Falling apart again

[willowthewisp]

Hi,

 

I don't know what is wrong with me at the moment but I am feeling awful. I was doing OK, I've been in IC and I was starting to feel better. Recently, however, I have this overwhelming urge to contact my X and tell him how much pain I am in, still, bc of him.

 

I know this would be a terrible idea bc my X will not acknowledge his part in any of this and treated me like I was weird or unreasonable or something for being so upset when he left me. He blamed everything on me whilst telling me he had deliberately kept his unhappiness hidden from me. My IC tells me that this was not my fault and that I have been self blaming without just cause for nearly 2 years now, all the anger that should be directed at my X, I have turned inwards on myself and that my X clearly has serious emotional issues. I'm not trying to suggest I am perfect, far from it, but I did not deserve what he did to me.

 

Why do I feel like this? I wondered if it was anger. I have this overwhelming anxiety for him to take his responsibility in this and acknowledge he hurt me, but it doesn't feel like anger, it just feels like hurt and sadness and servere pain. I am on work placement this week and I can be engrossed in an interview with a client and all of a sudden his face is in my mind and I have this dreadful pain in my chest. It's overwhelming and I just want to cry.

 

I don't want to grieve and feel like this anymore. What is wrong with me? Will this ever go away or am I going to be like this for the rest of my life? I just want to feel like me again.

Edited November 17, 2010 by willowthewisp

[fltc]

I don't want to grieve and feel like this anymore. What is wrong with me? Will this ever go away or am I going to be like this for the rest of my life? I just want to feel like me again.

 

You will feel like you again, sooner or later. I'm sorry it's taking so long and you're feeling so bad now but it WILL get better.

[shayan]

Willow ask yourself these same questions. What have you been doing for yourself to heal and move on?

 

My question is if it's been a long time now and you still feel awful you may need to become more involved your healing. Describe to me what have you been doing to recover or to cope and I will be able to better advise you?

[tobydog]

Aww Hunni, I am just the same as you. I cannot advise as I don't know the answers. Wish I did. I just know that this is the most terrible thing we have ever gone through. Let's support each other, Take care Debbie x

I am feeling the exact same way, I just some answers!

[willowthewisp]

Willow ask yourself these same questions. What have you been doing for yourself to heal and move on?

 

My question is if it's been a long time now and you still feel awful you may need to become more involved your healing. Describe to me what have you been doing to recover or to cope and I will be able to better advise you?

 

I went back to school, I learnt some new skills, I joined a sports club, I posted and talked on here and with friends, I started IC in September and I very recently tried to start dating which went very badly.

[HopelessinDTW]

I went back to school, I learnt some new skills, I joined a sports club, I posted and talked on here and with friends, I started IC in September and I very recently tried to start dating which went very badly.

WTW: Do you think the dating thing is causing you to perhaps take a few steps back in your recovery? Perhaps you put some hope in finding someone to make you happy and build up your self-esteem, and since that didn't work out the way you planned...it caused you to open up that wound you're trying to heal? Just an opinion... I really don't know what to tell you or what you can do to make things better...except time and to keep in looking forward rather than backwards. I feel like you're trying to hard to get better and move on, and perhaps in your case it's just going to take longer than you anticipated.

[willowthewisp]

WTW: Do you think the dating thing is causing you to perhaps take a few steps back in your recovery? Perhaps you put some hope in finding someone to make you happy and build up your self-esteem, and since that didn't work out the way you planned...it caused you to open up that wound you're trying to heal? Just an opinion... I really don't know what to tell you or what you can do to make things better...except time and to keep in looking forward rather than backwards. I feel like you're trying to hard to get better and move on, and perhaps in your case it's just going to take longer than you anticipated.

 

Hi HDTW, I did consider whether it was the recent online dating experience, the guy turned out to also be on a sex site and was just looking for sex chat by text message, but he lied to me, said he was looking for a relationship. I do feel that yet again I have been lied to and been decieved but I'm not sure this is why I am feeling like I am. I wasn't expecting to end up in a relationship with the first guy I came across and it isn't like I was attached to him or anything, we only texted a week and never even met.

 

I also wasn't looking for happiness by dating, I'm quite happy (not totally, because there are some very difficult problems with my living arrangements but I am working on that), in my life, except for the grief I am feeling over my X.

