ladeedee Posted November 16, 2010 Share Posted November 16, 2010 The other night my boyfriend told me that he has almost said I love you a few times already. I let it drop right there and hugged him. Didn't take the conversation further. We've had a rocky past, but we've let all of it go and have moved on. Currently, our relationship couldn't get any better. We are both very happy. If it's anything, he has brought up living together after college (I'm 21 and he's 25) and what we could potentially be doing. I've been patient in waiting for him to say it because he said that he wanted to say it when the time was right. He's mentioned he has said it before to someone else and it was too soon. He wants to say it when he really means it. What I want to know is.. why did he tell me he has almost said it instead of keeping it to himself? Should I ask him about what stopped him or just keep going with the flow and he'll say it when he's ready? I had said it before in our first long-term relationship and it ended. And now this is the second time we've dated (8 mo so far). I haven't said it since because I feel like I pushed him the last time. I can take it easy... I know he's getting there. He did say it by accident one time but then played it off and tried to cover it up. I didn't say anything. So what should I do? Link to post Share on other sites
zengirl Posted November 16, 2010 Share Posted November 16, 2010 Oy, to me, saying "I almost said I loved you" sounds like a really bad "I love you." I don't understand talking about ILY, either pressuring someone to say it or telling someone you're not ready. Either you love someone or you don't. It should be a lovely gift that comes organically, not a collosal pressure. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ladeedee Posted November 17, 2010 Author Share Posted November 17, 2010 Sorry, but that doesn't really offer me any advice. Link to post Share on other sites
lenny Posted November 17, 2010 Share Posted November 17, 2010 My guy would whisper I love you during sex but during moments where I could easily have thought it was my imagination, and I love yous came out all over the place this one night he was drunk. I did nothing for a couple days examining my feeling for him as well as whether I should be the one to make the direct pronouncement first and then one night when I fell asleep in his arms and he shifted waking me up I said it to him. I got no response. A few days or so later, I said it again - snuggling again, watchin a movie. I got no response. A couple days after that, we were just having a good talk and he was being silly and making me laugh so I said "Oh man do I love you!" This time I got a response with a hug "and she's awake this time - I love you too" Now he's telling me he loves me all the time! I really think he didn't want to say it first (he's a bit insecure) and wasn't sure if I was talking in my sleep or what. I'm not too sure if this is what's happening with your guy because of your history, but at 8 months, I would really expect that he does or he should move on. Also by confessing he almost said it ... really sounds to me like he's unsure of what kind of reception he'd get with it and was fishing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ladeedee Posted November 17, 2010 Author Share Posted November 17, 2010 Last night he said, "I love how soft you are.." so easily. And I feel like yeah, he is fishing with the word love right now. I know he does, he has admitted he feels for me, but just doesn't say it. Should I just go ahead and say it when I feel it just wanting to pop out next time? I've been really patient with him.. and I really don't know whether he's waiting for me or what. I just don't get the "I almost said it." I still don't really know if I should ask! Link to post Share on other sites
zengirl Posted November 17, 2010 Share Posted November 17, 2010 Sorry, but that doesn't really offer me any advice. Sorry if it wasn't clear----My advice is don't do anything. Either someone is going to say I Love You or they aren't. Why try to force it in any way? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ladeedee Posted November 17, 2010 Author Share Posted November 17, 2010 Yeah, true. I know it's coming soon.. I was just confused as to why he told me this... why didn't he just keep it to himself? Oy vey. Link to post Share on other sites
lenny Posted November 17, 2010 Share Posted November 17, 2010 I think you should just spit it out if it's all coming bubbling to the surface rather than bite it back. Given the hints that's what he's thinking, if he isn't brave enough to do it (or even if he want to use the you said it first later to tease you with), what does it hurt for you to say it first? It will definitely stop you stressing about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ladeedee Posted November 17, 2010 Author Share Posted November 17, 2010 I don't think he's being brave either. He keeps playing around with the word and has been teasing me about moving in together.. all this serious stuff and now it's getting me kind of annoyed (and very impatient now) because he hasn't said it yet and I know he feels this way. We have Thanksgiving off and then Christmas break 2 weeks after. We'd be back here by mid January. By the time we are back it will have been 10 months we have been dating... it's like pulling teeth to say it for him. He is so scared! Link to post Share on other sites
Knittress Posted November 17, 2010 Share Posted November 17, 2010 I used to obsess over "I love you" like they were the magic words that opened Ali Babba's cave. It all had to 'mean something.' I would carefully weigh whether I had 'really' loved previous boyfriends and how much I had loved who and for how long. But you know - all that shiz is just neurotic! Telling people they're special to you isn't a binding contract signed in blood, and there's nothing wrong with spreading more warmth in the world. Link to post Share on other sites
lenny Posted November 18, 2010 Share Posted November 18, 2010 Agreed knittress. I think you should just say it. He's being weird - no one's perfect but all of a sudden this is sounding like some kind of competition. SAY IT!!!! Then give an update a couple days after. I'm sure it will be all full of wonderfulness! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ladeedee Posted December 3, 2010 Author Share Posted December 3, 2010 We had a serious talk.. we were kind of due for one since he hasn't said it yet. He keeps talking about the future and I told him not to talk to me about it because it freaks me out.. I'm not at that point where I'm ready to talk about us in the future. Then I asked him about the whole I love you thing. He said he feels that way but doesn't want to say it yet.. he wants to wait to decide to see where we are going. He says that he sees us together but is going to wait to say it. He says he is not going to leave and is going to say it at some point in time. When he said this... I couldn't help but be kind of upset. He is saying he loves me without saying he loves me. Am I right in feeling a little.. upset? Yes, he makes me happy, but we are going on 9 months this month of dating. I know I shouldn't put so much emphasis on the ILY but.. I can't help it. And the kicker is, I don't know where we are going. He is already thinking about that.. I haven't at all. I can't even get my head around it. I'm focused entirely on school. But now after this conversation.. I feel so overwhelmed. Advice? Link to post Share on other sites
