I'm bored...

[greengoddess]

Same thing day in and day out.

 

Wake up at 5:30 am cuddle and have some fun with my husband.

Wake my kids at 6:00.

Get out of bed at 6:30 to start my day.

Shower, make coffee, lunches, throw in a load of laundry.

Send kids off.

Kiss husband and send us both off.

Long boring day at work.

Text and chat with my husband occasionally throughout the day.

Done work head to gym, boring workout and then home for cooking, cleaning, homework with kids etc etc etc.

 

BORING...

 

Hey who's that hot guy at the gym...Talking to him may make the gym more fun:D:D

 

Oh he's fun. I love his sense of humor we get each other.

 

Exchange numbers to casually text to meet up at the gym again since it made it much more interesting and we had a lot in common.

 

Ahhh he text me during work. ~giggle~ he's funny.

 

and so it begins... no breakdown of the marriage no unhappiness with my husband just boredom with the daily drudgery of life and this is such a fun distraction that really makes me feel good.

 

I begin to arrive at the gym earlier and earlier and stay a lot longer. My marriage THEN begins to be a little troubled because I am distant and keeping secrets from my husband...and so begins the downward spiral and lying to myself and everyone else.

 

It's all my husbands fault though. He should have kept me from being bored...he should have helped more with the kids so I could have more fun...he should have helped keep the house neater so i could have more time to play...

 

 

The other women like to insist that if someone cheats there is something wrong with the marriage.

Nope I don't agree and this is an example of why. After the flirting and affair began then there is a HUGE breakdown in the marriage but the breakdown was a result of the affair not vice versa.

 

disclaimer* this is not a true story about my life.

Edited November 17, 2010 by greengoddess

[Crow9726]

I love this post!

[desertIslandCactus]

It's true.. If the ficticious story didn't happen at the gym .. the mating could have begun and proceded at the worksite (pity the employer).

 

The WS alternates between blaming the H / troubled M .. to saying we were soulmates, meant to be .. and our LOve for each other .....

 

If the WS had substance, she very possibly could have taken her bordom to the point of bettering her job and planning toward an early retirement to enjoy her husband, what is left of her family - and her life.... and going into grandchildren.

[greengoddess]

It's true.. If the ficticious story didn't happen at the gym .. the mating could have begun and proceded at the worksite (pity the employer).

 

The WS alternates between blaming the H / troubled M .. to saying we were soulmates, meant to be .. and our LOve for each other .....

 

If the WS had substance, she very possibly could have taken her bordom to the point of bettering her job and planning toward an early retirement to enjoy her husband, what is left of her family - and her life.... and going into grandchildren.

 

 

Yes but she gets caught up in the thrill of it. Soon the gym becomes a quick drink, a quick drink becomes husband can I go out with girls tonight and it is one huge downward spiral of playing, partying having fun and getting away from the mundane household chores while hubby holds down the fort trusting her and happy that she is having some fun with her girlfriends...

 

How can he not know she is out cheating?? How can he trust her when it should be obvious she is home so much less...

[reservoirdog1]

Your chronology sounds pretty accurate, GG. It's funny how at no point does the fictitious cheater in such a situation decide that it would be a good idea to SIT DOWN AND TALK with their partner about their boredom and seek ways to spice up the marriage WITH them. It's no wonder so many spouses are taken totally by surprise when they find out their partner has betrayed them.

[Spark1111]

Yes but she gets caught up in the thrill of it. Soon the gym becomes a quick drink, a quick drink becomes husband can I go out with girls tonight and it is one huge downward spiral of playing, partying having fun and getting away from the mundane household chores while hubby holds down the fort trusting her and happy that she is having some fun with her girlfriends...

 

How can he not know she is out cheating?? How can he trust her when it should be obvious she is home so much less...

 

Meanwhile, the poor guy does sense her distance and moodiness, and because he loves her and really wants/hopes she feels better, he endourages her to go to the gym more often because MAYBE, just maybe, that will make her feel better overall, and then feel better and be happier with him again like she use to be!

[desertIslandCactus]

Yes but she gets caught up in the thrill of it. Soon the gym becomes a quick drink, a quick drink becomes husband can I go out with girls tonight and it is one huge downward spiral of playing, partying having fun and getting away from the mundane household chores while hubby holds down the fort trusting her and happy that she is having some fun with her girlfriends...

 

How can he not know she is out cheating?? How can he trust her when it should be obvious she is home so much less...

 

So much for a cheap, short, Destructive thrill.

[freestyle]

Meanwhile, the poor guy does sense her distance and moodiness, and because he loves her and really wants/hopes she feels better, he endourages her to go to the gym more often because MAYBE, just maybe, that will make her feel better overall, and then feel better and be happier with him again like she use to be!

 

 

Not only that, he starts wondering if HE's the one doing something wrong.

