Wife of 7 years met another man. Do I stay?

[jimb0]

My wife and I were dating and moved in together almost 9 years ago. She got pregnant and we married shortly thereafter. We now have three beautiful children together.

 

Our marriage has had it's ups and a lot of downs. We never got a chance to truly be "together" as a couple before kids. After seven years, she told me she wanted to take time apart. As soon as she said it, I knew something was up.

 

She recently went away for the weekend with a girlfriend. We usually do our own laundry but I decided to fold the stuff she had left in the dryer. When I started through the pile, I noticed a pair of pink lacy underwear that she hasn't worn in years.

 

From that point, I looked at her phone bill and found almost 3000 txt messages over a month period to another man that lives in our town. After confronting her about it she admitted that she kissed him but said that was all that happened. She wasn't drunk, they planned to meet and they ended up kissing. I can't help but wonder if I'm only getting half the truth. She has had more than one opportunity to be with him.

 

I'm so confused right now. I know I haven't been the best husband and we've grown apart over the years but I still love my wife and have always been faithful to her. I'm just so torn whether or not I can ever trust her again. She said all the stuff you expect to hear. He makes her feel wanted, beautiful. She also said she was prepared to leave me before I found out but our discussions have made her second guess her feelings.

 

She admitted that she has feelings for this man, that she thinks he would be good to our children. GULP! I can't sleep, I can't eat and I can't decide what to do. I'm so hurt right now.

 

I professed my love for her and told her that I haven't given up. I asked her to end it with him and she said she couldn't just end it. She needed time to figure out where her heart was. Do I give her an ultimatum? Do I move on with my life? A kiss is bad enough but I can't help but think more than that happened based on her actions.

 

I know i should be thinking of myself but our kids are young and my heart aches when I think about them having to deal with divorce. I don't have anyone really close that I can share this with as we live in a tiny town. Please share your thoughts, questions, advice. I need help.

[PegNosePete]

Dude, sorry to say but she is definitely spreading her legs for this guy. Whenever a cheater admits to a kiss, there is always more. She is drip-feeding you to test your reaction. If you forgive the kiss she will feed you a little more, oh maybe it was a kiss and a bit of a cuddle. As you forgive that it will be more, a kiss and a cuddle and oh by the way we also shared a room together but nothing happened. Etc. Alternatively, she'll just deny anything else happened until she is blue in the face. Seriously man, those are the only two options. There is no third. Nobody exchanges 3,000 text messages with someone they've kissed unless there is a whole lot more to the story.

 

If you want to move past this then you do need to give her an ultimatum right now. Tell her the rules:

1) She commits 100% to the marriage. Nothing less than complete commitment is acceptable. She will answer any questions completely and truthfully, and do whatever you ask of her to prove that she is committed. No time to think, no time to "find herself" or "search her feelings". She is either in or out, right now.

2) NO CONTACT with the other man starting now. She will call him right now, in your presence, and tell him it's over. Then she will never see, speak, text, email, morse code or smoke signal him ever again.

3) You will go to marriage counselling.

4) She will become completely transparent to you. Every communication, text, email, is open to your eyes. Ask to see her phone and email accounts right now (with no delays, no "just going to the toilet" so she can quickly censor it). She has no privacy any more, until your trust is rebuilt. However long that takes.

 

If she rejects any of these conditions, either by word or by deed, then it's divorce. Do not stay married for the kids sake. A divorce is much preferable for children than an unloving marriage. It will teach them all sorts of wrong things about relationships.

[Bryanp]

A woman does not think about breaking up a marriage with 3 children after a few kisses with another man. She is having sex with this guy which is why she is now confused. You need to get tested for STD's and see a lawyer to protect yourself. I am sorry what you are going through.

[Chi townD]

I agree with Bryanp, you don't throw away a relationship and desrupt and destroy that lives of three kids for just a kiss, plus, you don't wear sexy pink lacy undergarmets for a kiss.

[TigerCub]

Hey Jimbo,

 

I'm really sorry for what you're going through.

I can't even begin to imagine your pain and all that's going through your mind right now.

 

The fact that she told you that she thinks this man will be good to your kids, shows that there has to be more than just a kiss going on between them.

The fact that she is considering breaking up with you and breaking up her family also supports that theory.

 

I can't tell you what to do, and even my advice might seem kinda hollow considering that I've never been married nor do I have any children, but I will tell you this - as a woman, if I was with a guy that knew I was cheating on him, and he was ok with giving me time, to see both the committed partner and the person I'm cheating with, I really wouldn't have ANY RESPECT for the committed partner. I'm sorry I just wouldn't, because he'd just be lying down and acting like being treated like a doormat is fine.