humanracer25 Posted December 3, 2010 Share Posted December 3, 2010 I find it very odd that you can date someone for 8 months and not be able to say "I love you" but then I may be wrong as many have said here that you can't truely love a person until you get to know them and it takes time. Still if you are sleeping together at least then surely he must love you to some degree?. It just seems strange to me to go make out, have sex and go on dates without ever adressing your feelings for one and other but that is just me. Also you are both quite young so it could be he is nervous. On a side note, probably one of the things I would do different in my next relationship is say "I love you" more. Sometimes, esp after sex I was always a bit reluctant to say it, not because I didn't love her because I guess my introverted nature found it a bit too much but I slowly got beyond that. Those words mean a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ladeedee Posted December 3, 2010 Author Share Posted December 3, 2010 Yes he does love me. It is completely obvious when he's with me. I know he does, he admits he does, he just doesn't say it! I'm just worked up today from that conversation and needed somewhere to vent and to get input that will help me. But still, it bugs me that he is going to wait until he knows where we are going? I keep thinking the worst case scenario and that he just won't say it. He said that he will, but doesn't know when. This doesn't make sense to me. I'm exhausted and confused. I know he loves me, but damn, why doesn't he just say how he feels? He acts it out... but I want to hear it. Like I said I should be happy with showing and the not telling (which I am) but after today... urg. Getting a bit antsy. Link to post Share on other sites
humanracer25 Posted December 3, 2010 Share Posted December 3, 2010 Yes he does love me. It is completely obvious when he's with me. I know he does, he admits he does, he just doesn't say it! I'm just worked up today from that conversation and needed somewhere to vent and to get input that will help me. But still, it bugs me that he is going to wait until he knows where we are going? I keep thinking the worst case scenario and that he just won't say it. He said that he will, but doesn't know when. This doesn't make sense to me. I'm exhausted and confused. I know he loves me, but damn, why doesn't he just say how he feels? He acts it out... but I want to hear it. Like I said I should be happy with showing and the not telling (which I am) but after today... urg. Getting a bit antsy. Well is he an introverted type? has he ever wrote it down or texted it to you?. Some people have a hard time communicating their feeling verbally. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ladeedee Posted December 3, 2010 Author Share Posted December 3, 2010 He never talks about how he feels. Ever. He has not written it down or texted me any such thing.. he just fishes around with the word love a lot... usually on how he loves how I cuddle with him, or he loves the feel of my skin... he just doesn't say I. Love. You. Link to post Share on other sites
humanracer25 Posted December 3, 2010 Share Posted December 3, 2010 He never talks about how he feels. Ever. He has not written it down or texted me any such thing.. he just fishes around with the word love a lot... usually on how he loves how I cuddle with him, or he loves the feel of my skin... he just doesn't say I. Love. You. Then he is just introverted like me. Personal question but when you make out or have sex, is it usually you that initiates it?. If so then you might have you work cut out with him.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ladeedee Posted December 3, 2010 Author Share Posted December 3, 2010 He initiates sex 98% of the time and making out is about 50/50. And how does this make a difference? lol Link to post Share on other sites
humanracer25 Posted December 3, 2010 Share Posted December 3, 2010 He initiates sex 98% of the time and making out is about 50/50. And how does this make a difference? lol because some introverts have problems expressing their feelings physically too but seems like its mostly all good Link to post Share on other sites
callingyouuu Posted December 3, 2010 Share Posted December 3, 2010 Well, ILY seems to be just as big a deal to him as it is to you. If we're to take him at his word, which I would do, he wants to start laying some groundwork for the future before he says it because it will make him feel more secure in letting out "those three words." You're not ready to talk about the future and sort of solidify your relationship after college, so he's not ready to say it. That's pretty much...it. My guess is that it stems from an insecurity about far the relationship will go after you graduate, since you might go out into the "real world" and decide you want to live more of your life before you settle down. Not saying ILY yet would sort of be a defense mechanism for him against being hurt even more. This is just a guess, though, since you haven't said enough about your relationship to really indicate that for sure. If you want him to say the magical words, you're going to need to at least give him some security in your feelings, which is why he's been pushing you to talk about "the future", IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ladeedee Posted December 3, 2010 Author Share Posted December 3, 2010 My guess is that it stems from an insecurity about far the relationship will go after you graduate, since you might go out into the "real world" and decide you want to live more of your life before you settle down. Not saying ILY yet would sort of be a defense mechanism for him against being hurt even more. This is just a guess, though, since you haven't said enough about your relationship to really indicate that for sure. Yeah this sounds about right, honestly. I'm not ready to talk about it yet. I feel like I've got so much more to do. I like having him here with me but all I'm prepared to do atm is exchange ILY. I don't know what will happen after college. He said that we graduate in a year and a half and we need to start thinking about it. I feel pressured to start thinking about it.. I've been happy the way things were going and now I know what I know after today's convo. I love him and I care about him, I'm just not ready right now for that. He seems willing to wait, but wants me to think about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ladeedee Posted December 5, 2010 Author Share Posted December 5, 2010 Well surprise! He said it this AM! Def wasn't expecting it! Link to post Share on other sites
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