It's all going wrong!

[Taucher]

I have put a few messages about re: my wek old LDR. I said about how my GF is on her way to Colombia, via family in USA. Anyway, she did her TOEFL exam 2 weeks ago here in London. If she got 80 MINNIMUM she would be able to come back in January to do her Masters degree. The result came through today. SHe didnt get the score. In fact, she was some way off. And now I am so worried. I feel desperately unhappy. Dont know what will happen now. I fear the worst.

 

The other issue is, I havent heard from my SO today. Every day she's been gone I get 6-7 emails a day from first thing. Today I have heard nothing. I want to talk to her about stuff.

 

I might be over reacting because it is not even 5pm in Florida, where she is, yet. And yet I am having a big, stupid, teary panic.

 

 

T

[LittleTiger]

Deep breath Taucher. Your gf is probably just feeling a bit down after getting her results and is lying low for a little while.

 

You know how bad you're feeling yourself, she's probably feeling just as bad, if not worse - thinking that she's to blame for not getting the marks she needed, with the result being that you're going to be apart for longer. She's probably not sure what to say to you right now and is disappointed with herself.

 

Give her a little time. Send her an encouraging and supportive message and I'm sure she'll contact you as soon as she feels ready.

 

As for your long term prospects, you will work things out. I know that every minute you're apart can seem like forever but some of us on here have been in our LDRs for quite a while and we're still going strong. If you read some of our stories you'll see that we all find a way somehow to get through, however long it takes.

 

Don't lose heart. You can make this work out if you both want it badly enough.

[HeavenOrHell]

I agree with LittleTiger

I'm sure things will work out fine, your OH is probably feeling pretty low, I know I can tend to keep myself to myself when I feel like that, which isn't good

Hope you get to talk to her soon.

[Taucher]

Thanks you two,

 

Well, I was on Skype and my GF logs on. I message her but she doesnt reply? I say Im confused, please answer etc but no reply. After 10 minutes of this I put in a call. She immediately replies and says she cant speak as she doesnt have a microphone and that she was sorry she couldnt speak before as she was having dinner.

 

So we chat a little bit. She apologises for not emailing all day but she went out to her Uncle's work.

 

Before I can say anything she says she is going out with her uncle and says I love you then is gone. I wasnt even sure if she was coming back or what. I am still logged onto Skype and 45 minutes later...nothing. Usually we take ages to leave (the old "you hang up first" routine) but today, gone.

 

Distance heightens all the emotions or is she being weird?

 

Gah!

 

T

[folieadeux]

Hang in there T. I'm sure she's maybe getting advice from her family on what to do right now. I know that's what I would do at least.

 

Being LD definitely heightens the emotions for sure, good and bad.

 

My SO and I are in constant contact all day, every day. Due to recent circumstances we can't be and I'm being a brat about it. The distance does crazy things to us sometimes and we act completely irrationally.

[hoping2heal]

T, I am sure right now she is just feeling terrible about the scores and maybe even blaming herself that the score was not better. I am sure it was a devestating blow to have that taken away and she is likely dealing with the fallout from that. You need to be the clear thinker right now, and help guide her through back up plans and other ways of working this out, if you give in to despair along with her, you'll both just sink. Chin up, brain on.

[Taucher]

As it turned out, she HADNT seen her result. She was just busy and she called me as soon as she could. When I told her, she was upset to say the least. She really thought she had passed and that she would be coming back in January. So, the last couple of days have been tense, we have even had sort of arguments. Now everything is uncertain.

 

She hasnt spoken to her family about it because they didnt know she re-took the test. Her Dad doesnt want her to come to the UK UNLESS it is for a Masters degree. So, she says she has to stay in Colombia to do an english course and then apply for a Masters degree in London for next September. She refuses to speak to her Dad and he seems to have the final say on what happens. I offered to pay for her to do an IELTS English course in London from January - Sep so she can then do a Masters degree, but she says she cant.

