erpderp Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 I am looking for advice on breaking up with my 7 year girlfriend. I have decided that I want to end the relationship as I am not happy. I haven't been happy for over a year as I cannot communicate my current feelings to her effectively. I've also been too scared to tell her how I really feel. I'm scared of hurting her (which it will), and I'm scared of the drastic life changes that will impact me. To give some background on the situation we have been living together for 4 years, and have been a "couple" for 7. We met in college, and I moved away for work upon graduation. She graduated one year later and moved to live with me. It didn't take long for our relationship to get rocky. She had never lived away from home, and being an only child she was homesick. She quickly resented the move, and still does to this day. Her homesickness is not as bad as it once was, but it is still there and part of her continued homesickness is partly why I am unhappy. This homesickness causes her to keep in touch with her parents daily. Which is not a problem, but she doesn't effectively communicate with me anyone and relies on her parents for guidance and advice. To make matters worse, in order for her to move down I had to tell her that I have the intention of marrying her. I did have the intention of marrying her, as it wasn't until after 2 years of living with her did I start to feel unhappy about being with her. I gave her a promise ring during one of my visits on the year that I was away. For the past 2 years her and her parents have asked several times when I am going to finally "propose." I have lied everytime saying "soon." When deep inside I knew the answer was "never." She has even gone to the extent of creating dates that if I do not propose in time, she will leave me. These dates came and went with discussions that I am not ready, when the truth is that I was to scared to share my true feeling with her. I took these dates as an easy out, and it would be a mutual breakup. But it never happened this way. So needless to say, I need to follow through and break up with her. The problem that I forsee is that we now own a house together. Both of our names are on the mortgage. Most of the break up advice I find is that once you tell them you give them space and cut off all contact. Well for me that isn't possible as we will need to sort everything out afterwards. What is the best way to handle this? Does anyone have any personal experiences that can help me? I have left out a few details because I went to convey that I am ready to end the relationship. If anyone needs more information or has any insight for me it would be appeciated. Thank you.
thatsonlyme Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 I think you should tell her how you feel, make her understand that you're trying to work on those issues to avoid break up if that's what you want and that's the impression I had after reading your post. If you rally want to end your relationship, just tell her honestly, don't offer stupid excuses and false hopes. Good luck whatever you decide to do
Author erpderp Posted November 26, 2010 Author Posted November 26, 2010 I think you should tell her how you feel, make her understand that you're trying to work on those issues to avoid break up if that's what you want and that's the impression I had after reading your post. Then I did a poor job explaining my post. I am going to break up with her. Do I just tell her how I feel? Did you not read the part that we live together? How do I handle that? How do we split things up?
2010_Sorry Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 Wow, that's so tough! You NEED to tell her how you feel, don't put it off any longer. You're wasting your time and her time in a relationship that is not going any further. You will have to refinance the house and do a quick claim deed to get her name off of the note and the deed. Hopefully you both can come to an agreement on who should get that. Everything else should be divided evenly and fairly. This is going to be very difficult for her, so give her some time before you start talking about how to divide your assets. Also, you sound like a really nice guy... and you feel bad for breaking her heart. But don't let that guilt cause you to give up more than you're entitled to in separating your assets. Good luck!
Eeyore79 Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 If you were unhappy three years into the relationship, I don't understand why you waited another four years to break up with her? Would it be helpful to discuss why you feel you want to break up with her? The only real reason you gave is that she calls her parents every day, which imo isn't a valid reason to dump someone you've been with for seven years.
