am I right to feel insignificant?

[Hold fast]

I just would like someone elses opinion on this,as I am too involved to know if I am being needy or not. Quickly my MM who I have been seeing for him for 6 months and he has left home but not for me. He denies me to his wife, and since he left home he has stopped saying I love you to me,I was living with that but yesterday his boss asked if he was seeing me,we work together,as we have been seen holding hands together in public. He said we weren't to me this is just insulting to her,especially if she find out in the future and it hurts me because with both his boss and wife I look like some bunny boiler who has been pestering this poor married man. I just feel belittled,totally denied. I had a boyfriend at the start of our affair but have told him and we split up,I love my MM and don't hide this from him. I feel like we are going backwards. I don't know what I am asking for from LSI just think he may find it all a bit easier if he was honest. I don't say this to him as he percieves everything as pressure.

[bentnotbroken]

I just would like someone elses opinion on this,as I am too involved to know if I am being needy or not. Quickly my MM who I have been seeing for him for 6 months and he has left home but not for me. He denies me to his wife, and since he left home he has stopped saying I love you to me,I was living with that but yesterday his boss asked if he was seeing me,we work together,as we have been seen holding hands together in public. He said we weren't to me this is just insulting to her,especially if she find out in the future and it hurts me because with both his boss and wife I look like some bunny boiler who has been pestering this poor married man. I just feel belittled,totally denied. I had a boyfriend at the start of our affair but have told him and we split up,I love my MM and don't hide this from him. I feel like we are going backwards. I don't know what I am asking for from LSI just think he may find it all a bit easier if he was honest. I don't say this to him as he percieves everything as pressure.

 

 

Honesty from a cheater...not likely. But you knew that going in...right? You are now in the postion of being gas lighted. Doesn't feel too hot does it?

[juicyfruit62]

Honesty from a cheater...not likely. But you knew that going in...right? You are now in the postion of being gas lighted. Doesn't feel too hot does it?

 

Nice to see you are your usual supportive, nonjudgemental self bent...

doesn't it say somewhere in your bible that if you can"t say anything nice then don't say anything at all?

 

Holdfast, I think you need to have a good talk with this guy, pressure or not. You need to find out what is going on. He owes you this, at the very least. It doesn't sound promising, however, so I think you need to prepare yourself for this to be over. My thoughts are with you.

[U2RockZz]

are you still playing your BF or you both are broke up now"(good for him)......anyways why are you expecting honesty...were you honest with your BF....while you are having multiple affairs...

[bentnotbroken]

Nice to see you are your usual supportive, nonjudgemental self bent...

doesn't it say somewhere in your bible that if you can"t say anything nice then don't say anything at all?

 

Holdfast, I think you need to have a good talk with this guy, pressure or not. You need to find out what is going on. He owes you this, at the very least. It doesn't sound promising, however, so I think you need to prepare yourself for this to be over. My thoughts are with you.

 

 

No it doesn't. Good morning.

[TigerCub]

I just would like someone elses opinion on this,as I am too involved to know if I am being needy or not. Quickly my MM who I have been seeing for him for 6 months and he has left home but not for me.

Isn't that a good thing? I know that when I was with MM, I never wanted him to leave just for me - I wanted him to leave because (as he told me) his relationship with baby momma wasn't good or happy.

 

He denies me to his wife,

I've heard before on these forums that its best that the W doesn't know that there is a woman he's leaving for, because then "competition" sets in. If he left, that's good isn't it. If she knew that he was leaving and was involved with someone else, wouldn't that make her want to fight harder to "save the marriage"?

 

and since he left home he has stopped saying I love you to me,I was living with that but yesterday his boss asked if he was seeing me,we work together,as we have been seen holding hands together in public.

K, the highlighted part, I don't get, and yes you do have a right to feel weird about that one.

 

As far as him denying you to the boss - do you really want all the rumors and BS flying at work? Which brings me to my next question, why are you guys holding hands in public @ the work environment when he's known to be married to someone other than you?

I'm not judging, honest, it just seems like its inviting work gossip and needless drama - but just because I wouldn't do it, doesn't mean that its wrong - I just personally wouldn't do it.

 

I never held hands with xMM at work, and a few people still speculated if something was going on with us, because we used to spend so much time together - luckily, he works in a diff department so the people on my floor don't know his business and he's not really married, so no wedding ring to make things/me look shady @ work.

 

He said we weren't to me this is just insulting to her,especially if she find out in the future and it hurts me because with both his boss and wife I look like some bunny boiler who has been pestering this poor married man. I just feel belittled,totally denied. I had a boyfriend at the start of our affair but have told him and we split up,I love my MM and don't hide this from him. I feel like we are going backwards. I don't know what I am asking for from LSI just think he may find it all a bit easier if he was honest. I don't say this to him as he percieves everything as pressure.

