monetta Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 i just caught my husband downloading porn (photos, videos and even magazines). earlier i asked him to download some movies that i would like to watch. since our internet is not that fast, he downloads all my requests at his work. he slept early tonight and didnt bother to wake him up for his portable hard drive. so i just took it from his bag and had a look. i was searching for it when i accidentally clicked on "Misc" folder instead of the "Movies" folder... and then my heart started beating so fast when i saw all these porn downloads. i feel so betrayed, unwanted and unattractive. we used to have sex a lot, talk about it and how important it is to us. but lately he wont even have sex with me unless i initiate it. and sometimes i feel unwanted and hurt when he turns me down (yes sometimes he does)... he just suddenly became lazy in bed, i dont know why, as if i did something wrong? i always try my best to make our marriage life exciting, happy and different for him/us. it really torments me as i feel unwanted. now i dont know if i should confront him about the porn thing or just pretend as if i didnt see anything. we were together for 5 yrs before marriage and we are celebrating our first year wedding anniversary this sunday. i am so confused and very very sad and low at the moment. i really need to vent so thank you so much for reading.
goingstrong Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 Most men view porn at one time or another and it is nothing personal with the wife, but when it interferes with your sex life, then it is an issue. 1. What kinda porn is it? If it is gay or extreme fetish, you're in for some hurt.Your gonna need to get him some therapy for the extreme fetish, or if it is gay stuff then your gonna have to accept that he is most likely gay 2. If it is typical run of the mill man/woman stuff, then how about if you lay down some guidelines and watch it together? Good luck.
Author monetta Posted November 17, 2010 Author Posted November 17, 2010 thanks goingstrong. its just normal man/woman stuff and some girls on webcam. should i confront him about it? if yes, how do i say it? i am so confused. thanks for all the help.
xpaperxcutx Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 I would have no problem with an SO watching porn provided he tell me he watches them or has an interest in them. Yes, there is certainly a problem if porn is affecting your sex life. I would certainly confront him about it and find a solution to solve our sex life in the process. As his wife, you have a right to voice your opinions and try to reach a compromise.
PandorasBox Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 To the OP didn't you clearly state that he doesn't iniate it anymore? He sometimes turns you down? Then this is where the problem truly is. You are gonna get ppl on here who tell you its ok, and it human nature, ans let him do it etc, yap yap yap, HOWEVER if its affecting you, then its a problem. If its a problem for you then yes you need to talk to him about it, let him know how you feel. Will he stop, probably not but he still needs to hear your voice on the issue. How about a compromise, do think he would be up for that? Are you totally against porn, if not you should be able to look as well. Tell him its ok if he looks you understand and that its human nature for women to look to.
goingstrong Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 should i confront him about it? if yes, how do i say it? i am so confused. thanks for all the help. Definitely confront him about it. If you don't, then you're just going to stew about it and be resentful. Whatever you do, don't get mad about it when you confront him.... by not getting mad, that gives you control of the situation.If you start off by getting him mad, then he will get defensive and shut down.. Try something like " thanks for downloading the movies and I noticed you downloaded a few extras as well....I kinda like the one were the girl was doing this thing with the guy... and then go from there. This will at least get his attention and get him to listen to you. I'm over simplifying this whole things though. If you jump on board totally, then he is going to take that as a green light to do whatever the hell he wants. Keep in mind that you mentioned that your sex life is being affected, so after initially breaking the ice about it, mention that part to him, and then set some guidelines...those of course are up to you and him.
TaraMaiden Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 Open 'Word.doc.' Write this: "I found your porno downloads. I feel very offended that you should do something like this, knowing that our sex-life is completely unsatisfactory and non-existent. Is this fulfilling your needs? Ever stopped to think about mine? Why the hell not talk to me and be open with me? I'm your wife, for god's sake, don't you think I deserve a little more respect than this??" Then put it in the 'Misc' file. And delete the downloads. That should get things moving.
young&inlove Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 Open 'Word.doc.' Write this: "I found your porno downloads. I feel very offended that you should do something like this, knowing that our sex-life is completely unsatisfactory and non-existent. Is this fulfilling your needs? Ever stopped to think about mine? Why the hell not talk to me and be open with me? I'm your wife, for god's sake, don't you think I deserve a little more respect than this??" Then put it in the 'Misc' file. And delete the downloads. That should get things moving. O.M.G. I love it. This is brilliant! Such a great idea. I would totally want to be there when he opens it though just to see his jaw drop. OP. I really hope everything works out for you and your man.
