the dance of sorting out the division and the return of belongings

[melenkurion]

I guess I am curious as to whether I am being manipulated or not.

 

It's abut 6 weeks since my ex moved out. He picked up most of his stuff this last weekend. It was pretty awful, he never said a word to me while he was there. He also has a fair amount of stuff still there.

 

Yesterday I got a message saying he was going to come round to pick up a few bits and pieces. I sorted a time, since I was going out so I needed to pin him down. A couple of hours after sorting a time out, he "suddenly remembered" a reason he couldn't come that evening. I am deeply suspicious that he is (perhaps subconsciously) trying to muck me around to hurt me. That whole exchange served no purpose other than to yank my chain.

 

I told him the remainder of the week is not really convenient (I have tried to make sure I have a lot on since the skank left, so that really is true). His reply is that there is no great rush, he presumed that I was anxious to get the stuff out of the way. Why is he not desperate to get this ended?

 

I know it's not because of any residual tender feelings towards me, but I think he may be trying to drag it out to wound me, in some way? Or maybe it is a reluctance to let go of a place he lived for a long part of his life?

 

This business must be very, very common, I wondered if anyone had any thoughts about their own experiences of this foot dragging.

[Fern]

I was the one who moved out of our shared place. I did it as quickly as I could. He told me several times there was no rush and actually asked me to leave it a while before picking up a couple of items of furniture. I just thought he didn't want the place looking bare. I wouldn't read too much into it.

 

How are you doing? Hope you're holding up OK. xx

[PegNosePete]

Don't let him collect just a few bits and pieces. Put all his stuff in a box/boxes/pile and arrange a time to collect it all.

 

If he doesn't show up then tell him you'll put it all on top of your bin the night before bin day, if he wants it then he can collect it, if not then it'll get taken with the rest of the trash.

[melenkurion]

I wouldn't read too much into it.

 

How are you doing? Hope you're holding up OK. xx

 

Hey Fern, thanks. I guess I am over-analysing that. I just thought the "I am coming over tonight, oh, I'm not after all" might have been a malicious attempt to upset my equilibrium.

 

I'm OK. He's being borderline unpleasant, and that's making it very easy to think "screw you". If he starts to be nice, however? Dunno. I have visitors this weekend, so looking forward to that. I've also started to book a few bits of holiday (just visiting friends who live in nice places, but still), the odd weekend away in the smoke.

 

I've read your threads (since our situations seem very similar). It sounds to me like you are doing really well.

[melenkurion]

Don't let him collect just a few bits and pieces. Put all his stuff in a box/boxes/pile and arrange a time to collect it all.

 

If he doesn't show up then tell him you'll put it all on top of your bin the night before bin day, if he wants it then he can collect it, if not then it'll get taken with the rest of the trash.

 

Heh, I've already gathered it all together in one pile. It's come close to ending up in a skip once or twice.

[lapse]

Ha. I agree with PegNosePete. Obviously you do, too.

 

The guy might be yanking your chain. I would give him 3 times that work for you and tell him if he can't get the stuff within 2 weeks, you'll put it outside of your door for him.

 

Sounds mean, but I've wanted to give this guy the finger since your first post... so maybe it's mean.

[xpaperxcutx]

I would dump all of his stuff in a box and just drop it with a mutual friend. There's no point in keeping in contact with an ex just becuase of his personal belongings.

[melenkurion]

I think there is every chance he might be trying to yank my chain, yup. I may be paranoid, but I think the "I'm coming over, oh maybe not" was an attempt to ruin my evening. My more charitable friends think he may have had an attack of cold feet.

 

But: I've seen a few mutual friends over the last couple of days. The first of these told me I looked the best she had seen me in years. The second said I looked really good right now, and was actually weirdly flirtatious, and very curious as to what I was getting up to: when he asked to come over, I told him that evening was my only free evening to see him, which was true. They both have seen arsewipe since then. I have a feeling he was happier with the idea I was lonely and miserable.

 

This morning I told him the times that work for me this week. His reply was rather arsey.

[Fern]

How DARE he be a dick about this after what he did! Jesus, what is the problem with these sociopaths? Get shot of his stuff ASAP. Tell him what day it'll be waiting on the doorstep for him. Whoever picks it up - picks it up. What an ARSEHOLE.

[xpaperxcutx]

I think there is every chance he might be trying to yank my chain, yup. I may be paranoid, but I think the "I'm coming over, oh maybe not" was an attempt to ruin my evening. My more charitable friends think he may have had an attack of cold feet.

 

But: I've seen a few mutual friends over the last couple of days. The first of these told me I looked the best she had seen me in years. The second said I looked really good right now, and was actually weirdly flirtatious, and very curious as to what I was getting up to: when he asked to come over, I told him that evening was my only free evening to see him, which was true. They both have seen arsewipe since then. I have a feeling he was happier with the idea I was lonely and miserable.

 

This morning I told him the times that work for me this week. His reply was rather arsey.

 

Just stop talking to him. Just tell him you left his stuff with so-and-so and that if he needs his stuff he should go to so-and-so. If he's still yanking your chain, the only one allowing it is yourself. Don't let him jerk you around. Your time is precious enough without having to comply with his needs.

[melenkurion]

He came by yesterday and took everything he wanted, so that is over. He handed over his keys, too.

 

It feels a bit strange: I gave him those very keys after about three months of dating. Anyway, that part of it is over.

[Brandi 2]

I would dump all of his stuff in a box and just drop it with a mutual friend. There's no point in keeping in contact with an ex just becuase of his personal belongings.

 

All good responses. This is what I would do now because that is how my ex would get back into my life.

[PegNosePete]

You might want to change the locks, just in case he made a copy of the key. Even if it's not likely, it's worth 20 bucks just for the peace of mind. I was certainly a lot more relaxed knowing that even if my ex had made a copy, it wouldn't do her any good.

[melenkurion]

Sigh.I guess I need to consider doing that. I almost trust him not to have taken copies. But then, I also trusted him not to shag our mate in our bed, and that didn't turn out so well. I was very close to doing it anyway, because I was extremely unhappy about him having keys after so long.

[PegNosePete]

Yeah, same thinking for me. I was pretty sure she wouldn't have the forethought to make a copy, since I kind of sprang the "I need my key back please" at the last minute. But like you I also didn't think she was capable of cheating on me. I was worried the house would get raided while I was at work, or that she would just walk in and ruin my evening. So £14 from B&Q was money well spent. Locks are very easy to change yourself, no need to get a locksmith.