 

I won't deny that I would be happier in a relationship, I would very much like to have a partner in life but I am embarking on a fantastic new professional career in which I get to help people who really need help and is intellectually changelling. I also have many good close friends. I have started to go out clubbing/dancing, to the pub and have a great time and I took up a new sport which I enjoy. I guess what I'm saying is that I enjoy my life but the grief taints it but I don't think I am looking to find happiness in someone else.

[skydiveaddict]

Hi,

 

Why do I feel like this? I wondered if it was anger.

 

It's probably a bunch of different feelings you cant sort out. Same with me, it just takes time to heal, but have faith, you will get over it

[willowthewisp]

There's just no hope.

[simpleone79]

Willow, you need to completely focus on yourself. It's going to be hard as hell. YOU are the only one that can make you happy. Do things you want to do. Force yourself. Make every moment count. Day by day. Your looking for justification which isnt there. Dating is fine but only do it as a self confidence booster not to find happiness or a replacement. You wont find it. Find happiness with you first. Acknowledge the phases as you go through them. Denial, reasoning (barganing) anger, depression and finally acceptance. Acceptance will come, how fast depends on your determination. Ask yourself multiple times how your feeling. If you dont like what your feeling ask yourself what are you going to do about it. Do this out loud. It helped me when I got divorced of 11 years. You will begin to realize you are in complete control of your life and your emotions. Start little like rearranging a room or cleaning out a few drawers. Dont try and demolish everything to rebuild everything at once. Step by little step. Keep a journal and pay close attention to your successes each day. Then look back and you will see just how far you have come.

[scatterd]

I am sorry for your pain I know the feeling way to well in time you will feel better.I think we hold on more then we know my true healing did not come

untill I knew their would never be us again.Once you have excepted and totally let go you will feel better.Know that you are not responsible for his

problems it took you both.Next time you will know what you do not want and what you do want.Use this experience as a learning tool.Someday you will look back and not feel any pain.Think about yourself right now you can do stuff with out someone telling you cant youll find love again,take care and big hugs.

[carhill]

There's just no hope.

Show this response to your IC. IMO, I'd ask for a referral to a medical doctor, adjunct to IC.

 

Also, I'd suggest not dating until significant time in IC has passed, like six months of weekly sessions. Focus completely on you. Each patient is different. In my case, I didn't make significant progress until after eight months. I also experimented (without disclosure to our MC) with some anti-psychotics to break some brain chemistry patterns. I wouldn't recommend that, but it did help me. It's better for a medical doctor to supervise, IMO.

 

Here's some advice. *Accept* that you're going to fall apart along this path. Mistakes and errors and foulups and anger and hurt will litter the roadside. *Accept it*.

 

To share a success story, I'm no longer haunted by feelings of the past, am on completely amicable terms with my exW and have experienced some amazing responses from a wide variety of friends. I have no family anymore, so make my way in life alone. I'm good with that. I hope you find your path to be fruitful for you

[willowthewisp]

I'm never going to get over this. I just feel like I don't have any energy left to go on. It's been 20 months, it's getting worse by the day, not better. I just don't know what more I can do.

[2.50 a gallon]

Willow

 

You just haven't met him yet. Have faith, it will happen, and I can guarntee that you will be trading up

 

One never knows when it will happen. It could be today, or next week. When I was about 25, the thought crossed my mind, why can't I find that someone special. In looking back over the past 2 years I had dated more than a dozen ladies, and none of them came close to ringing my bell. With each of them there was just something missing. Not religious enough, or too religious, too flirty, or not flirty enough. And when it came to looks, I couldn't connect there either, they just didn't have that special look that I knew that I would want to kiss for the rest of my life.

 

A week later, there she stood. The problem was she wasn't interested in me and already had two other boy friends. It took me close to 10 weeks to get a date with her, and she let me know it was going to be our one and only date, as I had no chance, as she put it she thought that I was wasting my time.

 

Two days later she is telling her two boy friends not to call her any more as she had found a new boy friend.

 

That's the way it is, one day your are by yourself, and the next day you are up in the clouds as the two of you have finally met

 

The best way that you can make it happen is to move on in life and start living again, looking forward to your new life, trusting that it will be better and one day you are going to turn the right corner and there he will be.

 

It is as simple as that.

Edited November 22, 2010 by 2.50 a gallon

[willowthewisp]

Willow

 

You just haven't met him yet. Have faith, it will happen, and I can guarntee that you will be trading up

 

One never knows when it will happen. It could be today, or next week. When I was about 25, the thought crossed my mind, why can't I find that someone special. In looking back over the past 2 years I had dated more than a dozen ladies, and none of them came close to ringing my bell. With each of them there was just something missing. Not religious enough, or too religious, too flirty, or not flirty enough. And when it came to looks, I couldn't connect there either, they just didn't have that special look that I knew that I would want to kiss for the rest of my life.

