OK to name child after former gf?

[scaredandalone1223]

I know most women on here view it differently butI think it is a really nice idea. With that said I think you should casually mention it and guage her reaction. If she seems totally opposed then drop it and move forward with other names. I lost a very dear friend @ the age of 30 and while I do not plan to have other children, if I did I would consider using his name. Now in my situation we were not romantically involved and my husband was also very close to him. I have a memorium tattoo for him with his initial. Some people think it's awesome others have asked doesn't that make your husband feel wierded out. NO my husband loves it, knows what it represents & defends it to those opposed. You are not asking to name your child after an ex that moved away or you broke up with. This was a very important person in your life and a great friend. I personally think it shows what a devoted guy you are and how deep your love and emotions truly run. Your wife has no reason to feel jealous or threatened by a memory, but when/ if you ask be 100% willing to accept the answer she gives and not resent her if she says no. I think it's better to ask and risk a no than not ask and always wonder what if.

[tallman]

He's afraid to tell his wife how he feels.

 

You are absolutely correct in this. But honestly, and I mean honestly, it's not nearly as deep as you think.

 

When my wife says, "Are these jeans too tight?" Yes! Sometimes I am afraid to tell my wife how I feel.

 

"Do you mind if my mother comes with us to the mall?" Yes! I am afraid to tell my wife how I feel.

 

"So are you saying you don't want to exchange gifts this Christmas?" Yes! I am afraid to tell my wife how I feel.

 

I have learned these lessons the hard way, and I really, really, didn't want another lesson on when to keep my mouth shut. So, I submitted the post.

 

Also, let me point out that two years after the accident, I had to seek counseling. My wife was there with me at almost every session. She has heard me talk about everything I ever thought or felt or wished about Leah, and she's even heard the disturbing details of the wreck. They have mostly subsided, but she still, at times, has to awake me from nightmares. She knows everything.

 

I still suffer from survivor guilt and that causes my mindset concerning Leah to be a little skewed. I know that. My wife knows that. It was also part of the reason I submitted the question. I needed a detached, objective view. I got it.

 

There is one little thing about the responses that needles me:

 

Please don't tell me to let go off the past. I can't. I'm not holding on - it won't go away. I don't want these images popping up unannounced. I can't stop them.

 

It's very emotional recalling this, but maybe it will make people better understand.

 

It took emergency services about twelve minutes to get to the scene, but Leah was already dead. It only took her a couple of minutes to die. She looked at me, and I looked at her. It was all we could do, and we both knew that she was dying. Neither of us could talk because of physical injuries. I sat there with the girl I loved for for all those minutes, while she died and after she died, fully conscious, fully aware, hearing a man outside the car telling people, "Don't come up here. You don't want to see this."

 

I carried Leah's dead body to the first responders when they arrived. At the time, it felt like the only thing I had left to give her - to hand her over.

 

When the fireman saw me walking toward him, carrying her, he stopped. He set down the stuff he was carrying, and he let me walk to him. Somehow, maybe past experience, he knew to let me make that walk, and his standing there waiting made everyone else stand aside. Ironically, it was sunny, calm, and quiet. I could feel the onlookers watching, and there were even a few women crying, and I too was trying to cry with my jawbone shoved into my mouth. When I got to the fireman, he said, "I'll take her now."

 

I let go of Leah then, at that moment, but I cannot scour the traumatic scenes from my head. So please, the next time you talk with someone who has endured this kind of experience, try to understand that the images will never let them forget.

 

I'm not holding on to the past. It won't go away.

 

I appreciate all your responses, but please, I would appreciate it if you would no longer argue. There's been enough misery with this incident.

