chanilla Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 Hi, I'm new here obviously but have been having problems with something for about 2 months now. I'll give you the story. I go to school in So Cal, and came home to oregon for the summer. I saw my friend a couple of times and met his girlfriend, and he was telling me how there is this girl he thinks I should date. I said no at first, because she was a couple years younger and I didn't really want to get involved over the summer. But anyway, she calls me up one day and we all (her, I, my friend, his gf) go to the lake and have a good time. She texts me that night and asks if I want to come over to my friends house with all them for movie night a couple nights later, I say sure. I go, I stay over, her and I sleep together, no sex, just kissing, and I leave the next morning. From there things go great and she has honestly been the girl of my dreams. I'm not saying she is the one or anything, but she is the kind of girl I will marry. We hang out quite a bit before the end of summer. Anyway, I leave for college, we do the whole long distance thing, and its hard at first but then it gets really good. She helps me quit tobacco, we're supportive of each other. Somehow it comes up that we're talking about my friend, and I say how I would be uncomfortable if he or his girlfriend ever saw her naked. She then drops the bombshell on me. "A couple weeks" before her and I started dating, she made out with my friends girlfriend, my friend comes home, and then they go down on each other. She said she knew it was a mistake and regretted it instantly. My friend asked her if she would like to, she said no, then he left and his girlfriend started talking about how she was attracted to her, they start making out, and then he comes and all that crap happens. I call my buddy the next day asking why I wasnt told about it, and why he did that, and he gives some BS explanation and I drag an apology out of him. He then tells me that it was the day after the movie night that this happened - which destroyed me. I ask my girlfriend about it, and she confirms, yes, now that she thinks of it, that is when it happened. She says she just pushed it to the back of her mind and tried to just learn from it. My friend is a pretty weird, controlling, dominating type of guy. He thinks he is psychic, thinks he is always right, and just overall weirds me out. I say "friend" cuz I don't know what to call him now, but he is no longer my friend. The idea of him and her doing that is completely horrible to me and it bothers me a lot. This put me in a really dark place for a week or two, and has been getting better since. However, this past week (I saw her two weeks ago for a weekend) I have been getting incredibly angry at him, the situation, but not so much her (she is very sorry, fully supportive of whatever I need to do, and wants to be there for me and help as much as she can). The images have been bothering me, and just the idea that the day after we kissed for the first time, this happened. Does anyone have any advice for coping with this? Or any ideas? I have had days and times when I have somewhat accepted this, thought about her in light of what happened and been ok, but I just want to get better and be able to continue a strong, solid relationship with this. Any ideas for help? Thank you so much!
Author chanilla Posted November 17, 2010 Author Posted November 17, 2010 My sincere apologies if this is in the wrong section.
ColdFox Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 I think this is an okay section for this, but you will probably get more responses in the Cheating/Flirting/Jealousy section. I am a little unclear on some things, like: are you upset that this happened in general, or upset that this happened the day after you met her, or that she misled you about when exactly it happened? And how serious about her are you really, since you kind of contradict yourself about that a few times?
phineas Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 I'm confused. So your woman & your "friend's" woman were making out. Your "friend" shows up then she goes down on him & his GF & he goes down on her ? How do you know they didn't have sex? The fact this was after she met you is pretty crappy especially if your friend Knew she was with you the night before. Did she have sex with you?
Author chanilla Posted November 18, 2010 Author Posted November 18, 2010 (edited) I am very serious about her. I loved her, and love her, and care about her, but the fact that this happened bothers me the most. That it happened the day after her and I shared a bed (no sex at that point, just kissing) makes it quite a bit worse. Before he leaves, he asks her if she would like to have oral sex to "relieve tension" (I got this story from both of them, not just her). She says no, he leaves to go to the store. His girlfriend tells her about how she is bisexual and is attracted to her, and they kiss. Friend shows up and goes down on my girlfriend, and she goes down on him. I dont know what his girlfriend was doing. I really want to get over this. But it has been hard to get to where I am even right now. Now I am not a total mess most of the time. We had sex, but not that night or for a while after. Edited November 18, 2010 by chanilla
phineas Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 How long did she make you wait? I really don't want to twist the knife, but she's going down on a guy who has a GF but holding out on you. Add the fact she has no problem lieing to you & I think your into her far more than she is into you.
alexlakeman Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 She's going down on your friend? And what about you? What's going to happen next time the four of you go out? And she's looking at your friend and he's looking at her? What's going to be going through "their" minds?
