4321sn Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 Day 1 I almost caved this morning already. Stopped myself and the feeling passed. I'm going to call friends to see if I can meet someone for coffee to distract myself. My step mother stopped by my house this morning while I was waiting for the school bus. I've avoided her and my dad for months because I've been depressed, ashamed and miserable...
myname Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 Day 1 I almost caved this morning already. Stopped myself and the feeling passed. I'm going to call friends to see if I can meet someone for coffee to distract myself. My step mother stopped by my house this morning while I was waiting for the school bus. I've avoided her and my dad for months because I've been depressed, ashamed and miserable... Well done, and good luck with your day today. I had a work email from MM this morning, I had to reply as he asked me a direct work related question, said to me not to worry and he would speak to me properly soon, which I didn't acknowledge, but I did sign off 'hope you're ok', and now he's replied 'ok, but not ok'. Struggling not to reply with all my sympathy etc, but luckily have to leave the office for the afternoon now and will have no internet access where I'm going. all the best sweetie, it's hard not to feel ashamed, I know, but let other people be nice to you.
Author 4321sn Posted November 17, 2010 Author Posted November 17, 2010 It must be difficult to work with him. Do you have to see him often or mostly email? It is good you are working. I'm home at the moment and this hours pass so slowly. I'm in bed most of the time saving my energie for when my kids get home. We texted a bit last night... He said "I want you to have peace... I think we are good for each other but perhaps I am not good for you right now... Idk. Think about it... You said yourself that you have not been happy since last summer :(" so I said "you are right. At this moment you are not good for me. You need to work through your fears in order to end things and then you can contact me." he said "I understand" I said "And I am serious...if you contact me before you are out, I will have to block your number and email" then he says "I think we should try to work through this together. I think we need to remain honest... I think we were to each other today. I am very sad. I know I can change so I will try. I don't want to fail you. You mean more to me than you know." and that is where we are at this moment...
myname Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 It must be difficult to work with him. Do you have to see him often or mostly email? It is good you are working. I'm home at the moment and this hours pass so slowly. I'm in bed most of the time saving my energie for when my kids get home. We texted a bit last night... He said "I want you to have peace... I think we are good for each other but perhaps I am not good for you right now... Idk. Think about it... You said yourself that you have not been happy since last summer :(" so I said "you are right. At this moment you are not good for me. You need to work through your fears in order to end things and then you can contact me." he said "I understand" I said "And I am serious...if you contact me before you are out, I will have to block your number and email" then he says "I think we should try to work through this together. I think we need to remain honest... I think we were to each other today. I am very sad. I know I can change so I will try. I don't want to fail you. You mean more to me than you know." and that is where we are at this moment... Luckily he is freelance, so hardly ever comes into the office, it would be impossible for me to keep no contact if I could see him about all the time. And I would find it very hard not to be responding, or hoping and waiting, if I was getting the sort of texts you're getting. It was bad enough MM saying he would contact me properly sometime, and that he was ok but not ok. As ever that's all very vague, and gives me no idea of what if anything is going on so I will continue to do my best to assume that there's nothing. keep looking after yourself.
maravilla Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 Good job, 4321, I am really proud of you for going NC when you knew it was best for you. You can do it! Stay strong girl.
