I think he has Asperger Syndrome

[northern_sky]

Please no snarky comments. I'm just not in the mood.

 

He wanted to see me yesterday. I hemmed and hawed but eventually decided to invite him over to my place really late. I was too lazy to put in any effort, because he has killed my enthusiasm, so we just hung out in my room and watched a movie. We made out and did some other stuff, but no sex, which he seemed OK with. He slept over.

 

I'm starting to see more things that bother me about him. I think he may have Aspergers. He is so emotionally removed, it's weird. Words come out of him in torrents, but it's always related to his interests and a lot of the times those are very dry. This is true when he's around others too. Like he'll go on a long spiel about some business deal he's working on or the merits of a certain kind of film camera. He's not boring. Because he's so smart, he manages to make almost any topic interesting, but there's something a tad bit robotic about him...hence my Aspergers speculation.

 

He doesn't ask me many questions. When he does it's often prompted by a question I ask him about himself first. Like if I ask, "what did you want to be as a kid?" he'll answer my question in detail. Then they'll be a long pause and he'll ask me the same thing, almost as a polite afterthought. I wonder if he actually cares. That said, he is great at remembering everything I've said in our conversations and things I like and dislike, but the cynic in me wonders if that's just because he has an amazing memory for detail. He brought over a bunch of movies that he had picked based on what I said I liked or hadn't seen in our previous conversations (things I don't even remember saying), so he is thoughtful, but I dunno...

 

He is so emotionally removed that I feel reluctant to say anything that could be perceived as at all emotional. For example, last night it was pouring as we fell asleep. The sound was beautiful on the roof. I was about to say, "I love rain at night," but then stopped myself because I was worried he would perceive it as too emotionally charged. Finally, I said it anyway, and he made some hyper-rational comment about growing up under a lot of peaked roofs that amplified the sound of rain.

 

Other things I learned about him. He has wandered through a bunch of different interests in looking for a career. He says that he tends to get really into something for awhile and then quickly burn out and move on to something else. I thought this was interesting and wondered if there was any connection between that and his inability to commit to one girl for a long period (all his past relationships have fizzled out fast). Maybe this is also why his interest in me started with a small bang and then died. :/ I get the feeling he is kind of passionless. To me his burning through careers and women suggests a lack of inner glow.

 

The only time he reveals any emotional vulnerability is when we are physical. He's almost child like then. He kind of whimpers in an innocent way and seems like he's being taken over with feeling. But to me that is "faux intimacy."

 

I don't know why I am continuing to see him. I have lost all of my enthusiasm. I just have this blah feeling even when he's there. I don't get excited anymore. I don't feel acknowledged as a person. I think everything changed when he wrote me that letter. I feel that I am just settling for this because I think that I can't do better. I am starting to just assume that any guy I like will only be lukewarm about me, and that's normal and acceptable. But it wasn't like this a couple of years ago. The guys I dated then were very into me. Since my ex dumped me, I feel that I have been accepting subpar treatment, as if I don't deserve better. That retarded LS thread I started didn't help, and also lowered my self esteem.

 

I really feel determined to never initiate contact with him again. I have let him do most of the initiating recently, but at this point I'm totally going cold turkey, even if that means this dies. I almost don't care.

 

EDIT: I am rereading the diagnostic criteria for Asperger Syndrome, and he fits it to a T. His lack of social finesse, his tendency to go on about one topic that only interests him, his fascination in parts of objects, his intense focus followed by apathy, etc.

 

This is totally him: "Individuals with AS may collect volumes of detailed information on a relatively narrow topic such as weather data or star names, without necessarily having genuine understanding of the broader topic."

 

He also reminds me a lot of my brother and father, who both have AS to varying degrees (my brother was formally diagnosed, and I just suspect my father).

[Star Gazer]

I don't know why I am continuing to see him. I have lost all of my enthusiasm. I just have this blah feeling even when he's there. I don't get excited anymore.

 

So you're emotionally removed too. Are you an aspie?

 

EDIT: I am rereading the diagnostic criteria for Asperger Syndrome, and he fits it to a T. His lack of social finesse, his tendency to go on about one topic that only interests him, his fascination in parts of objects, his intense focus followed by apathy, etc.

 

With all due respect, you could also be talking about yourself here. You're socially awkward, are NOW emotionally removed from him, were once focused and now feel apathetic...

