tallman Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 When I was 18 - 20 years old, I was in love, big time, with a girl named Leah. On a trip to the beach, we had a car accident and Leah was killed. That was nine years ago. Losing her almost killed me, but about a year later I met my wife. We are about to have our first child and we know it will be a girl. I would like to make her middle name, Leah, but I don't know for certain how my wife would feel about that. For the record, my wife knows the whole story of my days with Leah. Do you think it would be inappropriate to ask my wife about making our child's middle name Leah? Thank you in advance for your responses.
quankanne Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 I don't think it's inappropriate – your wife may surprise you by agreeing, she may be affronted ... just be prepared for any answer, and then to move on from there. then again, both our families have named kids for other relatives, my one nephew is named for his dad's best friend, while his brother has my sister's best friend's name – just depends on what her feeling is. out of curiosity, what was her reaction to the story about your relationship with Leah, and then her subsequent death? That might be a good indicator of whether it's smart to approach her with your suggestion.
PegNosePete Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 If I were in your wife's position then I would not be OK with this. It would make me think you were still hung up on her, and that you'd "settled" for me. Even if it's not true it could hurt her feelings.
JamesM Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 I don't think it's inappropriate – your wife may surprise you by agreeing, she may be affronted ... just be prepared for any answer, and then to move on from there. then again, both our families have named kids for other relatives, my one nephew is named for his dad's best friend, while his brother has my sister's best friend's name – just depends on what her feeling is. out of curiosity, what was her reaction to the story about your relationship with Leah, and then her subsequent death? That might be a good indicator of whether it's smart to approach her with your suggestion. Ditto this response. It all depends on how your wife feels about this gf. Personally, I don't think she will go for it, and then I think you should drop it.
Author tallman Posted November 16, 2010 Author Posted November 16, 2010 I don't think it's inappropriate – your wife may surprise you by agreeing, she may be affronted ... just be prepared for any answer, and then to move on from there. then again, both our families have named kids for other relatives, my one nephew is named for his dad's best friend, while his brother has my sister's best friend's name – just depends on what her feeling is. out of curiosity, what was her reaction to the story about your relationship with Leah, and then her subsequent death? That might be a good indicator of whether it's smart to approach her with your suggestion. Her reaction was sympathetic, but it was a unique situation. My wife and I had been dating for only about a month, and she and I were driving to the beach down the same boulevard. I had not been that way since the wreck. We got stopped at the same red light where the accident happened, and while we were sitting there, I saw the old damage to the curb at the median. As soon as that happened I kinda flashed back, and I immediately saw Leah reaching for me; I saw the fear in her eyes all over again; I saw her die right there next to me. I couldn't have stopped those images if I had tried. Like a baby, I started to break down. As you can imagine, the story came out.
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 I don't think it's appropriate, and I wish you could let go of the idea without even asking your wife. I really can understand your feelings, but the daughter created from the love between you and your wife today is not the place to commemorate your feelings for your lost love. It might even prove to be a burden to the child. Just my opinion.
Author tallman Posted November 16, 2010 Author Posted November 16, 2010 I don't think it's appropriate, and I wish you could let go of the idea without even asking your wife. I really can understand your feelings, but the daughter created from the love between you and your wife today is not the place to commemorate your feelings for your lost love. It might even prove to be a burden to the child. Just my opinion. I hadn't really put myself in her (my wife's) position until reading some of these responses. I think you're right. It was a dumb idea that I hadn't thought through. I won't mention it. Thank you all for responding.
whichwayisup Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 I am sorry for your loss, such a tragic way. I'm sure Leah would be honoured to have her name in your child's name, and as sentimental that is, it might hurt your wife's feelings. Unless your wife knew her well and was a friend, then yes it would have been a nice tribute.. Something tells me your wife probably wouldn't see it as a positive, as a tribute, she'd take it the wrong way. It wasn't a dumb idea, just isn't appropriate, that's all. Not sure how you feel if your firstborn was a son and the situation was reversed, your wife wanted to put her ex's name as a middle name.. Just some food for thought!
Stung Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 I don't think it's appropriate, and I wish you could let go of the idea without even asking your wife. I really can understand your feelings, but the daughter created from the love between you and your wife today is not the place to commemorate your feelings for your lost love. It might even prove to be a burden to the child. Just my opinion. A thousand times agreed. I would have been so hurt if my husband had even brought up commemorating a lost love in the name of the child created out of OUR union--especially when I was pregnant and hormonal. Honestly, it would have left a shadow I would have had a very hard time putting completely behind me.