 

A week later, there she stood. The problem was she wasn't interested in me and already had two other boy friends. It took me close to 10 weeks to get a date with her, and she let me know it was going to be our one and only date, as I had no chance, as she put it she thought that I was wasting my time.

 

Two days later she is telling her two boy friends not to call her any more as she had found a new boy friend.

 

That's the way it is, one day your are by yourself, and the next day you are up in the clouds as the two of you have finally met

 

The best way that you can make it happen is to move on in life and start living again, looking forward to your new life, trusting that it will be better and one day you are going to turn the right corner and there he will be.

 

It is as simple as that.

 

Gallon, if only this were true. Maybe for you, maybe for a lot of other people. Me? I have no interest from men whatsoever. Nothing, non, nada. No dates, not even the possibility of a date. I had my man, he threw me away, doesn't want me and neither does anyone else.

 

I go out, I went out this Saturday night with a female friend (she's 21), some neighbours of hers that she used to know from school days invited us to the pub on FB. We went, I got on really well with the 27 year old guy, we asked them to join us at a club, we had fun, danced the night away, he even held my hand all the way home in the cab. Next day, he texts my friend and asks both of us to the cinema, she replies shes busy but maybe I would like to go. He hasn't asked her for my number and replies he can't go now.

 

Meanwhile, my friend already has two dates lined up this week and a guy 30 years old asked for her number Saturday night in the club and she has a date with him tomorrow as well. No one so much as looked at me.

 

People keep saying I'll meet someone, just date, have fun. HOW????????? There is no one interested, no one at all.

 

I give up. I'm done, spent, I try so hard to get on and live my life, go out, joint clubs, I talk to men at bus stops for goodness sakes and no one is even remotely interested. Maybe I'm just butt ugly. Or perhaps I really am worthless like my X treated me when he left.

 

Life is not getting better, the pain of all this is getting worse every day.

[worlybear]

Well he wasn't for you! I do understand how you feel and I know that its really difficult especially at this time of year, when everyone seems to be part of a loving couple/family.

Personally I wouldn't bother with "dates" or trying to meet someone at the moment. I think you just need to start building up your friendship circle and having fun as "one of the girls." Forgive me but perhaps you're trying too hard?

Just concentrate on doing things that you like doing, catch a movie, meet a friend for shopping/coffee whatever!

If your circle of friends is small, perhaps now is the time to enlarge it? I know its not easy and I have similar difficulties and many times I just want to give up but it is possible to meet new people and make new friends.

When my Ex left I had nobody and had to start again, forcing myself to join groups. It was incredibly difficult and I still feel like giving up sometimes but I have made some very good friends so it was worth it.

Nothing will ever be the same again for me either, but life will go on and I can either fight it or embrace it.

IT WILL GET BETTER!

HUGS:bunny::bunny:

[willowthewisp]

Hi Worly,

 

Thanks for the advice I do appreciate it, only the thing is that is why I am fed up. I have been doing all the things I should be doing in order to move on. In the last 20 months, I have moved home, gone back to school, I have made many many new friends, I have worked full time over the summer and made work friends, I have completed internships for my choosen profession (I'm in school as a graduate doing the professional stage now) and made many contacts. I have joined local groups to do with my profession and go to networking events, I've started a new sport and have made new friends there. I go out more now than I ever did when I was with my X. I go out with female friends shopping, coffee, meals, swimming, beach, clubbing, bars etc. I also go out with male friends and groups of friends from school and friends from prior to my X leaving. I went on vacation with a female friend.

 

I can't have my X, that much is clear and I don't want to spend my life alone. I am still grieving my X and I know I am not going to meet someone right of the bat, but a few dates wouldn't go a miss. You suggested maybe I am trying too hard? I have had a friends husband tell me the opposite, that maybe I have unapproachable written on my forehead. What can I do? I go out and I'm myself.

 

Yes, I am grieving but I think that griving is in part and worse b/c I am griving the loss of the relationship now rather than the loss of him. It has been suggested on here and by my family and friends that perhaps in order to move on and get over this I need to start dating, maybe when I meet someone else I can finally let this all go. I'm not talking rebound, but I don't want to be single, part of my unhappiness is not having someone special to share with, affection, I mean **** to just have a cuddle! You know? I also miss sex, don't get me wrong I am not one to jump into bed with a guy and for me it is an emotional act but I'm mid 30's, I miss it! I'm very happy with a lot of my life, I don't NEED someone to be happy, but I would like someone, that's what I am saying.