 

I'm not for a second suggesting you're an Aspie, but the data you're relying on could be attributable to many different things.

 

You have a tendency of desperately looking for external reasons, any reason, to blame for why a guy would reject/not want you, a reason that makes it so that it's not about you, or your fault in some way, that he's not interested. Ya gotta stop doing that. If he's not interested in you or what you want, ya gotta just move on and stop terrorizing yourself.

 

But particular to this situation, this "relationship" with J was over the moment you had sex with him at that party, before even a first date. Men can emotionally separate sex from feelings. That's all he's doing here. He had no emotional connection with you to build on to begin with. That's why you're not seeing it now.

 

I hope you're able to do the whole "f*******k yoooouuuuu!" thing at the computer screen towards him and finally sever all ties.

[Mme. Chaucer]

WHY are you analyzing this guy? To what purpose?

 

I thought this was interesting and wondered if there was any connection between that and his inability to commit to one girl for a long period (all his past relationships have fizzled out fast).

 

Didn't your initial hook up with this guy happen immediately after the end of his "first serious relationship" (your words)? That implies that he had a ... serious relationship.

 

Maybe this is also why his interest in me started with a small bang and then died. :/ I get the feeling he is kind of passionless.

 

"Small" would be the operative word here, wouldn't it? You got drunk and had sex, right? And the second time you were together, you got sick (I'm sure there was a lot of drama of the type that most fellows would move heaven and earth to avoid, too) and he told you clearly and absolutely that he ONLY wanted a "casual" whatever with you then. Right?

 

(I'm not being snarky. It's a reality / fact check.)

 

 

To me his burning through careers and women suggests a lack of inner glow.

 

To me, your reaction to him suggests "splitting." I'm sure you know what that is, but here's a link:

 

http://www.mental-health-matters.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=69

 

Exactly the same as your expression of ALL guys you've had relationships or less formal contacts with since you've been posting on LS - idealization followed by demonization.

 

Maybe he has AS, maybe he does not. Why is what he might have or not have as a personality disorder or whatever any of your business?

 

I'm sorry, truly and honestly, but your absolute, unquestioned self indulgence with your own unhealthy behavior is so ... unhealthy. Deeply.

 

Shadow, this scenario, just like the others, has been orchestrated solely by YOU. I doubt that any guy could defend himself against getting cornered by all the machinations unless he just ran for the hills as fast as lightening.

 

Can you do something to take better care of yourself, please?

 

I mean, why bother spending all this time trying to make sure J is the bad guy when you could be using these circumstances to evaluate YOUR OWN BEHAVIOR and exactly what YOU are doing to end up here, now.

[sb129]

WHY are you analyzing this guy? To what purpose?

 

I'm sorry, truly and honestly, but your absolute, unquestioned self indulgence with your own unhealthy behavior is so ... unhealthy. Deeply.

 

Shadow, this scenario, just like the others, has been orchestrated solely by YOU. I doubt that any guy could defend himself against getting cornered by all the machinations unless he just ran for the hills as fast as lightening.

Can you do something to take better care of yourself, please?

 

I mean, why bother spending all this time trying to make sure J is the bad guy when you could be using these circumstances to evaluate YOUR OWN BEHAVIOR and exactly what YOU are doing to end up here, now.

 

Beautifully put MC.

 

Shadow- read this again and again and again. Its 100% true.

 

You scare me sometimes with the darkness of your thought processes.

[tigressA]

Thank you, Mme. Chaucer.

 

When I saw your thread title I knew what would be coming. Yet again you've made a defunct relationship into an over-analyzation/blame game, with the fault falling on the guy. He was honest with you throughout. You knew things were unbalanced between you, that you wanted different things, but you still subjected yourself to it. And now you're speculating on him having a disorder?

[Citizen Erased]

No, he is just...not. You may want to think he is but it's very unlikely based on what you said.

[sb129]

He wanted to see me yesterday. I hemmed and hawed but eventually decided to invite him over to my place really late. I was too lazy to put in any effort, because he has killed my enthusiasm, so we just hung out in my room and watched a movie. We made out and did some other stuff, but no sex, which he seemed OK with. He slept over.

I'm starting to see more things that bother me about him..

