Forgiving = weakness ?

[East7]

I was just wondering if some of WS loose respect for BS after being forgiven...Especially women WS. Actually, I think it is particular to women, they - deep down-, think that the BS who is forgiving is week and has no backbone.

I don't say ALL women and always, but I think it's something very likely to happen. I see from miles away BS telling me how wrong I am but I think it is an interesting question. I respect all POVs.

 

This question is raised because MW claimed she wanted to fix her M and I said ok, Goodbye...No D-day and we went NC. She is constantly breaking NC and telling me that now her H knows about EA (actually it was full PA as well), he forgave her and tries hard to please her and cover her with attentions, but that she is kind of muffled and doesn't like that and she misses me and wants to keep talking with me.

Again typical cake-eater

I was like "wow, you want everything hun, and why should I be talking with you?"

I think she has zero respect for her H to start with the A and now she has no gratitude to his efforts.

Forgiving a cake-eater = weakness ?

What do you think?

[confusedinkansas]

Well, because of the Open Marriage concept - & many have successful marriages with this lifestyle - I'd say NO Not weakness at all. It's more of an understanding. (IMO)

 

You probably don't know the entire story. What goes on behind closed marital doors isn't always 100% shared with the affair partner.

If someone were to continue an affair with a woman whose husband has forgiven her, knows what she's doing - then I say -

If YOU as the affair partner have an issue YOU should move on. Seems they have matters well in hand. She'll probably just find another affair partner who doesn't have a problem with her husband knowing about the affair.

 

Your scenario in no way shape or form makes her husband weak.

[East7]

Well, because of the Open Marriage concept

 

Oh no! She is definitely far from being in an Open Marriage.

 

If someone were to continue an affair with a woman whose husband has forgiven her, knows what she's doing - then I say -

If YOU as the affair partner have an issue YOU should move on. .

 

Believe me I have no will to talk to her, unless she is divorced. She had her ultimatum. I told her so.

[wheelwright]

I was just wondering if some of WS loose respect for BS after being forgiven...Especially women WS. Actually, I think it is particular to women, they - deep down-, think that the BS who is forgiving is week and has no backbone.

I don't say ALL women and always, but I think it's something very likely to happen. I see from miles away BS telling me how wrong I am but I think it is an interesting question. I respect all POVs.

 

This question is raised because MW claimed she wanted to fix her M and I said ok, Goodbye...No D-day and we went NC. She is constantly breaking NC and telling me that now her H knows about EA (actually it was full PA as well), he forgave her and tries hard to please her and cover her with attentions, but that she is kind of muffled and doesn't like that and she misses me and wants to keep talking with me.

Again typical cake-eater

I was like "wow, you want everything hun, and why should I be talking with you?"

I think she has zero respect for her H to start with the A and now she has no gratitude to his efforts.

Forgiving a cake-eater = weakness ?

What do you think?

 

Well like all cases that involve respect, it's highly individual.

 

What I would respect in a BS is pretty much Spark.

 

Let the WS go if they want to, make them mean it if they want to stay, and not feel too bitter about the OP.

 

You might lose respect if a BS tried to blackmail you into staying, let you stay if you didn't really in your heart love them, or felt too bitter about the OP.

 

Forgivness is above and beyond this - it is a letting go and still wishing the WS well whatever the outcome. I could never lose respect for someone who gave me that.

 

Not that I deserve it of course!

[U2RockZz]

 

Let the WS go if they want to, make them mean it if they want to stay,

 

 

 

well he/she could have said that even before she/he become a WS.....cheating adds whole spectrum of emotions....when you open a Pandora box take what you get

 

 

forgiveness=== weakness cuz no sane person would knowingly believe a cheater/lier...it's form of desperation

 

 

"not feel too bitter about the OP"

 

probably a monk could do that

[wicar1]

I was just wondering if some of WS loose respect for BS after being forgiven...Especially women WS. Actually, I think it is particular to women, they - deep down-, think that the BS who is forgiving is week and has no backbone.

