should i tell her?

[ryan1170]

Ok, so there's this girl that I used to work with(worked together for 2 years, we both have recently quit for school I'm 23 shes 21) and I always kind of liked her and thought "yeah I'd probably date her if she was available". A couple months ago her bf of about 2 years and was living with broke up with her. When I saw her at work a day or so later and I could see in her eyes how badly she was hurting it hit me. I discovered that I was in love with her, I wanted to put her broken heart back together and make sure she never got hurt like that again. Maybe 2 weeks later she got back together with her bf but it didn't last long. This time she broke up with him because she said she wasn't happy with him. She was also moving 2 hours away to go to school.

 

A few weeks later I decided I was going to ask her out on a date. I've never had a gf before, never been on a date never kissed a girl. This obviously creates some self confidence issues on my end, I can be needy, clingy and neurotic. I try to be more confident but it can be hard sometimes when I get knocked down so much. The night I asked her she had asked me if I saw a picture of her on facebook of her in a nice dress. I nervously mustered an answer that she looked pretty. Later she asked if I had gone to this haunted house thing(it was the beginning of October) and that I should go with my brother(thought maybe a hint at the 2 of us going) Anyway I asked her out on she smiled and said "I can't right now but when/if(don't remember what word she used) I'll let you know I promise"

 

I've only seen her a few times since and she has now moved. I miss her so much it hurts. I literally have tears in my eyes sometimes. About a week and a half ago I asked her how she was doing on facebook chat and she said awesome how about you. I said I was feeling lonely. She said I should try meeting people at a bar, but I'm not that kind of person as I don't drink much. I told her it wasn't easy for me to do that and she replied that she is shy to but met people eventually. With that she ended the chat. I apologized a few days later for making the chat about me and asked her to tell me about what shes been up to. I never got a reply.

 

I want to tell this girl how much I miss her and that I'm not lonely for friendship but that I want a relationship. I don't care that she lives 2 hours away I would make it work and would gladly move there for her. She also still has family and friends here to visit. I've written multiple letters and one poem about her/for her but haven't had the guts to send them. I'm terrified that I'll never see her again, but also that I'm damned if I tell her how I feel and damned if I don't. I'm also worried she likes a guy that lives down there.

 

This is killing me, I can't stop thinking about her. She has the most beautiful blue eyes I've ever seen and can't get her out of my mind. I don't have her number or her address so unfortunately facebook is my only option. Should I tell her how I feel or just let her be happy and let myslef be miserable? I know that might be a stupid to let myself be miserable but with how many times I've been hurt and I have trouble putting my own needs above others it seems valid to me. She doesn't know that I have no dating experience, so would it be wise to tell her because it might tell her more about me. Would she find it sweet or would she find me pathetic. I want to ask her out again and let her know I want a real relationship with her. I feel a connection with her and think maybe she feels something to just not as strongly as I do. What do i do, how should I do it and what do I say? I love her so much and can't bear to lose her. I don't think I can take losing out on love again. I've been hurt so many times and never had someone love me back so I just feel so broken inside. Please can someone give me some advice?

Edited November 17, 2010 by ryan1170

[DazednConfused]

Hey Ryan;

 

Wow... this girl sounds special. Here's the thing, and I'm afraid I can't offer a whole lot of encouraging advice. I wish I had some, but I think this girl is a lost cause for you.

 

"I can't right now, but I'll let you know...." gentle brush my friend. At least she cared enough for your feelings to make an excuse. "I'm awesome..." once again, she cares for your feelings and was hoping that you would take the message that she is good in her own world as it is. "You should get out and meet someone..." meaning "please give up on me and find a girl who likes you back...." Once again, she tried to protect your feelers and offer an option. No further responses as you clearly aren't taking her hints and she is getting a little creeped out.

 

Look Ryan... I feel for you. Really, I do. And it sucks to be the bearer of bad news. (Especially since you are so obviously convinced that you are in love with her). Take it from a guy who has loved and lost, lusted and cooled, been rejected more times than I care to consider, won a few lost a few... (okay okay.. I'm just old) my point is, there will be others. I've tried lots of different tacts in dealing w/ the fairer sex; there's only one thing that's consistently effective and in your best interests... keep your wits about ya.

 

I understand your inexperience, and my words aren't helping you right now because you have yourself all wound up and you feel the need to make this huge gesture..... don't. just don't. if you are compelled to make a last gasp effort, wait at least two full weeks (preferably a month or so); no BS "I'm lonely".... no "You are so awesome, I can't live without your undying love"... When you do contact her again, everything in your world is amazing, and would she like to join you for a comedy show, concert, amusement park, etc... (you do know what she likes to do right?)

 

If she turns you down again.... sack up and move on. You have the spine and you have a life to live. Last thing.... save the whole ass-over-teakettle in love for a woman who shows you she can and will return the sentiment.

 

-Dazed

[ryan1170]

I appreciate your advice, but I honestly never got the impression she was trying to say "let it go". She didn't say "find someone" she said go make some from friends not go find a girl. I don't think she knows how I feel and that's what I'm wanting to tell her. I asked her out the one time and it hasn't been mentioned again so now that shes been single for a few months I wanted to ask her again. The not knowing and uncertainty is part of whats killing me, she gave me hope when she said what she said. The way she responded didn't seem to me like a "you never have a chance". I've been turned down before and this was different she seemed happy and flattered. It didn't seem like the usual I'll let you know but like a genuinely "I'm not ready" as it was only a week and a half after her breakup and I just want her to know that I'm still interested. I wasn't planning on confessing my love for her just a "hey when you in town next time would you like to go to the movies?" type of thing.

[welikeincrowds]

When I saw her at work a day or so later and I could see in her eyes how badly she was hurting it hit me. I discovered that I was in love with her, I wanted to put her broken heart back together and make sure she never got hurt like that again.

 

This is precisely what I was looking for. No need to even bother reading the rest, although I did.

 

Ryan, this is not love. This is "Knight In Shining Armor" syndrome at best. This is the objectification of another person. Also, from the rest of it, it sounds like this is obsession.

 

A healthy relationship grows from equality. You say, for example, you would uproot your life for her. Do you think she would do this for you? This is just one example; I'd like to point out the incredible (figurative) distance between the both of you.

 

I don't mean to sound fatalist. You should consider seeking outside counsel, preferably in the form of therapy. That is not because I think you are ****ed up, but because I think it would help you to speak with one person, someone who is experienced in behavior, who can help you unravel all of your thoughts and feelings, which, from the looks of this post, are tightly wound.

 

Look back at your post and see how wildly your emotions jump. Also notice how much of what you've written is about you -- your shortcomings, emotions, etc. All I know about her is that she lives 2 hours away and that she has blue eyes. The rest of it is your internal conflict. You may find that even your feelings for her are inspired by you, and what you think you need archetypally, rather than who she is as an individual. Messages like "I'm lonely," written to the object of your affection, are very telling.

 

I think this is a great thing, because this experience has become a catalyst for identifying some greater concerns for you. In the meantime, let her go. Keep those poems for yourself and go no contact. When she's ready, she'll know how to reach you.

 

There should be no confusion for you, by the way, that this is what she wants. Her telling you to "meet other people at bars," for example, is not her telling you to find more friends; it's her telling you to get your **** together, as DazednConfused pointed out. However, it's not just that she's outright saying these things to you. You don't need those things as evidence, because were she interested in a relationship with you (right now), you wouldn't feel like you had to convince her. She wouldn't have brushed you off with an "I'll let you know." She would be actively trying to incorporate you deeper into her life.