Author 4321sn Posted November 17, 2010 Author Posted November 17, 2010 TY-I'm taking it hour by hour at this point. It is hard because honestly I do believe that he loves me. I told him yesterday that I don't think he is a bad person but I think he has behaved selfishly. I do know that he is unhappy. It is not a situation where he has a loving relationship with the W and me as well. However- that doesn't mean much because he is still there. He says he's mourning the loss of what he had hoped for-for his family. His parents have been married for 50 years and are still in love. He got married young to his first girlfriend. Knew early on that something was missing. She stopped wanting to kiss him...became distant. I'm sure he is also to blame and he admits it. For whatever reasons they did not have a deep connection. Two kids came. He was in grad school...time passed. Kids got older and he thought now what? Things became more and more distant until he actively sought out an affair. Said it was not a mid life crisis it was a crisis of being wanted. Is that the cowardly way? Ofcourse...he is torn between incredible guilt and needing more from a relationship. Yet he cannot bring himself to rip off the band aid and walk away. He said he is afraid of hurting people but in the process has hurt everyone he cares about. He doesn't hate her...he has not made her out to be a witch. He shares in the blame. So-I am torn. As of now the fact is he is unable to give me what I need. The only chance we have is to do our own thing for now without the daily tears. He will continue both IC and MC and go with his daughter to her therapy. He had spoken to her therapist about the situation at home with his marriage. Therapist said they would never suggest holding off on ending a bad marriage because of his daughters issues but the need to proceed carefully. I love him dearly but right now taking a pause is best and the only way we can salvage the good parts of us. I need to get myself strong. I need to put energy into finding a job. Taking care of my house. Doing things that bring me happiness... Ugh...that's the story. Bravo if you have read it...it helped me to write
Author 4321sn Posted November 17, 2010 Author Posted November 17, 2010 "Luckily he is freelance, so hardly ever comes into the office, it would be impossible for me to keep no contact if I could see him about all the time." Thank goodness... Seeing him everyday would be incredibly stressful.
endlessness Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 Good job, 4321sn! I know how hard it is, but you have to remain strong. The first couple of weeks of going NC were hell for me. I was lucky to have had a job to distract me during that time. I literally forced myself to pretend to care about things like finishing grad school and finding a new job. I was mostly on autopilot during that time because deep down I really no longer cared about any of it. Now four months later, I have graduated and I'm in the process of getting the job I dreamed of before I became involved with my xMM. My autopilot applied for that job. My autopilot did all of the intensive testing required for the position. It also got me through the interviews. Because I slept/mourned through all of it. Today, I finally care. And I'm grateful that some greater intelligence within me continued making decisions, bringing my life exactly where I wanted it before the A. So do what you need to do to bring yourself on the right track. Even if you don't care now. Even if it seems meaningless. Pretend. You will appreciate all the effort you put into it now once you're out of this fog.
Author 4321sn Posted November 18, 2010 Author Posted November 18, 2010 Thank you. It's hard because although I'm not going to talk to him, he is taking steps to leave. So my plan is to live like it's over. Focus on myself. Let him focus on ending his marriage-taking care of financed and helping his daughter. One of two things will happen. I will get myself on track and he won't leave but I will realize I don't need or want him anymore. Or I will get myself on track and he will leave. Then we can work to see if there is anything left between us. Either way I won't be anxiously waiting and I will be happy and healthier.
Lauriebell82 Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 It must be difficult to work with him. Do you have to see him often or mostly email? It is good you are working. I'm home at the moment and this hours pass so slowly. I'm in bed most of the time saving my energie for when my kids get home. We texted a bit last night... He said "I want you to have peace... I think we are good for each other but perhaps I am not good for you right now... Idk. Think about it... You said yourself that you have not been happy since last summer :(" so I said "you are right. At this moment you are not good for me. You need to work through your fears in order to end things and then you can contact me." he said "I understand" I said "And I am serious...if you contact me before you are out, I will have to block your number and email" then he says "I think we should try to work through this together. I think we need to remain honest... I think we were to each other today. I am very sad. I know I can change so I will try. I don't want to fail you. You mean more to me than you know." and that is where we are at this moment... Boy is he manipulative, yikes!!!! Why not go ahead and block his number and email? Then he can't contact you at all! When I broke up with my ex boyfriend I blocked his phone number, facebook, email, ect. It helped a lot. At first he tried to take the "noble route" and say that he isn't good for you. Where you went wrong is you gave him an "in." You gave him permission to contact you IF he changes. So then he further played on that by trying to say he could "change" in the process of the two of you continuing your A (which will not happen). Man, this guy is a jerk. If I were you I would go NC, and do NOT give him any hope of ever reconciling. Why would you want him back anyway?
