separated and dating, but could reconsile?

[howaboutthat]

Me and my wife started dating 5 years ago, were married a year ago. We separated 3 months ago. She is 25 and I am 23. Some backstory:

 

She has a history of childhood sexual abuse. her parents were separated and she never knew them together. Her mother died when she was 15. She went to live with her grandparents until college. She has been diagnosed with Bipolar and eating disorders throughout her adult life. She has been on medication and stable for the most part through our relationship.

 

I was raised by a functioning alcoholic father and a co-dependent mother. other than that my upbringing was pretty normal.

 

Our relationship has had issues just like anyone. We have had lots of problems with low affection and sexual attention for the majority of our relationship. For the most part it has been her that has withheld or felt disinclined to engage sexually. I had problems sharing my emotions and not expressing my wants and needs (i know i sound like a male stereotype) and we both realized that my frustration with our sex life was a part of that being the only way I would regularly show negative emotions.

 

We saw a couples counselor for 6 months before the separation, and it improved our communication greatly. the problem was it was already getting too late with rifts building between us. I started having an emotional affair with a co-worker. She became a very supportive and close friend. Like all these stories, it wasn't my intent to fall into that, but it happened.

 

My wife was verbally abusive throughout our relationship, and we both fell into very manipulative behavior patterns. She would use ultimatums for any major argument that she didn't think she could win. Eventually she even put the separation in these terms, where I became the one who had to make the decision to say that it wasn't working and we should move for divorce.

 

We split up, and I started dating the OW shortly after. I have also started seeing a counselor individually. Everyone I have talked to supports my decision to leave my wife.

 

She has stated to me that she is open to working on things and trying to get back together. She hasn't seen any men and doesn't plan to or have time to. She also doesn't know I am seeing the OW.

 

Some problems I have: My counselor says its grief, but I go through these waves of wanting to have her back. These deep depressions set in where I know it could be all better if i just called her or saw her. this happens near weekly and hasn't stopped since I left. Does this mean my body is telling me its wrong? I understand that it could be a normal grief process but it has started to come when I am not depressed, and then it makes me depressed in turn. These moods last for an hour to a day. When I am not feeling like this, i am usually not thinking about her in any way and distracted. I love her, and hurting her has made me feel horrible as well. I am past the guilt of my mistakes, but the present situation feel pretty sucky.

 

I truly care about the OW I am with. She is fun and nice and passionate, she does little things to show she cares and we feel like we have been together much longer than we have, longer even than just the year we knew each other before this. The only problem we have is that we are both pretty freshly out of serious relationships and so don't want to officially be seen as dating. We are on an emotional level, and do everything a couple does in terms of events, habits, conversation. I can see myself being with her for a long time, but the feelings I still have left over from my marriage are incredibly painful. Is it just a complete mistake to try this?

 

Aside from those questions, I feel like a complete jerk for not being completely emotionally available to either of these women. Going back to my wife would mean cutting off more ties, burning more bridges than I have already done. In addition to that, would it not be the same? I haven't seen any changes from her that indicate she is a different person. We were fighting on a near daily basis and both unhappy with our relationship turned friendship. With the OW I am able to be honest about how I feel for the most part, but am back to the dating stage again and cant be completely honest without breaking boundaries that haven't been comfortably set yet. I know exactly how my wife will react to any situation, and how she thinks and feels.

 

Am I selfish for even questioning what I currently have? Was I wrong to leave my wife before trying to cut all ties to the OW and work things out for a longer period of time? Do I need to just cut all ties with my wife even though I have that chance to see if it will work, because we had to have something special to have been together that long, or do I cut all ties with the OW and go back?

 

I'm confused and need your criticism and advice to help me work through my decisions. thanks.

[What_Next]

howaboutthat, well the only advice I can give is that YOU have to make this decision. I was in a similiar situation whereby I started dating someone after seperating with my wife. Despite all the warning signs of it being a rebound or revenge affair (call it what you want), I ignore them and continued on with it.

 

In the end I decided to give my wife another chance and I am not in any way sorry for that decision, in fact I am thankful I made it. Now like you this decision did burn some bridges for me in terms of my family etc, but so be it.

 

I think the key thing I see here is that you openly mention not being able to give your heart to this new woman, does she know this? If she does perhaps she'll make the decision all on her own.

[iheartboobs]

If you want to make it work with your wife, put things on hold with the OW, then, sit down and talk to your wife about everything. Be completely honest about the OW, about what you want and expect out of a marriage, about what made you happy, and what didn't. Don't just dictate to her, but listen to what she has to say, too. Both of you make lists of what you want out of life and expect from each other. If, after all that, you still want to be together and think you can make it work, go for it! What could you possibly have to lose?