Author monetta Posted November 17, 2010 Author Posted November 17, 2010 i was actually thinking of writing him a note/letter as i am really bad with confrontations especially if the situation is like this. but i really dont know how to start and what to say until the word document idea.... and that is what i exactly feel. thank you. will let you know what his reaction will be. thank you so much. living far away from my family and bestfriends is really difficult. but with people like you all, who listens and takes time for peope like me makes a lot of difference.
mitchell Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 The key to a good marriage is communication. You need to overcome your inhibition about confrontations and talk to your husband about this situation. Don't be passive aggressive and leave him a not in place of his files. Sit him down and tell him you need to talk about the porn files you found on his hard drive. Tell him you weren't snooping but just happened across the files. Then discuss your feelings about your sex life. Let him know about your needs and how hurt you feel that he is not taking care of you sexually. Tell him that it's not right for him to watch porn, pleasure himself, and then ignore his wife. What are your feelings about porn? Are you offended or would you be willing to watch with him?
Lecturer Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 Wow, this seems like a bit of an over-reaction to me. Nearly all men view porn these days, along with a huge portion of women. I'm not sure the cause-effect suggested here is accurate. Perhaps he is feeling his waining sex drive, and it is bothering him. Perhaps the porn is to try to revive his sex drive, as he feels ashamed and embarrassed.. even emasculated that he no longer has the drive to enjoy sex with his wife. The point is, you don't KNOW what his motivation is. You need to find out before convicting him of this 'horrendous' crime. Yes, a discussion is badly needed, but not a confrontation. That is the worst thing you could do, trust me. If you come to him supportive and trying to be understanding, he will be less likely to try to hide things from you in the future. The fact that you are so outraged is exactly the reason he was hiding it.
FanFan Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 O.M.G. I love it. This is brilliant! Such a great idea. I would totally want to be there when he opens it though just to see his jaw drop. OP. I really hope everything works out for you and your man. OMG? What are you, a teenager?
xpaperxcutx Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 Wow, this seems like a bit of an over-reaction to me. Nearly all men view porn these days, along with a huge portion of women. I'm not sure the cause-effect suggested here is accurate. Perhaps he is feeling his waining sex drive, and it is bothering him. Perhaps the porn is to try to revive his sex drive, as he feels ashamed and embarrassed.. even emasculated that he no longer has the drive to enjoy sex with his wife. The point is, you don't KNOW what his motivation is. You need to find out before convicting him of this 'horrendous' crime. Yes, a discussion is badly needed, but not a confrontation. That is the worst thing you could do, trust me. If you come to him supportive and trying to be understanding, he will be less likely to try to hide things from you in the future. The fact that you are so outraged is exactly the reason he was hiding it. Uh no, your statistis are wrong. Some men view porn everyday, some have viewed porn and don't like it. See the difference?
TaraMaiden Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 Wow, this seems like a bit of an over-reaction to me. Nearly all men view porn these days, along with a huge portion of women. I'm not sure the cause-effect suggested here is accurate. Perhaps he is feeling his waining sex drive, and it is bothering him. Perhaps the porn is to try to revive his sex drive, as he feels ashamed and embarrassed.. even emasculated that he no longer has the drive to enjoy sex with his wife. The point is, you don't KNOW what his motivation is. You need to find out before convicting him of this 'horrendous' crime. Yes, a discussion is badly needed, but not a confrontation. That is the worst thing you could do, trust me. If you come to him supportive and trying to be understanding, he will be less likely to try to hide things from you in the future. The fact that you are so outraged is exactly the reason he was hiding it. Not so. Quite the opposite. The reason she is outraged is exactly because he was hiding it. People are missing the point. It's not just the porn. It's the deceit and the covert and hidden actions. He might as well be using drugs in secrecy, drinking in secrecy or gambling in secrecy. The fact that it's porn makes matters worse, because the man is lusting after the actions and physical aspects of other women. That is a betrayal of sorts, and an invalidation of his wife, a lack of respect. Many men feel this is making a mountain out of a molehill, but they just don't get how hurtful and soul-destroying such actions can be. In a healthy, functioning and sexually active relationship, porn-gazing can be a turn-on. In a situation such as this one, it can only be damaging, whatever the motive. Discussion should certainly take place, but actually, it is he who is guilty of poor communication, not her. He is guilty of shutting her out and not talking to her. She isn't. So, I still say: Go with the letter. If he feels the way to go is to hide things from you in a file, play him at his own game, and see how quickly he opens up to communication then. Of course, it could make him angry, and withdraw even more deeply. well then, you go for Plan B. It's either counselling, or the Highway.
