BellaBellaBella Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 My husband's first wife did die. We have a daughter. I would have asked him why and considered it. However, I did know from the get go what happened. I have rarely had doubts about her over me. In fact, I have been greatful that she loved him, when he didn't feel much love in his life. If you have talked about your feelings toward Leah, have you heard her's? I would have considered it if it was on his list. I actually had her name very common on my list in a different spelling.
Author tallman Posted November 17, 2010 Author Posted November 17, 2010 And kids always want to know why they were named. What's mommy going to say? "Oh honey, your middle name is that of another woman your daddy was once in love with." That's a problem? There are so many kids in this world named after ex-moms and ex-dads who are NOT loved anymore? Is that better? "Honey, your middle name is from a wonderful woman your father once loved." That's harmful?
WonderingWhatIf Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 Tallman, none of it is really wrong. But, what would be wrong would be if putting this out there will cause pain and hurt to your wife. This is just me, but I would feel as if I were my husband's second choice. No one wants to feel like a second choice to anyone. It is true that as a woman I should not feel that way, but somewhere deep down inside there.. there would be an inkling of that feeling. And, it would stay with me.
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 Anyway, back on page one he told us he was not going forward with it ... but dozens of people STILL had to weigh in on how messed up his idea was?
WonderingWhatIf Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 Well, not everyone said that his idea was messed up. And, he did post in a forum to get opinions. Honestly, I think the more input the better His original post was very thought provoking.
Stung Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 That's a problem? There are so many kids in this world named after ex-moms and ex-dads who are NOT loved anymore? Is that better? "Honey, your middle name is from a wonderful woman your father once loved." That's harmful? I'm not sure what you mean by an ex-mom or ex-dad, as I'm pretty sure there is no such thing. I don't think it's intrinsically deeply harmful to a child, but it would likely raise questions--very possibly including, at some point, questioning how deep their father's love was for their actual mother, something many kids go through periods of insecurity about already. I think it's probably wise that you decided against this course of action. I don't think your wife would have to be a jealous or ego-centric person for the mere proposal to stroke her insecurity gland--and so why even go there? Particularly as pregnancy is a deeply emotional time for most women. I do sympathize with your loss, and agree with a previous poster who suggested that a donation in her name, a memorial bench or some other memorial structure could be a fitting tribute to Leah's memory, and one less likely to hurt your wife.
whichwayisup Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 That's a problem? There are so many kids in this world named after ex-moms and ex-dads who are NOT loved anymore? Is that better? You mean when mom and dad divorce? Though the difference is, the exmom/exdad are the blood parents and the baby was created by them. Originally Posted by NoLongerSad Tell your wife you would like to make the child's middle name the same as your wife's mother's first name. That's the only way out of the deep hole you've dug for yourself here. What? Have you actually read the whole thread and seen the more recent updates? How has he dug a hole for himself when he hasn't had ANY conversation with his wife about this? He came here asking for our thoughts on this, that is all.
D-Lish Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 Her reaction was sympathetic, but it was a unique situation. My wife and I had been dating for only about a month, and she and I were driving to the beach down the same boulevard. I had not been that way since the wreck. We got stopped at the same red light where the accident happened, and while we were sitting there, I saw the old damage to the curb at the median. As soon as that happened I kinda flashed back, and I immediately saw Leah reaching for me; I saw the fear in her eyes all over again; I saw her die right there next to me. I couldn't have stopped those images if I had tried. Like a baby, I started to break down. As you can imagine, the story came out. This scenario is a Pearl Jam Song- almost word for word. However, would it be inappropriate to name your first child with someone else after your ex? Yes.
Author tallman Posted November 17, 2010 Author Posted November 17, 2010 (edited) This scenario is a Pearl Jam Song- almost word for word. Are you referring to Last Kiss? That's the only Pearl Jam song I know of about a wreck. You have to show me how, because... 1. There was no stalled car. 2. It was not night time. 3. There was no rain. 4. It wasn't my daddy's car. 5. Is was not possible for her to talk after the accident, or me either. 6. I never went unconscious. 7. We didn't swerve off the road. We got smacked in the side. Edited November 17, 2010 by tallman
ColdFox Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 I am very sympathetic, and btw I'm a widow myself. If/when I remarry, my new husband will have to be sympathetic to the memory of my husband, and understand that he was important to me and is still a part of me through our little son. But if I had another child I would never consider asking my new husband if I could name the new child we were having together after my husband, I would consider that thoughtless on my part, not some ego problem on his part if he was hurt by it, as a few people have suggested. I miss my husband and haven't worked out life without him yet but life is for the living, and a new true love would have my full attention, and our child would not be a memorial to the past.