endlessness Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 I agree with Lauriebell. I'm sorry, your judgement is very clouded, just like mine was, because you're still holding on to hope. These men effectively manipulate us through emotional blackmail because they are attuned to our emotional filters which guide our decisions. I too could share with you plenty of heartwrenching e-mails and texts that my xMM sent me. I was convinced that I was the only one, that he would go to the moon and back for me, that he was leaving his family because he finally found the home he's been looking for in me... Now, what I didn't know was that while pouring his heart out to me, he was getting his entire family ready for a move to another country, where he will spend the next three years. He just forgot to tell me that. He also forgot to tell me that him and his W are planning to have another child by the summer. Can I add that this is two people who supposedly DON'T have sex? Are you f&*%ing kidding me?!? So don't even keep getting back together with him as an option. These men know all of our buttons and their function very well and will say anything to have us wait patiently for them until they decide they're finally ready, if ever.
Author 4321sn Posted November 18, 2010 Author Posted November 18, 2010 I am just not ready to totally give up and block him. Not there yet. I still love him. For now I am giving him a chance to get himself together while I do the same. That may change soon but that's where I am at this moment. Just maintaining NC is about all I feel comfortable with and can handle right now. Maybe the distance will make me feel differently but I am only at day 1. AND proud that I almost made it through day 1!!! Going to sleep early to ensure that I do indeed make it
Lauriebell82 Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 I am just not ready to totally give up and block him. Not there yet. I still love him. For now I am giving him a chance to get himself together while I do the same. That may change soon but that's where I am at this moment. Just maintaining NC is about all I feel comfortable with and can handle right now. Maybe the distance will make me feel differently but I am only at day 1. AND proud that I almost made it through day 1!!! Going to sleep early to ensure that I do indeed make it Well, we are proud of you too! If you think you need to take it one step at a time then do so. I was sort of in your situation as well. My ex bf did not cheat on me, but he did lie and manipulate me to death. I broke up with him "in hopes" that he would change and we would live happily ever after. I went NC so I didn't have to deal with the stress and temptation of getting back together before he had "changed." What happened was that I got over him and met, fell in love with, and married an absolutely wonderful man who loves me and treats me the way I deserve to be treated. Sure we have had our ups and downs, but at the end of the way we love each other and work out our problems in a healthy manner. That's what a healthy relationship is, not a secretive addictive love like the kind that occurs in an A. Anyway, keep up the good work, we are very proud of you for getting past your first day. It will get easier, trust me.
fooled once Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 Day 1 I almost caved this morning already. Stopped myself and the feeling passed. I'm going to call friends to see if I can meet someone for coffee to distract myself. My step mother stopped by my house this morning while I was waiting for the school bus. I've avoided her and my dad for months because I've been depressed, ashamed and miserable... YOU CAN DO IT!!! TY-I'm taking it hour by hour at this point. It is hard because honestly I do believe that he loves me. I told him yesterday that I don't think he is a bad person but I think he has behaved selfishly. I do know that he is unhappy. It is not a situation where he has a loving relationship with the W and me as well. However- that doesn't mean much because he is still there. He says he's mourning the loss of what he had hoped for-for his family. His parents have been married for 50 years and are still in love. He got married young to his first girlfriend. Knew early on that something was missing. She stopped wanting to kiss him...became distant. I'm sure he is also to blame and he admits it. For whatever reasons they did not have a deep connection. Two kids came. He was in grad school...time passed. Kids got older and he thought now what? Things became more and more distant until he actively sought out an affair. Said it was not a mid life crisis it was a crisis of being wanted. Is that the cowardly way? Ofcourse...he is torn between incredible guilt and needing more from a relationship. Yet he cannot bring himself to rip off the band aid and walk away. He said he is afraid of hurting people but in the process has hurt everyone he cares about. He doesn't hate her...he has not made her out to be a witch. He shares in the blame. So-I am torn. As of