, emotionally charged relationship - and you're likely to feel that way for some time. Don't be discouraged by the road to recovery because, in time, you will appreciate the fact that you chose the most honourable of all options available to you at this point; you CHOSE to end a relationship that wasn't working, as opposed to trying to control all the parties involved, which would have proven to be futile in the end and only caused more hurt for you and everybody else. Acknowledge that despite the strong urge to cause pain and destruction, you showed a strength of character by simply withdrawing without making a nasty scene. And that's the most powerful and sound statement you could make in this situation.

[Pokemon]

Sounds like he didn't start his marriage off the right foot, and it's probably going to end anyway.

 

BUT, it may take months, years, you never know?

 

You know how some relationships are bound to end? It just takes time for all the love-feelings to weather through before they can finally make the break. I say that in regard to his marriage and also to your relationship to him.

[Woman In Blue]

I think no matter what anyone tells you, you're going to continue clinging to this complete a*sshole hoping for a miracle - and probably will for years to come. You seem to have no boundaries whatsoever when it comes to allowing this weasel to continually disrespect you, lie to you, CON you, gaslight you, and every other rotten thing one human can do to another. The guy's a hot mess and you keep coming back for more.

 

Seriously - where's your pride and dignity?

[Fieldsofgold]

Okay. I'm debating on this right now.

 

Some of you may have skimmed through my story here.

 

Story summed up, his wife (whom he was supposedly separated from) and I had a nice long chat after he messed up and I went over to his place one night to surprise him... hahahah SURPRISE. He says he's in love with both of us, blah blah blah, and he says he wants to make things work with her.

 

FINE. We go NC for about 3 days. Of course he contacts me. Says he misses me and loves me and still doesn't know what he wants to do.

 

BLAH. Fine. Stupidly, I'm still so in love with him, so I agree to be friends. Which isn't working out because we're still hooking up each time we're together.

 

Here is the problem, even though his wife is now fully moved out, she just moved into a new place this weekend and he is moving into his own place at the end of the month, SHE still thinks they're trying to work things out while staying separated for a while. He sees her a few times a week. She thinks I'm completely out of his life. Little does she know he comes to see me all the time and he texts me all day long.

 

I know it sounds awful, I know I need to walk away and let them sort it out, but he says he wants to be alone for a while to figure out what he wants to do. UGH. I'm prepared for the flames to come at me from some readers here.... but many of you also know how hard this is.

 

So my dilemma is that I really feel he should tell her that he's still confused about whether he wants to be with me or her. I feel that because her and I have already talked about the affair, and now that she thinks it's over and everything is roses again, that she needs to know the truth about what's happening again. This isn't meant to be malicious in any way, I do feel for her, but I thought about what I would want if I was in her shoes, and I would DEFINITELY want to know if I was being lied to again by my husband who is still in love with someone else.

 

Good idea? Bad idea? I really want to give him the choice tonight.... I'm sure this will not end well.... oyeeee...

 

Well, I'm a little late in responding, but I would tell her. When I was a BW, I would have given almost anything to know the truth.

 

It always amuses/sickens me when the WS and OW decide to keep the BW in the dark "to protect her" or "so she won't be hurt."

 

If you talk to her, just do it in a respectful manner, and brace yourself for any

torrent she may unleash on you.

[Fieldsofgold]

I should have gone back and read your story before posting a reply. Now I have.

 

I agree with everyone else . . . Walk, don't run, away from this piece of work. Get some help for yourself -- IC.

[endlessness]

Well, I'm a little late in responding, but I would tell her. When I was a BW, I would have given almost anything to know the truth.

 

It always amuses/sickens me when the WS and OW decide to keep the BW in the dark "to protect her" or "so she won't be hurt."

 

If you talk to her, just do it in a respectful manner, and brace yourself for any

torrent she may unleash on you.

 

I thought the same in my A. If it were me, I would want to know. But I realized that, no matter how I mask it, my desire to tell the W came out of selfish considerations. I wanted to cause him pain, just like he did to me. So until I can honestly say that I care with all my heart about that poor girl who rears his children, I think I should mind my own business. Eventually, the truth will come to light on its own. From what I see, she seems to think she's living a happy life. So let her have her fantasy. It's not my place to play God.

[blinded_27]

Good for YOU! 'cause no matter how this all plays out, you have stood up for YOU and said what is and what is not acceptable.

 

So now, it is a question of holding firm to those boundaries, on behalf of yourself and nobody else.

 

Best wishes.

 

Thank you I'm holding firm so far. Day 1 has almost passed. On to day 2.