[scaredandalone1223]

I do have one more thing to add. How many people who posted here have lost a close friend at a young age. I have lost family members, who I loved way deeper than any friend, but the loss of a friend is a totally different loss. There are few books, support groups, etc. on this matter because it is often swept under the rug. The loss however is very real and very painful. Being romantically tied to that friend makes it even harder to get through. I do feel your wife should be completely aware of your feelings and your grief. I may have happened years ago, but as a part of me dies with my friend, I'm sure a part of you died with her. This doesn't mean you can't love your wife with everything you are, this doesn't mean that your wife doesn't have 100% of the heart you have left. But as your wife, your partner, your best friend, your world she is there for better or worse and while she may not totally know where you're coming from if she hasn't experienced it she is the one to turn to when a memory pops up or a grief day takes hold. I believe she will understand that you lost part of yourself that day and by naming your daughter after her it's your way of syaing yes I loved her, yes a piece of me died that day too, but I'm grateful for my family now, I'm thankful for having you and our daughter in my life you are my whole heart now but this is a piece of me and a piece I want to carry on. I think in time if you do name her that you will be able to say I made it through, I loved again, and I cherish the memory of what I had but what I have now is the world to me. So the more I think about it I think it is a great idea!

[ColdFox]

I lost a very dear friend @ the age of 30 and while I do not plan to have other children, if I did I would consider using his name. Now in my situation we were not romantically involved and my husband was also very close to him. I have a memorium tattoo for him with his initial. .

 

 

But your situation is completely different, because he was not your lover and your husband was friends with him too. Completely different, in nearly all emotional and symbolic ways. If Leah had been very close friends with both tallman and his wife, naming their daughter Leah would be a sweet and appropriate and thoughtful gesture...but that is not the situation at all.

[ColdFox]

I do have one more thing to add. How many people who posted here have lost a close friend at a young age. I have lost family members, who I loved way deeper than any friend, but the loss of a friend is a totally different loss. There are few books, support groups, etc. on this matter because it is often swept under the rug. The loss however is very real and very painful. Being romantically tied to that friend makes it even harder to get through. I do feel your wife should be completely aware of your feelings and your grief. I may have happened years ago, but as a part of me dies with my friend, I'm sure a part of you died with her. This doesn't mean you can't love your wife with everything you are, this doesn't mean that your wife doesn't have 100% of the heart you have left. But as your wife, your partner, your best friend, your world she is there for better or worse and while she may not totally know where you're coming from if she hasn't experienced it she is the one to turn to when a memory pops up or a grief day takes hold. I believe she will understand that you lost part of yourself that day and by naming your daughter after her it's your way of syaing yes I loved her, yes a piece of me died that day too, but I'm grateful for my family now, I'm thankful for having you and our daughter in my life you are my whole heart now but this is a piece of me and a piece I want to carry on. I think in time if you do name her that you will be able to say I made it through, I loved again, and I cherish the memory of what I had but what I have now is the world to me. So the more I think about it I think it is a great idea!

 

I agree that acknowledging a memory and the part of yourself that was shaped by a lost love is reasonable and necessary, and I am a young widow so I do know a little bit about loss.

 

I guess we will have to agree to disagree because I think it is totally inappropriate to name the child Leah and would be very insensitive to his wife. I would never, never expect any future loves of mine to name our children after my lost husband, IMO it is across a line. And of course yes my husband meant the world to me and shaped my life in incredible ways, that's why I married him.

 

This wife is here today, present, and she is pregnant, expecting her first child with her husband, she is looking at the bright future, a new life created by the love between them. He should not wedge the ghost of his former lover into this. I agree with another poster who said even bringing it up now could cast a shadow on his marriage, create doubt and insecurity where there doesn't have to be any.

[ColdFox]

Tallman, I am sorry if arguing this has brought you further pain.

 

I know you did not have bad intentions. And I also know you will never forget Leah, or the tragedy of what happened. You do not have to forget someone you loved, to be able to open your heart and life to another. I remind myself of this all the time, as I am looking to find love again.

 

It sounds like your wife has been wonderfully supportive. How excellent that you sought advice here before doing anything that might have hurt this kind and supportive woman's feelings.

 

It's good that you sought counseling. I was in counseling after my husband died while I was pregnant with our son, dealing with grief and depression. Last year I needed to be on antidepressants and go back into counseling for a few months, it really helped. Maintenance work, to refocus myself on my son and my future and keep from sinking into regrets. If you are still having flashbacks you might need counseling maintenance work too, it sounds like you might have lingering PTSD, which would be totally understandable.