 

So I am looking into going to Bogota for 3 -4 months from Feb or maybe March next year. SHe loves this idea. I understand that she hasnt seen her family for 2.5 years but if I DONT go, we wont see each other until April, when I can go for 2-3 weeks. And after that we would have to wait until September.

 

Gah. LDRs take a lot of organising and thinking. I dont know WHAT to do.

 

T

[lala82]

I think that arguments are normal now. Both of you are very stress about the results. Try to come to Colombia in a few months and you can see how things are between both of you.

[aerogurl87]

As it turned out, she HADNT seen her result. She was just busy and she called me as soon as she could. When I told her, she was upset to say the least. She really thought she had passed and that she would be coming back in January. So, the last couple of days have been tense, we have even had sort of arguments. Now everything is uncertain.

 

She hasnt spoken to her family about it because they didnt know she re-took the test. Her Dad doesnt want her to come to the UK UNLESS it is for a Masters degree. So, she says she has to stay in Colombia to do an english course and then apply for a Masters degree in London for next September. She refuses to speak to her Dad and he seems to have the final say on what happens. I offered to pay for her to do an IELTS English course in London from January - Sep so she can then do a Masters degree, but she says she cant.

 

So I am looking into going to Bogota for 3 -4 months from Feb or maybe March next year. SHe loves this idea. I understand that she hasnt seen her family for 2.5 years but if I DONT go, we wont see each other until April, when I can go for 2-3 weeks. And after that we would have to wait until September.

 

Gah. LDRs take a lot of organising and thinking. I dont know WHAT to do.

 

T

 

Well that all sucks. I sort of understand why she won't come back to England (family pressure and the possibility of being alienated by your family) but I think you need to talk to your girlfriend and tell her she needs to start standing up for herself. I understand her culture may be different, but she needs to do what's best for her and sometimes that means going against what her parents want. Plus tell her that if she comes to the UK to study she has the benefit of being immersed in the language all the time instead of just going to a few classes in the week. That may change her mind as well as her father's.

 

Also, do you know her parents? If you do, maybe you can talk to her dad about you paying for her to take the classes back in the UK. He might agree to it if he knows no money will be coming out of his pocket for her to take the classes. And yep, LDRs are hard. My boyfriend and I are kinda in a limbo period at the moment ourselves with immigration.

[Taucher]

I think that arguments are normal now. Both of you are very stress about the results. Try to come to Colombia in a few months and you can see how things are between both of you.

 

It's an option but I have to speak to my job first to see if they will let me have the time off unpaid. If they wont...I dont know what.

 

Well that all sucks. I sort of understand why she won't come back to England (family pressure and the possibility of being alienated by your family) but I think you need to talk to your girlfriend and tell her she needs to start standing up for herself. I understand her culture may be different, but she needs to do what's best for her and sometimes that means going against what her parents want. Plus tell her that if she comes to the UK to study she has the benefit of being immersed in the language all the time instead of just going to a few classes in the week. That may change her mind as well as her father's.

 

Also, do you know her parents? If you do, maybe you can talk to her dad about you paying for her to take the classes back in the UK. He might agree to it if he knows no money will be coming out of his pocket for her to take the classes. And yep, LDRs are hard. My boyfriend and I are kinda in a limbo period at the moment ourselves with immigration.

 

She really is sure that her Dad wont change his mind. And her Dad is going to pay for her masters when she eventually passes the english test so she has to keep him on side. She says he wants her to get a job in Bogota for 6 months, do English in the evening and hopoefully apply for Masters in London in September. But I dont see the point...if she gets a job she might want to keep it and she might never come back. Maybe pride is stopping her from letting me pay. And yes, it could be cultural but then girl's daddies can be difficult with their precious little girl's boyfriend and that is cross-culture I think. But she is 27 for **** sake!

 

I dont know her parents and they dont speak a word of English anyway, and my Spanish is almost non existant.

[HeavenOrHell]

Emotions are definitely heightened in LDR's. Ugh

Actually sometimes it's nice with the positive feelings, but the negative emotions suck.

[lala82]

I understand a little bit better your situation. I am 27 years old and Colombian. I lived in London for more than 3 years. I studied 2 years English and one year my MSC. Now, I am living temporarily in Colombia.