KikiW Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 Honestly, I see both sides. I think it depends on the kind of woman your wife is. I know my first husband had a girl friend in HS that died in an accident. I really liked her name, and was actually the one to suggest it for our own daughter. They didn't date (well, not seriously), but even if they had I wouldn't have changed my mind. To me, there can be very special people in your life that leave unexpectedly. Is it so shameful to want to honor them? I would not feel so. But I do know that there are probably many women out there who don't feel the same way as me.
FanFan Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 When I was 18 - 20 years old, I was in love, big time, with a girl named Leah. On a trip to the beach, we had a car accident and Leah was killed. That was nine years ago. Losing her almost killed me, but about a year later I met my wife. We are about to have our first child and we know it will be a girl. I would like to make her middle name, Leah, but I don't know for certain how my wife would feel about that. For the record, my wife knows the whole story of my days with Leah. Do you think it would be inappropriate to ask my wife about making our child's middle name Leah? Thank you in advance for your responses. That's a very selfish idea of YOURS. If that was your wife's dead niece or your aunt who's alive, I'll support it. It was your ex lover!!!! She has no place in your marriage or in your child's name from this marriage.
tinktronik Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 Honestly, I see both sides. I think it depends on the kind of woman your wife is. I know my first husband had a girl friend in HS that died in an accident. I really liked her name, and was actually the one to suggest it for our own daughter. They didn't date (well, not seriously), but even if they had I wouldn't have changed my mind. To me, there can be very special people in your life that leave unexpectedly. Is it so shameful to want to honor them? I would not feel so. But I do know that there are probably many women out there who don't feel the same way as me. I agree. I am expecting now and if my s/o wanted to give a lost loved one, be it a sister or a woman he loved that died, I can understand that there are people that touch our lives and then are gone and there is reason to commemorate them. However, I too think it depends on the disposition of your wife and should be tread upon carefully.
Green Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 Your wife should be understanding and suportive of the traumatic event you went through with Leah. It isn't something you'll ever get over. At the same time you need to be looking out for your wife who is here and alive now. She can't compete with the memory you have because it will always be perfect. With that said there are many reasons why it would be WRONG to name your daughter in any way first or middle after an ex-lover especialy one who died so tragicly... I mean if she was still alive and you through out the name Leah and you both liked it then go for it. But she is dead and your wife knows the story as she should and it would be WRONG because it has almost a 100% chance of making your wife feel second best... I mean why not sugest naming the child after your wife... and it will confuse the child if she ever heres the story which I'm sure she will but atleast her own name won't be attached to such a traumatic event and it will be easier to hold off on telling such a story. If you tell your grown daughter "hey just to let you know I had a gf who tragicaly died infront of me and you're kind of named after her" nothing good can come of that. So both for your mariage and your unborn daughter I recomend against it. You should continue to remeber leah and honor that memory but look out for your wife, don't alienate her.
Marial Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 While I agree with this post I also believe that using the name as a middle name couldnt be harmless. I mean they were kids when they dated. They werent married or living together. She is passed and I think using it as a middle name would be ok. I don't think it's appropriate, and I wish you could let go of the idea without even asking your wife. I really can understand your feelings, but the daughter created from the love between you and your wife today is not the place to commemorate your feelings for your lost love. It might even prove to be a burden to the child. Just my opinion.
allina Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 I would be so uncomfortable with this. As much as i would want to be supportive and understanding I just wouldn't be able to do it. I would always feel like my husband longed for Leah and I was just second pick. If I was a child who later in life learned the story of my middle name I would feel awkward about it as well. I say don't do it. You have a wife and a baby on the way. I'm truly sorry for your loss but you need to move on. A daily reminder of Leah in the face of your daughter will be counterproductive.
sally4sara Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 I don't know how your wife will react to it. You know her best; is she uber territorial? Does she listen to a heartfelt story and self insert her ego by weighing the storyteller's past emotions for someone and assumes it means something about their feelings for her in the now? I don't think it would bother me. I'd see this Leah as someone you once cared very deeply for, learned a few life lessons, and someone who contributed in some measure, to you being the person I was in love with. And its a middle name for a daughter; not a first name for a blow up doll. To associate the want to give this as a middle name for your daughter (someone who won't be a romantic connection) with romantic feelings you had for a past sex partner is a bit warped IMO. But she is your wife and if she doesn't like it there is no sense in pushing the issue for the memory of a person lost to you no matter how off base the negative assumption may or may not be. How do you think your wife will react to it?