I don't say ALL women and always, but I think it's something very likely to happen. I see from miles away BS telling me how wrong I am but I think it is an interesting question. I respect all POVs.

 

This question is raised because MW claimed she wanted to fix her M and I said ok, Goodbye...No D-day and we went NC. She is constantly breaking NC and telling me that now her H knows about EA (actually it was full PA as well), he forgave her and tries hard to please her and cover her with attentions, but that she is kind of muffled and doesn't like that and she misses me and wants to keep talking with me.

Again typical cake-eater

I was like "wow, you want everything hun, and why should I be talking with you?"

I think she has zero respect for her H to start with the A and now she has no gratitude to his efforts.

Forgiving a cake-eater = weakness ?

What do you think?

 

I would say it's a weakness. If your partner cheats on you, then you should just leave instead of forgiving, staying with them and probably again get cheated. In most cases BS is forced to forgive because of kids, finances etc.. but still it shows their weakness and yes some are emotionaly bond to their partners they cannot imagine a life without them.

You forgive a cheating spouse, then you show your weak.

[anne1707]

I was just wondering if some of WS loose respect for BS after being forgiven...Especially women WS. Actually, I think it is particular to women, they - deep down-, think that the BS who is forgiving is week and has no backbone.

I don't say ALL women and always, but I think it's something very likely to happen. I see from miles away BS telling me how wrong I am but I think it is an interesting question. I respect all POVs.

 

As a former WS and having reconciled with my H, I can honestly say I have a huge amount of respect for my H. I think he has shown incredible strength and dignity when I did not deserve another chance. He is an amazing man.

 

 

This question is raised because MW claimed she wanted to fix her M and I said ok, Goodbye...No D-day and we went NC. She is constantly breaking NC and telling me that now her H knows about EA (actually it was full PA as well), he forgave her and tries hard to please her and cover her with attentions, but that she is kind of muffled and doesn't like that and she misses me and wants to keep talking with me.

Again typical cake-eater

 

Well the affair has not ended yet has it? She has lied to her husband about its true extent and still maintains contact. It almost sounds as if she has guilted him into thinking this is his fault - however if he knew all details I am sure he would have a very different attitude.

 

 

I was like "wow, you want everything hun, and why should I be talking with you?"

I think she has zero respect for her H to start with the A and now she has no gratitude to his efforts.

Forgiving a cake-eater = weakness ?

What do you think?

 

She is the weak one because she wants whatever suits her and to hell with anybody else. As you say, she is a cake-eater and will continue to be so whilst she lies to her H and fails to show true remorse for her actions. Is he weak? No - his actions are based on what she has told him and made him believe. He is fighting for his marriage with the best of intentions it would seem - that is a tough thing to do under the circumstances and in no way makes him weak.

 

No gratitude for his efforts! WTF! What about her lack of effort!

[TigerCub]

I'm not married, but I'll give my 2 cents.

 

I think it would depend on the reason the BS is forgiving the WS.

 

If they BS is willing to forgive the BS because the BS shows real remorse and is showing that they want to make things work and it was a 1 time kinda deal - then that's not weak. To believe in something and want to really give it a shot at working, getting past the problems, and fixing something that's mostly good to begin with, that's not weak at all.

 

If the BS is forgiving the WS because they depend on them, or they just can't let go because they're afraid they wont find anyone else, or to keep up appearances, etc.

I think that's weak, because its done for the wrong reasons.

 

Also, If they forgive because of dependence issues, I would imagine that the resentment towards the WS wouldn't go away. Just because the BS would know deep down that they haven't truly forgiven this person, they just did it because they needed to.

[greengoddess]

LOL ok so the husband has no clue the real truth. He thinks his wife had an emotional affair and if you are not real familiar with the whole affair dynamic he probably thinks his wife has just been talking too much with another man. Ok so now you put that to mean the man is weak because he has forgiven his wife? he has no clue his wife had a physical affair or that she is still a lying manipulating cheater. But hos weak?? LOL you just gotta love the op's brain and the cheater's.