 

Of course you're sad - you just ended a significant, emotionally charged relationship - and you're likely to feel that way for some time. Don't be discouraged by the road to recovery because, in time, you will appreciate the fact that you chose the most honourable of all options available to you at this point; you CHOSE to end a relationship that wasn't working, as opposed to trying to control all the parties involved, which would have proven to be futile in the end and only caused more hurt for you and everybody else. Acknowledge that despite the strong urge to cause pain and destruction, you showed a strength of character by simply withdrawing without making a nasty scene. And that's the most powerful and sound statement you could make in this situation.

I thought the same in my A. If it were me, I would want to know. But I realized that, no matter how I mask it, my desire to tell the W came out of selfish considerations. I wanted to cause him pain, just like he did to me. So until I can honestly say that I care with all my heart about that poor girl who rears his children, I think I should mind my own business. Eventually, the truth will come to light on its own. From what I see, she seems to think she's living a happy life. So let her have her fantasy. It's not my place to play God.

 

Thanks for your encouragement! I definitely feel much better about NC this time around because I was able to make the choice myself this time... I already feel less stressed out, I know he was meeting up with his wife tonight, and for the first time ever, I don't care. And you're right... who am I to play god as well. She knows the entire story already before the recent events. I'll let her draw her own conclusions from here on.

 

Sounds like he didn't start his marriage off the right foot, and it's probably going to end anyway.

 

BUT, it may take months, years, you never know?

 

You know how some relationships are bound to end? It just takes time for all the love-feelings to weather through before they can finally make the break. I say that in regard to his marriage and also to your relationship to him.

Oh yes, I'm sure his marriage will end eventually, and if he doesn't come running back to me first he'll find someone else. He claims to be shy with low self esteem, but he was certainly charming enough to keep reeling me back in every time I tried to run away from him. That's fine, he can deal with his own drama. I'm glad I don't have to deal with HIS issues anymore. lol

 

Seriously - where's your pride and dignity?

I found it. Last night. It's slowly coming back to me!

 

I should have gone back and read your story before posting a reply. Now I have.

 

I agree with everyone else . . . Walk, don't run, away from this piece of work. Get some help for yourself -- IC.

 

Thanks for your reply! I think I'll be okay without counseling though lol... I have a fantastic family and a great circle of friends to help me through this, even though they are all 5 hours away from me, I know they're there for me any time of the day and any hour of the night.

 

 

I'm sure I'm coming into this late, but just wanted to say that him saying he wants to be alone simply means that he's not commiting to either of you right now. He's certainly NOT alone. He's still got BOTH of you whenever he wants.

 

Now as far as telling, I think I would tell. Now I'm going to read the rest of this thread and see what happened

Yeah, I KNOW!!!! I got upset with him last night before breaking it off because he keeps saying he needs to be alone... yet he was still seeing the both of us. He wanted to maintain a friendship with me, or basically have me wait around while he tried to decide who he wants to be with... he really had me eating out of the palm of his hand. Not anymore. Thank goodness for that!!!

[phillyfan]

Okay. I'm debating on this right now.

 

Some of you may have skimmed through my story here.

 

Story summed up, his wife (whom he was supposedly separated from) and I had a nice long chat after he messed up and I went over to his place one night to surprise him... hahahah SURPRISE. He says he's in love with both of us, blah blah blah, and he says he wants to make things work with her.

 

FINE. We go NC for about 3 days. Of course he contacts me. Says he misses me and loves me and still doesn't know what he wants to do.

 

BLAH. Fine. Stupidly, I'm still so in love with him, so I agree to be friends. Which isn't working out because we're still hooking up each time we're together.

 

Here is the problem, even though his wife is now fully moved out, she just moved into a new place this weekend and he is moving into his own place at the end of the month, SHE still thinks they're trying to work things out while staying separated for a while. He sees her a few times a week. She thinks I'm completely out of his life. Little does she know he comes to see me all the time and he texts me all day long.

 

I know it sounds awful, I know I need to walk away and let them sort it out, but he says he wants to be alone for a while to figure out what he wants to do. UGH. I'm prepared for the flames to come at me from some readers here.... but many of you also know how hard this is.

 

So my dilemma is that I really feel he should tell her that he's still confused about whether he wants to be with me or her. I feel that because her and I have already talked about the affair, and now that she thinks it's over and everything is roses again, that she needs to know the truth about what's happening again. This isn't meant to be malicious in any way, I do feel for her, but I thought about what I would want if I was in her shoes, and I would DEFINITELY want to know if I was being lied to again by my husband who is still in love with someone else.

 

Good idea? Bad idea? I really want to give him the choice tonight.... I'm sure this will not end well.... oyeeee...

 

HELL YEA TELL HER - that poor lady she deserves to know.

[blinded_27]

HELL YEA TELL HER - that poor lady she deserves to know.

 

Actually, I wonder if he still ended up telling her, even though I said I was walking away form this...

 

...nah that would be giving him too much credit. Chances are, probably not.