 

I understand that you have kids and that's mainly what you're thinking of, and you do love her, but don't just sit back while she's with this other guy.

 

Its ridiculous that she's telling you that she needs time and that she can't just end it with this guy - that is beyond hurtful, and disrespectful to you and your children and it shows absolutely no remorse for her betrayal.

 

Please, please, don't be her bitch.

[NoLongerSad]

she thinks he would be good to our children

 

It's probably easier for a woman to take children away from their father if she knows he's not really their father.

[BellaBellaBella]

I would check out marriagebuilders.com they help people recover from affairs.

[GorillaTheater]

I professed my love for her and told her that I haven't given up. I asked her to end it with him and she said she couldn't just end it. She needed time to figure out where her heart was. Do I give her an ultimatum? Do I move on with my life? A kiss is bad enough but I can't help but think more than that happened based on her actions.

 

Your wife needs a heavy dose of reality, and needs to reagin respect for you (whether you stay married or not).

 

1) Stop telling her you love her. Stop talking about the relationship. It just drives her further away and makes you less attractive to her.

 

2) Separate you finances ASAP. Get your own account and transfer half of any joint account to it, then take your name off the joint account. Cancel joint credit cards. Protect yourself financially, because she's not going to be looking out for your best interests.

 

3) You are nobody's Plan B, nobody's option or back-up plan. Two ways to effectively get that across. The first is to give her five minutes to decide between the two of you. No "sleep on it", no "phone a friend", five minutes. If she chooses him or doesn't choose at all, file for divorce within the week. If she chooses you, immediately enact the points in PegNosePete's post.

 

4) Eat right, sleep, exercise, take care of yourself. Pursue your interests and hobbies. Recoonect with friends and family and meet new people. Be the man you want to be.

 

5) Get rid of any fear. Period. You can handle this.

[paleblue]

I noticed a pair of pink lacy underwear that she hasn't worn in years.

 

I can't help but wonder if I'm only getting half the truth.

 

 

If you feel like you are only getting half the truth, than you probably are only getting half the truth. Can't help but to wonder why bother with the pink underwear than?

 

She probably thinks her admitting to a little.. is better than her admitting to the whole thing. Id take some serious steps now and show her you mean business. I would suggest immediately cease any whiney clingy behavior. Become a total prick.

 

Sorry you are dealing with this.

[Mimolicious]

My wife and I were dating and moved in together almost 9 years ago. She got pregnant and we married shortly thereafter. We now have three beautiful children together.

 

Our marriage has had it's ups and a lot of downs. We never got a chance to truly be "together" as a couple before kids. After seven years, she told me she wanted to take time apart. As soon as she said it, I knew something was up.

 

She recently went away for the weekend with a girlfriend. We usually do our own laundry but I decided to fold the stuff she had left in the dryer. When I started through the pile, I noticed a pair of pink lacy underwear that she hasn't worn in years.

 

From that point, I looked at her phone bill and found almost 3000 txt messages over a month period to another man that lives in our town. After confronting her about it she admitted that she kissed him but said that was all that happened. She wasn't drunk, they planned to meet and they ended up kissing. I can't help but wonder if I'm only getting half the truth. She has had more than one opportunity to be with him.

 

I'm so confused right now. I know I haven't been the best husband and we've grown apart over the years but I still love my wife and have always been faithful to her. I'm just so torn whether or not I can ever trust her again. She said all the stuff you expect to hear. He makes her feel wanted, beautiful. She also said she was prepared to leave me before I found out but our discussions have made her second guess her feelings.

 

She admitted that she has feelings for this man, that she thinks he would be good to our children. GULP! I can't sleep, I can't eat and I can't decide what to do. I'm so hurt right now.

 

I professed my love for her and told her that I haven't given up. I asked her to end it with him and she said she couldn't just end it. She needed time to figure out where her heart was. Do I give her an ultimatum? Do I move on with my life? A kiss is bad enough but I can't help but think more than that happened based on her actions.

 

I know i should be thinking of myself but our kids are young and my heart aches when I think about them having to deal with divorce. I don't have anyone really close that I can share this with as we live in a tiny town. Please share your thoughts, questions, advice. I need help.

 

My heart goes out to you. I've been in your place. (well minus the pink undies). Sorry bude, but unless she kisses with another set of lips. I think you may not be getting the nitty-gritty here.

