How to stop "street harrassment" from men

[Karena85]

I need some advice/reassurance when it comes to dealing with "street harrassment" by males in some parts of the world!!

 

Ok so this is not really to do with a relationship but I wasn't sure which category to put this under!

 

I've been having so many problems recently so would really like some advice or reassurance.

 

I'm travelling around Europe at the moment and in many cities I can't seem to go a day without geeting harrassed at least 5 times. I'm used to guys staring - I understand that's how they're brains are wired but I become quite upset and offended when I hear kissing sounds, or have sexual comment directed towards me. I've even been followed a few times.

 

In case you are wondering - I'm ordinary looking and apropriately dressed!! Today for examply I was wearing normal blue jeans, very attractive hiking boots (haha), a plain jacket, and to hide the fact that my hair was particularly frizzy that day, a beanie. It was cold so I expect I had a rather red nose too!

 

I'm guessing then that certain men will target anything remotely female and as I am travelling alone that makes me a prime target.

 

I'm also wondering if it's a confidence issue - I'm quite confident being on my own maybe that shows, I'm not sure. Also the fact that I'm always looking around me (I'm a tourist after all) I'm prone to accidently catch people's eye unlike the locals who look straight ahead!

 

What I want to know is can anyone give me advice on how I can reduce the leering? Something to do with body language maybe? Or anything else?

 

And please can you reassure me that I'm not the only one this happens too!! I'm from a small town where everyone knows each other and am new to the 'big city' thing. What are your experiences?

 

I met a nice boy while working in London and I'm hoping things get more serious when I return to work there after christmas however I run the risk of turning against the entire male population at this rate!!

 

 

Also, am I right in thinking these types of men don't get a lot of girls....?

[ReturnToSender]

I always wonder which girls ever fall for that approach...so that I can find them and tell them to knock it off, they are giving guys the wrong idea that works! lol

 

Yeah, happens to me all the time. Doesnt matter if Im dressed up or grungy as all give out, guys yelling "Aye!...Mami!!!" at me, honking from their cars, stopping in their tracks "Girrrrrl! Whats yo name?!!!!" is all a given. Some men are weird.

 

Best I can say is yeah dont make direct eye contact, walk with a purpose, not like youre all lost and vulnerable. When faced with someone direct in my face, I find I have an easier time being smart aleck instead of mean...if I flash a dirty look or say something to show Im annoyed, yeah its like they wanna follow me and change my mind or something. But when I smirk and say something as I walk past like "yeah my man knows how lucky he is"...or "its guys like you that make my man violently jealous"...they usually dont follow me and leave me alone...

 

I never ever flinch or pay attention when someone calls out from afar, whistles, honks their horn, etc...ever...I play totally deaf like I have no clue they are talking to me...else it just fuels their attention.

 

Oh and I venture to guess for the most part they already have a girl and just having some fun with you to get your attention...I have male friends who have done the Aye Mami! thing, and Ive whacked them for being "that guy". They dont actually expect the woman to come over or acknowledge them, one said even the mere second she hesitates to give him the evil eye is another second he has to look at her before she walks away. I swear man...nuts.

Edited November 16, 2010 by ReturnToSender

[Cee]

I feel your pain.

 

I was reading about women traveling alone in Europe and Rick Steves gives some good advice:

 

http://www.transitionsabroad.com/publications/magazine/0511/solo_woman_travel_in_europe.shtml

 

The truth is you can't stop harrassment. Even if you follow local customs, harrassment is going to happen and it would help if you didn't get too crazy over it.

 

I live in a neighborhood (in the US) where harrassment happens to me every day. Even though I dress like a tomboy. It's part of the culture there. Fortunately, the men from the block don't harrass me, which is cool. But, I have been whistled at and followed so many times I've lost count. I've learned to relax about the whistles, sounds, and cat calls. I barely notice it anymore and it doesn't make me mad. But I do pay attention to being followed- that is off limits and I usually run in the other direction. Guys are shocked that I run away b/c they think they are being friendly. That teaches them that they are out of line and acting scary.