 

Also- why do you even bother spending any time at all with this person?

 

Give him a chance to hang out with people who actually like him.

[northern_sky]

So you're emotionally removed too. Are you an aspie?

 

 

 

With all due respect, you could also be talking about yourself here. You're socially awkward, are NOW emotionally removed from him, were once focused and now feel apathetic...

 

I'm not for a second suggesting you're an Aspie, but the data you're relying on could be attributable to many different things.

 

You have a tendency of desperately looking for external reasons, any reason, to blame for why a guy would reject/not want you, a reason that makes it so that it's not about you, or your fault in some way, that he's not interested. Ya gotta stop doing that. If he's not interested in you or what you want, ya gotta just move on and stop terrorizing yourself.

 

But particular to this situation, this "relationship" with J was over the moment you had sex with him at that party, before even a first date. Men can emotionally separate sex from feelings. That's all he's doing here. He had no emotional connection with you to build on to begin with. That's why you're not seeing it now.

 

I hope you're able to do the whole "f*******k yoooouuuuu!" thing at the computer screen towards him and finally sever all ties.

 

But I don't think in this case his lack of interest in a relationship DOES have anything to do with me. He felt this way before he met me -- absolutely didn't want a relationship with anyone; I mean it was even on his dating profile that I saw before we hooked up (though we didn't meet online). And other people on LS basically reiterated the same thing -- it's not about me; it's about what he was looking for in genera.

[northern_sky]

WHY are you analyzing this guy? To what purpose?

 

 

 

Didn't your initial hook up with this guy happen immediately after the end of his "first serious relationship" (your words)? That implies that he had a ... serious relationship.

 

 

 

"Small" would be the operative word here, wouldn't it? You got drunk and had sex, right? And the second time you were together, you got sick (I'm sure there was a lot of drama of the type that most fellows would move heaven and earth to avoid, too) and he told you clearly and absolutely that he ONLY wanted a "casual" whatever with you then. Right?

 

(I'm not being snarky. It's a reality / fact check.)

 

 

 

 

To me, your reaction to him suggests "splitting." I'm sure you know what that is, but here's a link:

 

http://www.mental-health-matters.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=69

 

Exactly the same as your expression of ALL guys you've had relationships or less formal contacts with since you've been posting on LS - idealization followed by demonization.

 

Maybe he has AS, maybe he does not. Why is what he might have or not have as a personality disorder or whatever any of your business?

 

I'm sorry, truly and honestly, but your absolute, unquestioned self indulgence with your own unhealthy behavior is so ... unhealthy. Deeply.

 

Shadow, this scenario, just like the others, has been orchestrated solely by YOU. I doubt that any guy could defend himself against getting cornered by all the machinations unless he just ran for the hills as fast as lightening.

 

Can you do something to take better care of yourself, please?

 

I mean, why bother spending all this time trying to make sure J is the bad guy when you could be using these circumstances to evaluate YOUR OWN BEHAVIOR and exactly what YOU are doing to end up here, now.

 

He has told me that he's never been able to sustain a relationship with any girl. That "serious relationship" lasted two months before it ended due to his emotional unavailability (also what he told me). Why are you trying to turn this into something he doesn't like about me, when he's clearly stated it's about him. I mean he's told me several times he likes me a lot and sees the potential for something serious with me, but it's bad timing.

 

Also, you have the facts wrong. He told me after our first date that he hadn't been looking for anything serious before we met, but was open to the idea and wanted to keep dating me and see what happened. It was only a couple of dates later that he came out and said he saw potential with me but wanted to be casual for now.

[northern_sky]

I don't understand the tone of some of the responses. Maybe he doesn't have Aspergers, but I don't understand why you guys are trying to hammer home that it's something about me that he doesn't like...when everything he has said and done indicates he's not looking for a relationship with anyone. And so what if I realize that I don't like his personality? Isn't that a good thing? I mean before I had him on a pedestal. I'm now realizing that he is just an emotionally unavailable person -- I mean I even asked him once if he was and he laughed and said that he is. So, what's wrong with me acknowledging that??

[northern_sky]

When I first got involved with him, a bunch of people told me not to because I knew going in that he wasn't looking for a relationship with anyone (based on his profile). They told me if I saw him I'd take it as a rejection if he didn't want anything serious with me, when it didn't have to do with me.