habs53 Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 (edited) Merry Christmas to that poor girl. So who is the other person? We all know there is. Ok, that a little harsh, but 9 out of 10 its true. Edited November 27, 2010 by habs53
Am4Real Posted November 27, 2010 Posted November 27, 2010 I am looking for advice on breaking up with my 7 year girlfriend. I have decided that I want to end the relationship as I am not happy. I haven't been happy for over a year as I cannot communicate my current feelings to her effectively. I've also been too scared to tell her how I really feel. I'm scared of hurting her (which it will), and I'm scared of the drastic life changes that will impact me. To give some background on the situation we have been living together for 4 years, and have been a "couple" for 7. We met in college, and I moved away for work upon graduation. She graduated one year later and moved to live with me. It didn't take long for our relationship to get rocky. She had never lived away from home, and being an only child she was homesick. She quickly resented the move, and still does to this day. Her homesickness is not as bad as it once was, but it is still there and part of her continued homesickness is partly why I am unhappy. This homesickness causes her to keep in touch with her parents daily. Which is not a problem, but she doesn't effectively communicate with me anyone and relies on her parents for guidance and advice. To make matters worse, in order for her to move down I had to tell her that I have the intention of marrying her. I did have the intention of marrying her, as it wasn't until after 2 years of living with her did I start to feel unhappy about being with her. I gave her a promise ring during one of my visits on the year that I was away. For the past 2 years her and her parents have asked several times when I am going to finally "propose." I have lied everytime saying "soon." When deep inside I knew the answer was "never." She has even gone to the extent of creating dates that if I do not propose in time, she will leave me. These dates came and went with discussions that I am not ready, when the truth is that I was to scared to share my true feeling with her. I took these dates as an easy out, and it would be a mutual breakup. But it never happened this way. So needless to say, I need to follow through and break up with her. The problem that I forsee is that we now own a house together. Both of our names are on the mortgage. Most of the break up advice I find is that once you tell them you give them space and cut off all contact. Well for me that isn't possible as we will need to sort everything out afterwards. What is the best way to handle this? Does anyone have any personal experiences that can help me? I have left out a few details because I went to convey that I am ready to end the relationship. If anyone needs more information or has any insight for me it would be appeciated. Thank you. 1) Tell her you are no longer in love with her and are ending the relationship. Do not make up an excuse. If as you say the relationship is rocky, she is not likely happy with you either and is equally staying put for convenience as you have been doing! 2) Be prepared to pay deeply. Since you own common property you are likely to be splitting everything 50/50 with the exception of personal items you brought into the relationship; for those things you cannot agree upon, the best course of action is sell the item(s) and share the proceeds 50/50. You may not have married her but welcome yourself to the similarities of a divorce. Is this straight forward and blunt enough for you?
Author erpderp Posted November 30, 2010 Author Posted November 30, 2010 1) TYou may not have married her but welcome yourself to the similarities of a divorce. You are exactly right. I talked to a friend who is experienced in this sort of situation and said the same thing. He said to be familiar with how assets are split in a divorce. Since we are common law which is essentially "married" we follow the same rules.
shocked_confused Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 Heyyy, you didn't answer the 5 million dollar question posted by habs53! Is there someone else? I'm not trying to be a smartass or anything, just curious. I recently got dumped by my bf of 6 years because he wanted his independence, experience life, bla bla bla.....and I kinda feel like he wanted to pursue someone, though i cant be sure. Is that the case for you?
SmileyGirl Posted November 30, 2010 Posted November 30, 2010 Wow, that's so tough! You NEED to tell her how you feel, don't put it off any longer. You're wasting your time and her time in a relationship that is not going any further. You will have to refinance the house and do a quick claim deed to get her name off of the note and the deed. Hopefully you both can come to an agreement on who should get that. Everything else should be divided evenly and fairly. This is going to be very difficult for her, so give her some time before you start talking about how to divide your assets. Also, you sound like a really nice guy... and you feel bad for breaking her heart. But don't let that guilt cause you to give up more than you're entitled to in separating your assets. Good luck! I agree with this poster. I went through a similar situation. My ex and I were together for 5 years... bought a home, etc and lasted all of six weeks living together. Thankfully the mortgage was ONLY in his name... however, we had notorized information as I put half the down payment, bills etc. I guess it should have been a red flag that we always protected ourselves as to what the procedure would be if we broke up. However, I am very thankful that was the case. Luckily, we had our families involved and acted (somewhat) civil in the financial process and everything was taken care of in the matter of a day. I doubt she does not have any clue as to what is going on in the relationship. After seven years and after five I knew the end was coming even if I would ignore it in my head. I hope you two can act like adults in this situation. It will make matters 100x easier (I truly believe this will be the world of a difference). Yes, even though you sound like your mind is made up and you REALLY want to do this you are human and you will at some point question whether your doing the right thing, just stick to your gut and act like an adult and be prepared that this will not be any easier for your girlfriend. Good Luck to you.
