blackwidow290 Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 (edited) I met the man who I've been steadily dating for the past 3 months on a dating website. Our dates have been exciting so far, going out to restaurants, amusements parks, movies, etc. meaning that his approach has been slow and gentlemanly and that he's been putting a lot of effort. I've also met his circle of friends and I'm always invited to their social occassions, which is nice. As soon as we started dating, he stopped logging on the dating website and 2 months later, I noticed that he had deleted it - which is great. I know that he likes me. However, I have some big reservations. Initially, it felt like genuine romance... but a few weeks ago he finally invited me to over to his place (I had been wondering whyyy wewere taking it so slowly) and just literally 2 minutes before getting to his place, he says 'oh btw, I live with my parents' He further goes on to explain while Im just silent that 'The reason I didnt tell you is that I see it as my failure. since Ive lived on my own for many years [he was in the army for nearly a decade and has gotten out about a year ago]'. Now, this is a nightmare scenario for me. Not because he is 29 (althought that is quite concerning but a completely different issues)..but because I recall some information that he provided me in the past..now actually surfaces as lies - trying to mislead me, not arouse any suspicioins on my part, and to lead to deception. For instance, he has told me that his parents live up north in the country (not true, they live in the city with him!).. or during that date that he asked me to go home with him while we were talking about something unrelated.. he related it and he said that he never tells women he dates where he lives cos he's afraid they might damage his property. Now, the even worse part is that he never intended to take me home that night. We were having dinner at a restaurant and he had a panic attack (of his anxiety issues I was aware).. and after he said he wanted to clear his head and drive. When we were in the car, he said that it sucks that we didnt spend much time together and he's not sure if he wants to take me home. So he finally asks me to go over..and thats how it goes. The next time we meet, while in the car he says that he's happy in more than one way that I came over. He hadn't intended to ask me and he felt bad that he only did because he didn't want to be in the car alone, from my place to his cos of his condition. He felt bad that apparently he had put me in that unsafe situation - which I was unaware of, I thought panick attacks only last for a few minutes and then one returns to normal condition. This incident and his lying have left me with such a bitter taste in my mouth. He is sweet, but is this a very big red flag? I'm not sure if I should continue investing my emotions in such a person...who lies and puts me in an unsafe situation. How would we have hooked up anyway, if he didnt invite me over?? (I live with my parents so there is no chance of sleeping with someone here). Everytime I have a concern, he's immediately there for me, he says that he cares and that I mean a lot to him...but like I said, I'm unsure about this guy and if I can begin to trust him. Also, he seems to be INSECURE and secretive to a level that does not make for an open, honest relationship. Opinions? Am I wasting my time here? Edited November 17, 2010 by blackwidow290
Eeyore79 Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 The guy was embarrassed because he lives with his parents at age 29, and he was untruthful because he was ashamed. It wouldn't be a big deal to me, as long as he promised to be up-front about everything in future. Yes, he sounds somewhat insecure, but tbh I would probably find that kind of endearing.
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 [he was in the army for nearly a decade and has gotten out about a year ago]'. . We were having dinner at a restaurant and he had a panic attack (of his anxiety issues I was aware).. and after he said he wanted to clear his head and drive. When we were in the car, he said that it sucks that we didnt spend much time together and he's not sure if he wants to take me home. ..but like I said, I'm unsure about this guy and if I can begin to trust him. Also, he seems to be INSECURE and secretive to a level that does not make for an open, honest relationship. Opinions? Am I wasting my time here? We have been in a war for what... 8 years... and he served 10? Just based on his behavior it sounds like he might be having some emotional issues from the war. If you can handle that... keep going, if you can't get out. This guy needs and deserves someone strong and understanding. He will absolutely have issues with someone who is selfish and dense.
Author blackwidow290 Posted November 17, 2010 Author Posted November 17, 2010 he served from home and was never directly in the war.
ReturnToSender Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 We have been in a war for what... 8 years... and he served 10? Just based on his behavior it sounds like he might be having some emotional issues from the war. If you can handle that... keep going, if you can't get out. This guy needs and deserves someone strong and understanding. He will absolutely have issues with someone who is selfish and dense. How is finding out she was lied to and having reservations being selfish and dense? Though he served 10 years in the military, doesnt automatically mean he was stationed in a warzone...even so, its not a free pass to be shady and deceptive. Trust me, Im sympathetic to soldiers, I am a veteran myself. As soldiers, integrity is something that we are taught to value and preserve, so its especially backwards that you think shes selfish and dense for not appreciating be lied to.
ReturnToSender Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 Anyway, I would take his lie not in a malicious way, but in the way that yeah, he was ashamed he lived with his parents, and then that snowballed into other lies to cover for that one. If things have been great to this point, and you really are interested in him, then I woudlnt let this be a deal-breaker. But if you see a pattern of him saying things that dont add up, or it looks like hes using panic attacks to get out of situations or something of the like, then Id re-evaluate being with him.
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 he served from home and was never directly in the war. Sorry... my bad.
Author blackwidow290 Posted November 17, 2010 Author Posted November 17, 2010 No worries Untouchable fire, I hadn't provided that information so I can understand your point. Thank you for all the responses, I will take it that he didn't have a malaciuos intenttowards me butthat he was rather just ashamed, and give it more time together to make up my mind about him.
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 The guy was embarrassed because he lives with his parents at age 29, and he was untruthful because he was ashamed. It wouldn't be a big deal to me, as long as he promised to be up-front about everything in future. Yes, he sounds somewhat insecure, but tbh I would probably find that kind of endearing. But in her OP, she outlined a lot of fabrications well beyond the "lie of omission" regarding living with the 'rents. It really sounds like he has a lying problem, and I doubt that I could deal with that. Combined with the anxiety issues, I'm not getting the overall impression of a very stable guy here. If you really like him, though, I think you should bring up all of that stuff with him. Call him on the lies. See how he reacts, and whether there is anything to work with. DO NOT sweep this all under the rug in "hopes" that all will turn out okay.
Author blackwidow290 Posted November 18, 2010 Author Posted November 18, 2010 I have brought up the lying as a subject to talk about in general. And have asked him what he thinks and he has said that he doesn't like lying but sominetimes he finds it necessary in order to avoid hurting someone's feelings. I asked if he has a diplomatic personality, and he said very much so. But this is a different type of lying. When he asked me what I think, I answered that 'everyone lies' in order to see his reaction. He was taken aback and didn't like that response. I then explained that quote is just from house, where some people will continue to lie even if it can save their lives..and I explained that I don't like lying, it's very hurtful. He asked whether I just don't like being lied to..and I explained that I mean it both ways. Hence, the result of this is mixed. I'm still not sure where he stands. In other conversations, he has mentioned that in the past he has been selfish and has learned from it cos clearly it has gotten him nowhere. I have said that I couldn't imagine him being like that and that one thing that I love about his personality is his honest communication (this was before this entire episode).. and he said that it's more of a new thing. He's definitely not an open book.
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