 

He doesn't understand why she's being distant, or curt with him.

 

His self-esteem suffers a blow, as he second-guesses himself......

 

Meanwhile the wife begins to feel pangs of guilt .What a yucky feeling.....

 

But every time she sees her husband's face, she feels those yucky feelings.

 

It must be his fault.

 

What a jerk he is..................

[Lecturer]

I think that is a very cool, interesting OP. A very realistic and reasonable scenario. That said, I have to disagree with a couple key points in the OP's analysis.

 

To me, there IS something wrong with that life. The woman in the story was horribly bored. A life of tedium and exhaustion. It wasn't necessarily her husband's fault.. maybe it was her fault for wanting that life (kids, boring job, etc). Either way, her life was unfulfilling.

 

So I think the idiom that people cheat for a reason.. because something is missing.. still holds true. It isn't necessarily that it is missing from the marriage, but from the cheater's life. I'm not saying cheating would be the right thing do to in that situation, just that I can understand how A led to B.

[Darth Vader]

Not only that, he starts wondering if HE's the one doing something wrong.

 

He doesn't understand why she's being distant, or curt with him.

 

His self-esteem suffers a blow, as he second-guesses himself......

 

Meanwhile the wife begins to feel pangs of guilt .What a yucky feeling.....

 

But every time she sees her husband's face, she feels those yucky feelings.

 

It must be his fault.

 

What a jerk he is..................

 

 

Yep, that's how these women in/had affair's blameshift the poor hubby into thinking that it was all his fault when he was doing his job in the marriage! MAN! This pisses me off to no end! This is one of the reasons why more and more men are saying NO to marriage! It's pathetic really, the "good men" who try to do right and do everything they can end up getting screwed over the most!

[Darth Vader]

I think that is a very cool, interesting OP. A very realistic and reasonable scenario. That said, I have to disagree with a couple key points in the OP's analysis.

 

To me, there IS something wrong with that life. The woman in the story was horribly bored. A life of tedium and exhaustion. It wasn't necessarily her husband's fault.. maybe it was her fault for wanting that life (kids, boring job, etc). Either way, her life was unfulfilling.

 

So I think the idiom that people cheat for a reason.. because something is missing.. still holds true. It isn't necessarily that it is missing from the marriage, but from the cheater's life. I'm not saying cheating would be the right thing do to in that situation, just that I can understand how A led to B.

 

 

AH! But you see, that's what the cheater will blame on the BS, they'll blameshift the BS who did no wrong by saying they weren't keeping them interested. This may explain to some people why some WS's say they don't know why they cheated, perhaps it was all out of boredom, but they don't want to say.

[thomasb]

So I think the idiom that people cheat for a reason.. because something is missing.. still holds true. It isn't necessarily that it is missing from the marriage, but from the cheater's life. I'm not saying cheating would be the right thing do to in that situation, just that I can understand how A led to B.

 

 

There is something missing. Honesty and integrity.

[Silly_Girl]

GG! You should write a book, hold seminars, give marriage workshops. You've got the whole thing sussed. You'll make a fortune and no one will have an affair ever again

[freestyle]

Yep, that's how these women in/had affair's blameshift the poor hubby into thinking that it was all his fault when he was doing his job in the marriage! MAN! This pisses me off to no end! This is one of the reasons why more and more men are saying NO to marriage! It's pathetic really, the "good men" who try to do right and do everything they can end up getting screwed over the most!

 

 

I agree, amigo---but for the record, it works both ways. I was actually drawing from personal experience--and I'm a woman. I had a SO do that to me a few years back. He was actually resenting ME because he felt guilty about lying to me..........

 

I only used the cheating wife example to follow along with the hypothetical scenario created by the OP.

 

"Just sayin'--it happens that way on both sides of the fence........

 

unfortunately.

 

(oh, and may the Schwartz be with you........)

[jthorne]

GG,

Your point is well taken. Seems to me that a lot of A's on this site were started "innocently" by flirting or flirting/chatting online out of boredom.

 

I knew right away that this wasn't about you. Know why? Because I know you would never cross that line.

[Dexter Morgan]

GG, I completely agree.

 

not saying that in some cases there is a real problem in the marriage, but IMO, most of the time, its just the person that is more apt to stray simply gets bored with married life, not that their spouse doesn't keep the love going.

 

some people can't handle having sex with the same person for the rest of their lives. the rest of us aren't so superficial and shallow.

[East7]

I found this on a website, interesting and relevant to the thread:

Sorry it is long but I find this amazingly true.

 

A predictable pattern:

• They push men for commitment
  
• They get what they want
  
• They lose interest in sex
  
• They become attracted to someone else
  
• They start cheating
  
• They become angry and resentful
  
• They begin telling their partners that they need time apart
  
• They blame their partners for their behavior...and eventually, after making themselves and everyone around them miserable for an indefinite, but usually, long period of time, they end their relationships or marriages.
  