[worlybear]

Wow Willow I'm impressed! You certainly seem to be doing all the right things to move on- I guess its just not your time yet.

I do understand how you feel, and about the lack of a physical relationship- I'm older than you but that's still a big empty space for me ,too and I still can't get used to being alone in bed- its damn cold!

All I can suggest is keep going, one foot in front of the other, to all the social events and networking until it finally pays off- IT MUST DO EVENTUALLY!!-And there is a POSITIVE future we've just got to travel through this c*** first!

[willowthewisp]

So, I got back on the horse again with the online dating. I got asked on a date tonight, I declined intially, I'm just so nervous, I paniced. The guy said he was just asking quick as he was worried I would leave the site suddenly again (was there a week ago, but had a bad experience with someone who turned out to also be on a sex site, swingers, extra marital affairs etc). He said he's fine to keep chatting a while and is in no rush. Urgh, I'm so nervous. Help!

 

Also, for anyone who has been read any of my other threads, the guy at uni, the 24 years old, has been going on all day at me again, everytime I have seen him, about how he likes older women and how younger women are annoying. He says age is just a number and I should look for a younger man, is he just talking or is he hinting? I really don't get this? He knows I'm looking, he knows (I think) that I like him, but he doesn't make a move just talks about how he likes older women.

 

In between all this I am still up and down emotionally, but I really want to move on and I think a bit of dating can't be a bad thing, unless I get stung again of course.

 

OK, I'm nuts.....

[just_some_guy]

Also, for anyone who has been read any of my other threads, the guy at uni, the 24 years old, has been going on all day at me again, everytime I have seen him, about how he likes older women and how younger women are annoying. He says age is just a number and I should look for a younger man, is he just talking or is he hinting? I really don't get this? He knows I'm looking, he knows (I think) that I like him, but he doesn't make a move just talks about how he likes older women.

 

He's doing a little of both, flirting, and hitting on you. Take it as a compliment. If you like, take it up a level with coffee or the like, if you are ready.

 

In between all this I am still up and down emotionally, but I really want to move on and I think a bit of dating can't be a bad thing, unless I get stung again of course.

 

OK, I'm nuts.....

 

Remember, it is JUST A DATE. It is not a commitment, it is not the hingepin for the rest of your life. It's a movie, a walk in the park, a cup of coffee, maybe lunch, a nice outing to see if you enjoy each other's company. Go with no expectations other than to just enjoy yourself and possibly make a new friend.

[willowthewisp]

He's doing a little of both, flirting, and hitting on you. Take it as a compliment. If you like, take it up a level with coffee or the like, if you are ready.

 

 

 

Remember, it is JUST A DATE. It is not a commitment, it is not the hingepin for the rest of your life. It's a movie, a walk in the park, a cup of coffee, maybe lunch, a nice outing to see if you enjoy each other's company. Go with no expectations other than to just enjoy yourself and possibly make a new friend.

 

I'd love to go out with the 24 year old, he's a really nice guy and VERY attractive, but I don't think I can ask him out. We are at school together and hang out in a group, it would be awkard to say the least if he knocked me back, which I think is likely.

 

Maybe I should flirt with him a bit and see if he's really interested? The problem is, how do I tell? He already hugs me, puts his head on my shoulder, winks at me etc, but yet does not make a move. Friends who know him say he is just an affectionate kind of guy, so I keep thinking I am reading way too much into it. But then he keeps saying how he likes older women? So confused.

 

What you said about it just being a date has made me feel a bit better. I declined the online guy last night, he said he was happy to keep chatting, but the reason I freaked, I think, is because I am unsure if I find him physically attractive from his photos (not too be shallow, but there does need to be some attraction). Now I feel bad for chatting to him, I keep thinking if I meet him and don't find him attractive then I will be knocking him back and I feel obligated to be sure before I agree to a date. WHy is that? Why do I have this feeling of responsibility to be clear before I agree?

 

I really do sound nuts don't I? I'm so lost. Maybe I'm just not healthy enough yet to date.

[willowthewisp]

OK scrap that above. Just found out the 24 year old was told recently by someone that I have a crush on him, he had a conversation about it with my friend last night and she told him it wasn't true. So I guess he was just trying to lessen any embarressment on my part.