 

Yesterday, I got harrassed by a little boy who was about 8 years old. I felt very sad. The next generation of harrassers.

 

If I had a solution, I'd tell you. Women without a man, no matter what they are wearing, are pretty much a target in many places in the world.

[GorillaTheater]

Repeated tasering of the offender might help.

[Odyssey]

not much you can do about it. keep walking...

[Green]

I need some advice/reassurance when it comes to dealing with "street harrassment" by males in some parts of the world!!

 

Ok so this is not really to do with a relationship but I wasn't sure which category to put this under!

 

I've been having so many problems recently so would really like some advice or reassurance.

 

I'm travelling around Europe at the moment and in many cities I can't seem to go a day without geeting harrassed at least 5 times. I'm used to guys staring - I understand that's how they're brains are wired but I become quite upset and offended when I hear kissing sounds, or have sexual comment directed towards me. I've even been followed a few times.

 

In case you are wondering - I'm ordinary looking and apropriately dressed!! Today for examply I was wearing normal blue jeans, very attractive hiking boots (haha), a plain jacket, and to hide the fact that my hair was particularly frizzy that day, a beanie. It was cold so I expect I had a rather red nose too!

 

I'm guessing then that certain men will target anything remotely female and as I am travelling alone that makes me a prime target.

 

I'm also wondering if it's a confidence issue - I'm quite confident being on my own maybe that shows, I'm not sure. Also the fact that I'm always looking around me (I'm a tourist after all) I'm prone to accidently catch people's eye unlike the locals who look straight ahead!

 

What I want to know is can anyone give me advice on how I can reduce the leering? Something to do with body language maybe? Or anything else?

 

And please can you reassure me that I'm not the only one this happens too!! I'm from a small town where everyone knows each other and am new to the 'big city' thing. What are your experiences?

 

I met a nice boy while working in London and I'm hoping things get more serious when I return to work there after christmas however I run the risk of turning against the entire male population at this rate!!

 

 

Also, am I right in thinking these types of men don't get a lot of girls....?

 

A young woman in her twenties out alone looking like a tourist... Yeah you are going to get hit on like crazy. 5 times a day actualy doesn't sound that bad. Yes hitting on women works, but some guys are just trying to get a reaction for fun.

 

I always wonder which girls ever fall for that approach...so that I can find them and tell them to knock it off, they are giving guys the wrong idea that works! lol

 

Yeah, happens to me all the time. Doesnt matter if Im dressed up or grungy as all give out, guys yelling "Aye!...Mami!!!" at me, honking from their cars, stopping in their tracks "Girrrrrl! Whats yo name?!!!!" is all a given. Some men are weird.

 

Best I can say is yeah dont make direct eye contact, walk with a purpose, not like youre all lost and vulnerable. When faced with someone direct in my face, I find I have an easier time being smart aleck instead of mean...if I flash a dirty look or say something to show Im annoyed, yeah its like they wanna follow me and change my mind or something. But when I smirk and say something as I walk past like "yeah my man knows how lucky he is"...or "its guys like you that make my man violently jealous"...they usually dont follow me and leave me alone...

 

I never ever flinch or pay attention when someone calls out from afar, whistles, honks their horn, etc...ever...I play totally deaf like I have no clue they are talking to me...else it just fuels their attention.

 

Oh and I venture to guess for the most part they already have a girl and just having some fun with you to get your attention...I have male friends who have done the Aye Mami! thing, and Ive whacked them for being "that guy". They dont actually expect the woman to come over or acknowledge them, one said even the mere second she hesitates to give him the evil eye is another second he has to look at her before she walks away. I swear man...nuts.

 

Women can be worse just on different issues... but nuts none the less.

 

I feel your pain.

 

I was reading about women traveling alone in Europe and Rick Steves gives some good advice:

 

http://www.transitionsabroad.com/publications/magazine/0511/solo_woman_travel_in_europe.shtml

 

The truth is you can't stop harrassment. Even if you follow local customs, harrassment is going to happen and it would help if you didn't get too crazy over it.

