Why did she ask me this question?

[youngskywalker]

Had a first date with a girl the other day. Went very well and we're going to see each other again.

 

During our small talk she asked me what was the longest relationship I've been in. I didn't want to lie so I told the truth, about 4 months. Hers was 4 years during college. She seemed surprised at my answer and inquired as to why I've never been in a LTR. I just told her I simply haven't found the one for me yet. I actually felt that somehow it was a red flag to her...but I don't know that for sure.

 

So what is the reasoning behind this question? What are women digging for? I'm sure it makes me look like a player or have been rejected by every woman who's dated me in the past. IDK. Maybe it doesn't mean anything.

[AverageJoe]

Women constantly test us men. Whether they know it or not, they do. That question posed was a proviso question. Are you a good suitor based on the answer you gave? Many times it sets off a chain of events in their mind based on how you answer. Some good, some bad.

 

See, you went out on a date with her to have a good time and enjoy some good company, as did she. However, when we men go out on dates we see the current transaction at hand, the moment, the experience.

 

What she was doing is sizing you up for future potential. Now, whether you were in a short term or long term relationship doesnt mean a damn thing to me our you. To her, it could trigger various images in her mind. It may be good, it may be bad. Its really just female specific in that regard.

 

She didnt ask if you were fullfilled in life, did she? No, she probably asked what do you do for a living, your zip code, type of car you may drive, and she certainly looked at your shoes.

 

If that question was asked of me, I might have said something along the lines of. How long? Well, from here to the front door where we just met.

 

Frankly, it is none of her biz what your past relationships consisted of. If she has an issue with that, then kick her through the uprights and move on.

[ladeedee]

Yeah idk why she asked either except for the reason that she wants to see what kind of material you are.. if you are worth a LTR. Obviously she is considering it.. can't say how serious though.

 

I wouldn't think too much of it if you want to continue a relationship with her... I dunno, wait and see.

[that girl]

She was asking to see if you are looking for commitment or to date around.

 

Your answer was probably fine because it sounds like you made it clear you are open to long term.

 

Average Joe- there is a difference between a test and trying to figure out if you are compatible with someone. Try not to be so bitter.

[youngskywalker]

She was asking to see if you are looking for commitment or to date around.

 

Your answer was probably fine because it sounds like you made it clear you are open to long term.

 

So it sounds like 4 months or 4 years doesn't make a difference.... what is important is the reason as to why. I just thought maybe girls look down on guys who've never had an LTR.

[AverageJoe]

Average Joe- there is a difference between a test and trying to figure out if you are compatible with someone.

 

Actually there isnt. You just made my point for me. Men are being tested to see if they are compatible as you rightly pointed out.

 

Again, what you or any female grasp to understand is we are consistantly tested. Its not the females fault really, its just a by-product of having an X chromosome.

Try not to be so bitter.

 

Far from bitter. If you would like for me elaborate why I am not, I will indulge you. Otherwise, you know nothing of me.

 

Try not to respond to posts with an emotional knee jerk reaction. Use those smarts instead.

[that girl]

Men are being tested to see if they are compatible as you rightly pointed out.

Test implies the woman is the only judge.

 

Compatibility implies both people are trying to decide if this is match.

 

Though I've never been accused of being bitter here, the whole "stop being bitter" comments from the women on this site need to stop. Why it's tolerated by mods, I don't know. One, you don't know anything about AverageJoe. Second, it's nothing short of a personal attack.

And I am really tired of being told that as a woman I am constantly testing men, even if I am too out of touch to realize what I am doing. I am tired of being told that because I have a vagina I must be materialistic. Those are personal attacks too and this board is littered with comments like these.

 

Average Joe could have gotten across the exact same idea without the woman hate, but he chose not to.

[Mad Max]

And I am really tired of being told that as a woman I am constantly testing men

 

 

Women do test men. It's not always conscious, but it does happen most of the time.

 

 

I am tired of being told that because I have a vagina I must be materialistic. Those are personal attacks too and this board is littered with comments like these.

 

 

I don't recall seeing a comment like that in this thread or even recently. I've seen just as many comments with female posters bashing men. The only difference is the women are coddled where as the men are told to stop complaining and are called bitter.

 

 

Average Joe could have gotten across the exact same idea without the woman hate, but he chose not to.

 

 

I read both his posts in this thread and did not see anything that was hateful, bitter, or even false.

[that girl]

I don't recall seeing a comment like that in this thread or even recently.

It is on this thread, just a few posts above you.

 

She didnt ask if you were fullfilled in life, did she? No, she probably asked what do you do for a living, your zip code, type of car you may drive, and she certainly looked at your shoes.

 

 

 

I've seen just as many comments with female posters bashing men.

No, there are not. There are 100 woman bashing comments for every 1 man bashing comment.

 

I read both his posts in this thread and did not see anything that was hateful, bitter, or even false.

 

Really?

 

Women constantly test us men. Whether they know it or not, they do.

Women! They're too dumb to know what they're doing and they are out to get you!

 

She didnt ask if you were fullfilled in life, did she? No, she probably asked what do you do for a living, your zip code, type of car you may drive, and she certainly looked at your shoes.

Women are materalistic!

[Star Gazer]

OP, she was inquiring whether you have any substantial relationship experience. I don't blame her.

[Andy_K]

If a guy has any standards beyond tits and ass, he'll 'test' a girl by asking questions which might relate to their compatibility too.

 

Only the dating guides refer to this as 'qualifying' or 'giving her enough rope to hang herself' to feed the image of men taking the moral high ground while women 'test' and play high school games.