 

Prior to cheating they always proclaimed to be "not the type" who would ever cheat. However, also like most other females, after they have cheated, they're shocked and appalled by their behavior; but at the same time they say can't stop cheating.

STAGE 1

Women at Stage 1 feel as though something is missing in their lives. They have all the things that they wanted—a home, a family, a great husband—but they feel they should be happier. Over time, many women in this stage begin to lose interest in sex. It is not uncommon for them to spend a great deal of energy trying to avoid physical contact with their husbands because they fear it might lead to a sexual encounter. They frequently complain of physical ailments to avoid having sex and often try to avoid going to bed at the same time as their husbands. They view sex as a job, not unlike doing the dishes or going to the grocery store. Some women in Stage 1 claim they feel violated when their husbands touch them. Their bodies freeze up and they feel tightness in their chest and/or a sick feeling in their stomach. The majority of women in Stage 1 feel as though there is something wrong with them, that they are in some way defective. They are also fearful that their disinterest in sex will cause their husbands to cheat, or worse yet, leave them.

 

Stage 2

Women at Stage 2 experience reawakened desire stimulated by an encounter outside the marital relationship. Whether these encounters with a "new" man involves sex or remain platonic, women will typically give a tremendous amount of emotional significance to these encounters.

Many women in this stage haven't felt any sexual desire for a long time. Many experience tremendous guilt and regret, regardless of whether their new relationships are sexual, merely emotional, or both. Most begin to experience what could be termed an identity crisis—even those who try to put the experience behind them. Constant reminders are everywhere. They feel guilt when the topic of infidelity arises, whether in the media, in conversations with family and friends, or at home with their husbands. Women in this stage can no longer express their prior disdain for infidelity without feeling like a hypocrite. They feel as though they have lost a part of themselves. Reflecting society’s belief that women are either “good” or “bad,” women will question their “good girl” status and feel that they might not be deserving of their husbands. Many will try to overcome feelings of guilt by becoming more attentive toward and appreciative of their husbands. However, over time many women will move from appreciation to justification. In order to justify their continued desire for other men, women will begin to attribute these desires to needs that are not being met in their marriage, or to their husband’s past behavior. Many women will become negative and sarcastic when speaking of their husbands and their marriages and it is not uncommon for an extramarital affair to follow.

STAGE 3

Women at Stage 3 are involved in affairs, ending affairs, or contemplating divorce. Women who are having affairs experience feelings unlike anything they have experienced before. They feel “alive” again and many believe they have found their soul mates. These women are experiencing feelings associated with a chemically altered state, or what is typically referred to as being in love.

These women are also typically in tremendous pain, the pain of choosing between their husbands and their new love interests. They typically believe that what they are doing is wrong and unfair to their husbands, but yet are unable to end their affairs. Many often try several times. Prior to meeting with their lovers, they will vow that it will be the last time, but they are unable to stick with their decisions.

Unable to end their extramarital relationships, women at Stage 3 conclude that their lovers are soul mates because they are unaware that they have become addicted to the high caused by chemicals released during the initial stages of a relationship. Many live in a state of limbo for years. “Should I stay married or should I get a divorce?” this is the question continuously on the minds of women at Stage 3 - it is also common for women at this stage to attempt to initiate a separation. In most cases, husbands of women at Stage 3, will launch futile attempts to make their wives happy by being more attentive, spending more time at home and helping out around the house. Regardless of women’s past and present complaints, the last thing women at Stage 3 want, is to spend more time with their husbands.

The reason many women will give for their desire to separate is a “search for self.” They convince their husbands that they might be able to save their marriage if they can just have time to themselves. They tell their husbands that time apart is the only hope of improving their current situation. Women at this stage want to free themselves of the restrictions of marriage and spend more time with their lovers. Most think that eventually their confusion will disappear. They think they will eventually know with certainty whether they want to stay married or get divorced and be with their lovers. Separation allows women at this stage, to enjoy the high they experience with their lovers without giving up the security of their marriages. Husbands of Stage 3 women are often unaware that their wives are having affairs. Their lack of suspicion is typically due to their wife’s disinterest in sex and in their belief that their wife is a “good girl.”

Women at Stage 3 may also be experiencing the ending of an extramarital affair, and the ending may not have been their decision. They may have been involved with single men who either lost interest because the relationship could not progress or who became attracted to another women who was single. Women whose affairs are ending often experience extreme grief. They may become deeply depressed and express tremendous anger toward their husbands. They are typically unaware that they are experiencing chemical withdrawal due to sudden changes in their brain chemistry. As a result, many will feel that they have missed their chance at happiness due to their indecisiveness.