[OpMojo]

I'd love to go out with the 24 year old, he's a really nice guy and VERY attractive, but I don't think I can ask him out. We are at school together and hang out in a group, it would be awkard to say the least if he knocked me back, which I think is likely.

 

You can't ask him out? Being in the same social group could be somewhat awkward, but what do you want from this young fellow? A committed relationship? A nice night out hanging off the arm of a young hardbody? A torrid fling? I would stop thinking so much (I can't believe I just said that) and go with the flow. This kid may be just the person to help you get over your ex. People come into our lives for a reason.

 

Maybe I should flirt with him a bit and see if he's really interested? The problem is, how do I tell? He already hugs me, puts his head on my shoulder, winks at me etc, but yet does not make a move. Friends who know him say he is just an affectionate kind of guy, so I keep thinking I am reading way too much into it. But then he keeps saying how he likes older women? So confused.

 

Read my (cyber) lips: "...he keeps saying how he likes older women". He's initiating "kino" with you (touching), but he probably lacks the nerve or the confidence to make his move. Thinking back when I was 24, I can tell you he's probably afraid of rejection from YOU! He's not gonna make a move. That's up to you.

 

I really do sound nuts don't I? I'm so lost. Maybe I'm just not healthy enough yet to date.

 

Nah... you're definitely healthy enough. Just try not to overanalyse the situation so much. Remember... the dating game is supposed to be fun. Kick back, let loose and have fun with it.

 

OK scrap that above. Just found out the 24 year old was told recently by someone that I have a crush on him, he had a conversation about it with my friend last night and she told him it wasn't true. So I guess he was just trying to lessen any embarressment on my part.

 

Awesome! When you make your move it will be an unexpected but pleasant surprise for both of you. Go get 'em Willow!

 

Go. With. The. Flow.

[willowthewisp]

You can't ask him out? Being in the same social group could be somewhat awkward, but what do you want from this young fellow? A committed relationship? A nice night out hanging off the arm of a young hardbody? A torrid fling? I would stop thinking so much (I can't believe I just said that) and go with the flow. This kid may be just the person to help you get over your ex. People come into our lives for a reason.

 

 

 

Read my (cyber) lips: "...he keeps saying how he likes older women". He's initiating "kino" with you (touching), but he probably lacks the nerve or the confidence to make his move. Thinking back when I was 24, I can tell you he's probably afraid of rejection from YOU! He's not gonna make a move. That's up to you.

 

 

 

Nah... you're definitely healthy enough. Just try not to overanalyse the situation so much. Remember... the dating game is supposed to be fun. Kick back, let loose and have fun with it.

 

 

 

Awesome! When you make your move it will be an unexpected but pleasant surprise for both of you. Go get 'em Willow!

 

Go. With. The. Flow.

 

The friend he asked has known him since highschool and see tells me he is definately not interested in me and is just trying to be nice.

 

The reason he is trying to be nice is that we all went out a couple of weeks back to a club and my friend pulled him, I ended up having "words" with my friend as she didn't even like him, she just did it to get at me and another girl in our group who also likes him. The friend has self esteem issues and has to constantly be the centre of attention with guys. I told her after, that is she really liked him it wasn't a problem to which she replied "no, I don't even find him attractive, just did it because I could".

 

Anyway, I think because he saw me having an argument with her and now someone has told him I had a crush he is just trying to make me feel less embaressed about it. The touching was happening before this night, but I've since made a point not to sit near him. He was also saying things about liking older women and finding girls his age annoying before this night as well. I still talk to him, but I'm much less friendly, it's embaressing for me, I'm 35, he's too young and it looks quite socially inappripriate on my part that I even had a crush.

 

Still though, I wish he would stop with all this talk, he has said how he finds younger women annoying, yesterday I was asking around if anyone knew any single men my age who might like to go out on a dtae with me. He said "why your age, go for a younger guy" I said "well, younger guys aren't interested in me, why would they be?" That's when he said what he did.

 

Dating fun? Nah, I never wanted to be in this position. I was extremely happy with my X, I was with him from highschool and I cherished him. I never wnated to be here, anaysing everything and having people play games with me.

 

I wish he would stop, it's actually quite hurtful to hear him say these things when he isn't interested.

Edited November 24, 2010 by willowthewisp

[tobydog]

Willow,

I just get the feeling that he is interested! You need more confidence and test those waters!

Look at me, met the love of my life at 35, now he's gone. Who would want me at 50 with a 4yo son? No-one!

Take care and give him a whirl! x