 

I live in a neighborhood (in the US) where harrassment happens to me every day. Even though I dress like a tomboy. It's part of the culture there. Fortunately, the men from the block don't harrass me, which is cool. But, I have been whistled at and followed so many times I've lost count. I've learned to relax about the whistles, sounds, and cat calls. I barely notice it anymore and it doesn't make me mad. But I do pay attention to being followed- that is off limits and I usually run in the other direction. Guys are shocked that I run away b/c they think they are being friendly. That teaches them that they are out of line and acting scary.

 

Yesterday, I got harrassed by a little boy who was about 8 years old. I felt very sad. The next generation of harrassers.

 

If I had a solution, I'd tell you. Women without a man, no matter what they are wearing, are pretty much a target in many places in the world.

 

I think the little boys and old men are the worse. Guys who are prime dating age probably are a little smoother about things. If I was a girl I wouldn't let this kind of thing bother me. I'd let it be an ego boost and put people in their place kindly who needed it.

[denise_xo]

Women without a man, no matter what they are wearing, are pretty much a target in many places in the world.

 

Yes, this is often the reality many places. You can't do much except dressing appropriately, thinking through where to go and try to project a don't f*ck with me attitude. I have occasionally responded quite aggressively, but you kind of have to know whether that might work culturally before you try it, otherwise you could get yourself into more trouble.

[ReturnToSender]

Yes, this is often the reality many places. You can't do much except dressing appropriately, thinking through where to go and try to project a don't f*ck with me attitude. I have occasionally responded quite aggressively, but you kind of have to know whether that might work culturally before you try it, otherwise you could get yourself into more trouble.

 

Yeah, Ive had guys turn *really* violent on me when I respond aggressively, even if its so much as a dirty look at them. Lucky for me the only time it turned physical, some friends were closeby and they knocked him down when he lunged at me...the whole while he was screaming that b*tch thinks too good for me, you aint all that blah blah blah. I might have a different story to tell if I was by myself that day.

 

So yeah, I keep it moving, no direct eye contact, and if theyre in my face Im stern but casual, not mean or aggressive... By virtue of approaching me that way they already arent all there, im not going to try and test to see just how psycho they are.

[Joe Normal]

Taser C2 or a concealed carry pistol (where legal) works best.

 

Guy: "Hey Mami!"

 

Woman: [dirty look]

 

Guy: "Hey bitch, think you too good for me huh?" [starts pushing or groping her]

 

Woman: "Say hello to my little friend"

 

Guy: "bleargghhhh!!!" [slumps unconscious on the sidewalk]

[loverofloveandstuff]

not much you can do about it. keep walking...

 

Yeah, I've learnt to ignore these guys... Sometimes when I go out with a girlfriend we'll have guys wolf whistling us or saying something dirty and my friend will stop and turn around to see who it is and sometimes even say something back to the guys. There's no point, just ignore them and pretend you didn't hear.

[Feelin Frisky]

As screwed up as it may seem, there are simply places throughout the world where a woman can't dress and act like what might be normal in an American city. Bear with me a moment because it's not just a simple "cultural" thing as many people seem to just underestimate it as. It's a BIG thing. In America we take for granted that there are laws protecting women from harassment and groping. In other parts of the world, they have a thousand year histories of men recognizing no law but "god's law". And since there's no "god" in the practical sense--no one shows up to claim god-hood and actually act as the agent of "god's law", it is a defacto reality that MEN are the law unto themselves and don't answer to anyone.

 

Now, you can say that countries where this is a problem have police forces and laws. But these are not seen with the the same crystal clarity of "separation of church and state" (please don't quibble with me on the presence or absence of these words in the US Constitution) as they are in the United States where people are led from the earliest age to take the police force as the very front line measure of how civilized a society is. In older countries where religion and state are seen differently, it is men who also comprise the police force and carry with them the thousand year unspoken tradition of other men having no real power over them except that of god. And once again, because "god" is a belief and not an evidential every day intervening reality, man is the law.