I'm sorry to sound harsh, but I'll have to call bull**** on the part in bold - since when do you really care what's insulting to her? You're cheating with her H! - again not judgment, just calling it as it is.

 

As for the rest, I just have to ask this: Did you bring this up with him and ask him why he's denying you to the boss, why he's not telling W about you now that's he's moved out and why it seems like he's more distant (lack of I love you's, etc..)

I think its best to ask him and see what he tells you instead of wondering.

 

You are justified in feeling belittled. I completely understand where you're coming from, but if it were me, I would just come out and ask him.

 

Good luck

[jthorne]

Uh, he's lying to everyone else, so... It seems to me that if she thought she'd get an honest answer out out of him, she would have already asked. Just sayin.

 

All I can tell you, OP, is that some companies and/or supervisors have rules against co-worker relationships. I don't know if that's true for your workplace. I know most all workplaces frown upon drama and gossip, which would definitely happen should your A be exposed in the workplace. Drama like that is too disruptive and a supervisor's nightmare. That's about the only leg he has to stand on in regards to that.

 

I don't know if you should feel insignificant, but minimized for sure.

 

Good luck.

[TigerCub]

Uh, he's lying to everyone else, so... It seems to me that if she thought she'd get an honest answer out out of him, she would have already asked. Just sayin.

 

Uh, well if she believes that everything he tells her is a lie - why would she bother wanting to be with him? just askin...

[jwi71]

I just would like someone elses opinion on this,as I am too involved to know if I am being needy or not.

 

This is NOT healthy for YOU. Every few weeks you post on "what is he thinking/doing/etc" here. This is NOT the sign of a normal R for YOU. IT is clearly causing YOU great distress.

 

Let me ask you a Q. What can YOU DO to improve this for YOU? I want hard, easily observable ACTIONS....so...what can YOU DO?

 

Quickly my MM who I have been seeing for him for 6 months and he has left home but not for me.

 

Has he filed for D yet? Or just moved out?

 

He denies me to his wife

 

Why do you think he denies you to his W?

What does he gain by doing this?

Who DOES (in his circle) know about you?

 

, and since he left home he has stopped saying I love you to me

 

Why don't you ask him?

 

 

,I was living with that but yesterday his boss asked if he was seeing me,we work together,as we have been seen holding hands together in public. He said we weren't to me this is just insulting to her,especially if she find out in the future and it hurts me because with both his boss and wife I look like some bunny boiler who has been pestering this poor married man.

 

He denied you to the boss too? Is that correct?

 

So this guy is coworker (maybe YOUR boss)?

 

Why don't you simply ASK him why he denies you?

 

I just feel belittled,totally denied.

 

I think most people would. I guess the better question is why you ALLOW it? Look, simply put, he treats like this because you allow it. What can you do to change that dynamic?

 

I had a boyfriend at the start of our affair but have told him and we split up,I love my MM and don't hide this from him. I feel like we are going backwards. I don't know what I am asking for from LSI just think he may find it all a bit easier if he was honest. I don't say this to him as he percieves everything as pressure.

 

I asked before and I'll ask again...when do YOU matter?

 

I'm glad you are making this easy for him. But if YOU won't look after YOU who will?

 

The more NOTHING changes the more things stay the same.

[jthorne]

Uh, well if she believes that everything he tells her is a lie - why would she bother wanting to be with him? just askin...

Excellent question! I wonder that every day when I read some of the posts on this board.

 

I just hope the OP can see past it all!

[2sunny]

so you are his secret.

 

that wouldn't be enough for me. have a voice and be heard - speak your truth.

 

 

who cares what he is or isn't doing. do what's right for you. if it were me - and any man disregarded and denied being with me that way - he'd be cut out of my life in less than a second.

 

his action show that he doesn't hold you in high regard - why is that enough for you? you deserve more than that.

[Hold fast]

Thank you for your responses. Jwi71;I love your questions I am going to think about them. However,he has typically managed to 'upstage' me and turn the attention back on him as his boss took him aside and said he didn't seem to be coping at work and did he want to take off from now till Easter. So I can't start wallowing as he has this decision to make and it nothing to do with me.

[TigerCub]

Thank you for your responses. Jwi71;I love your questions I am going to think about them. However,he has typically managed to 'upstage' me and turn the attention back on him as his boss took him aside and said he didn't seem to be coping at work and did he want to take off from now till Easter. So I can't start wallowing as he has this decision to make and it nothing to do with me.

 

See?! That's what he's used to, turning the attention back on himself and all the "decisions" he has to make - as a way to disregard whatever you are feeling or asking of him

 

"oh no, I can't answer that question right no - I have a decision to make!"