 

I think that your girlfriend's dad is worry about his little baby alone again in London. You know that the majority of people, who are not members of The EU have a part time job London, while they are studying English. It is not easy for a person, who has a qualification in her own country to move abroad and get any job, while she is studying English. I think that's the reason, why your girlfriend's dad does not want she stay in The UK. Maybe, he does not want that his daughter has to work in something different to her profession abroad. I tell you that, because I finish my master's in London. Now, that I have the option to back to work legally in The UK, my parents and older brother does not want that I have to get any job in London until I get a professional job.

 

According to my own experience in London. I think that your gf should back to London to improve her English if she wants to study a masters. Studying masters in a second language is not easy. Even, that I studied 2 years general English in London, my ex-bf paid me a pre-sessional English course in a University in London to improve my English. Here in Bogota, you can find English schools, but I do not think that they will prepare your gf for a MSC in English.

 

If I were you, I should not be worry about she wants to stay here all her life. I think she will miss London sooner or later. Bogota is nice, but London is a magic place. Also, if you want to come to Colombia do not worry about your Spanish. A friend of mine came with her bf, who did not speak any single world in Spanish and her parents did not speak English. My friend's bf had a good relation with her family. Her parents could see that he really loved my friend. My case was different, when my English ex bf came to visit me to Colombia. The relationship between him and my older brother was a disaster; even, that my ex has had a good Spanish level.

 

Keep positive all the time and good luck with your gf

[Taucher]

I understand a little bit better your situation. I am 27 years old and Colombian. I lived in London for more than 3 years. I studied 2 years English and one year my MSC. Now, I am living temporarily in Colombia.

 

I think that your girlfriend's dad is worry about his little baby alone again in London. You know that the majority of people, who are not members of The EU have a part time job London, while they are studying English. It is not easy for a person, who has a qualification in her own country to move abroad and get any job, while she is studying English. I think that's the reason, why your girlfriend's dad does not want she stay in The UK. Maybe, he does not want that his daughter has to work in something different to her profession abroad. I tell you that, because I finish my master's in London. Now, that I have the option to back to work legally in The UK, my parents and older brother does not want that I have to get any job in London until I get a professional job.

 

According to my own experience in London. I think that your gf should back to London to improve her English if she wants to study a masters. Studying masters in a second language is not easy. Even, that I studied 2 years general English in London, my ex-bf paid me a pre-sessional English course in a University in London to improve my English. Here in Bogota, you can find English schools, but I do not think that they will prepare your gf for a MSC in English.

 

If I were you, I should not be worry about she wants to stay here all her life. I think she will miss London sooner or later. Bogota is nice, but London is a magic place. Also, if you want to come to Colombia do not worry about your Spanish. A friend of mine came with her bf, who did not speak any single world in Spanish and her parents did not speak English. My friend's bf had a good relation with her family. Her parents could see that he really loved my friend. My case was different, when my English ex bf came to visit me to Colombia. The relationship between him and my older brother was a disaster; even, that my ex has had a good Spanish level.

 

Keep positive all the time and good luck with your gf

 

My gf is also 27! You are similar! Good to hear that people wont mind if I dont speak Spanish! I m trying to learn as much as I can. I will be going to Bogota in March I think if y GF cant come here.

 

My gf lived in London for 2.5 years doing English but hasnt done her masters yet. But yes she worked for all the time we were going out, at Nandos - and she worked with LOTS of Colombians, which she complained about because it didnt help her ENglish. I used to travel to west London to meet her after work at midnight and then we used to catch the nightbus home together. It sounds horrible but it made me so happy.

 

I think you are partly right about my GF's Dad. He says he wont pay for anything but a MAsters but he is quite happy to pay for her to do a Masters in London, according to my GF. I have offered to pay for a pre-sessional Masters course but she seems resistant to that and says her Dad wont let her. She is going to speak to him when she gets to Colombia on December 17th. We have to wait and see.