 

Seems like your W is on her way out. I wish you well. Let her go see if the grass is really greener. It usually is but the water bill is higher. Let her pay the consequences of her actions. Amazing, how she already planning on having a "family" with this guy. People are crazy. Spare yourself further humiliation and pain. If she wants "space" give it to her, give her the space that looks like this X____________________. Sign on the X.

[dreamingoftigers]

There is no way that she has only kissed him. Sorry. It will come out soon enough but there is simply NO way. That is one directly from the cheater's handbook.

[GorillaTheater]

3) You are nobody's Plan B, nobody's option or back-up plan. Two ways to effectively get that across. The first is to give her five minutes to decide between the two of you. No "sleep on it", no "phone a friend", five minutes. If she chooses him or doesn't choose at all, file for divorce within the week. If she chooses you, immediately enact the points in PegNosePete's post.

 

I typed out my post too quickly, and besides the multiple misspellings, forgot to add my second point to this:

 

The other option is to tell her: "You know, this isn't working for me either. You have feelings for this guy, I get that now. You should go to him, and I'll find somebody else. There's thousands of women around here and only one of me, and I like those odds. How soon can you move out?"

 

Shock and awe. This might work, it might not, but begging and pursuing will never work. And regardless of how it turns out, at least you'll keep your dignity intact.

[hopesndreams]

She needed time to figure out where her heart was.

 

She wants to cake eat until such time it is written in stone her OM will take her and the kids. She is not second guessing her feelings. She needs more time. Don't give it to her.

 

You can't compete with OM, so don't even bother trying.

 

Your best course of action is sitting her down, tell her you love her one more time and than just lay it on her. Either she stays and works on the M and gives up OM or she is out the door. Don't threaten with this. Make it a reality.

 

It is crucial you protect your well-being at this time. Your kids are depending on it. Be strong, be tough, don't back down because if you don't you will end up with worse despair than what you are experiencing now.

 

What if you give her all the time in the world and OM dumps her sorry azz? You will then end up with an unremorseful scheming little cow and when the next opportunity for another romance comes along, she will only do the exact same thing to you.

 

Is she in or is she out? That is what you need to know right now.

[reservoirdog1]

I strongly second what PegNosePete and GorillaTheater said.

 

Firstly, accept as fact that she's had sex with him, probably multiple times. Regardless of her denials. Cheaters -- especially those who get caught -- basically NEVER tell the full extent of their misdeeds. They tell only as much as they figure they have to, as much as they figure their partner could find out from other people. The name of their game is "containment".

 

Secondly, that being the case, you should get tested immediately. If she's cheated on you, chances are excellent that she didn't use protection. (And if you and she have sex in the future, insist on using protection until she's confirmed as STD-free.)

 

Thirdly, if you do want to try to rebuild the marriage despite the above -- I wouldn't, but I'm not you -- you need to insist that she go no contact with the OM immediately. Whether she ends it by email or phone, you need to watch her do it. And then you need unlimited, anytime access to her cell phone, email, facebook, internet history, etc. If she refuses or resists any of those things, that will tell you pretty much all you need to know about the prospects for fixing your marriage. Those things should be non-negotiable.

 

Best of luck mang... you have my sympathies.

[wicar1]

My wife and I were dating and moved in together almost 9 years ago. She got pregnant and we married shortly thereafter. We now have three beautiful children together..

 

 

-After confronting her about it she admitted that she kissed him but said that was all that happened. She wasn't drunk, they planned to meet and they ended up kissing. I can't help but wonder if I'm only getting half the truth. She has had more than one opportunity to be with him.

Seriously do you believe in this crap?? They kissed and that was it... and she met him more than once. SHe probably slep wih him more than once.

 

- I noticed a pair of pink lacy underwear that she hasn't worn in years.

WHat do you think this means ???

 

- I'm just so torn whether or not I can ever trust her again.

You can never trust her. You shouldnt !!! It's over.

 

- She said all the stuff you expect to hear. He makes her feel wanted, beautiful.

Yes, cause he wanted to sneak in her pants. They tell everything s**** wives want to hear just to make them spread their legs.

 

- She also said she was prepared to leave me before I found out but our discussions have made her second guess her feelings.

Come on .. she had already decided to leave you. It's gone way beyond. (Anyway I dont think just a kiss can make a woman leave her husband)

Second guess...for what??? She might be probably thinking it would be better if she could cheat with that guy staying in this marriage instead living with him. Because she knows her life with you is safe and more comfortable.

 

 

- She admitted that she has feelings for this man, that she thinks he would be good to our children.

Now she wants you away from the kids. wtf??? He would be good to your kids? She means to say you are a bad father...???