 

So why do women get the shi+ end of the stick? They get the shi+ end of the stick for the same reason they used to in the United States where they could not even vote for nearly 150 years after the country came into existence. We of the modern world live an illusion that automobiles, air travel, indoor plumbing and so forth have always existed. But in reality these things didn't exist to the extents that finally gave woman power and freedoms to travel unescorted until the middle half of the 20th Century started producing national highway systems.

 

So for thousands of years men were the law and women were seen as property. They didn't go away to colleges and become professionals. They served menial roles in the household and were often "exchanged" as a virtual form of property in an arranged marriage.

 

To understand why it's not safe or at least as safe as it should be for woman requires one to cease being a product of our times and instead be a citizen of all times. It's a mistake to write aggressive male behavior in foreign lands off as a mere cultural difference. It is a profound world-view difference that has thousands of years of POWER wrapped up in it and in many instances RELIGION--and people--especially men who derive power from religion, take religion heart-attack seriously.

 

So ladies, right or wrong, I urge you not to take it on yourself to wage gender war. It's a bigger battle than you may think and one you're not likely to be the one woman to change. Pick battles you can win. Dress to blend in in countries where "god's law" outweighs "man's law". You can push the envelope in countries like America where MANS law outweighs "gods law" (although there are those here too who seem to be all too much in a hurry to elevate the ancient idea of "god's law" back above that of modern man (and woman).

Edited November 26, 2010 by Feelin Frisky

[Star Gazer]

In the US, when harassed, sometimes I'll grab my crotch and say, "Oh, you want some of this??" The shock usually keeps 'em quiet for a few minutes, and I get a good laugh.

[denise_xo]

Just to add to Frisky's comment: Having lived a few years in societies with different gender conventions that those of the US and north west Europe, I would say that religion isn't necessarily the determining factor. It can be, and it is certainly one historical way of legitimating oppression of women, but it is far from the only or necessarily the most determining one at any given time.

 

Religious discourses in the Middle East have been used as liberating as well as oppressing forces. One case in point is that of education, where Koranic verses that emphasise knowledge seeking have been actively used to encourage education for girls, both at elementary and higher levels. Another example is that of inheritance; while Islamic jurisprudence on inheritance would be impossible to swollow for most European or American women, they are in some cases more 'liberal' than traditional customs. In those contexts, religious discourses on the right to education or the right to due inheritance can be a much more powerful tool than the secular oriented, rights based discourses that have emerged out of European and American political thought.

 

Similarly, those discourses are also, frequenty, employed against harassment. One point of contestation may be that it is exactly those who harass that do not follow the path of God, but rather adhere to outdated version of 'tradition'. I see patriarchal 'tradition' as an equally strong enemy as religion in terms of sustaining gender inequalities, and in some sense it is almost easier to argue about Qur'anic or Biblical re-interpretation than to face the argument 'but this is how we've always done things here, this is our culture'.

 

In short, patriarchy has many heads and not all of them are religiously minded, it is as you say a 'world view' issue that goes beyond God. However, even this 'world view' is not homogenous and I think it's important that when we experience as harassment as foreigners we measure ourselves against local standards - both for how we dress/behave but also as to whether the treatment we are receiving would be considered acceptable for a local woman. So if I am relatively in alignment with local customs (clothes wise etc, although of course 'in alignment with local customs' is a huge can of worms), I WILL pick the battle if I am certain that I will not end up in a situation where I do not get physically hurt - but you need a set of local strategies to do so, i.e. you have to know what options a local woman would be considering in the same situation. It goes without saying that this is based on first having shown respect for local dress and behavoural codes etc - insisting on walking through the market in Cairo dressed in shorts and a tank top is just plain stupidity.

[Feelin Frisky]

Just to add to Frisky's comment: Having lived a few years in societies with different gender conventions that those of the US and north west Europe, I would say that religion isn't necessarily the determining factor. It can be, and it is certainly one historical way of legitimating oppression of women, but it is far from the only or necessarily the most determining one at any given time.