InternationalPlayboy Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 Not so. Quite the opposite. The reason she is outraged is exactly because he was hiding it. People are missing the point. It's not just the porn. It's the deceit and the covert and hidden actions. He might as well be using drugs in secrecy, drinking in secrecy or gambling in secrecy. The fact that it's porn makes matters worse, because the man is lusting after the actions and physical aspects of other women. That is a betrayal of sorts, and an invalidation of his wife, a lack of respect. Many men feel this is making a mountain out of a molehill, but they just don't get how hurtful and soul-destroying such actions can be. In a healthy, functioning and sexually active relationship, porn-gazing can be a turn-on. In a situation such as this one, it can only be damaging, whatever the motive. Discussion should certainly take place, but actually, it is he who is guilty of poor communication, not her. He is guilty of shutting her out and not talking to her. She isn't. So, I still say: Go with the letter. If he feels the way to go is to hide things from you in a file, play him at his own game, and see how quickly he opens up to communication then. Of course, it could make him angry, and withdraw even more deeply. well then, you go for Plan B. It's either counselling, or the Highway. I agree with you the deceit is the true problem here, not the porn. But, if I may offer some insight from the male persuasion, many guys are raised to be not exceptionally proud of their masturbation sessions and pornography collections. This may explain why he hides it. I don't think he's intentionally trying to cause harm by doing this, but may in fact be trying to show some modesty or embarrassment. I never, ever leave the door open when I use the toilet - not because I'm trying to conceal anything from my wife but simply because I'd like a degree of privacy and would rather spare her from the details. When I hide my porn - which isn't as often as it once was - my reasoning was essentially the same, it's not something to be proud of. But I could be totally off-base here.
goingstrong Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 Open 'Word.doc.' Write this: "I found your porno downloads. I feel very offended that you should do something like this, knowing that our sex-life is completely unsatisfactory and non-existent. Is this fulfilling your needs? Ever stopped to think about mine? Why the hell not talk to me and be open with me? I'm your wife, for god's sake, don't you think I deserve a little more respect than this??" Then put it in the 'Misc' file. And delete the downloads. That should get things moving. M, whatever you do, do not do this. If you really want to control the situation, this is the exact opposite of what should be done. It is a typical domineering, female, emotional type reaction to tell a man how he should masturbate and what he should be thinking of when he does. He is a grown man, if you tell him what to do in a nasty manner like that, then most likely he will do the exact opposite. If you follow that terrible advice given above by the poster quoted, I will guarantee that you will make the situation worse one of several ways. 1. He will lie and agree with you and hide his porn better. 2. He will deny it. 3. He will take you head on and tell you to mind your own business You cannot change a person, you can only change the way you react to a person, which may/may not change the way they behave.
SouthernSunshine Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 M, whatever you do, do not do this. If you really want to control the situation, this is the exact opposite of what should be done. It is a typical domineering, female, emotional type reaction to tell a man how he should masturbate and what he should be thinking of when he does. He is a grown man, if you tell him what to do in a nasty manner like that, then most likely he will do the exact opposite. If you follow that terrible advice given above by the poster quoted, I will guarantee that you will make the situation worse one of several ways. 1. He will lie and agree with you and hide his porn better. 2. He will deny it. 3. He will take you head on and tell you to mind your own business You cannot change a person, you can only change the way you react to a person, which may/may not change the way they behave. Bravo!! I completely agree with this! My best friend constantly finds dirty magazines & porno dvds then confronts her husband, and throws them away... Just to turn around and find more later. She says it never ends.
starryeyed12 Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 (edited) You cannot change a person, you can only change the way you react to a person, which may/may not change the way they behave. Well said. ^ This is so true. If porn is his thing right now, it will remain this way until he decides to change it. People's feelings/opinions/insights can have an influence or effect on another person in terms of influencing or driving them to want to create change in their life. It's important that she lets him know how she feels. But I agree that this needs to be done in a very respectful way. Ambushing him with a surprise attack will only embarass and unnerve him. They have only been married for 1 year, so how they decide to handle this issue may just set the tone for a while. I think the OP should try and be honest with everything she is feeling in the least judging way possible. Theres no easy way out of this one. Edited November 18, 2010 by starryeyed12
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