colliejoanie Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 So, this guy that I've been complaining about for a couple of months (I know you all are tired of hearing it, and I'm tired of living it, trust me) - we've been back and forth - well, at least I have, the whole time. We were back on this weekend. And then he vanished again Sunday night. I'm tired of his self admitted "hot and cold". We have plans for Saturday, he's supposed to go with me to my college alma mater's satellite party. The reason I asked him to go is because I'm relatively new to town and don't know if I'll know anyone there. Then the next day, he's supposed to take me and my daughter to the airport, and pick us up when we get back. Well, I sent him a text Sunday evening. He didn't respond until Monday around 2 pm. "sorry I didn't reply, fell asleep". I responded "thats alright. I hope you're doing ok" (he had a funeral Monday). He replied "thanks". So tonight, after reading the posts about being blown off, I decide to reach out and be casual because I REALLY feel blown off. And it's not like we've only been on two dates. We're talking about vacationing, and meeting family, etc. I send "hey, I'm writing two papers. Yuck. Thought I'd take a break and see if your week is getting better". He replies "not really. but thanks for asking" WHAT THE HELL? How long do I let this silence go on......I need to know if he's still giving us a ride to the airport...... at the very least about the party. This is going beyond him having a hard time of things lately. I feel disrespected, and I'm over it. How should I handle this. I can't wait for Friday to roll around and then find out he's not going to the party.........AND NOT GIVING US A RIDE TO THE AIRPORT. Should I assume he's not and try to arrange another ride. Should I say something to him???????
xpaperxcutx Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 You should have asked him directly about Saturday, that would have been the only way to get a direct answer from him. I would definitely advise you to confirm with him two, three day before the planned day. That would give you enough time to find an alternative option should he decide to disappear. Honestly, since he's so flakey, I wouldn't entrust anything important with him.
Author colliejoanie Posted November 17, 2010 Author Posted November 17, 2010 (edited) You should have asked him directly about Saturday, that would have been the only way to get a direct answer from him. I would definitely advise you to confirm with him two, three day before the planned day. That would give you enough time to find an alternative option should he decide to disappear. Honestly, since he's so flakey, I wouldn't entrust anything important with him. Yeah, in hindsight I should have asked him......but I really didn't think I would get such an ambiguous and confusing response!!!! Now, i'm just baffled Edited November 17, 2010 by colliejoanie
Author colliejoanie Posted November 17, 2010 Author Posted November 17, 2010 I know some of the guys on LS have said to just back off and quit freaking out about this guy. And I agree with them to some extent, but I really feel blown off, and almost wish he would have just said "I can't date you anymore". I could have a good cry, a glass of wine, and move on. This just feels like he's stringing me along.....
xpaperxcutx Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 I know some of the guys on LS have said to just back off and quit freaking out about this guy. And I agree with them to some extent, but I really feel blown off, and almost wish he would have just said "I can't date you anymore". I could have a good cry, a glass of wine, and move on. This just feels like he's stringing me along..... Are you sure you're not overreacting? It sounds to me you're trying to self- sabotage a perfectly fine relationship. Look, just speak your mind instead of treading water. The better you learn how to communicate your needs, the better he will respond in kind. You can't just expect him to read your mind. Be clear and be direct. That should be a motto.
Author colliejoanie Posted November 17, 2010 Author Posted November 17, 2010 I'm sure I am overreacting....THAT'S my motto I actually hope I am, because unfortunately for me I like this guy. As I've said before.....dating is completely new to me. Especially healthy dating, where you don't jump into a marriage after a few dates! So, my insecurities are definitely right on the surface, bubbling with every breath I take. I need to breath......but seriously, NOW when do I ask him about our plans???
xpaperxcutx Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 I'm sure I am overreacting....THAT'S my motto I actually hope I am, because unfortunately for me I like this guy. As I've said before.....dating is completely new to me. Especially healthy dating, where you don't jump into a marriage after a few dates! So, my insecurities are definitely right on the surface, bubbling with every breath I take. I need to breath......but seriously, NOW when do I ask him about our plans??? Ah okay dating butterflies... I gotcha. It's necessary to have a clear and calm mind when you're in that honeymoon phase. I still stick to my previous post that you need to speak your mind and communicate better. Try to avoid the need to text and call more. At least talking would get a better response from him than one worded replies.