[East7]

Ok so now you put that to mean the man is weak because he has forgiven his wife? he has no clue his wife had a physical affair or that she is still a lying manipulating cheater. But hos weak?? LOL you just gotta love the op's brain and the cheater's.

 

Don't take me wrong, Yes she is the weak one, that's why weak persons are not attracted by other weak persons, IMO the problem is inherent to her not to her H.

And I was discussing the concept of Forgiving as a sign of weakness in general not necessarily in my experience.

[greengoddess]

Don't take me wrong, Yes she is the weak one, that's why weak persons are not attracted by other weak persons, IMO the problem is inherent to her not to her H.

And I was discussing the concept of Forgiving as a sign of weakness in general not necessarily in my experience.

 

 

why would forgiving in general be a sign of weakness? Do you really believe people should be so perfect that if they do something wrong you are weak for forgiving them? I think forgiveness in general is a very admirable trait, certainly not a weak one.

[seren]

I have been known my H for 26 years, he had an A for 8 months. When he told me I had the option to walk away, gave him the option of walking away or we could work on what had gone wrong with our marriage, what we needed to change and how/what we needed to do to reconcile. I had my own house, money a very succesful career. No begging, pleading, or manipulation. Just a straight, Do you love her? Do you want to be with her? Obviously the Why question and what happens next question.

 

We decided to reconcile, does that make me weak? Actually it is one of the easiest decisions I have made, why? because I loved/love my H, is that weakness? It did not negate the seriousness of the affair's effects on our life, on my self esteem etc etc. Walking away would practically speaking have been so easy, not so emotionally. Why? because we have such a wealth of shared history, because I understood, understand why the A happened and because I truly do know my H and trust that it will not happen again.

 

Is that weak? I think not, in fact it takes enormous strength to reconcile after an A, much the same strength as it takes to walk away. Having an A takes no strength at all, other than having to wait for the MP to make a decision or if being fed promises that are never happening to wait for the MP to get off the fence.

It is actually rather patronising to think that a forgiving and reconciling BS is weak. Wonder why you would think that was the case.

Edited November 17, 2010 by seren
spelling

[Spark1111]

why would forgiving in general be a sign of weakness? Do you really believe people should be so perfect that if they do something wrong you are weak for forgiving them? I think forgiveness in general is a very admirable trait, certainly not a weak one.

 

FBS here....

 

It took more courage to forgive my fWS and to try to reconcile (at his pleadings) than to walk away and divorce, IMO.

 

BUT, there were many conditions put in place and mutually agreed to by both of us before I would even consider it, and agree to stay with him and the relationship.

 

I had a bag packed and a ready to bolt attitude for 1.5 years after DDAY.

 

They were IC, MC, total transparency of our whereabouts at all times.

 

(He too, was very worried of my having a revenge affair.)

 

Disclosure of all details, a timeline of affair events, and talking, talking, talking about it all.

 

An understanding of the "why" of it, a mutual commitment to strong marital boundaries and spending more time together, period. Access to all email accounts, cell phones, passwords, etc., because people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. That simple.

 

One caveat: If there was accidental contact or intentional contact between he and his former OW, and I was not immediately informed of it, we were done for good.

 

So, East 7, what consequences did your former MOW face? And, is her husband weak or in love in his forgiveness of WHAT HE KNOWS about the affair?

 

Because he doesn't know the truth of it, does he? Because if he did, he'd have some real choices to make in his life, wouldn't he? And she would be forced to change, hopefully for the better, probably alone, wouldn't she?

 

And that would just take growing up and acting like an adult now, wouldn't it?

[confusedinkansas]

why would forgiving in general be a sign of weakness? Do you really believe people should be so perfect that if they do something wrong you are weak for forgiving them? I think forgiveness in general is a very admirable trait, certainly not a weak one.