 

She says she misses London already. She went to New York and says she didnt like it! She always loved London and really wants to come back. However, she has all her best friends and family in Bogota and hasnt seen any of them for 2 and a half years so part of me is worried that she will realise how much she missed them all and she wont want to come back. I dont THINK it will happen -she says she is "homesick" for London and even misses the food!

 

Anyway, sorry for the length of this message! just letting it all out because I like to be strong for her so I dont tell her ALL my fears. Sometimes I find the uncertainty the hardest thing of all.

 

T

Edited November 23, 2010 by Taucher

[lala82]

Do not worry about coming to Colombia. You will realize that people here is very friendly with foreigners, even if they do not speak Spanish.

 

I understand why her dad does not want that she stay in London. He is the same as my parents and older brother, who does not want I back to London and have any kind of job, which won't be related to my MSC. As I tell you before, if your gf does not have the English level for a MSC. I would advice to her to study the pre-sessional English course at least for 3 months during the summer. The pre-sessional English course helped me a lot during my MSC. It helped to improve a lot with my English and speaking, because I was the only Spanish speaker.

 

I think she should speak with her father about the benefits of studying the pre-sessional English course. When I arrived to Colombia, my older brother was reluctant about the idea of back to London. But, now he understand that if I will back I would do it for me not for my ex bf.

 

 

Do not worry if she wants to stay here. For my own experience, it is not easy to back to Colombia after living a few years in England. When I back, I miss London a lot My colombian friends were very busy and I felt strange like living in a new country. Still missing London

 

Anyway, if you need something, you can count with me.

[Taucher]

Do not worry about coming to Colombia. You will realize that people here is very friendly with foreigners, even if they do not speak Spanish.

 

I understand why her dad does not want that she stay in London. He is the same as my parents and older brother, who does not want I back to London and have any kind of job, which won't be related to my MSC. As I tell you before, if your gf does not have the English level for a MSC. I would advice to her to study the pre-sessional English course at least for 3 months during the summer. The pre-sessional English course helped me a lot during my MSC. It helped to improve a lot with my English and speaking, because I was the only Spanish speaker.

 

I think she should speak with her father about the benefits of studying the pre-sessional English course. When I arrived to Colombia, my older brother was reluctant about the idea of back to London. But, now he understand that if I will back I would do it for me not for my ex bf.

 

 

Do not worry if she wants to stay here. For my own experience, it is not easy to back to Colombia after living a few years in England. When I back, I miss London a lot My colombian friends were very busy and I felt strange like living in a new country. Still missing London

 

Anyway, if you need something, you can count with me.

 

Hello again lala!

 

I am not worried about coming to Colombia, I have heard such good things about it and I have met quite a few Colombians in London and they have almost all been lovely. My friend spent 3 weeks in Colombia, Mmainly Bogota, and he loved it more than anywhere else in South America.

 

Her Dad wnats her to get a job for 6 months before she does her Masters, and that the job is relevant to her Masters and her career. I am worried that she wont come to do English in London and therefore wont pass, but I just have to wait until she speaks to him.

 

As I said, she always now says she misses London (as well as missing me) and I think she means it. But how easy will it be for her to get a visa? and isnt it expensive, like £400? And if she did a pre-sessional course in London, would she have to applyfor a whole new visa if she then wants to do her Masters? And if she does have to apply for a new visa, will she have to go back to Colombia to do it?

 

Sorry about all my questions!

 

T

[lala82]

Glad that your relationship between you and your gf are good. Keep positive, you will meet her soon again.

 

 

I think the price for the visa is only £344. She must to show to the Embassy a letter that proves that she has been accepted in an university. Also, she must to prove that she has enough founds to pay the masters and the accommodation for the length of her studies in London. However, I would advice to her to visit a student agency, because The UKBA changes the rules all the time.

 

Even, if she must to do a pre-sessional English course during the summer it won't be a problem for the Embassy. I think the university can write a letter to the embassy, which explains that she must to do the course during the summer and then she will start the masters. Do not worry about her visa, as long as she has all the requirements for the Embassy, she won't have any problems to back to The UK.