 

Religious discourses in the Middle East have been used as liberating as well as oppressing forces. One case in point is that of education, where Koranic verses that emphasise knowledge seeking have been actively used to encourage education for girls, both at elementary and higher levels. Another example is that of inheritance; while Islamic jurisprudence on inheritance would be impossible to swollow for most European or American women, they are in some cases more 'liberal' than traditional customs. In those contexts, religious discourses on the right to education or the right to due inheritance can be a much more powerful tool than the secular oriented, rights based discourses that have emerged out of European and American political thought.

 

Similarly, those discourses are also, frequenty, employed against harassment. One point of contestation may be that it is exactly those who harass that do not follow the path of God, but rather adhere to outdated version of 'tradition'. I see patriarchal 'tradition' as an equally strong enemy as religion in terms of sustaining gender inequalities, and in some sense it is almost easier to argue about Qur'anic or Biblical re-interpretation than to face the argument 'but this is how we've always done things here, this is our culture'.

 

In short, patriarchy has many heads and not all of them are religiously minded, it is as you say a 'world view' issue that goes beyond God. However, even this 'world view' is not homogenous and I think it's important that when we experience as harassment as foreigners we measure ourselves against local standards - both for how we dress/behave but also as to whether the treatment we are receiving would be considered acceptable for a local woman. So if I am relatively in alignment with local customs (clothes wise etc, although of course 'in alignment with local customs' is a huge can of worms), I WILL pick the battle if I am certain that I will not end up in a situation where I do not get physically hurt - but you need a set of local strategies to do so, i.e. you have to know what options a local woman would be considering in the same situation. It goes without saying that this is based on first having shown respect for local dress and behavoural codes etc - insisting on walking through the market in Cairo dressed in shorts and a tank top is just plain stupidity.

 

Thanks for advancing the ball on this subject. I do however feel the need try to clarify something I said because it may have come out as too literal and that would tend to clod the distinction rather than clarify it. While I asserted that "religion" is a big factor in men's behavior in many locales around the world, I did not intend that to mean that the man on the street in a given situation consider their particular religion's rules or codes consciously before deciding to act out in way considered rude or aggressive to women whom may appear to them as flaunting non-subservience or non-conformity to their religion's view of women. I only use "religion" in the sense of it being source of POWER, a source of IMPLIED INSTANT RIGHTEOUSNESS, a tradition often assumed to have "divine" design but which comes from no other place than the minds of MEN themselves who can convolute anything they wish to to justify anything they want to (and that of course is also true in the Jedeo-Christian world as well as the Islamic).

 

It's far more like a blanket "right of way" legal entitlement which excuses men as NOT having to check a scripture (or what have you) to see if they are in the right. They're always in the right because they wrote all the rules and then call them "god's" rules to add an even greater level of sanctity and totality over them.

 

This tilted reflex in favor of men where men generally don't question each other in terms much other than property disputes is indicative of what one gets when one's religion and one's law have a long history of being intermingled if not on and the same. Modernization of law wherein a "police" force becomes more than a corrupt token gesture actually having to impose new laws created by men and women to actually prosecute other men and women for the breaking of legislated laws is what is seen in some counties as a great evil, the cultural pollution of the west, the way of the infidel etc. This is what a lot of terrorism is about and MEN take this power trip of being laws unto themselves to the far extreme blowing themselves up over. Law as we practice it in America and what it permits--one thing namely, is for women to be our equals, be seen in clothing that does not squelch their identity and sexuality, and other signs of fundamental YIELDING of absolute power, is precisely where the contentions of war sit. It's not religion--it's power.

[goingstrong]

 

What I want to know is can anyone give me advice on how I can reduce the leering? Something to do with body language maybe? Or anything else?

 

 

Without getting into a thousand word dissertation.....travel with a man. That shuts down 99.99% of other men.

[denise_xo]

Without getting into a thousand word dissertation.....travel with a man. That shuts down 99.99% of other men.

 

Well, without getting into a dissertation that's not always an option.