Kendrick Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 (edited) A friend of mine and I were discussing this last night. She has been married for 22 years. Not a good healthy marriage. Her husband has cheated on her numerous times through out their marriage. I'm not sure if he still is or not, my guess is probably so. They have two sons who are grown and no longer living in the home, they are both off at college. Ages 19 and 21. Anyway, moving forward, she tells me at times how she feels she should end her marriage because its never really been good. But she is familar with it and feels she should stick by him regardless. Not only has he cheated through out their marriage but he doesn't really pay her much attention, carry on a conversation, he isn't really there for e her emotionally etc. Now here is the part I do not understand. Even though he has done all of this to her and hurt her heart numerous times, she tells me she still lays down with him and has sex. She doesn't find it to be great, for she has lost love for him and it just motionless, and before anyone chimes in maybe thats why he cheated, thats not what she has told me. She has said in the begining it wasn't like that and the love and sex were great and she would do anything whenever, it changed once the cheating began and she lost love for him. He however doesn't seem to mind whether she is into it or not, as long as she is still laying down with him. I have asked her why she allows herself to be treated this way and why she continues to give her husband sex no mater what he has said or done to her. She tells me it says in the bible a woman should always submit to her husband. Now I've read bits and pieces of the bible and while I haven't read that, I think its possible she is not getting the meaning of that. I do not believe it means for a woman to keep giving her husband sex if she is being mistreated? Where would the fairness in this be? He gets to do whatever, speak to her however, run around on her and she gives him sex because she feels its what she is supposed to do. I think maybe this is WHY he treated her and continued to treat her the way he has over the years. She has given him all the amunition he needs to keep doing whatever he wants. Would you or have you continued to sleep with your spouse or partner even if they have continued to mistreat you? If so why? It doesn't matter whether its physical abuse, mental/emotional/verbal, or if they are cheating etc. If you are not getting out of the marriage, wouldn't you draw the line somewhere? Thoughts? Edited November 16, 2010 by Kendrick
EnigmasMuse Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 I think this is a good question, especially since so many are in the opposite boat. Meaning, they are in situations good or not so good, where the spouse DOES NOT keep giving sex. So I would think your friend is one of the rare ones, although I could be wrong, but it does seem there must be more who do not keeping having sex with their spouse than there are that do. Not trying to sound harsh, but your friend sounds like just a plain doormat. No self esteem or self respect etc. I think all people should have some kind of boundary or limitation on things.
Suerenity Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 Well in this case I think she should abstain from sex with him IF she is serious about leaving, however, after 22 years, that should be considerably difficult to do. Ephesians chapter 5:22, "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything." Now this is a completely biblical way of viewing things and most certainly doesn't hold up in our modern, independent thinking society. In no way does this mean that the wife is valued as less than her husband, but has a different role to play, in that the husband should be the one to make important decisions, provide for the family and be the backbone of the household. In many cases, the men do no such thing and the responsibilities are left to the wife. In a case where she knows of him cheating, I think she has every right to withhold her body from him, to protect herself physically (STD's, etc) as well as emotionally. Also, to mentally prepare for not having him around. The Bible also says to men "Love your wife as Christ loved the church. Give yourself up for your wife." [Ephesians 5. She needs to consider this and not be a fool. Being submissive is caring for his needs but not being his slave either.
NoneTheWiser Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 Kendrick It does say in the Bible that women should submit to there husbands. Remember that women were created as a helper to man. HOWEVER the Bible also states that a man needs to love his wife as Jesus so loved the church! Christian men need to heed this advise!
Author Kendrick Posted November 16, 2010 Author Posted November 16, 2010 Thanks for the replies. I understand about what the bible says but like you all said as well, about how the husband should act too, thats what I mean by being fair. One should not expect a person to act one way while the other one doesn't hold up their end of the deal. I'm not saying withholding is right but I will say I understand how that can happen in a case where someone is being mistreated. Yeah, the other option would be to get out of something so unhealthy, but thats not always what happens. And to EnigmasMuse, who said about my friend being a doormat with no self esteem, I agree, and I hate to see that.
Mr. Lucky Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 Why do you think he stays in the marriage? Mr. Lucky
Author Kendrick Posted November 16, 2010 Author Posted November 16, 2010 Why do you think he stays in the marriage? Mr. Lucky I think he stays because he is getting his way..why wouldn't he? He get's sex from his wife, some on the side from whom ever. His wife continues to cook his meals and do his laundry etc, etc. In his mind he probably leads the perfect life.