 

Now that people are annoyed that I'm choosing to not see it as a rejection of me and rather his own issues.

 

Before, I had him on a pedestal. Now I'm seeing that a relationship with him would be unpleasant because he has issues. What is wrong with that?? Isn't that exactly what I need to be seeing?

 

Btw, all this stuff I mentioned about his lack of emotions I picked up on IMMEDIATELY the first time I met him, before I had any emotional investment or felt a connection. It's not stuff I'm making up. It's all there. In fact, my roommate who isn't friends with him said the same stuff about him when she first met him. It's just that in my fog of attraction I chose to ignore my first impression, and now I'm realizing how accurate it was.

[Star Gazer]

WHY are you analyzing this guy? To what purpose?

 

 

 

Didn't your initial hook up with this guy happen immediately after the end of his "first serious relationship" (your words)? That implies that he had a ... serious relationship.

 

 

 

"Small" would be the operative word here, wouldn't it? You got drunk and had sex, right? And the second time you were together, you got sick (I'm sure there was a lot of drama of the type that most fellows would move heaven and earth to avoid, too) and he told you clearly and absolutely that he ONLY wanted a "casual" whatever with you then. Right?

 

(I'm not being snarky. It's a reality / fact check.)

 

 

 

 

To me, your reaction to him suggests "splitting." I'm sure you know what that is, but here's a link:

 

http://www.mental-health-matters.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=69

 

Exactly the same as your expression of ALL guys you've had relationships or less formal contacts with since you've been posting on LS - idealization followed by demonization.

 

Maybe he has AS, maybe he does not. Why is what he might have or not have as a personality disorder or whatever any of your business?

 

I'm sorry, truly and honestly, but your absolute, unquestioned self indulgence with your own unhealthy behavior is so ... unhealthy. Deeply.

 

Shadow, this scenario, just like the others, has been orchestrated solely by YOU. I doubt that any guy could defend himself against getting cornered by all the machinations unless he just ran for the hills as fast as lightening.

 

Can you do something to take better care of yourself, please?

 

I mean, why bother spending all this time trying to make sure J is the bad guy when you could be using these circumstances to evaluate YOUR OWN BEHAVIOR and exactly what YOU are doing to end up here, now.

 

Fabulous post. So well said!!

 

When I saw your thread title I knew what would be coming. Yet again you've made a defunct relationship into an over-analyzation/blame game, with the fault falling on the guy. He was honest with you throughout. You knew things were unbalanced between you, that you wanted different things, but you still subjected yourself to it. And now you're speculating on him having a disorder?

 

That's what I was trying to say in my first post in this thread, but didn't say it as bluntly. Good job.

[Knittress]

Wouldn't be compatible with me - I like my men affectionate and emotionally connected. If this guy makes you feel blah - stop hanging out with him, it doesn't matter WHY. If you stick around long enough you're going to start mistaking those blah feelings about him for blah feelings about you.

[xpaperxcutx]

I would never try to semi- diagnosis anyone I know with information found on the web. That is just disrespectful.

[Surrealist]

Wouldn't be compatible with me - I like my men affectionate and emotionally connected. If this guy makes you feel blah - stop hanging out with him, it doesn't matter WHY. If you stick around long enough you're going to start mistaking those blah feelings about him for blah feelings about you.

 

On the contrary, OP needs to take a good hard look at herself. Thankfully the good advice on this thread from other women is doing that.

[northern_sky]

I'm done posting on here. I feel like no matter what I post, I alway get attacked, and people have a really simplistic way of viewing relationships. I only hang around anymore to read the few users whose posts I like and they are becoming fewer and fewer. This place has just become depressing.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Why are you trying to turn this into something he doesn't like about me, when he's clearly stated it's about him. I mean he's told me several times he likes me a lot and sees the potential for something serious with me, but it's bad timing.

 

I have no clue where you got the idea that I was "trying to turn this into something he doesn't like" about you.

 

I was just hoping to remind you that where he stood has always been clearly defined, and that no matter what kinds of scenarios you try to institute with him, he still stood just where he did in the beginning ...

 

AND, that you adored everything about him at first, and now you are casting him in a role of an ill, undesirable, loserly misfit of several kinds. Just for continuing to be the person he was when you were mad about him.