 

I'm a bit baffled by this myself.

How is someone being forgiving WEAK?

 

My husband is a forgiving soul all the way around the board.

He's got business partners that have F'd him over so many times it pisses me off.....Yet he's still friends with them & continues to do business with them.

He's got friends that have done him so wrong that I personally wouldn't ever speak to them again. But he does. He's cordial, he's friendly.....

I think it's an awesome thing when someone can be forgiving.

 

Many don't believe in being forgiving when it comes to infidelity. I understand that. We're all different with different points of view. I think it takes a VERY STRONG person to forgive infidelity. A STRONG & CONFIDENT person. Not a weak one!!!

[greengoddess]

East maybe you should inform him so he can make decisions on forgiveness based on the real facts.

[PegNosePete]

Forgiving or not forgiving is not weak. What is weak, is not following your heart, and rather taking the easy route.

 

If you forgive out of fear of being alone, then you're being weak. If you don't forgive because it is what is expected from your peers, then you re being weak.

 

If you do what you feel is right, no matter how hard it is or what anyone else thinks, then you are being strong.

[BB07]

True forgiveness is not weak at all, but being a knowing doormat is. There is a difference.

[East7]

True forgiveness is not weak at all, but being a knowing doormat is. There is a difference.

 

LOL...

Not sure who you think is/was a doormat, I don't think I was, but definitely I like your insight.

 

Forgiving or not forgiving is not weak. What is weak, is not following your heart, and rather taking the easy route.

 

If you forgive out of fear of being alone, then you're being weak. If you don't forgive because it is what is expected from your peers, then you re being weak.

 

If you do what you feel is right, no matter how hard it is or what anyone else thinks, then you are being strong.

 

Totally agree ! Great post !

[GorillaTheater]

It seems to me that we're confusing two concepts here: forgiveness and reconciliation. Forgiveness is almost always, if not always period, a healthy thing to do. Letting go of wrongs done to us, letting resentments and hurts fade away, understanding that rarely does the wrongdoing reflect on us. All good stuff that will lead to a happier life, and never reflecting weakness.

 

Reconciliation, in this context remaining in a marriage? Sometimes healthy and sometimes not. Sometimes done for good reasons and sometimes not. Sometimes done out of strength, and sometimes done out of fear and weakness.

 

I think it goes without saying saying that you can forgive without reconciling your marriage.

[Mimolicious]

I was just wondering if some of WS loose respect for BS after being forgiven...Especially women WS. Actually, I think it is particular to women, they - deep down-, think that the BS who is forgiving is week and has no backbone.

I don't say ALL women and always, but I think it's something very likely to happen. I see from miles away BS telling me how wrong I am but I think it is an interesting question. I respect all POVs.

 

This question is raised because MW claimed she wanted to fix her M and I said ok, Goodbye...No D-day and we went NC. She is constantly breaking NC and telling me that now her H knows about EA (actually it was full PA as well), he forgave her and tries hard to please her and cover her with attentions, but that she is kind of muffled and doesn't like that and she misses me and wants to keep talking with me.

Again typical cake-eater

I was like "wow, you want everything hun, and why should I be talking with you?"

I think she has zero respect for her H to start with the A and now she has no gratitude to his efforts.

Forgiving a cake-eater = weakness ?

What do you think?

 

 

If you forgive once and end of story, then no.

If you have to forgive someone multiple times for the same shyte- yes.

 

She has zero respect for everyone. Including herself and YOU. You call her a "Typical Cake-Eater" but you are yet replying back to her messages? Does that make you a "Typical Enabler"?

 

You same question can be reversed, you know. The WS can loose respect for the AP when they are allowed to come in and out and do as they wish. An AP who is forgiving, can be perceived as a no backbone weaka$$ too. Just saying...

[kuma]

She has zero respect for everyone.