NoLongerSad Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 What? Have you actually read the whole thread and seen the more recent updates? Yes I have. How has he dug a hole for himself when he hasn't had ANY conversation with his wife about this? By failing to communicate with his wife adequately. He's still not communicating adequately because his first post expressed a strong desire to name the child "Leah," which he did not communicate to his wife; then simply based on some posts he read here, he decided to completely suppress his feelings. Surely they have been talking about what to name the baby since she found out she was pregnant? But they've never talked about "Leah"? Why not? Why shouldn't they? Maybe his wife would be OK with it. There is something going on here and the baby-name issue is a symptom, but just the tip of the iceberg. He came here asking for our thoughts on this, that is all. Yet he doesn't even feel secure enough in his marriage to express himself to his wife. "Honey how would you feel about giving our daughter Leah's name as her middle name?" That's not just a random name as good as a number of others. That's the name OP WANTED.
sally4sara Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 Yes I have. By failing to communicate with his wife adequately. He's still not communicating adequately because his first post expressed a strong desire to name the child "Leah," which he did not communicate to his wife; then simply based on some posts he read here, he decided to completely suppress his feelings. Surely they have been talking about what to name the baby since she found out she was pregnant? But they've never talked about "Leah"? Why not? Why shouldn't they? Maybe his wife would be OK with it. There is something going on here and the baby-name issue is a symptom, but just the tip of the iceberg. Yet he doesn't even feel secure enough in his marriage to express himself to his wife. "Honey how would you feel about giving our daughter Leah's name as her middle name?" That's not just a random name as good as a number of others. That's the name OP WANTED. If they'd never discussed Leah at all, he could just offer up the name for consideration without worrying about her reaction. He HAS told her about Leah, which is why he hesitates to suggest the name. Personally, if he feels hesitant, its probably cuz he already knows his wife will not like it.
NoLongerSad Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 If they'd never discussed Leah at all, he could just offer up the name for consideration without worrying about her reaction. He HAS told her about Leah, which is why he hesitates to suggest the name. Personally, if he feels hesitant, its probably cuz he already knows his wife will not like it. Yes but the naming thing is obviously the tip of the iceberg. It sounds like he's never gotten over Leah. This is his "shameful secret" and he doesn't even feel like he can tell his wife that he really really wants to name their child "Leah" because of that shame. Not because of the name itself, and not even because of the possible (but not definite) hurt it would cause his wife; but because of what the name still represents to himself. He is still hung up on Leah. He never got over Leah.
kuma Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 My daughter will know that when you love someone, you can't just turn it off. If you can, it wasn't love. With that said, I think her understanding the reasoning behind the name could be beneficial - not detrimental. It's OK to love people. IMO, most kids love to hear love stories about their parents. Regardless, I am not 100% certain how my wife would feel in the long run. She is my first priority and because of that, I will leave it alone. Better safe, than sorry. I completely agree.
sally4sara Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 Yes but the naming thing is obviously the tip of the iceberg. It sounds like he's never gotten over Leah. This is his "shameful secret" and he doesn't even feel like he can tell his wife that he really really wants to name their child "Leah" because of that shame. Not because of the name itself, and not even because of the possible (but not definite) hurt it would cause his wife; but because of what the name still represents to himself. He is still hung up on Leah. He never got over Leah. Well look, none of US are his wife. So he doesn't have to worry about our reactions or feelings. And he said that this Leah, regardless of how he felt about her when she was alive, was a person with admirable qualities. Assuming more than what he shared as why he thought about using the name is, well, assuming things that may or may not be true.
ReturnToSender Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 (edited) Well look, none of US are his wife Exactly. Dang...whats with the strong emotional involvement? The guy asked for advice, it was given, he contemplated the argument against it, and made the decision not to bring it up. And hes getting bashed for that? Now he's dug himself a hole, has deep marital problems of which this is just the tip of the iceberg, and practically being hung from the rafters. Because he asked for advice on his babys name. Really? Edited November 17, 2010 by ReturnToSender
NoLongerSad Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 Exactly. Dang...whats with the strong emotional involvement? The guy asked for advice, it was given, he contemplated the argument against it, and made the decision not to bring it up. And hes getting bashed for that? Now he's dug himself a hole, has deep marital problems of which this is just the tip of the iceberg, and practically being hung from the rafters. Because he asked for advice on his babys name. Really? No, it's not about the baby's name at all. It's because he's still hung up on Leah, and he doesn't feel he can talk to his wife about it. Why didn't he simply present the idea to his wife in the first place? "Hey remember my old gf Leah? Why not name our kid after her?" I think he should ask his wife, what's the big deal? Maybe she will say "yes."