Author erpderp Posted December 1, 2010 Author Posted December 1, 2010 (edited) Heyyy, you didn't answer the 5 million dollar question posted by habs53! Is there someone else? I'm not trying to be a smartass or anything, just curious. I recently got dumped by my bf of 6 years because he wanted his independence, experience life, bla bla bla.....and I kinda feel like he wanted to pursue someone, though i cant be sure. Is that the case for you? Sorry I have been putting together a reply to a poster above for my reasons why I have considered the breakup. But I may make that a different post since it may derail the topic of this thread. To answer the question posted by habs53, there isn't anyone right now. But part of the reason why I was afraid to initiate a break up was due to me being terrified of being alone. I have many single friends who constantly strike out on dates and the thought of being in that situation worries me. It makes me wonder if I should just settle as this might be my last shot at being with someone. However, I have started to learn that when someone knows that your taken, they see you differently than if you are single. Recently I have met a few single ladies through some of my activities and I've often asked myself what it would be like to date them. This has given me some hope that I could possibly find someone else and that I should maybe entertain the notion of pursuing happiness. I have also read a few of the topics on here about breakup and to be honest. If I do settle and decide not to break up with my current partner, I may regret not ever doing it. Even though we share a house together at least we do not have children. Edited December 1, 2010 by erpderp
Author erpderp Posted December 1, 2010 Author Posted December 1, 2010 I agree with this poster. I went through a similar situation. My ex and I were together for 5 years... bought a home, etc and lasted all of six weeks living together. Thankfully the mortgage was ONLY in his name... however, we had notorized information as I put half the down payment, bills etc. I guess it should have been a red flag that we always protected ourselves as to what the procedure would be if we broke up. However, I am very thankful that was the case. Luckily, we had our families involved and acted (somewhat) civil in the financial process and everything was taken care of in the matter of a day. I doubt she does not have any clue as to what is going on in the relationship. After seven years and after five I knew the end was coming even if I would ignore it in my head. I hope you two can act like adults in this situation. It will make matters 100x easier (I truly believe this will be the world of a difference). Yes, even though you sound like your mind is made up and you REALLY want to do this you are human and you will at some point question whether your doing the right thing, just stick to your gut and act like an adult and be prepared that this will not be any easier for your girlfriend. Good Luck to you. Thanks for the advice, I hope your right about her being somewhat on the same page in terms of the current relationship situation. Though I'm sure it will come as a great shock to her either way. We have done a mediocre job when it comes to the current finances. When we purchased the house we put both of our names on the mortgage. We both contributed to the down payment, and a large portion of the down payment was due in part to her parents. The payment was so large that it would take make a long time to pay back (~$30,000). But at the time I was fully committed and was considering marriage fairly soon. We had been living together in a small apartment before then (so this wasn't our first time living together). Since then, I have been paying for all of the bills. I wanted to go 50/50 each month, but she didn't want to because she thought that she wouldn't be able to go 50/50 if we had kids in the future. So she didn't want to do it them. Instead we agreed that she would put the money that should have gone to me for the bills onto the mortgage as a lump sum payment instead. For about 2-3 years now of living together in this house she has kept up her end of the bargain in putting the money into the mortgage. We have had several fights, some are due to her constant pressure on getting married. She has brought up the idea that if she leaves me she will want all the money she has paid into the mortgage back. We didn't discuss this further because I quickly dismissed the idea and reassured her that marriage would be "soon." I guess I am also scared of hurting her and that is another reason why I haven't shared my feelings with her to this day. I am finding that through this deliberation, I am not too happy with myself.