 

Exactly. I feel sorry for her H. She's horrible...

[Owl]

If forgiveness and reconciling a marriage with 16 years of wonderful foundation prior to a 2-3 month EA brought on by untreated depression and a poor understanding of relationship dynamics on her part = weak...ok...call me weak.

 

Trust me...I'm quite happy with my choices and what I've done...I won't lose sleep over being considered weak by some group of posters here.

[Gfkr2]

Heard from a cuckolded H to his BW who is my friend, "Honey, I would forgive you if you ever had an affair with another man, take you back in a minute".

 

She takes his comment a a true sign weakness and then goes on to cheat to her heart's content KNOWING she holds the ultimate Get Out of Jail Free card whenever Dday arrives.

[kevinm1019]

I have been known my H for 26 years, he had an A for 8 months. When he told me I had the option to walk away, gave him the option of walking away or we could work on what had gone wrong with our marriage, what we needed to change and how/what we needed to do to reconcile. I had my own house, money a very succesful career. No begging, pleading, or manipulation. Just a straight, Do you love her? Do you want to be with her? Obviously the Why question and what happens next question.

 

We decided to reconcile, does that make me weak? Actually it is one of the easiest decisions I have made, why? because I loved/love my H, is that weakness? It did not negate the seriousness of the affair's effects on our life, on my self esteem etc etc. Walking away would practically speaking have been so easy, not so emotionally. Why? because we have such a wealth of shared history, because I understood, understand why the A happened and because I truly do know my H and trust that it will not happen again.

 

Is that weak? I think not, in fact it takes enormous strength to reconcile after an A, much the same strength as it takes to walk away. Having an A takes no strength at all, other than having to wait for the MP to make a decision or if being fed promises that are never happening to wait for the MP to get off the fence.

It is actually rather patronising to think that a forgiving and reconciling BS is weak. Wonder why you would think that was the case.

Seren... may I ask you a question? It has been 9 months since the discovery of my significant other's emotional and physical affair. I find myself struggling at times with the deception and betrayal. In addition, she reached out to a very close friend of mine to share intimate details of her affair and seek advice because she believed he could offer her a path to reconciliation.

 

I believe she was looking for validation and acceptance of her affair but also believe my forgiveness was a sign of weakness to her... and helped her believe she did not have to deal with the consequences of her poor decisions or actions.

 

As a woman who has received forgiveness... do you have any insight on how to take positive steps and continue on a positive path to reconciliation? What do you do to reassure you husband of your love for him or comfort him when you sense doubt, sadness, etc? Thank you in advance for all of your support.

[East7]

 

You same question can be reversed, you know. The WS can loose respect for the AP when they are allowed to come in and out and do as they wish. An AP who is forgiving, can be perceived as a no backbone weaka$$ too. Just saying...

 

Interesting, but in my case she had the ultimatum, "If you want to keep talking with me, get a D"

 

If forgiveness and reconciling a marriage with 16 years of wonderful foundation prior to a 2-3 month EA brought on by untreated depression and a poor understanding of relationship dynamics on her part = weak...ok...call me weak.

Trust me...I'm quite happy with my choices and what I've done...I won't lose sleep over being considered weak by some group of posters here.

 

I have read your story (back to 2004) and I respect your choice.

 

I think (in general, not your W) that the WS in the first stages of reconciling are "lost" between grieving the fOM and trying to reconnect with the BS, in consequence they are not fully respecting and having conscience of the BS efforts. WS mind-reading :

"Wow he is forgiving me, such a lovely and strong man my H is...Do I love him? Maybe...but I miss so much OM...Do I want to divorce, no, I'm not ready, maybe later, eventually.."

 

I believe she was looking for validation and acceptance of her affair but also believe my forgiveness was a sign of weakness to her... and helped her believe she did not have to deal with the consequences of her poor decisions or actions.

 

Very interesting. Thank you.

Edited November 17, 2010 by East7