 

I have no idea whatsoever what J thinks about you, and have no interest in guessing. All I know is what you have posted here, about YOUR behavior in relation to J.

[OceanGirl]

Based on the e-mails I have seen exchanged between them - J does respect Shadow and values her as a friend. He likes her as a person and he is attracted to her. Yes, this doesn't fit the mold of what you all think of her. It's a pity - Shadow is pretty amazing woman and he sees that in her. He has his own emotional issues and is sincere in not being ready for a relationship. It's as simple as that.

[Star Gazer]

I was just hoping to remind you that where he stood has always been clearly defined, and that no matter what kinds of scenarios you try to institute with him, he still stood just where he did in the beginning ...

 

AND, that you adored everything about him at first, and now you are casting him in a role of an ill, undesirable, loserly misfit of several kinds. Just for continuing to be the person he was when you were mad about him.

 

Agreed. She's looking to blame him NOW for the person he's always been, the person she initially was so smitten with. It's because he doesn't return the sentiment that he's now this horrible person.

[xpaperxcutx]

Based on the e-mails I have seen exchanged between them - J does respect Shadow and values her as a friend. He likes her as a person and he is attracted to her. Yes, this doesn't fit the mold of what you all think of her. It's a pity - Shadow is pretty amazing woman and he sees that in her. He has his own emotional issues and is sincere in not being ready for a relationship. It's as simple as that.

 

Here's the thing- SP has a habit of " omitting" information. Whatever she may wish to divulge or not, I know we're only ever going to get her side of the story, not his, hence to bring those emails into this topic is irrelevent. Since we haven't read them, our opinions and comments are based on observations of SP's behaviour.

[OceanGirl]

No, I believe that Shadow is looking for faults in him as a self-protection mechanism. If she thinks that he is not perfect, if she writes that he is not perfect, it will help her de-attach. I also believe that the flaws she pointed out are pretty legit. I am not sure if he is an aspie - but he is highly intelligent and many highly intelligent men have some aspie traits.

[xpaperxcutx]

No, I believe that Shadow is looking for faults in him as a self-protection mechanism. If she thinks that he is not perfect, if she writes that he is not perfect, it will help her de-attach. I also believe that the flaws she pointed out are pretty legit. I am not sure if he is an aspie - but he is highly intelligent and many highly intelligent men have some aspie traits.

 

I didn't say she wasn't. Her behaviour has always indicated this. The only thing is she blatantly goes out of her way to find these faults and then come on here expecting everyone to agree with her. Otherwise, she throws a tantrum.

 

We're not attacking her but this kind of behavior can be very self destructive.

Edited November 19, 2010 by xpaperxcutx

[Mme. Chaucer]

Based on the e-mails I have seen exchanged between them - J does respect Shadow and values her as a friend. He likes her as a person and he is attracted to her. Yes, this doesn't fit the mold of what you all think of her. It's a pity - Shadow is pretty amazing woman and he sees that in her. He has his own emotional issues and is sincere in not being ready for a relationship. It's as simple as that.

 

I have no argument with this, and I don't think I have expressed that I have.

 

My issue with the whole scene is that the guy has not misrepresented himself, and he has (as far as we've been told) not changed.

 

But now he is "bad" because he did not change per Shadow's program.

 

I don't care one way or the other about that guy & am not defending him. I know Shadow through all her posts here and my interest is in her - whether she wants to address her own behavior in the situations she sets up with men. It's absolutely, 100% about Shadow; those guys are more or less interchangeble. It sure seems like an ingrained pattern. Not a healthy one.

[Star Gazer]

My issue with the whole scene is that the guy has not misrepresented himself, and he has (as far as we've been told) not changed.

 

But now he is "bad" because he did not change per Shadow's program.

 

... the situations she sets up with men. It's absolutely, 100% about Shadow; those guys are more or less interchangeble. It sure seems like an ingrained pattern. Not a healthy one.

 

So true. All of it.

 

In short: the common denominator in the problems in Shadow's livelife is Shadow herself.

 

She could be soooooo happy if she just worked on her own worst enemy.

[OceanGirl]

Yeah, she has some issues (I should be the last person talking ) but they are not nearly as bad as lots of people make them out to be.

 

Underneath it all, she has soooo much to offer - she is truly exceptional.