climbergirl Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 1) Tell her you are no longer in love with her and are ending the relationship. Do not make up an excuse. If as you say the relationship is rocky, she is not likely happy with you either and is equally staying put for convenience as you have been doing! 2) Be prepared to pay deeply. Since you own common property you are likely to be splitting everything 50/50 with the exception of personal items you brought into the relationship; for those things you cannot agree upon, the best course of action is sell the item(s) and share the proceeds 50/50. You may not have married her but welcome yourself to the similarities of a divorce. This is good advice. Sell the house and give her the $30,000. Split up the rest of the items that the two of you own together. Recognize that no matter how you break up with her that it's not going to be easy, but give her the respect of being able to move on with her life with someone who wants to commit to her. Given how you feel about the relationship and how adamant you are that you do not want to be with her, you are actually doing what's best for her in the long run. By the way, the myth that 7 years together constitutes something equal to being married is a fallacy. Most states don't recognize common law marriages to begin with, and the ones that do don't have a 7 year rule as it's criteria.
SmileyGirl Posted December 1, 2010 Posted December 1, 2010 Thanks for the advice, I hope your right about her being somewhat on the same page in terms of the current relationship situation. Though I'm sure it will come as a great shock to her either way. We have done a mediocre job when it comes to the current finances. When we purchased the house we put both of our names on the mortgage. We both contributed to the down payment, and a large portion of the down payment was due in part to her parents. The payment was so large that it would take make a long time to pay back (~$30,000). But at the time I was fully committed and was considering marriage fairly soon. We had been living together in a small apartment before then (so this wasn't our first time living together). Since then, I have been paying for all of the bills. I wanted to go 50/50 each month, but she didn't want to because she thought that she wouldn't be able to go 50/50 if we had kids in the future. So she didn't want to do it them. Instead we agreed that she would put the money that should have gone to me for the bills onto the mortgage as a lump sum payment instead. For about 2-3 years now of living together in this house she has kept up her end of the bargain in putting the money into the mortgage. We have had several fights, some are due to her constant pressure on getting married. She has brought up the idea that if she leaves me she will want all the money she has paid into the mortgage back. We didn't discuss this further because I quickly dismissed the idea and reassured her that marriage would be "soon." I guess I am also scared of hurting her and that is another reason why I haven't shared my feelings with her to this day. I am finding that through this deliberation, I am not too happy with myself. I think people are giving you a hard time here. If you feel you do not want to be in this relationship anymore (regardless of how long you have been with her) then break up with her. It will be best for both of you. This is why we have so many divorces in this world. Because people get married that aren't sure, "settle", or feel because they have been together so long it's just the next step. Do what your heart is telling you. period. In my situation, I actually put more of the down payment down then he did and his portion also came from his parents. He did end up repaying me the money... over a number of months. If you went to court the judge would not expect you to hand over 30k, it would be over a payment plan, that's how it would have been in my case anyways. Also, if you explained your case as far as you paying all the bills I'm positive that would not go un noticed. Hopefully you two can handle things like adults and you two can walk away with the memories of the relationship and not the bitter feelings of how it ended. Once again, I commend you for following your heart. If my ex and I broke up when we both knew our relationship was going south I would be able to look back now and remember the good 3 years of wonderful memories instead of the last 2 sour years we spent hurting each other at the end. Good Luck to you.
Author erpderp Posted December 7, 2010 Author Posted December 7, 2010 After reading a few posts regarding "Grass is Greener Syndrome" (GIGS), I am starting to wonder if that is what I am feeling. I did fail to mention that this is my first ever serious relationship? I am wondering if the grass is indeed greener on the other side, but I do not have the experience since this is the only relationship I've ever been in. I'm going to hold off the break-up until after Christmas. This way I can think about things, as we are both currently very busy. I have never done this before, and I don't know if I want to go through with it. Even though I find myself unhappy in this relationship.
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