"oh no, I can't deliver on what I promised you - I have a decision to make!"

 

it's all about him!

 

I'm sorry that you're going thru this, but its really your call if you want to put up with it or not.

[Brokenlady]

I've said it before and I say it again having spent years in your shoes. He still wants both of you. He can't admit you are anything to him because that would impede his ability to go home. It's that simple. He hasn't made a choice between the two of you, he has chosen to keep both bc you let him. Talk to him about it. If he's not prepared to fish- cut bait and get out.

[Fieldsofgold]

Nice to see you are your usual supportive, nonjudgemental self bent...

doesn't it say somewhere in your bible that if you can"t say anything nice then don't say anything at all?

 

Holdfast, I think you need to have a good talk with this guy, pressure or not. You need to find out what is going on. He owes you this, at the very least. It doesn't sound promising, however, so I think you need to prepare yourself for this to be over. My thoughts are with you.

 

That was what Thumper, the rabbit in Disney's "Bambi" story said his daddy told him ;

Edited November 16, 2010 by Fieldsofgold

[YellowShark]

I just would like someone elses opinion on this,as I am too involved to know if I am being needy or not. Quickly my MM who I have been seeing for him for 6 months and he has left home but not for me. He denies me to his wife, and since he left home he has stopped saying I love you to me,I was living with that but yesterday his boss asked if he was seeing me,we work together,as we have been seen holding hands together in public. He said we weren't to me this is just insulting to her,especially if she find out in the future and it hurts me because with both his boss and wife I look like some bunny boiler who has been pestering this poor married man. I just feel belittled,totally denied. I had a boyfriend at the start of our affair but have told him and we split up,I love my MM and don't hide this from him. I feel like we are going backwards. I don't know what I am asking for from LSI just think he may find it all a bit easier if he was honest. I don't say this to him as he percieves everything as pressure.

 

Oh the drama. So much wasted energy and subversion. Why? Why put yourself through all this unnecessary drama? Wouldn't it feel sooooooo good just to have a boyfriend who doesn't come with all this extra baggage Hold fast? Imagine a relationship with no lying, no sneaking around, no wondering what everything means, no drama at work. Gosh that would feel so nice!

 

I guess what I am saying is do what you have to do Hold fast, I just couldn't do it. Way too much energy is being wasted looking over your shoulder. IMHO life is too short to have to deal with all this excess drama.

 

Best of luck.

[bentnotbroken]

That was what Thumper, the rabbit in Disney's "Bambi" story said his daddy told him ;

 

 

True that!:lmao:

[pureinheart]

Nice to see you are your usual supportive, nonjudgemental self bent...

doesn't it say somewhere in your bible that if you can"t say anything nice then don't say anything at all?

 

Holdfast, I think you need to have a good talk with this guy, pressure or not. You need to find out what is going on. He owes you this, at the very least. It doesn't sound promising, however, so I think you need to prepare yourself for this to be over. My thoughts are with you.

 

JF, I'm sure there is reference in some manor in the Bible. In general it's just unbecoming IMO. It appears to be a spirit of condemnation though.

 

There was a quote from Readers Digest (Quotable Quotes), The kindest word in all of the world is an unkind word unsaid.

 

Hang in there HF..it sounds too stressful to me and stress is a killer.

[pureinheart]

Oh the drama. So much wasted energy and subversion. Why? Why put yourself through all this unnecessary drama? Wouldn't it feel sooooooo good just to have a boyfriend who doesn't come with all this extra baggage Hold fast? Imagine a relationship with no lying, no sneaking around, no wondering what everything means, no drama at work. Gosh that would feel so nice!

 

I guess what I am saying is do what you have to do Hold fast, I just couldn't do it. Way too much energy is being wasted looking over your shoulder. IMHO life is too short to have to deal with all this excess drama.

 

Best of luck.

 

YS, I tell you, the stress just is not worth it. Having been in R's that drama seemed to be the key, I would sit and ask myself "why". Why is everything to do with this R so hard, and then I was unable to justify it and eventually the R ended.

[bentnotbroken]

JF, I'm sure there is reference in some manor in the Bible. In general it's just unbecoming IMO. It appears to be a spirit of condemnation though.

 

There was a quote from Readers Digest (Quotable Quotes), The kindest word in all of the world is an unkind word unsaid.

 

Hang in there HF..it sounds too stressful to me and stress is a killer.

 

 

Since I am sure it is a unbecoming to some as cheating is to others. But since my post said this:

 

 

Honesty from a cheater...not likely. But you knew that going in...right? You are now in the position of being gas lighted. Doesn't feel too hot does it?