Mr. Lucky Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 I think he stays because he is getting his way..why wouldn't he? He get's sex from his wife, some on the side from whom ever. His wife continues to cook his meals and do his laundry etc, etc. In his mind he probably leads the perfect life. I'd certainly agree that he seems to be using her to meet his needs. But isn't there the possibility that she's doing the same thing? If he's getting sex, meals and laundry, she's getting financial support, companionship and the ability to keep up appearances. Maybe it's not completely one-sided... Mr. Lucky
Author Kendrick Posted November 16, 2010 Author Posted November 16, 2010 I'd certainly agree that he seems to be using her to meet his needs. But isn't there the possibility that she's doing the same thing? If he's getting sex, meals and laundry, she's getting financial support, companionship and the ability to keep up appearances. Maybe it's not completely one-sided... Mr. Lucky This makes sense, and I see what you're saying. However, even though that could be the case, its sad she is so miserable. She does work, she actually makes close to what he does, so I would say financially she might could keep herself up. She has bouts of depression, and rightfully so I suppose. However it is a choice to stay, I just don't see how or why she would want to. Why not rid your self of the hurt and pain? I don't think I have ever seen someone let themselves be so used. I asked her if the sex isn't great like she says, do you just lay there, she says pretty much, maybe she doesn't mind being a deposit box. I know that sounds ugly, but I guess since I haven't been through it, I don't really understand. PS. And as far as companionship, as I mentioned earlier in my OP, he doesn't really pay her much attention. He doesn't really talk to her much or anything, its like two bodies that are just there.
Mr. Lucky Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 PS. And as far as companionship, as I mentioned earlier in my OP, he doesn't really pay her much attention. He doesn't really talk to her much or anything, its like two bodies that are just there. But maybe on some level that meets her needs, even if one of them is dysfunctional - getting what it is she feels she deserves. I've been in your situation - the "friend" that serves as a sounding board for a troubled spouse. And you quickly learn that you're getting a filtered and one-sided version of events. Certainly no excuse for his cheating but, based on your description, he's not keeping her locked in the basement against her will. It's hard to see her as victimized by his actions when she has so many remedies and alternatives available to her. She's there because she wants to be there... Mr. Lucky
JackJack Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 Wow, sorry your friend has put up with that, but yeah, shes allowed it. She sounds like just a shell of a woman. Maybe one day she will wake up and realize what a mess shes in and been in for long time. My guess is she probably want, some people are comfortable in whats familar to them, right or wrong.
carhill Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 OP, suggest that she speak with her pastor or clergy about her issues. Apparently she is a woman of faith so perhaps she can use that faith to her benefit and for support. Also, this will serve to limit how much she dumps upon yourself and her other friends, especially the parts of the M which are inappropriate to be shared with friends. Perhaps she can form healthier boundaries in many areas of her life. Offer her your support and limit your function as a tampon or sounding board. I hope, whatever your opinion of her, that you realize she's human just like us and not white as the driven snow. It takes two to tango in a marriage and there's no doubt she's done her part too. That's what is getting 'filtered'; her 'stuff'. Suggest counseling with her clergy or a third party *professional* therapist. We friends aren't therapists. That and the pay sucks
Author Kendrick Posted November 17, 2010 Author Posted November 17, 2010 (edited) Thanks for the replies JackJack and Carhill. Carhill, actually it was me who asked her about her sex life. Call it nosey or whatever you want, its ok. The reason I had asked her that was, she shared with me first what was going on, but out of curiosity I had asked her if she still laid down with him even though he treated her the way he did and cheated etc. Yes, it was something I had wondered about when I hear people being mistreated etc. And with her being a friend I felt comfortable in asking her, she didn't seem to mind me asking. That's when she told me yes and why that was. As far as therapy, she has been in therapy for awhile. Not sure if its with a pastor though. I asked her if her husband had ever been as well, she said she had tried over the years to get him to either go to MC or IC, but he looked at her and said, "Why, I don't have any issues." I guess in his mind, he doesn't. Edited November 17, 2010 by Kendrick
InternationalPlayboy Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 I guessing you're only getting half the story (hers). And even then there's a built-in filter that shares with you what she wants you to know. I've always believed there's no sure-fire way to know accurately what happens in a relationship unless you are in the relationship. And even then it can be very difficult.
Author Kendrick Posted November 17, 2010 Author Posted November 17, 2010 I guessing you're only getting half the story (hers). And even then there's a built-in filter that shares with you what she wants you to know. I've always believed there's no sure-fire way to know accurately what happens in a relationship unless you are in the relationship. And even then it can be very difficult. I agree and see what you're saying. You're right there are two sides to the story. I'm a firm believer in there always being more to it.
Mr. Lucky Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 I've always believed there's no sure-fire way to know accurately what happens in a relationship unless you are in the relationship. And even then it can be very difficult. I've always been fascinated to see how different people define happiness within the context of a relationship. For some, it seems to be based on conflict avoidance. Others seem to need a daily dose of drama. Some couples do everything together, others lead fairly separate lives. Maybe it's just that most relationships seem strange to an outsider since the dynamic is often very different from what you personally are used to... Mr. Lucky
PandorasBox Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 I've always been fascinated to see how different people define happiness within the context of a relationship. For some, it seems to be based on conflict avoidance. Others seem to need a daily dose of drama. Some couples do everything together, others lead fairly separate lives. Maybe it's just that most relationships seem strange to an outsider since the dynamic is often very different from what you personally are used to... Mr. Lucky I can see this. However, I also believe there are some people who truly are not happy and think they deserve a certain kind of treatment from another person, and maybe on some weird level, they like it that way.
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