and.then.some Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 (edited) I'm trying to tell this story without all the long details. *crosses fingers* I asked a favor of my ex (even though everyone said I shouldn't) because he was really the only person I could turn to in this situation considering time constraints. Business related, nothing "personal". For the past 9 months we have not seen one another at all, but we have been in contact. I've gone from repeatedly telling him bluntly to just let go, and why, to blocking his calls and texts. I unblocked him because I felt bad. I needed the space, but I don't like being "mean". After I unblocked him, we talked a few times again. Mostly me shooting down hanging out, or him trying to get back at me for telling him that he needs to just let me go. So, I blocked him again. Then felt guilty and unblocked him! I've called him once just to see how he was doing, and that only led to him calling/texting again. (My mistake.) I've been ignoring him completely (unblocked) for the past 3 months. So, he answers the phone coldly, pretending like (after 13 years and caller ID) he didn't know who I was, but changed his tone and agreed to help me out. I kept it short and sweet and ended the convo quickly. I called him again to clarify some details, and he texted me later that evening to suggesting that I must be in a serious relationship now. He's fishing, I guess, and I do not want to play his game. Now, in a perfect world, I wouldn't be so closed off to giving him the time of day. But, after so many years he hasn't made certain changes, it's pretty obvious to me that he never will. I've given up, and there's just no hope for a future between us anymore. I still care about him and all, but, in my opinion, if he was serious about being in my life he would be bringing something to the table instead of whining and fishing clues about my emotional state and what kind of chance he has. He's veeery sensitive, so I was planning to reply this afternoon since I have asked him for a favor. But, I don't know how to answer without causing a problem. Even if I answer "yes" that I am in a serious relationship... there will be a problem, and I really do need this favor. Any thoughts? Edited November 16, 2010 by and.then.some
Angel1111 Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 You might want to answer him in such a way that makes it clear that you're not with anyone and don't want to be with anyone at this time. That might passify him without hurting him. And it's mostly true.
carhill Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 Beware of this danger within yourself, a quality you have identified in others: The types of "bad friends" I've usually had to get rid of were the ones who usually only called when they wanted something. They ask you if you want to do something, and all of a sudden they have no money once you're out. haha Calling to get gossip, or whatever the case was. People with other agendas. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t228996/ I can tell you with certainty that my exW attempted to Hoover me for 'favors' while we were divorcing, playing upon the fact that I didn't want a protracted court battle. It was a delicate dance but I can tell you with certainty that I feel exactly the same about her as you did about some of those Hoover friends in your thread. If you have a business deal and you need a 'favor', write up a contract and include whatever terms necessary to make it a fair and equitable and *unemotional* deal. Do not play upon whatever feelings he might have for you to 'get' something. If you do, then you become those people you wrote about. You're better than that.
Author and.then.some Posted November 17, 2010 Author Posted November 17, 2010 (edited) Beware of this danger within yourself, a quality you have identified in others: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t228996/ I can tell you with certainty that my exW attempted to Hoover me for 'favors' while we were divorcing, playing upon the fact that I didn't want a protracted court battle. It was a delicate dance but I can tell you with certainty that I feel exactly the same about her as you did about some of those Hoover friends in your thread. If you have a business deal and you need a 'favor', write up a contract and include whatever terms necessary to make it a fair and equitable and *unemotional* deal. Do not play upon whatever feelings he might have for you to 'get' something. If you do, then you become those people you wrote about. You're better than that. It's interesting the lengths people go to... Sorry if I sound a little overly sensitive, but it seems more than a little presumptuous of you to even suggest that this might be a similar case. Thanks for taking the time to reply nonetheless, though it didn't really answer my question lol. I can assure you that this "quality" is no where near being in danger of popping up in my relationship with this man. I can only assume that you feel this could be the case based on your own experiences. I have not used his feelings for me to get anything out of him in that sense. It's not a "favor" in the sense that I was asking him to do anything for me for free either. It's just complicated to explain without going into too much detail. Regardless of any of those things, if there was a user at all in our relationship it was him. The REASON I had to block his calls was because he was being extremely selfish regarding our involvement with one another. If you can't/aren't willing to give me what I need in a relationship... if I hang in there and keep trying to make it work for years despite this... till I just couldn't take it anymore... and you're in no way willing to change or meet me half way... YET, PERSIST in trying to get me to stay with you anyway? I'm sorry, I guess I resent your assertion a little. It's till a soft spot. :-) Even through all of that, I wouldn't ignore his calls till recently. It made it too hard for me to completely move on and give up because I was trying to be so considerate of his feelings (regardless of his apparent lack of concern for mine), as I stated above in my question. Actions speak louder than words. How many times must one tell another "I love you but I can't go back to the situation as it was". In retrospect, my behavior was BEYOND tolerant. I couldn't do it anymore because it kept him on my mind. Ironically enough, very similar to the "Tolerance" thread you quoted! He just happens to know how to do something particularly well. On a short notice, I didn't have time to search for someone else to do something this important, a second time. It was his skill factor, not "playing on his emotions" that made me break down and call him. Yet, I do consider it a favor as there's been a lot of ... emotional drama between us lately. Nevertheless, I decided to give him some ambiguous answer in order to skirt the question. I guess I'll find out shortly how well he took it. Thanks for the replies! **edited to add** I think it's also worth noting his motives behind asking me such a question. He didn't ask "are you in a serious relationship". He suggested that I must be in a serious relationship. (i.e. You've been ignoring me. It must be because of another man.) Had he asked in a different way, I would have simply given a straight answer. There just isn't any point in being sucked into his little games. Edited November 17, 2010 by and.then.some
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