[sanskrit]

OP, who knows why she asked the question specifically, but on a first date, it is a possible sign of a woman who is more interested in moving her agenda forward than in having a good time and getting to know someone. Way too early to be fitting someone into her "life-plan." On a first date, it's plain rude and a red flag.

 

If you get further HR interview routine questions or indications from her, especially too early, she will probably end up being a dull pain in the ass, manipulative and high maintenance. A trifecta of bad that you don't need. Seek out women who treat first dates as an opportunity to have fun, light conversation and enjoy themselves while getting to know you naturally as opposed to interrogation.

 

And I am really tired of being told that as a woman I am constantly testing men, even if I am too out of touch to realize what I am doing.

 

No one said that. What was said was that women are constantly testing men, not "that girl" is constantly testing men. In response to your internalizing a generalization that should be ignored because it doesn't apply to you, you personally insult a poster by calling them bitter.

 

I am tired of being told that because I have a vagina I must be materialistic.

 

I missed the "That girl is materialistic because she has a vagina" thread. Was it deleted?

 

Those are personal attacks too...

 

No, they most certainly are not personal attacks, generalizations perhaps that may or may not apply to you, but definitely -not- personal attacks.

 

When you call a specific poster or posters "bitter" as seems to be your mantra here, that -is- a personal attack.

 

Average Joe could have gotten across the exact same idea without the woman hate, but he chose not to.

 

I didn't see anything hateful at all in his post. Agree with Mad Max, there should be a moratorium on misusing words such as "hate" here, and also on directly insulting posters whom one doesn't know by calling them "bitter." It's getting really stale.

 

And when women complain about generalizations about women in threads that are supposedly "all over this board," 1. It's a dating forum, not a feminist political platform, and 2. As a percentage of threads here, those threads or posts are a -tiny- percentage. 3. The numbers of threads and posts where someone insults a particular poster by calling them "bitter" etc. here are 10x the posts that generalize a gender or group. 4. There are plenty of threads and posts that generalize men here from time to time, yet somehow, those aren't made such a big deal of, which is puzzling in a culture where -men- are much more generalized than women in media and politically than women are or ever have been. Why don't I hear the shrill "bitter" complaints about generalizations directed at men here? After all, if generalizations are bad and indicate bitterness, where are the voices of outrage when men are generalized. That's a rhetorical question, I already know the answer.

Edited November 17, 2010 by sanskrit

[OceanGirl]

I get asked that question all the time on first dates.

 

So men do it too. It doesn't really bother me. And yeah it's a red flag if you are past your early-mid 20's and never had a LTR.

[youbeauty]

Mate - I had a similar experience a few months ago. Made a huge mistake of taking this girl to a nice cocktail bar on a first date and she proceeded to get hammered (claimed she was nervous when she rang the next morning apologising profusely for her behaviour) and started asking all sorts of inappropriate questions about my past. I was honest as I had nothing to hide but in hindsight should have just walked after she made the first comment. I'm in a similar boat to you in that had a few starts but no luck. Just because you haven't had a LTR doesn't mean you don't have anything to offer a girl. There is such thing as a late bloomer and it is far from a bad thing. And anyone who is going to turn you down on that basis without getting to know you isn't worth your time.

 

And I certainly don't think its a red flag to be honest. There are girls out there who are willing to judge you for you. Honesty is the best policy. If that's not good enough for her, then I think its worth continuing your search. Good luck.

[Eeyore79]

And yeah it's a red flag if you are past your early-mid 20's and never had a LTR.

 

Why is it a red flag? Because you might be a player, and/or unable to commit to a LTR? Or because it implies that you're undesirable and nobody else wanted a LTR with you? I'm just not sure why it's a red flag; someone could be perfectly nice and just not have been lucky enough to meet someone decent to have a LTR with.

[OceanGirl]

For me, it's a red flag because I am worried that a guy is a player and unable to commit. I am less worried if he is desirable enough because I can judge that for myself - as long as he is desirable to me, that's all that matters.

[Eeyore79]

For me, it's a red flag because I am worried that a guy is a player and unable to commit.

 

I've dated guys who have gotten well into their twenties without having a LTR. They tend to be shy people who haven't really dated much; certainly not the player type. Maybe they're virgins or have only had a couple of short relationships. In such situations, I wasn't really bothered by their lack of relationship experience - I think it depends greatly on why they don't have experience.

[Eeyore79]

Double post

Edited November 17, 2010 by Eeyore79

[sanskrit]

For me, it's a red flag because I am worried that a guy is a player and unable to commit. I am less worried if he is desirable enough because I can judge that for myself - as long as he is desirable to me, that's all that matters.

 

My point is that on early dates, the point is to have fun and learn about someone through experiencing them rather than bringing up their past.

 

As far as that question, personally, I had no relationships longer than 4 months during the 20s because 1. I kept getting upgraded by women who were going for mid 30s "boss type" guys who were already established compared to me and others my age, 2. I moved around a ton during those years within different geographies due to the tumultuous work environment after the stock market crash of 87, 3. I don't think near as many men put as much value on having a serious GF during those years as women do on having a serious BF.

 

Frankly, to me, it's more of a red flag when someone has a string of long term "serially monogamous" relationships that didn't work. That says that -they- may actually have long term commitment issues, -they- may have character traits that come out down the road that cause relationship failure, and that -they- may have insecurity issues such that they have to "always have a BF." It's amazing to me how many women (and men, but truthfully women are generally the ones who start with the agenda too early, not men) prefer a "used" car in this respect to a "new" one.

 

I don't want to have to go into all that on a first date, it is just not fun to go into that stuff when someone asks too early. I never even bring up the past at all until a woman starts making "exclusive" noises after several dates, and then only to the extent to find out if she has cheated in any prior relationships (funny how many will actually admit to past cheating, even in the recent past).