Author tallman Posted November 16, 2010 Author Posted November 16, 2010 I don't think my wife would be upset, neither of us get jealous very easily, but we haven't talked about Leah in years. (Last week my wife pulled out old pictures, and it brought it all back.) If it weren't for the long period of silence on the subject, I would have brought it up, I'm sure. I would like to point out that a lot of my consideration has more to do with the person, Leah, than the love affair. She overcame tremendous odds. She had a horrible childhood with an abusive father, and alcoholic mother, and an older brother who committed suicide. She moved out, made a living on her own, and was attending college. If that's not admirable, I don't know what is. My daughter will know that when you love someone, you can't just turn it off. If you can, it wasn't love. With that said, I think her understanding the reasoning behind the name could be beneficial - not detrimental. It's OK to love people. Regardless, I am not 100% certain how my wife would feel in the long run. She is my first priority and because of that, I will leave it alone. Better safe, than sorry.
ReturnToSender Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 I think it doesnt matter what I think. The only one whose opinion matters is that of your wife. Talk it over with her and find out how she feels about it...if shes uncomfortable even a little bit, then dont do it. If shes fine with the memorium, then go for it. Personally I would say no, but not for any reason anyone else here has... I just dont believe in naming a child after or in honour of anyone....I feel each person deserves their own identity in its entirety, instead of being a reminder of, or live in the shadow of their namesake. But thats just my feeling...no one knows yours wifes feelings except for her.
Author tallman Posted November 16, 2010 Author Posted November 16, 2010 I feel each person deserves their own identity in its entirety, instead of being a reminder of, or live in the shadow of their namesake. I hadn't considered that at all. Very good point.
Cee Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 And I would add, consider your daughter who will live forever with that name. How will your little girl understand the name Leah and your relationship to your deceased girlfriend? Your little girl might develop guilt that had Leah lived, she may never have been born. Children are very perceptive and sensitive. Your daughter will forever associate her name with a tragedy. Please, don't do it. Honor the memory of Leah by making a donation in her name. That's how Alex's Lemonade Stand started by a donation in honor of a little girl who died of cancer. A plaque or park bench is a more fitting monument of your deceased love than your child's name.
Author tallman Posted November 16, 2010 Author Posted November 16, 2010 And I would add, consider your daughter who will live forever with that name. How will your little girl understand the name Leah and your relationship to your deceased girlfriend? Your little girl might develop guilt that had Leah lived, she may never have been born. Children are very perceptive and sensitive. Your daughter will forever associate her name with a tragedy. I don't think she would associate her name with a tragedy, unless I make it that way. That's not the intent at all, and as a result, it would never be discussed with that association. I would let my daughter know that her name, Leah, is based on a woman who overcame tremendous odds. Even my wife agrees that Leah was an incredibly strong person. My wife does not like her own name(s). She's already said, those are out. We're really struggling on names - another reason why I even considered such a thought.
NoLongerSad Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 Tell your wife you would like to make the child's middle name the same as your wife's mother's first name. That's the only way out of the deep hole you've dug for yourself here.
Author tallman Posted November 17, 2010 Author Posted November 17, 2010 Tell your wife you would like to make the child's middle name the same as your wife's mother's first name. That's the only way out of the deep hole you've dug for yourself here. I dug a hole for myself? Obviously you haven't read my earlier responses.
woinlove Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 I don't think she would associate her name with a tragedy, unless I make it that way. That's not the intent at all, and as a result, it would never be discussed with that association. I would let my daughter know that her name, Leah, is based on a woman who overcame tremendous odds. Even my wife agrees that Leah was an incredibly strong person. I take it this is your first child, so you don't know that the next question out of your daughter's mouth will be "where is Leah?". And don't be surprised for her to ask how you met, was that before mommy, etc. Kids ask lots of things. Personally, I can't see explaining to a daughter why she was named after a former girlfriend, before her mother, no matter how great that girlfriend was or how much she was or is loved still. Not to mention the huge missed opportunity to make this name choosing a special connection to you and your wife as a couple and as new parents.
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