ReturnToSender Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 No, it's not about the baby's name at all. It's because he's still hung up on Leah, and he doesn't feel he can talk to his wife about it. Why didn't he simply present the idea to his wife in the first place? "Hey remember my old gf Leah? Why not name our kid after her?" I think he should ask his wife, what's the big deal? Maybe she will say "yes." I thought he said he has talked to his wife about Leah... ...anyway, its not like they ended on bad terms or broke up and hes harboring unrequited love for someone else. He has love in his heart for Leah, a woman he loved who passed on. I hardly equate that to being hung up on her. ...its up to him if he still wants to bring it up to her or not. Given your argument, why does anyone on here ask for advice instead of just go directly to the person they are in a relationship with...Id figure anyone who felt no one should seek advice has no interest in being on a forum like this anyway. Im sure though by now he wishes he never asked for advice to begin with.
Author tallman Posted November 17, 2010 Author Posted November 17, 2010 I think he should ask his wife, what's the big deal? When I started this thread I was thinking the same thing: "What's the big deal?" But I don't always understand women, so I thought I would throw the question out there. I got my answer in the first five posts, but to be honest, I actually expected no one would see the name as a problem. 44 posts later and I can assure you, there's not a snowball's chance in hell I'll mention the name, Leah. I never, in a million years, would have expected this mudslinging. I don't always understand women, and I didn't want to hurt my wife's feelings. Thank God I threw this question out here!
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 No, it's not about the baby's name at all. It's because he's still hung up on Leah, and he doesn't feel he can talk to his wife about it. Why didn't he simply present the idea to his wife in the first place? "Hey remember my old gf Leah? Why not name our kid after her?" I think he should ask his wife, what's the big deal? Maybe she will say "yes." What a random and mean spirited interpretation of the OP.
NoLongerSad Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 What a random and mean spirited interpretation of the OP. Only a very bitter and mean-spirited person would have that sort of perception of my comments.
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 Only a very bitter and mean-spirited person would have that sort of perception of my comments. Evidently not, since I have such a view without being a bitter and / or mean spirited person. Why not try to give some positive and compassionate advice or feedback once in a while? I think that's the mission of this site. Come on. Give it a try.
Mr. Lucky Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 It's because he's still hung up on Leah, and he doesn't feel he can talk to his wife about it. Boy, I've read the entire thread twice and don't see how you - and you alone, by the way - arrived at this interpretation. His original question was whether asking his wife would hurt her feelings. He's not being secretive or deceitful, he's being considerate. Big difference... Mr. Lucky
NoLongerSad Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 Boy, I've read the entire thread twice and don't see how you - and you alone, by the way - arrived at this interpretation. That doesn't bother me a bit. It seems to me that you have a definite agenda, as do some of the other people around here, of deliberately counseling people to be deceptive in their relationships. It's almost as if you and these others are trying to encourage people to plant time bombs in their relationships. Of course you're not upfront about your agenda, but there's no other explanation for your perspective on things. His original question was whether asking his wife would hurt her feelings. He's not being secretive or deceitful, he's being considerate. Big difference... Mr. Lucky He's afraid to tell his wife how he feels. That's secretive, and given his history with Leah, it's deceptive in that there's an issue in his relationship about his lingering feelings towards Leah.
NoLongerSad Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 Evidently not, since I have such a view without being a bitter and / or mean spirited person. In my view you're an extremely bitter and mean-spirited person, which is one of the reasons that you are so quick to castigate others as being that way simply because you disagree with another person's opinion. You see everything through your own interpretive lens. There's nothing mean spirited or bitter about pointing out to the OP that the "real issue" here is not the baby's name, which is almost irrelevant. One name's more or less as good as another. The "real issue" is OP's inability to be forthright with his own wife about his feelings. He's actually fearful of communicating his wishes about how to name the baby to his own wife. But that obviously cannot be because of the name itself, "Leah." A name is just a name. In this case it is what this particular name signifies. OP wants to name his child "Leah" because he still holds very strong feelings for his deceased girlfriend. There's absolutely no reason he couldn't simply discuss this with his wife unless he is fearful of disclosing to his wife that he in fact does still hold strong feelings for Leah. Relationships aren't helped by this kind of secrecy, they are damaged by it. OP has an issue about his feelings towards Leah, which have never been satisfactorily or fully resolved. Rather than confront them head on with the help of his spouse, he wants to bury them. That's fine for the immediate issue, the baby's name; but it doesn't address the underlying feelings. In fact suppression of these kinds of feelings may make them even more of an issue at some point in the future. Why not try to give some positive and compassionate advice or feedback once in a while? I think that's the mission of this site. Come on. Give it a try. I have, and will continue to do so. And I would suggest to you: Why not stop trying to deliberately sabotage other peoples' relationships, and please stop attacking other people who don't take your approach?
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