 

- I professed my love for her and told her that I haven't given up. I asked her to end it with him and she said she couldn't just end it. She needed time to figure out where her heart was. Do I give her an ultimatum? Do I move on with my life? A kiss is bad enough but I can't help but think more than that happened based on her actions.

 

I know i should be thinking of myself but our kids are young and my heart aches when I think about them having to deal with divorce. I don't have anyone really close that I can share this with as we live in a tiny town. Please share your thoughts, questions, advice. I need help

Either you like it or not she's a cheater!! She has dishonoured your marriage, family, kids, broken the trust... the damage's already done.

If you didnt have any kids, it would have been easier. You could have simply dumped her a**. But kids?? they make choices harder.

Anyway if she had gone enough far to leave you with the kids, for a stranger then I guess that is it. You cannot expect her to live a normal life anymore. Obviously she's gonna think about the OM all the time. Eventhough I feel for the kids I dont know how things could work positive after she gone this far. Anyway I hope whatever is best for the kids will happen.

 

Anyway why do cheating women try to seperate the kids from their father...? cruel.

[imagine]

Do a Checkmate on her panties.

 

Confront her AFTER you have exposed her to relevant family and friends. Meet her emotional needs BUT do not say "I love you", rather "you a fighting for your marriage" (only if this is true).

 

She will be VERY angry after this. Continue with your mantra "I'm fighting for my marriage".

[Dexter Morgan]

She admitted that she has feelings for this man, that she thinks he would be good to our children. GULP! I can't sleep, I can't eat and I can't decide what to do. I'm so hurt right now.

 

do you stay? sounds like she already plans on being with this guy.

 

get a good, bulldog of an attorney NOW and get rid of this huss.

[Dexter Morgan]

She admitted that she has feelings for this man, that she thinks he would be good to our children. GULP! I can't sleep, I can't eat and I can't decide what to do. I'm so hurt right now.

 

do you stay? sounds like she already plans on being with this guy.

 

get a good, bulldog of an attorney NOW and get rid of this huss.

 

sucks though, unless you have something big on her, you will be the weekend dad and have to pay that huss for the privilege of not being with your children on a daily basis.

 

but whats the alternative? Stay with a woman who is anything but a decent person?

 

lawyer up, and do it in private so that you can have your ducks in a row way before she does.

[jimb0]

Started to waver and then started to give in and then came to my senses. Got a couple of cryptic messages this afternoon that would lead me to believe she's filing for divorce. Thanks for the replies. Time to move on. Now if I could only sleep...

[wicar1]

Started to waver and then started to give in and then came to my senses. Got a couple of cryptic messages this afternoon that would lead me to believe she's filing for divorce. Thanks for the replies. Time to move on. Now if I could only sleep...

 

Congratulations, your gonna be out of hell soon. I am sure you will find someone you deserve. Your wife is OM problem now.

[sanskrit]

Congratulations, your gonna be out of hell soon. I am sure you will find someone you deserve. Your wife is OM problem now.

 

If only that were the case. The way the laws are bent and misadministered, his hell is only just beginning.

 

When someone says to their spouse that they think an OM or OW would be "good" for the kids, that's all you need to hear. It's done. Can you imagine the repercussions of saying that kind of thing to her?

 

As others suggest, go to marriagebuilders.com or the other big infidelity site, can't remember the name. Follow the instructions there as closely as possible. The hardest step seems to be outing the adulterer to family and friends, but the best thing you can do is get this out in the open. Best wishes.

[wicar1]

If only that were the case. The way the laws are bent and misadministered, his hell is only just beginning.

 

May be that's why some BS wish their cheating spouses to get hit by a car or even get hit by lightning. lol

Edited November 18, 2010 by wicar1

[Tressugar]

I'm soooo sorry for your pain. I'm sorry to admit of that I never heard of this type of experience happening to a man. It is usually a woman who is the one being left...

[whichwayisup]

Started to waver and then started to give in and then came to my senses. Got a couple of cryptic messages this afternoon that would lead me to believe she's filing for divorce. Thanks for the replies. Time to move on. Now if I could only sleep...

 

Time to fight back. She can divorce you but she ain't taking the kids and this OM is NOT be around the kids either.

 

Get a good lawyer, write stuff down so you have info on her, details etc, and fight for full custody. Why should she cheat, screw you over (you watch, she'll ask for spousal support too) and you get what? one day a week and one weekend a month with your kids?

[wicar1]

I'm soooo sorry for your pain. I'm sorry to admit of that I never heard of this type of experience happening to a man. It is usually a woman who is the one being left...

 

That sounds like a joke to me... read all the posts