Green Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 Just call him up and say "Hey just wanted to make sure you could 100% give me that ride to the airport because that would be SO GREAT and I would really apreciate it." then if he says "YES" be like "Thats great so I can count on you wonderful I didn't want to have to find any one else" ... If he says "Probably" or some other unclear thing be like "Oh well I need to know because I don't have any one else lined up at this time, so can I count on you for a ride" "yes" "oh great thanks a lot" oor if he is like "No" "oh thats to bad I'm not sure who I'll get there now but I'll have to just try asking people" Good luck
Star Gazer Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 So tonight, after reading the posts about being blown off, I decide to reach out and be casual because I REALLY feel blown off. And it's not like we've only been on two dates. We're talking about vacationing, and meeting family, etc. I send "hey, I'm writing two papers. Yuck. Thought I'd take a break and see if your week is getting better". He replies "not really. but thanks for asking" WHAT THE HELL? How long do I let this silence go on......I need to know if he's still giving us a ride to the airport...... at the very least about the party. How is the text that you sent him designed to help you figure out whether you're being blown off? There's no inquiry to see if you're in fact being blown off, or whether you even have plans. You're just checking in on him...during a kinda crappy time. You said that you didn't expect such an "ambiguous and confusing response." What's ambiguous or confusing about it? What sort of response DID you expect? He's not having a good week, clearly. Funerals kinda suck arse. Rather than poke him with nonsense and idle chit chat, communicate about your plans and what you'd like from him. Then, and only then, analyze his response.
Author colliejoanie Posted November 17, 2010 Author Posted November 17, 2010 (edited) Star, the reason for my idle chit chat was to see if I was founded in my feeling of him backing way far away. I didn't want to, after three days of not talking and internally obsessing about what's going on in his head, send a text or a phone call with the message "Hey, sorry stuff sucks....are we still on for Saturday and Sunday?" I guess I also wanted to show some compassion........ albeit perhaps the wrong way????? I don't know. Edited November 17, 2010 by colliejoanie
ColdFox Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 I don't know what the backstory is, but if he was close to the person whose funeral he had to go to, I think you should calm down a little bit and give him some space. He has just lost somebody. He has been answering your texts, and answering the exact questions you ask, not blowing you off.
Star Gazer Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 Star, the reason for my idle chit chat was to see if I was founded in my feeling of him backing way far away. I didn't want to, after three days of not talking and internally obsessing about what's going on in his head, send a text or a phone call with the message "Hey, sorry stuff sucks....are we still on for Saturday and Sunday?" I guess I also wanted to show some compassion........ albeit perhaps the wrong way????? I don't know. I totally hear you, and I think your communications so far are good - they show compassion and care about his well being, as opposed to being selfish. My only point was that your messages weren't designed to figure out whether you're getting blown off, so you shouldn't draw any conclusions from his responses. Plus, now isn't a good time to press that issue anyway.
Author colliejoanie Posted November 17, 2010 Author Posted November 17, 2010 (edited) I don't know what the backstory is, but if he was close to the person whose funeral he had to go to, I think you should calm down a little bit and give him some space. He has just lost somebody. He has been answering your texts, and answering the exact questions you ask, not blowing you off. Yeah, this does make me seem really selfish, doesn't it? The person was an acquaintance.......regardless funerals do suck arse. message received. I will back off the poor guy! Edited November 17, 2010 by colliejoanie
ColdFox Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 I don't know about the character of this man you are involved with. But sometimes a funeral, even for someone you don't know well, can make people question things, can put them into a little bit of a tailspin. Mortality and all that. Don't bend so far backwards that you forget about his commitment to you this weekend, but don't blow things out of proportion either. Can you line up a backup ride to the airport, just in case? Or reserve a shuttle?
Author colliejoanie Posted November 17, 2010 Author Posted November 17, 2010 Yes. I can call. I will by tomorrow if I still hear nothing. I have a ride to the airport just not one to pick me up. Regardless, I definitely am not any sort of priority right now. I am constantly trying to make this guy feel good, and it doesn't FEEL good! Boooooo! Oh well! Experience!!
xpaperxcutx Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 Yes. I can call. I will by tomorrow if I still hear nothing. I have a ride to the airport just not one to pick me up. Regardless, I definitely am not any sort of priority right now. I am constantly trying to make this guy feel good, and it doesn't FEEL good! Boooooo! Oh well! Experience!! Well, why don't you just call tonight? He agreed to take you. That in my opinion is an oral contract. You have an obligation make sure he sticks to his agreement.
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