Author chanilla Posted November 18, 2010 Author Posted November 18, 2010 I understand where you are coming from, but I once again want to state that the story from all parties involved is that my friend started the oral part. She did not initiate that. She went along with it. It may not be much of a difference but given what I know of this guy and what I know of her, it makes a bit of a difference. My goal here is to overcome that this happened. I know it will not happen again, with anyone, but I am struggling with getting over the images and the idea that it happened. Now that I'm writing this I guess this should have gone in the "coping" section. Thank you for the replies so far though!!
sanskrit Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 My friend is a pretty weird, controlling, dominating type of guy. He thinks he is psychic, thinks he is always right, and just overall weirds me out. I say "friend" cuz I don't know what to call him now... Call him "narcissistic." In all likelihood he did this on purpose to keep himself placed above you in his twisted mind. Don't assume it was just some head, in all likelihood he only introduced you to her as a kind of narcissistic supply for himself. He is above all three of you in his mind, and will continue these freaky games if you continue hanging out with him. Get rid of this dude. As for the girl, try to forgive her only if she is willing to terminate all contact with your narcissist friend and his GF, and see how it goes. If she doesn't want to cease contact with them, if she even gives a hint of resistance, you will know more is going on here than you have been told, and can move on with a clear "head" (sorry couldn't resist). Good luck.
ColdFox Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 The coping section is mostly people dealing with breakups, a few people grieving deaths. You might get better answers in the Infidelity section although you will get a lot of people telling you to dump your girlfriend, too. I don't have experience with trying to erase the kind of images/feelings you are talking about, but I have spent time trying to get over terrible pain and let go of depression. I found that meditation helped me, taking time out to stretch my body and clear my mind, and then purposely focusing my thoughts on the positive things I needed to concentrate on. Also physical activity when I was feeling hurt and low, I am athletic and that helped me, to sweat out the bad feelings.
austinsmith Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 I am confused I could not get it all. But I can promise I will read it again next time.
Author chanilla Posted November 27, 2010 Author Posted November 27, 2010 Call him "narcissistic." In all likelihood he did this on purpose to keep himself placed above you in his twisted mind. Don't assume it was just some head, in all likelihood he only introduced you to her as a kind of narcissistic supply for himself. He is above all three of you in his mind, and will continue these freaky games if you continue hanging out with him. Get rid of this dude. As for the girl, try to forgive her only if she is willing to terminate all contact with your narcissist friend and his GF, and see how it goes. If she doesn't want to cease contact with them, if she even gives a hint of resistance, you will know more is going on here than you have been told, and can move on with a clear "head" (sorry couldn't resist). Good luck. Thanks... this post actually brought me out of a pretty intense streak of anger/sadness the past week. I've explored the idea of narcicism and a lot of the symptoms seem to be present in the former friend. Somehow, that makes me feel a lot better. I trust the girl, she has cut off all contact, and has been there whenever I needed her throughout this for talking or questions. The thing now that bothers me is the idea that it happened. What they did, when it happened (the night after we kissed) is just weird to me, and very uncomfortable. It is not always there, but it is bothering me at times. It is totally worth it, in my opinion, to get over it and be completely happy with this girl, but it is difficult and I don't want it to always be like this. Are there any ideas as to how to get over the images?
lkjh Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 I don't think I agree with the people that say keep her around. I think your problems are the fact that she pursued you, then after getting you to date her she messes around with another guy who is your friend and the person that set you up, she also messes around with his girlfriend, next she lies about the date it happened and so on Dude you are getting a lot of red flags here. If you two are not serious as in marriage or kids its time to run
veggirl Posted November 28, 2010 Posted November 28, 2010 Wow this is quite a lot of drama for so early on in your relationship. Can you get over this? She lied to you. She said this happened a few weeks before you two met and then when confronted w/ the truth, admitted when it really happened. You really think she "forgot" when this happened?? Come on! Were they all drunk or on drugs or something? Has she had experiences like this before? The fact that the gf just says "you are hot" or whatever and your girl then kisses her and ends up in a 3some is puzzling. How does that just happen?
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