 

where did I condemn the OP? I stated an opinion(not unlike you or the equally judgmental JF) and then asked a couple of questions? She is being gas lighted by his behavior. It always amazes me that you feel the need to comment on my relationship with God, yet the spirits of "whatever the heck you want to call it is" seeps through any of your post referring to me. I won't change my posts and since I am not getting infractions from Tony at this moment...they must be keeping within the guidelines of our lovely little community.

 

Whatever label that gets attached to me or my posts is fine as long as it makes you happy:), but let's be equally clear I am who I am and I won't ever try to please the world with what they deem appropriate. *yawn*

[juicyfruit62]

Since I am sure it is a unbecoming to some as cheating is to others. But since my post said this:

 

 

 

 

where did I condemn the OP? I stated an opinion(not unlike you or the equally judgmental JF) and then asked a couple of questions? She is being gas lighted by his behavior. It always amazes me that you feel the need to comment on my relationship with God, yet the spirits of "whatever the heck you want to call it is" seeps through any of your post referring to me. I won't change my posts and since I am not getting infractions from Tony at this moment...they must be keeping within the guidelines of our lovely little community.

 

Whatever label that gets attached to me or my posts is fine as long as it makes you happy:), but let's be equally clear I am who I am and I won't ever try to please the world with what they deem appropriate. *yawn*

 

Matthew 7:

 

"Judge not, that ye not be judged

For with what judgement ye judge, ye shall be judged;

And with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again."

 

You seem to have conveniently forgotten this quote from your good book bent...being busy judging others and feeling superior takes it out of a gal, huh...

 

Personally, I'm happy to take advice from Thumper...

[juicyfruit62]

Since I am sure it is a unbecoming to some as cheating is to others. But since my post said this:

 

 

 

 

where did I condemn the OP? I stated an opinion(not unlike you or the equally judgmental JF) and then asked a couple of questions? She is being gas lighted by his behavior. It always amazes me that you feel the need to comment on my relationship with God, yet the spirits of "whatever the heck you want to call it is" seeps through any of your post referring to me. I won't change my posts and since I am not getting infractions from Tony at this moment...they must be keeping within the guidelines of our lovely little community.

 

Whatever label that gets attached to me or my posts is fine as long as it makes you happy:), but let's be equally clear I am who I am and I won't ever try to please the world with what they deem appropriate. *yawn*

 

Matthew 7:

 

"Judge not, that ye not be judged

For with what judgement ye judge, ye shall be judged;

And with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again."

 

You seem to have conveniently forgotten this quote from your good book bent...being busy judging others and feeling superior takes it out of a gal, huh...

 

Personally, I'm happy to take advice from Thumper...

[jthorne]

Since I am sure it is a unbecoming to some as cheating is to others. But since my post said this:

 

 

 

 

where did I condemn the OP? I stated an opinion(not unlike you or the equally judgmental JF) and then asked a couple of questions? She is being gas lighted by his behavior. It always amazes me that you feel the need to comment on my relationship with God, yet the spirits of "whatever the heck you want to call it is" seeps through any of your post referring to me. I won't change my posts and since I am not getting infractions from Tony at this moment...they must be keeping within the guidelines of our lovely little community.

 

Whatever label that gets attached to me or my posts is fine as long as it makes you happy:), but let's be equally clear I am who I am and I won't ever try to please the world with what they deem appropriate. *yawn*

You nor I are going to change the way we post because someone else doesn't like it. I wouldn't expect someone else to change the way they post because I don't like it.

 

I fail to see the purpose in these "support vs judgement" debates. It's just white noise in another person's thread. If one doesn't like what's said, they can skip it or report it if it violates TOS.

[maravilla]

Matthew 7:

 

"Judge not, that ye not be judged

For with what judgement ye judge, ye shall be judged;

And with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again."

 

You seem to have conveniently forgotten this quote from your good book bent...being busy judging others and feeling superior takes it out of a gal, huh...

 

Personally, I'm happy to take advice from Thumper...

 

What did Bentnotbroken say that was judgmental?

 

She said that the guy lies to his wife so why wouldn't he lie to her?

 

How is that judgmental? It's a good question to think about IMO!

 

I don't get it.

[bentnotbroken]

Matthew 7:

 

"Judge not, that ye not be judged

For with what judgement ye judge, ye shall be judged;

And with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again."

 

You seem to have conveniently forgotten this quote from your good book bent...being busy judging others and feeling superior takes it out of a gal, huh...

 

Personally, I'm happy to take advice from Thumper...

 

 

Not only have I not forgotten I remember the ones to tell when you see something wrong and not be lukewarm in our convictions. I follow that one. I don't forget anything...but you can conveniently forget me since I am not going to change anything about myself. You choose to be an OW and I chose to be a follower of Christ. He told the woman to go forth and sin no more. I do that. Have a blessed day.