810 Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 from a relationship i don't have? i like this guy ...i have feelings for and attracted to him. things are at snail pace and i hate it. not that i would rush things and do stupid things and have sex or anything. i just hate the fact that i'm absolutely comfortable and relax when i'm around him and i do enjoy his company and wanting to see him more. i hate the fact that he is acting as cool as a cucumber too. not sure if he's playing it cool and i'm just slow not seeing that he's interested in me or maybe we're just friends. i'm without a relationship for almost two years now and i did see a couple of guys in between but none i felt attracted to until the day i met him. not that his feelings and heart don't matter but i'm so afraid of broken heart that i'm withdraw myself and being completely reserved. he initiated activities and i went. i initiated a couple of activities in the past and he was up for them. Now what the heck should i do? sit back and let things unfold?
musemaj11 Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 Its so easy to tell how someone feels toward you from the way he/she behaves and looks at you.
Author 810 Posted November 17, 2010 Author Posted November 17, 2010 Its so easy to tell how someone feels toward you from the way he/she behaves and looks at you. Dating 101 is much appreciated right now. seriously, i don't know how to go about getting together with him without being seen clingy or desperate. getting together with friends is easy...somehow, i feel weird contacting him.
OldSkool Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 Hi 810, your situation sounds so much like mine, but in reverse (I'm the guy). I'll tell you my story in hopes that you may be able to gain some insight. I have known this lady for over a year and a half. In the beginning I started pursuing her, but I realized that something just wasn't there insofar as her attraction to me. I really liked her and (I'm sure to the horror of many guys out there) I realized that even if she wasn't attracted to me in that way, she was too unique and interesting of a person to just walk away from, and decided that if all I was going to get from her was a friendship, I would take that over nothing at all. We got to become really close friends, we learn from each other, and we always have fun when we hang out. Fast forward to the past two months and I've noticed that things have started to change, No need to get into great detail but her body language has changed significantly, much more attentive, affectionate, more touching, cuddling, etc. However her mouth says things that completely contradict her body language, which when taken together sounds a lot like what you have expressed here. For example, she'll say things like she has a feeling that I'm going to find someone soon, or how much she enjoys hanging out and she could never feel so free to be herself if this was a 'date'. The latest confusing thing she said is that she loves our friendship and if she wants more it is her responsibility to let me know. Now there is a significant difference here between my scenario and yours. She and I are both in our very late 30's. I'm at an age were I know what I want and what I don't want, and I'm not going to play games. She knows that I am one of those people who say what I mean and mean what I say and I expect the same from those who I consider my true friends. To conclude, I listen to what she has to say and I take it at face value. I care for her deeply as a person and as a friend, and I will probably always find her attractive, but I am not going to take that leap and put myself into a situation where I will have my heart crushed again, without some type of assurance that what she may be feeling is real, or just an emotional hiccup. When she is ready for more, I have faith that she will let me know in no uncertain terms. Until then I am just going to enjoy the fact that she values me as a friend and a person and not do anything to damage what we already have and value. I do hope this helps I've been a long time lurker on here (5 years) but it's been so long since I last posted that my old profile expired
Author 810 Posted November 17, 2010 Author Posted November 17, 2010 Thank you oldskool. it makes perfectly good sense: have to accept things the way they are. patience is virtue. like you, i'm the type that say what i mean and mean what i say. trouble is, i haven't said anything to him because i'm afraid of making things more complicated or being pushy. he's being respectful toward me and hasn't done anything harsh. he hasn't said anything also which kinna suck. and I'm not sure how to let him know that i'm not playing games. the only way i know of not playing games is that i initiate contacts, which i did. whenever i contact him, i remind myself that we're friends so that i can feel less awkward. i just don't like it when i have these thoughts in my head about him and i. too much for my day. i have faith that some day he'll step to the plate....or i have enough courage and will.
OldSkool Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 I'm not sure how to let him know that i'm not playing games. the only way i know of not playing games is that i initiate contacts, which i did. whenever i contact him, i remind myself that we're friends so that i can feel less awkward. Each situation is different, but as a general rule, our voluntary actions will reflect our conscious frame of mind. There are hundred of books published on how to read involuntary behavior which purport to let you "read" involuntary desires. By and large the majority of these books serve the sole purpose of enriching the author and publishers. Unfortunately love and romance are a risk. One can be a friend and a lover, e.g. the FWB, but true romance, true intimacy, true love is a risk. You have to be willing to take that risk if that is what you want. The way to not play games is to simply tell him the truth when YOU decide to follow that truth. Tell him that you want more, that you are terrified of losing your friendship with him but you are willing to risk it for a shot at the moon so to speak. You have to be willing to lose whenever you gamble, and true love is the roulette table in the casino of life. Vonda Shepherd says in "Tell Him" I know somethin' about love You've gotta want it bad If that guy's got into your blood Go out and get him If you want him to be the very part of you That makes you want to breathe Here's the thing to do Tell him that you're never gonna leave him Tell him that you're always gonna love him Tell him, tell him, tell him, tell him right now Luck and Peace to you.
Author 810 Posted November 18, 2010 Author Posted November 18, 2010 Each situation is different, but as a general rule, our voluntary actions will reflect our conscious frame of mind. There are hundred of books published on how to read involuntary behavior which purport to let you "read" involuntary desires. By and large the majority of these books serve the sole purpose of enriching the author and publishers. Unfortunately love and romance are a risk. One can be a friend and a lover, e.g. the FWB, but true romance, true intimacy, true love is a risk. You have to be willing to take that risk if that is what you want. The way to not play games is to simply tell him the truth when YOU decide to follow that truth. Tell him that you want more, that you are terrified of losing your friendship with him but you are willing to risk it for a shot at the moon so to speak. You have to be willing to lose whenever you gamble, and true love is the roulette table in the casino of life. i don't gamble my heart but i went all-in twice in my life. lost both. and i know for a fact that the next one, whoever that might be, if i decided to go all-in and lost, i'd pray that i have no heart so i don't have to face the pain. you can say that i'm selfish but love roots me deeply so i guard my heart because i know the pain is unbearable. but that's alright because i like the way i build myself up bit by bit again. this one, i think i will hold out or even fold because as of right now, i feel that it's not worth it. he's not worth the trouble. after a couple of months, i start finding out his personality...and like people say, actions do speak louder than words. however, i'll keep your words abreast...and when i feel that i'm ready, i will tell the person how i feel. i guess i take out the fun and casual in the dating context.
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