Maninthebox Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 Here is my dilemma, my wife lost her previous husband ten years ago.I met her five years ago, we were married last year.Since we been married she speaks of how wonderful man he was, how he was her dream guy,loving man, how she yet has met a man like him. She tells people online all this. She says of me she finds some of these qualities be not as much. It hurt to read this. I confronted her about it she said I'm special in my own way. Her friends tell her I need to just deal with it and take it like a man and accept how great her previous husband. .....I'm fed up and want you leave, no kids involved shes mid 40's I am 50.,she even calls his name in her sleep, telling him she misses him. . Any comments?
LadyD06 Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 I find that extremely odd:/ I think u need to really sit down and talk to her about healthy grieving and coping, on the other hand...was she this way while you both were dating, engaged etc??
Author Maninthebox Posted November 17, 2010 Author Posted November 17, 2010 We talked about it and she seemed ready to let go after 10 years, no she started this after we got married. Odd? Maybe but he was a very good man, better looking, loving, compassionate,accomplished, sociable, good person to be around. According to her he has me beat. I'm tired of hearing it. I know this, that its a double standard, if the were on the othe foot I'd be the bad guy not her. ......
theBrokenMuse Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 I might be wrong on this but she might be doing it as a means of being able to keep you at arm's length subconsciously out of fear. Losing a loved one can make people terrified of being put back into the vulnerable position where they feel that devastation ever again. I would suggest that perhaps she could use some help sorting through and properly dealing with these fears if they are indeed the culprit. I think getting married again opened pandora's box for her and triggered these feelings, so to speak.
climbergirl Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 I might be wrong on this but she might be doing it as a means of being able to keep you at arm's length subconsciously out of fear. Losing a loved one can make people terrified of being put back into the vulnerable position where they feel that devastation ever again. I would suggest that perhaps she could use some help sorting through and properly dealing with these fears if they are indeed the culprit. I think getting married again opened pandora's box for her and triggered these feelings, so to speak. Very good points. Just want to add that maybe she feels like she is betraying him by getting married again? I'm in (somewhat) the same position. My fiance lost his wife 12 years ago and I felt--in the beginning--that I would always be second best. I guess it's because the only reason that they aren't together right now is because she passed away. What bothers me with what your wife is doing is that she is comparing you against him. Did she do that prior to marriage?
Author Maninthebox Posted November 17, 2010 Author Posted November 17, 2010 Started after. She refuses to go back to counseling. She later admitted it's because all this would come out sooner.She tells me that I need to live with it .So she feels she is betraying him with me.Wow, she's my wife and I'm cheating with her lol......So stay in this relationship and hear how great he was with the knowledge that I'm the last rung on the ladder as her friends say I should do? Would any of you stay? how can it be right to take this? How is being told he is better, even in front of others people. Makes no sense.
theBrokenMuse Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 Started after. She refuses to go back to counseling. She later admitted it's because all this would come out sooner.She tells me that I need to live with it . I would tell her that it's not up to her to tell you what you are able to live with and that it's not acceptable for her to be dismissing behavior that you find hurtful so flippantly. I would tell her that if she loves you and wants this marriage to work that she has to stop making excuses for poor coping skills, digging her heels in when it causes discomfort and take a proactive approach to fixing the issues that are threatening the well being of this marriage. I would make it crystal clear that if she was unwilling to do so then she obviously would be much happier remaining safely married to a memory then dealing with the uncertainty of a real relationship with a flesh and blood partner and you'll be gone to find someone who wants to live in the present rather than the past... You need to lay it out in black and white and let this be nipped in the bud NOW before it gets worse.
alexlakeman Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 Dump her, that is why i never date widows.. you will always be the second choice; if the other guy wasn't dead they would still be with him.. This is what ticks me off ( I dated one widow, but she was very low key about it, so it was fine).... She's going to remember him on his: birthdaytheir anniversaryhis date of deathwhere they went on that certain timeetc..
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