now the fact is he is unable to give me what I need. The only chance we have is to do our own thing for now without the daily tears. He will continue both IC and MC and go with his daughter to her therapy. He had spoken to her therapist about the situation at home with his marriage. Therapist said they would never suggest holding off on ending a bad marriage because of his daughters issues but the need to proceed carefully. I love him dearly but right now taking a pause is best and the only way we can salvage the good parts of us. I need to get myself strong. I need to put energy into finding a job. Taking care of my house. Doing things that bring me happiness... Ugh...that's the story. Bravo if you have read it...it helped me to write What I bolded .... remember, this is HIS version, which is not necessarily the truth. I mean, there is a contradiction in it that is obvious ....she stopped wanting to kiss him, yet they had sex at a minimum of twice for their two kids.. He may have chose to detach from his marriage, but that doesn't mean she has. I highly doubt HER therapist is going to answer HIS questions unless the wife specifically grants permission. Therapists have rules about confidentiality and unless her patient gives explicit permission, she cannot discuss her with him nor their sessions (the wife and hers). Please be careful. The best thing you can do is disengage from HIS marriage and let him handle it. I am always shocked at how involved the OW gets in the dissolution of a marriage. Please, for your own sanity, back off. IF he loves you like he claims, he will get his crap together and taken care of and THEN seek you out. If you are so worried (like many OW are) that if you step back that he will not follow through, that should be a HUGE red flag for you. He should dissolve his marriage because of HIS decision, not because you are pushing him or telling him to. He will come to regret you and blame you. Stay NC and get YOUR life together and if he ever becomes free, then date him - get to know him and proceed from there. GOOD LUCK and stay strong!!!
Author 4321sn Posted November 18, 2010 Author Posted November 18, 2010 Thank you )) you are obviously a very giving person FO. Your A is many years behind you. You are married and have come through beautifully. You come here and support those of us who are struggling. Thank you. Thank you! He is in IC alone and MC with her. She does not go to IC and never has. I am taking a step back because I am so tired of being involved in what is happening in their marriage. I did well today...today is the first time I didn't cry in a long time. I even had a few moments of happiness )) on to day 2
blinded_27 Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 I did well today...today is the first time I didn't cry in a long time. I even had a few moments of happiness )) on to day 2 Nice!!!!!!! If I can make a suggestion, with my first round of NC I started to read "It's Called a Breakup because it's Broken". It's written by the same people who wrote "He's just not that into you". It's pretty good, it puts a humorous spin on such a rough topic, I read it before I go to bed every night to give myself some peace. I always feel a little more empowered each time. Good luck with everything, I will be on day 1 myself tomorrow (yet again), we can do this together
yeah Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 He said "I want you to have peace... I think we are good for each other but perhaps I am not good for you right now... Idk. Think about it... You said yourself that you have not been happy since last summer :(" then he says "I think we should try to work through this together. I think we need to remain honest... I think we were to each other today. I am very sad. I know I can change so I will try. I don't want to fail you. You mean more to me than you know." Before I give my 2 cents, a little background first: I'm in the 4th week of done and done (no longer involved, or trying) with xMM. It went off and on for 4 months and although he still claimed to be (in his exact words, via text of course): "waiting for legal BS", as per our last convo, I've opted for the 'go eff yourself for life' method of NC, and it's working the best so far. First thing that jumped out at me right away, I love love love how he says "I think we need to remain honest...I thnk we were to each other TODAY." Well I guess TODAY IS a promising start, no time like the present. That's a classic. And I just HAVE to address the fact the "You mean more to me than you know." That was my xMM's fave line to me in my most doubtful moments. Oh so vague and deep, like a cow's a$$. It's almost scary how differently I read it when it's being said to someone else. Basically it's like they're saying, "I honestly can't say I feel THAT strongly for you, but based on how I TREAT YOU any normal human would feel like a piece of crap, so how I feel for you is definitely stronger than a piece of crap." ..more like a load of bs:love:.
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