Believing they have become more aware of what they want and need from a mate, women at this stage will often place the utmost importance on finding a "new" relationship that will give them the feeling they experienced in their affairs. A new relationship with a new partner will also represent a clean slate, a chance for these women to regain their “good girl” status. Some women will search for new partners during their separations. Others will return to their marriages, but not emotionally and still continue to search. Some women will resume sporadic sexual relations with their husbands in an effort to safeguard their marriage until they make a decision. Although they are often not sexually attracted to their husbands, desire is temporarily rekindled when they suspect their husbands are unfaithful, are contemplating infidelity, or when their husbands show signs of moving on.

[Woggle]

This thing is so common these days it is almost cliche and women wonder why many men don't trust the female gender. The sad thing is that these women get loads of sympathy while a man is condemned as a jerk if he hangs out with his coworkers as evidenced by another thread.

[jthorne]

This thing is so common these days it is almost cliche and women wonder why many men don't trust the female gender. The sad thing is that these women get loads of sympathy while a man is condemned as a jerk if he hangs out with his coworkers as evidenced by another thread.

Huh? My hubby is hanging with his co-workers right now. What do I care if he has a couple beers and kicks back with the folks he works with? Maybe he'll even buy the next round.

 

I guess I missed the thread to which you are referring.

[Woggle]

Huh? My hubby is hanging with his co-workers right now. What do I care if he has a couple beers and kicks back with the folks he works with? Maybe he'll even buy the next round.

 

I guess I missed the thread to which you are referring.

 

This right here.http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t253122/

 

I also notice the way some women freak out about porn but affairs are just fine for them.

[Mimolicious]

Talking about my past life again? Difference was my xH was the one going to the "gym" but you left out how I was his SLAVE, who generated his celeb status. Oh yes, I was guilty of not seeing the obvious... That after all that "Working out" he still didnt have a six-pack like me. Ha!

 

Clown he was...

Edited November 18, 2010 by Mimolicious

[whichwayisup]

The sad thing is that these women get loads of sympathy while a man is condemned as a jerk if he hangs out with his coworkers as evidenced by another thread.

 

her husband cheated on her, had an EA, but no proof of a PA. I think she has every right to be concerned, even more so since the OW is more than likely in that drinking crowd..

 

Anyway, good thread GG.

 

Innocent flirting and fun flirting at times has it's purpose, we all have it happen to us in our lives, no big deal, it's fun, makes one feel good and that's it, no intentions behind the words. Makes your day more, puts a smile on your face. Again, no big deal.

 

Problem with some men and women is, if they are unhappy in their marriage or with themselves, that flirting gets taken out of context, taken too personally, they get attached and used to having flirting/attention to make them feel better about themselves.. Hense an affair happening is the next stage.

[wicar1]

Same thing day in and day out.

 

Wake up at 5:30 am cuddle and have some fun with my husband.

Wake my kids at 6:00.

Get out of bed at 6:30 to start my day.

Shower, make coffee, lunches, throw in a load of laundry.

Send kids off.

Kiss husband and send us both off.

Long boring day at work.

Text and chat with my husband occasionally throughout the day.

Done work head to gym, boring workout and then home for cooking, cleaning, homework with kids etc etc etc.

 

BORING...

 

Hey who's that hot guy at the gym...Talking to him may make the gym more fun:D:D

 

Oh he's fun. I love his sense of humor we get each other.

 

Exchange numbers to casually text to meet up at the gym again since it made it much more interesting and we had a lot in common.

 

Ahhh he text me during work. ~giggle~ he's funny.

 

and so it begins... no breakdown of the marriage no unhappiness with my husband just boredom with the daily drudgery of life and this is such a fun distraction that really makes me feel good.

 

I begin to arrive at the gym earlier and earlier and stay a lot longer. My marriage THEN begins to be a little troubled because I am distant and keeping secrets from my husband...and so begins the downward spiral and lying to myself and everyone else.

 

It's all my husbands fault though. He should have kept me from being bored...he should have helped more with the kids so I could have more fun...he should have helped keep the house neater so i could have more time to play...

 

 

The other women like to insist that if someone cheats there is something wrong with the marriage.

Nope I don't agree and this is an example of why. After the flirting and affair began then there is a HUGE breakdown in the marriage but the breakdown was a result of the affair not vice versa.

 

disclaimer* this is not a true story about my life.

 

so true !!!

[jennie-jennie]

Some women will resume sporadic sexual relations with their husbands in an effort to safeguard their marriage until they make a decision.

 

Yep, this is exactly what my MM did last summer. Once. Next time he will just blame it on ED.

 

Interesting read, East7. I have always been fascinated by these women who lose sexual interest in their husband once they got him. I never could understand that. Guess I like sex too much.

[SouthernSunshine]

Everytime I cheated, I blamed my husband . I'm pretty sick tho.